Anything funny at work?

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied: "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
My Boss recently bought some double sided disks. When he got a 'disk full' message he popped out the disk, flipped it over and tried to store data on the other side.
Ecstatic about my new, faster modem, I told my Boss about the experience. I said "This 28K modem is great". He said "That's a lot to pay for a modem, don't you think?"
My Boss considered suicide to end his managerial woos. For the first time in my professional experience, I agreed with his conclusion and supported his course of action.
My Boss has a defined career path for his new secretaries. It's secretary, executive assistant, mistress, mail clerk.
Recently my Boss asked me why I never seek his opinion. I said "If I don't know the answer, I know you don't either."
"I sent your recommendations, under my signature, to the Vice Presidents. I thought your suggestions were good and I know they will pay more attention if my name, and not your name, is on it." Meeting comments from my Boss after I noticed my suggestions appeared to be authored by him.
After weeks of bickering my Boss called me into his office. His opening comments were "Have you met our outplacement counselor yet?"
My Boss is not very computer literate. He thinks 'hardware' is complicated 'software'.
My company is giving away Kudos candy bars as recognition. One person saved over $100,000 and was rewarded with a 50 cent candy bar.
We recently had a rash of thefts in our offices. Since there were no signs of forced entry, the thieves obviously had office keys. Within a week, management replaced all the round door knobs with levered handles, BUT they never changed the locks. Now the thieves can steal more equipment because they can bump the doors open if their hands are full.
My Boss has an open mind. That's because there's no lid on his head.
My Boss told us if there was a problem concerning the office, no matter what the subject, he wanted to help fix it. So when he learned that I had been harassed by a co-worker he said "Work it out amongst yourselves. I don't want to hear about such petty things."
My Boss took his office PC home for the weekend. He didn't understand why he couldn't access any of his network files from home.
My Boss told me he could not give me a promotion based on past performance. I said "A promotion based on future performance is fine."
My Boss came to me after lunch and said I could go home early since I had worked so many hours on a recent project. The next day he called me into his office and counseled me for leaving early. When I said he told me I could go early, he said he had only been kidding.
After returning to my same job as a "re-hire", I found I was being paid less than a new trainee. When I asked my Boss for a raise he said "You can't get a raise while you're in the training program."
While eagerly awaiting the latest news on public opinion, a co-worker entered the room with the results, "John Q. Public doesn't think very highly of us." My Boss said "That's not TOO bad, he's only one person. What about the rest of survey?"
I received a less than average raise. When the reason for this was questioned, my Boss said "Since you won the department merit award this year, you don't need as large a raise."
Our company has a strict drug policy. All new employees must be tested. This rule was never broken until we hired this summer's interns and the President's son was one of them.
"This a salary review. It is not just about money." Scary comments during my annual raise review.
"I just got another email message from our office in Spain and it was still in Spanish. I think there's a problem with our Internet connection."
My Boss is determined to have a "Mission" and "Vision" statement. What he really needs is a clue and a plan!
I wish my Boss looked more like 'Cunanan' so I could call the FBI hotline and get him arrested.
Told to me, confidentially, by my Boss: "It was hard to do, but once I heard my Boss' wife was pregnant, I convinced my wife to have a baby now too. This way, me and the Boss can go through this experience together. I'm hoping for some male bonding to occur."
"I thought it was very clear. The company switched to 100% US sourcing so we could label our products 'Completely Made in America' and here you come with products made in Puerto Rico. How do you explain this?"
My Boss was complaining of back pain. Normally I would recommend my chiropractor, but he needs a spine to work on.
My Boss says there is no such thing as problems, just opportunities waiting to be grabbed. Why then, does my Boss create so many opportunities?
Once when I went to the toilet, there wasn't any toilet paper. I was really upset. I finished my job with a lot of trouble and the next day I took the complaint to my Boss. He said: " We had too much toilet paper consumption last year and we are compensating for the loss, now."
My Boss' motto: Hire people who'll work hard and you don't have to."
We hosted a dinner in our office for some very powerful visiting Japanese businessmen. My Boss was responsible for the meal. He ordered Chinese food. I think they were offended."
I heard rumors that my cubicle was going to be dismantled to make office space for some unknown new manager. I confronted my Boss with this news and he said "Yeah that is going to happen, but I will give you plenty of time to pack up". After lunch he stopped by to tell me to clear out my things by the end of the day.
Our secretary is requesting an assistant to help her with her secretarial duties. She is too busy running the company.
My Boss said, "My idea of team effort is when everyone is doing exactly what I want."
My Boss invites clients to her kid's birthday parties so she can write them off as business expenses.
My Boss thinks a 'backup tape' is an extra role of adhesive.
My department recently got its first scanner. When my Boss learned the news he said "That's great! How many channels does it have?"
Recently I was driving my Boss around because he had a DUI conviction. While we were in the car he said "People are really over reacting to this DUI thing. I think they have a problem with me because I carry a flask. Would you like a sip?"
My Boss thinks 'sexual harassment' is unwanted attention when he cross-dresses.
Is my career over? My Boss and I had stand-by tickets on the last flight out of Denver on Friday. All stand-by passengers had numbers to determine their order. Since I stood in line to take care of our stand-by status, my number was one lower than my Boss'. As it turned out, I had the shot at the last available seat. I took it. Was it a career ending move?
Yesterday over the intercom: "I think I need a demonstration of these new programs. Could you come in here and show me a few things in Word Perfect 123."
To show his belief in equality, my Boss hired some 'yes' women.
I think I have been secretly placed in a managerial experiment and my Boss is the placebo.
I was going to join the Army, but I see they'd rather make love than war.
My Boss to two other team managers after our recent reorganization: "When this fails, which one of us takes the blame?"
We call my Boss 'Rodney' because he doesn't deserve respect.
My Boss has carpal tunnel syndrome. It's from constantly scratching his head in bewilderment.
My Boss uses Excel, but he keeps a calculator close by to check his work.
I'm not a CPA, but my work is taxing.
My Boss is very fond of me because opposites attract. I can do his job in my sleep.
If my Boss was an animal, he'd be an alley cat or some other kind of pussy.
My Boss thinks racism is good for America. He says it breeds competition.
At my company we have more managers managing managers, than workers doing work.
My Boss is gone for a week. He's at a seminar entitled "Strategic seating arrangements at meetings".
I hate my job and I know it's time to quit. Yesterday, a visitor to our company stopped me in the lobby for directions to my Boss' office. I said "See that group of men over there? The person you are looking for is in that group and you'll have no trouble spotting him. Look for the white man with the brown nose."
On Monday my Boss gave me a 25% pay raise. I was THRILLED!!!!!. On Friday he laid me off. Completely confused, I asked what was going on. He said "I knew I had to lay you off, but I wanted to make you happy before I did it."
At the end of a grueling, multi-week project my Boss was ecstatic with the outcome, to which he had contributed little. He said "Over these last few weeks I think we really hit our rhythm. There were times when I really felt like the whole was less than the some of the parts." I think that sums it up." I said.
At the planning meeting for our first company picnic, we asked those present to suggest activities that would make the picnic fun. My Boss raised his hand and said "How about a wet t-shirt contest?"
After a recent technical meeting, my Boss called me into his office. He said "Why do you frequently correct me in meetings. "Mainly because, you're frequently wrong" I said.
My company hired a research firm to measure employee satisfaction. The results were terrible so my Boss fired the research firm. He said they obviously didn't ask the right questions.
My Boss invited me to his nudist colony. Is that sexual harassment?
My Boss bought a new monitor because her old one would "freeze" from time to time.
My boss was very disappointed when we didn't win the Federal Express account. He said I know the materials got there on time. I sent them UPS myself."
Frantic phone call from my Boss "How do I save the whole document. This program just wants to save the changes. What good is that feature?"
Recent question in MIS meeting "Can I send email to Europe if I use America On Line?"
In a desperate attempt to fire an innocent employee, my Boss mandated a drug test for him. When the results came back clean he said "Damn, maybe we can say he flunked anyway."
My Boss recently got his Ph.D. in marketing. His specialty is self-promotion.
I spend half my time at work correcting my Boss' mistakes. Our departmental slogan is "Just Un-Do it."
My Boss won't put a surge protector on her machine. She says everything deserves a good jolt now and then."
To see if the company was reading our email, I sent a message to a co-worker about a (fake) virus that might attack the computers, through our Internet connection, and erase all the hard drives in the office. After lunch that same day there was an Alert message on everyone's desk about the possible virus.
It was rumored that the manager of the Projection Department was recently infected with the HIV virus. Now, whenever my Boss needs projection equipment, he quips "Call the Visual Aids group".
As I passed my Boss' office, I saw him blowing on his computer mouse. When he saw me he said "I was working feverishly on this report and I think I over-heated the mouse. See, the arrow stopped moving on the screen and I'm just trying to cool it down."
My Boss recently lost a lot of weight an now wears plunging tops and short skirts to work. I wish he'd shave his legs too!
In response to my email from across the country, my Boss wrote: "I disagree. I don't think the Internet has changed my life in any way."
In a recent meeting my Boss said "I'm not intimidated by intelligence, but I don't like my employees to be MUCH smarter than me.""
In an interview on June 27,1996 my prospective new Boss said "I don't understand these dates.... you say you worked in Canada last Fall. Would that be in 1996 or 1997?"
My boss said we can't advertise in the newspaper for an opening in our department because "Unqualified people might apply."
My Boss looked at the sales counter and saw the clutter he and other co-workers left there (and I wasn't about to clean up after them). Pointing at the clutter he asked, "What's this?" I replied, "A couple of magazines, a stack of papers, and a picture frame..."
Our company installed heat sensors on the lights in all the enclosed offices to save energy. These sensors turn the lights on when they detect body heat. The lights in my Boss' office never come on.
Stopping me in the hall, my Boss said "The VP just told me my performance was sub-par. Normally I would be concerned, but you know he is an avid golfer. You think he meant I'm doing better than expected?"
With my Boss' mandated design improvements, we created 'economy' car parts that cost more than our 'premier' parts. To cover his mistake, he wants to call these new items 'premier economy parts'.
My Boss said he was going to re-model the office. He hired five new blonde secretaries.
My Boss is a Master Inventor. He creates a new excuse for every failure.
My Boss demonstrated his belief in Equal Opportunity. He hired both of his sons.
Last week my Boss greeted me with unusual glee. She said "I'm so happy you are in this meeting. I love to watch something valuable leak out of your brain. "
When my sister was coming to town for a three-day visit, I requested a Friday vacation. I was called to work that Saturday. My Boss said "I think it was generous we let you take vacation yesterday."
Working with a boss is like playing soccer. He owns the playing field and the goal post. We really can't complain when he moves the goal post, or changes the rules, but it is a bit difficult to score.
My Boss called a rush meeting the day before my major surgery. We were supposed to discuss last year's accomplishments and next year's goals. Halfway through the meeting she said "Don't submit next years goals, I'm laying you off today."
Comment during my annual salary review: "Yes you are an extremely valuable employee, but only 'outstanding' employees get raises."
In a recent staff meeting my Boss said "Next year's number one goal is to reduce the butthead count in my department." No one knew she planned to retire.
The only difference between my Boss and a donkey is that the donkey is not really an ass.
My company recently created a new, full-time, masters degree position in the computer department. To fill an obvious work load void for this new person, I suggested they train our staff on our new systems. "Yeah, right," says my boss, "We're going to pay someone with a MASTER'S DEGREE to teach."
After working through several nights and weekends to meet a deadline I'd already said was impossible, my boss turned down my pay rise. He said "Hard work doesn't count, only results."
I received a very small raise even though my evaluation was excellent. When I questioned it, my boss quipped, "I don't know why you are complaining. Your wife is working and I know that with both of your salaries, you guys make more than me."
My first job was as a waitress at a family style restaurant. On my third day, I was in the prep area preparing an order. My boss walked out of the area and stepped over a french fry. She turned and looked at me and said loudly, "When you see a french fry on the floor, you're supposed to pick it up and throw it away!" Then she walked away and left the fry on the floor.
Our bosses are so cheerily optimistic in the face of their repeated failures that we call them cheerleaders. Too bad their legs are hairy and their heads are bald.
Our management team is make up of three individuals, whom we refer to as the "tin man" (who doesn't have a heart), the "scarecrow" (who doesn't have a brain), and the "lion" (who lacks any courage).
As a manager my Boss is handicapped. He is deaf to criticism and dumb to new ideas.
My Boss is a highly qualified computer scientist, however his managerial skills 'byte'.
After several very frustrating meetings with my know-it-all Boss, he ran the following full page ad in our local newspaper: "Half-Price Shoe Sale. Buy the first pair and get the second pair half price. Good only on shoes of the same or equal value."
I was called into my Boss' office to explain why I had given an employee a copy of their performance review to take home and read prior to our review meeting. She said "We don't want employees to read their evaluations before the review meetings. It might make them angry."
An Irishman sat down at the bar and ordered a Guiness. "Is that Jesus over there?" he asked.
"Yes" said the barman.
"Well give the man a Guiness" he said.
A little while later an American walked in, sat down beside the Irisman and ordered a bourbon. "Is that Jesus over there?" he asked.
"Yes" said the barman.
"Give the man a bourbon" he said.
A little while later a Canadian Postal Worker walked in, sat down beside the American and ordered a beer. "Is that Jesus over there?" he asked.
"Yes" said the barman.
"Well give the man a beer" he said.
After He had finished His drinks, Jesus walked up to the Irishman, touched him on the shoulder and thanked him for the drink. The Irishman's withered arm was immediately cured.
Jesus then walked over to the American, touched him on the head and thanked him for the drink. "Thanks" said the Amercan "I've had a blinding migraine for the last 20 years and instantly it's gone".
Jesus then walked toward the Canadian Postal Worker.
"Don't touch me " he said " I'm on workers compensation".
Subject: Why did the Chicken cross the Road?
Response: Andersen Consultanting
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered.
"I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up...
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tiajuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to te second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of know they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the since when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic......
Supposedly an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment. . . .
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, enroute, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it is this beautiful woman. She had curves in all the right places, her skin was just tan enough to give a healthy look.. well, you know what I mean.
So, he asked her for her ticket: "Excuse me ma'ma, do have your ticket?"
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," she replied. "Sorry, ma'am can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and THREW her out of the train. Well, she landed on the tracks, was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested, thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asked for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the BIG switch once, and NOTHING HAPPENED. So, he did it again, and NOTHING HAPPENED. Well, by law the conductor was legally dead, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor!
One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy. "Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened-- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.
He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they where smart. They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and NOTHING HAPPENED.
The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and NOTHING HAPPENED, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.
Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...
Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.
This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution. When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rights, and was escorted to the chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it RIGHT! They scrubbed his body with s brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...
Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, NOTHING HAPPENED. Threw the switch a second time, NOTHING HAPPENED. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc. But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy THREE TIMES already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"
The guy replied, "I just like bananas."
So, the executioner SCREAMED, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."
A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
So the management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of the California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior executives.
FELIX THE FLYING FROG, a Parable About Modern Management
Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich. "Felix!" he said one day, hit by sudden inspiration, "We're going to be rich! I will teach you to fly!"
Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect. "I can't fly, you twit! I'm a frog, not a canary!"
Clarence, disappointed at the initial response, told Felix: "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class."
So Felix went to a three-day course and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication -- but nothing about flying. On the first day of the "flying lessons," Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment building had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window, starting with the first floor and eventually getting to the top floor.
After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly.
Felix pleaded for his life, but his pleas fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't understand how important this is," thought Clarence. "He can't see the big picture."
So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out. He landed with a thud.
The next day, poised for his second flying lesson, Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. Clarence opened his pocket guide to "Managing More Effectively," and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when introducing new, innovative programs. With that, he threw Felix out the window -- THUD!
On the third day (at the third floor), Felix tried a different ploy: stalling. He asked for a delay in the "project" until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable.
But Clarence was ready for him: He produced a timeline and pointed to the third Milestone and asked. "You don't want to slip up the schedule, do you?"
From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would only mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow. So he just muttered, "OK, yee-haw, let's go." And out the window he went.
Now this is not to say that Felix wasn't trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his legs madly in a vain attempt at flying. On the sixth day, he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts.
It didn't help.
By the seventh day, Felix, accepting his fate, no longer begged for mercy. He simply looked at Clarence and said, "You know you're killing me, don't you?"
Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him. With that, Felix said quietly, "Shut up and open the window," and he leaped out, taking careful aim at the large jagged rock by the corner of the building.
And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.
Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single objective that he had set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he hadn't even learned to steer his fall as he dropped like a sack of cement, nor had he heeded Clarence's advice to "Fall smarter, not harder."
The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong.
After much thought, Clarence smiled and said, "Next time, I'm getting a smarter frog!"
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
An Italian, Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The manager points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping".
To the Irishman, "You're in charge of shovelling".
To the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies".
"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the manager goes away for a couple of hours. And when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of the supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."
So then the manager turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him."
The manager is really pissed now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
This Arabic woman at work wears a gallon of perfume, and really heavy floral perfume, at that. People are always making remarks about it. She walked into my boss' office today, and within seconds, the scent was everywhere. She stuck around and talked with my boss for 5 minutes, then left. Immediately afterwards, my boss says "Watch this!". He goes into the analytical lab and gets a gastight syringe (the ones used for taking reactor headspace samples). He then takes an air sample from his office and injects it into a GC. Turns out that her perfume was not only detectable, but it was over the allowed indoor concentration for volatile organic compounds! Basically, we determined that she is a source of hazardous pollution. Ah, working for the government... :)
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
  1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar..
  2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
  3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground..
  4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring..
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them. But only temporarily..
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
An architect and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The engineer leans over to the architect and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The architect just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the architect politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the architect's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The engineer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The architect doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the engineer. Now, it's the architect's turn. He asks the engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers-all to no available.
After about an hour, he wakes the architect and hands him $50. The architect politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the architect and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the architect reaches into his wallet, hands the engineer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
The organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around some simply just idling.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And remember - when you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
Now get back to work.
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse manure, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" the tough lady responds.
Salesman says,"why do you ask?"
She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full- stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything, that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
Did you hear about the Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their business? Their slogan:
"Either way you get your pet back."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.
"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
Jack: I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death.
Elmer: What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?
Jack: I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work all the time.
April, 1998

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.
Now, this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back.
My ass crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my bunghole was swollen shut.
I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!), but
"That's funny ..."

-- Isaac Asimov


Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the forth was Jewish.
The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked her, then called in the next person.
The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Then, the Jewish man was called in.
He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps...
.and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS..... (He got the job....)
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
There is supposedly at least one tattoo studio in the continental US which has, in amongst all the stock designs on the walls, the Chinese for "I'm so stupid that I don't know what this means."
The person who mentioned this was American-Chinese, and asked the tattooist why this was up on the wall. The tattooist replied that it was there to catch idiots who just picked designs which they thought looked cool - and that if someone was stupid enough to get a phrase which they didn't understand tattooed on their body, he'd do it.
Apparantly he'd already put the design on several people, too - if they'd have asked him what it meant, he'd have told them, but...
A guy is cutting down a tree with a chainsaw while his friend watches. Suddenly he slips and cuts his friend's head clean off of his shoulders. They both work for the government so the guy reports the accident to his foreman.
The foreman says, "Well, somebody's going to have to tell his wife."
The guy replies, "I feel a bit guilty, so I'll go."
The guy turns up at the wife's house, but so she would know he wasn't some kind of sick hoaxer, he takes the decapitated head with him. Holding the head by the hair behind his back, he knocks on the door.
A woman opens the door. "Yes?"
"Excuse me," says the guy. "Does your husband work for the Forestry Commission?"
"Yes," says the woman.
"Does he have black hair and a black beard?"
"And a scar down his left cheek?"
"Yes, that's him," says the woman.
"Well, is this him?" says the guy, pulling the head from behind his back.
"No," says the woman.
"No?" says the guy, surprised.
"He's a lot taller than that."
A young executive was working late, trying to impress his boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7 p.m., he found the CEO standing in front of the document shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary left hours ago. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know what I would have done without you."
As his paper disappeared inside the machine the relieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
This one is from the government and has been passed around all over the place. It's an actual memo/e-mail from a secretary in a law those typo's people, you just never know!!! Ha!
PLEASE PLEASE please please please-I am begging here-keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes. The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he translated such a long joke so quickly. "Well, I didn't think they would get the point, so I said, "Our guest has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh."
A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it: "I pray for all."
A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."
A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
"Hello. This is Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online customer service. May I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like to report a problem with my telephone."
"Our records show you don't have local phone service through us."
"How'd you know who I am? I didn't give you my name."
"We have ways."
"Well, I'm pretty sure you have my phone service."
"Our records show you have long-distance, cellular, satellite TV, Internet access and your MasterCard through us. Your phone service must be through one of the other three big communications companies. Have you looked at your bill?"
"My bill is 134 pages long."
"Oh, you're one of our light users. But we'd be happy to become your local phone provider. If you sign up, you get one-third off long-distance calls made on your cellular phone to friends and family members who have an Internet home page."
"It's tempting, but I just want my phone fixed."
"Fine, sir. Just a reminder: Next time you need to contact us, try our Internet site. And when you get there, you can sign up for a free showing, through your satellite TV system, of Hamlet starring Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online CEO Ray Smith."
"Thanks. Goodbye."
Click. Dial. Ring.
"Good morning! This is SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars."
"Little Caesars? You do pizza?"
"You buy it over phone lines. It's content. Would you like one? You get a medium with two toppings when you order HBO on cable."
"Uh, no. I called because my phone line isn't working right."
"I see. Do you have your phone over your cable line or do you have your phone over a phone line."
"A phone line, I think."
"OK, then that's not SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars. My file shows that you get cable TV and video games on demand from us, but in your area, we only offer phone service over cable lines. If you use a phone line, it must be one of the other companies."
"Thanks. I'll call them."
"And sir? We're testing some new products in your area. We're offering electric service and natural gas service for 10% less than the public utilities. One-stop shopping. We want to provide you with everything that comes into your house and connects to a device or appliance."
"No, thanks. Bye."
Click. Dial. Ring.
"Hello. Endorphin Enterprises."
"I'm sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number."
"You're probably in the right place. We just changed our name. We used to be US West-UUNet-Universal Pictures-Ameritech, but that got pretty cumbersome. I guess they wanted to call it UUUUSA, but then decided to start fresh. So we're Endorphin Enterprises."
"Personally, I thought we should call ourselves Youse Guys. Get it?"
"Yeah, that's good. Um, I was calling because my phone line doesn't seem to work right."
"Ohhhhh. What services do you have with us?"
"I'm not sure."
"We offer everything: local, long-distance, cellular, cable TV, satellite TV, Internet access, music on demand and so on. But so does everybody else these days."
"Yes, well, it's gotten a little confusing. I've already called those two other companies with long names."
"Oh, right. OK, see, it looks like you don't have anything at all with us. Now, we could make your life easier by giving you all the services so you'd know who to call. Except in your area, we only offer movies on demand over the Internet, so that could be a problem."
"No, really, I just want to get my phone fixed."
"My guess is you must have your local phone service through AT&T. That's the only other company left in the business."
"OK, I'll try AT&T."
Click. Dial. Ring.
"Hello. AT&T. Bob Allen speaking."
"Bob Allen? The chairman? I'm sorry. I wanted customer service."
"No problem. Hold on a moment."
Pause. Rustling sounds.
"Hello. Customer service. Bob Allen speaking."
"Mr. Allen, I really just wanted customer service."
"This is it. We spun off everything but my office. It goes totally against the megamerger trend. Our shareholders love it. I'm getting paid $55 billion this year."
"Well, sir, my phone line doesn't work right, and I think I need someone to come fix it."
"Be right there, as soon as I can find my tool belt."
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove to "deliver" the medicine.
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!
Now quit bitching and get back to work.
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened.
Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public Works. He was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The man agreed to the conditions and starts the next day.
The supervisor checked and found that the man completed 4 miles on his first day. "Great," he thought, "this man will really work out."
The next day he learned that the man only accomplished 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "Well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."
The third day however the man only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to him."
The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"
The man replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
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The following are actual stories told to travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." her

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" after putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, " I need to fly to pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and everytime they have accepted my American Express."

When informed that his itinerary included a connecting flight, the man asked, "Does that mean I have to change planes, or do they hook the planes together like train cars?"

One caller asked if he would need a passport to go to West Virginia.

Then there was the caller who asked for a flight to Hippopatamus, NY. I told him there was no such city. I rattled off all the New York desinations, Albany, Syracuse, Buffalo. "That's it", he said, "I knew it was the name of some big dark animal."

Finally, there's the woman who is suing the airline because they forced her to buy a new set of plaid luggage. She claims every time she called the representative told her if her bag was over a certain size it would have to be checked.

Here is an unofficial comparison of work and prision. And let me tell you, at the end of a long day, this seems to be a little too close to the truth for comfort!
In Prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are sadistic wardens.
At work, we have managers.