Jokes about and with religion

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most, would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informd them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear!"
A priest was walking along the school corridor near the preschool wing when a group a little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria.
One little boy of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform priests wear.
Then he pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar insert looked like a bandaid.
So the priest took it out to show him. On the back of the collar are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said the boy who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says, 'Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!'"
Faith by Perspective
Scene: A fish bowl
Dramatis Personae: Two goldfishes
Dialogue:
"Is there God?"
"Of course there is. Who else changes the water and drops food from the sky?"
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive was tragically hit by a bus and died. His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the executive. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the executive.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the the executive found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his friends - fellow executives that he had worked with and they were all dressed in suits and evening gowns and cheering for him. They ran up and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where they enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. He met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and he had a great time telling jokes and dancing. He was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved good- bye as he got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where he found St. Peter waiting for him. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So the executive spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got him. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The executive paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again he went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to him and put his arm around him. "I don't understand," stammered the executive, " yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at the executive and smiled, "yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."
Two British sailors attended a church service in Stockholm. Not speaking a word of Swedish and not wishing to appear out of place they sat behind an important looking man and when he stood up or knelt down, they did the same. At the end of the service, the pastor made what was evidently an announcement, whereupon the man in front of the sailors rose to his feet, and they did likewise - to a roar of laughter from the congregation.
As the sailors left the church, the pastor spoke to them in English, so they asked him the reason for the laughter. "Oh!" he said, "I mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a baptism and would the father of the child please stand up."
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a near-by tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.
The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.
She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

A dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai....

God: And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moshe (Moses): Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
God: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
Moshe: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
God: No, Moshe, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's mother's milk!!!
Moshe: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....
God: Moshe, do whatever the hell you want...
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed: "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.
Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked,
"If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.
The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"
Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
ILLEGAL ALIEN HAS ILLEGITIMATE BIRTH -- BABY EXPECTED TO BE CHARGED WITH TREASON
By Harold Kitchenmouse
BETHLEHEM -- It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped in a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.
"There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw," commented local public health authorities. "We even found a donkey inside."
"The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances," offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. "She claims to have been a virgin."
Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. "There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God," explained Pilate, "and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future."
Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol, carrying illegal contraband. "We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh," explained an official with the Border Patrol. "And they didn't have any papers." The Kings were promptly arrested and deported to Syria.
At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. "This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to Global Warming," commented Al Gore.
God was pooped, tired, worn out. He said to St. Peter: "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, noded his head, then said: "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shook His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God about screamed. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
THE CREATION OF WOMAN
Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs.
Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries, last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible:
"... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young. And God spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"
And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I do not need but two breasts."
And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom."
There was a crack and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.
"Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed.
And so it was, God created Man."
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?"
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor had the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?"
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
The student received an "A" in the class.
An archaeologist in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself,
"Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the archaeologist picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again:
"Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi,"he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it. God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live.
She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
SANTA AT COLLEGE
Last night, for some reason I was thinking about Santa Claus and I had an incredible realization.
Consider the following: Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,
"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him.
Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
    ....."Born a Jew
    ......Raised a Jew
    ......Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:
    ....."Born a cow
    ......Raised a cow
    ......Now a fish."
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. "Would you look at that Darby!" said one to another. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him. "Did ya see that Darby?" the digger asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. It's a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby look!" Said the first digger removing his cap, "One of the poor girls musta died."
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy" in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree.
He is let in.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night.
So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancee to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancee.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancee insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks "So? How did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans. But the good news is, he thinks I'm God."
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them...twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
As the Pope died and approached the gates of heaven, St. Peter greeted him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome, your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life have earned you great stature in heaven. you may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied, "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said."
St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was sthrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship to God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the aisles of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "It was misspelled! There is an 'R', there's an 'R' --- it's 'celebrate', NOT 'celibate'!"
On Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year), we have a service called Taslisch (throwing) where we symbolically cast our sins away by throwing bread into the water.
Some people have asked what they are supposed to throw into the water. Here are suggestions:
For ordinary sins, use -- White Bread
For exotic sins -- French or Italian bread
For dark sins -- Pumpernickle
For complex sins -- Multi-grain
For truly warped sins -- Pretzels
For sins of indecision -- Waffles
For sins commited in haste -- Matzah
For substance abuse -- Poppy Seed
For commiting arson -- Toast
For being ill-tempered -- Sourdough
For silliness -- Nut bread
For not giving full value -- Short bread
For political chauvinism -- Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony -- Rye Bread
For continual bad jokes -- Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts -- Jelly doughnuts
British Novelist Israel Zangwell was also Jewish. Upon hearing this, a gentile told him that Jews were suspicious of gentiles, clannish, and unfriendly.
The author looked at the speaker, sighed, and replied, "Yes. Two thousand years of Christian Love has made us very nervous."
For the non-Jews on the list, yartzeit is the annual "rememberance" of a close relative's death.
-------------
It's the yahtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetary to recite a prayer over his grave and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered.
She arrives at the cemetary, but it being a while since she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site.
Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small chapel on the cemetary grounds where the records are kept.
Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum."
"That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in my name."
Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk.
St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line.
While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about.
"Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes."
"Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter.
"Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan."
Two Jews are walking along when they see a sign that says, "Attention, Jews...five thousand dollars if you convert."
The first guy says, "Five thousand dollars is a lot of money."
The other guy says, "Your grandfather was a rabbi, and your entire family is so religious, they would never forgive you."
The first guy says, "I could use the money, and they'll never know."
So he goes in, and after a few hours he comes out.
The other guy says, "Did you get the money?" He says, "You Jews, always thinking about money."
A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest enjoyed teasing their Rabbi friend, continually asking him when he was going to convert to their religion.
When the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them the following card:
"Season's Greetings! Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish; When the Messiah comes, you'll wish you were Jewish!!"
Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask.
Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was: "Will there ever be married Catholic priests?"
God promptly replied: "Not in your life-time."
Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: "what about female priests then, will we have that one day?"
Again God had to disappoint Old Andrzej: "Not in your life-time, I'm afraid."
Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having though for a while, he asked the last question: "Will there ever be another Polish pope?"
God answered quickly and with a firm voice, "Not in My life time."
A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The minister explains: "I draw a circle aroung myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants he can take."
Divine Press Release
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
A Jew is begging outside the Vatican, he's holding up a Magen David (star of David). A few yards away another man, man is begging and holding up a cross.
Naturally, people are walking out of the Vatican and placing money in the beggar's dish with the cross.
A priest, rather perturbed by the situation, comes up to the Jew and says: "Do yourself a favor, sonny, move yourself to another part of town. It'll be a lot better."
The priest walks off and then the Jew yells out to the other beggar:
"Hey Hymie, he's telling us how to run OUR business!!!
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used,the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the creator of all.
Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three.
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end?"
"You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read? I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!"
Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: Serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?"
Bauman hung his head in shame.
"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscresions."
Finally, he turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, on the other hand have gone to far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying "'Closed for the Holiday!'"
Two nuns were living in the jungle, doing their good work.
One day they were strolling through the bushes, as suddenly two dangerous looking guys jumped before them. Each of them takes a nun, throws her on the soil and starts raping them.
"Oh God", cries the first nun, "forgive him, 'cause he doesn't know what he is doing..."
"Well, mine sure does!", groans the second nun.
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: [thinking quickly] "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright"..
Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish.
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having ever said it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an hour - ninety minutes long, tops."
They promise to grant him the wish. "Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long - then I'll go happily."
The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to the shul president.
"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes, "Shoot me first!"
Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."
"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on theevening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remiond yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before. "Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes."
"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused and then said "But I boiled them first."
Confession Box Special:
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?".
The woman says "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
A thirty five year old lawyer found himself in heaven ( how he got there is unknown) and went in front of God for judgement.
"God", he asked, "Why did I have to die so young?"
To this, God looked puzzled and reply: "It says here that you lived well into your eighties..."
"But God," said the lawyer, "I'm only thirty-five!"
God looked puzzled for a minute and then figured it out and said: "I guess we should have counted your birthdays not the billed out hours."
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.
At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"
The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy."
The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom".
The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"
The following Bible stories were apparently written by real students and are genuine, authentic and unretouched. Richard Lederer assembled them; they appeared in National Review magazine on 1995-DEC-31.
Three nuns went to heaven, and were met at the pearly gate by Petrus, who said: "Before you enter I have to ask you a question." He asked the first nun: "Who was the first man on earth?"
The first nun thought about this, then answered: "Adam!"
"Right, you may enter" Petrus said. Second question to second nun: "Who was the first woman on earth?"
She answered immediately: "Eve."
"Right," said Petrus, "you may enter. enter." Then he turned to the third nun: "Now to you. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
She looked amazed and said: ".... uh..... that's a hard one..."
Petrus answered: "Right, you may enter.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
When the Pope landed in Baltimore to visit, he said to his chief of security: "You know, every time I go someplace, I'm always driven by somebody. Just once I would like to drive myself. This time I want to drive the limo, instead of sitting in the back."
His guards reluctantly agreed, and the Pope drove the limo. Once on the highway he drove a little too fast, and was pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper walked up the window and asked for driver's license and registration. The trooper took the information and went back to his car. He radioed his supervisor. He said "Sergeant, I have pulled over somebody really important, and I don't know what to do."
His sergeant said "Who is it? Is it the Mayor of Baltimore?"
"No, he's more important than the mayor."
"Did you pull over the Senator?"
"No, this person is more important than the senator"
"You didn't pull over the President did you?"
"I don't know who he is, but he must be r-e-a-l-l-y important because the Pope is his driver."
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT.....
Two days later...
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope asshole is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough fucking money to buy air conditioning."
One day Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat talking. They get to talking about the old days and they decide to test their own powers. Moses goes first. He stands up in the boat and spreads his arms and the water parts around them and before they know it they're sitting on the bottom of the lake. He lowers his arms and the water returns to normal.
It's Jesus' turn now. He stands up and is about to step onto the water, but when he tries he sinks right to the bottom. When he finally crawls back in the boat, Moses asks him what happened.
Jesus replies, "I forgot about these damn holes in my feet."
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment.
After the Pope insists, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that." The Queen said, "Watch this!" So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad.
The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done."
So, the Pope head-butted her.
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied "I have no idea, and i'm definately not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!
One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, this time selecting a 4 iron. This shot was perfect; landing right in the middle of the green.
Jesus pauses for a moment to ponder his club selection. "Hmmmm..... Arnold Palmer would use this", he says as he picks up a 5 iron.
"But, Jesus. My 5 iron shot ended up in the lake. You should use a 4 iron!"
"Nope. Arnie would use a 5", insisted Jesus.
So, Jesus swings hard and alas his shot ends up in the middle of the lake too. Jesus strolls over to the lake and walks out on the water to retrieve his ball. As Jesus is walking on the water trying to locate his ball a foursome comes up to the tee, sees a man walking on the water and one of them exclaims, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"
"No", explains Moses, "He is Jesus Christ. He *thinks* he's Arnold Palmer."
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat right next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"
Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Pete says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says (with heavy Italian accent), "I want to be Sarah Pepalini."
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sarah Pepalini" replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
"No Sister, this says, Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!"
A bunch of preachers are having a meeting in the rectory of a Catholic priest. Just as they're silently tuning up for some heavy orations, the priest offers all of them a whiskey to ease tensions and get the smell of religious napalm out of the air.
"Don't mind if I do, thanks," says the Methodist vicar, who slugs down three fingers of Wild Turkey.
"And you?" asks the priest of the born-again minister. "What?" the born-again shouts indignantly. "Drink alcohol? Why, I'd rather debauch in a whorehouse!"
At this the Methodist spits his whisky back into the glass and hollers, "Whoa! You mean we get a choice?"
On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on earth.
As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open.
"What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time. They arrive at the pearly gates at the same time, but due to a mix up, Bill Clinton is let into Heaven and the Pope is sent down to Hell.
After about a week St. Peter realises his mistake and gets the Pope and Bill Clinton into his office. He explains that Bill Clinton should have gone to Hell and the Pope to Heaven.
"I thought there was something wrong," said the Pope, "All my life I have been Holy in the hope that when I die, I would go to Heaven and meet the Virgin Mary."
Bill Clinton interrupted, "I'm afraid you may be a bit late....."
The local Hebrew School decided to observe Israel's 50th anniversary with a special ecumenical celebration, and invited everyone in the neighborhood, of whatever background, to participate in any way they thought appropriate, or to just come and observe, and have some home-baked cookies washed down with grape juice or heavy super-sweet wine.
There were speeches, dramatizations, and miscellaneous musical performances. At one point Mrs. Goldberg, in the third row, wiped away a tear as her little Miriam scratched out a hesitant rendition of "Hatikvah" on a shiny new violin. Mrs. Goldberg noticed that a man seated next to her also had tears running down his face. "Isn't it wonderful", she said to him, "to know that our heritage will be carried on by the next generation!"
"I suppose so," he said, "but I'm not Jewish."
"So why the tears?"
"I'm a musician."

Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading --- a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong --- how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".
The Pope decided, on a whim, to tour Las Vegas. So he took a flight from the Vatican on board an American airline. Once inside the jet, the captain greeted him saying "Hello Mr. Presley, I am very proud that you have chosen my aircraft to fly to Vegas. It has been indeed a pleasure to meet you Mr. Presley."
The Pope looked at the captain very confused and replied "My name is not Mr. Presley, I am the Pope, head of the Catholic Church." The captain paid no attention and went back to his cabin.
The plane landed in Vegas, and as the Pope left the aircraft he was met by a limosine driver, who was there to take him to his hotel. The limo driver exclaimed, "Elvis, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you. I am one of your greatest fans." The Pope again was confused and replied "My name is not Elvis. I am the Pope, head of the Catholic Church." The driver paid no attention, and dropped the Pope off at the hotel.
The Pope entered the hotel and was greeted by the desk clerk who said "Hello Mr. Presley and welcome. We are pleased that you have chosen our hotel for your visit to Las Vegas. We have the finest room available for you, as well as the best call girls available for your pleasure."
The Pope looked at the desk clerk and replied in a deep voice "Thank you. Thank you very much."
Pope John Paul was relaxing in the garden at the Vatican, beating his meat, and thinking about one of the nuns in the office, Sr. Serena. He heard a clicking sound coming from the other side of the garden, just as he shot his wad, and saw a Japenese tourist there, firing away with his camera. Mindfull of the terrible scandal that the photo would bring, he rearranged his robes, and approached the tourist. "Nice camera you have there," said the Pope.
"Ahhhh, yes" replied the tourist, "It is Nikons newest model"
John Paul thought for a minute, and said "You know, I'm a bit of a camera buff myself, but the newest technology never gets to Rome until it's about a year old. Would you consider selling that camera to me? I'll give you $2000"
The tourist quickly agreed, and John Paul strode back towards his room with the camera hanging around his neck, intending to destroy the film as soon as possible. He ran into Cardinal O'Malley in one of the corridors, who commented on what a fine camera it was, and asked John Paul how much he had paid for it. John Paul replied "$2000"
Cardinal O'Malley doubled up in laughter and said "Oh, John Paul, he must have seen YOU coming"
A century or so ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe, who spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! . "What happened?" they said "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
A man was coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
Upon seeing the man, whom he rarely saw in church, the minister grabbed him by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow,
"I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
The old geezer lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they were bored to tears. Finally the old geezer died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, "Welcome to Heaven! We'd like you to be eternally happy, so if there's anything you'd like to do, anything at all, just tell me and we'll fix it up for you."
"Thanks," said the old geezer. "I'd sure like to tell a bunch of folks about how I survived the Ohio River floods."
"No problem," said St. Peter. "I'll make the arrangements and get back to you."
A few days later, St. Peter contacted the old geezer and took him to the lecture hall where he was to give his talk. They both waited backstage while the audience got settled, and the geezer was pleased to see that it was rather a large crowd. The St. Peter grabbed the old geezer's arm. "Now, I don't want to make you nervous, but I've just spotted Noah in the crowd."
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order.
She wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late!  So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that fucking haircut?'"
Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled. One day, Mike bursts in on the pastor in his rectory and says, "Father, Father, ye wouldn't believe what just happened to Paddy in the Church!"
"Well, then tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church?"
"Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches. He reached into the holy water font, rubbed holy water all over his right leg, and threw away his right crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks the priest.
"Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his other crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell me what happened next!"
"Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass! He's a cripple, ye know."
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.
"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."
A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.
"Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.
On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"
Dear God,
So far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty, or selfish.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed
and that is when I'm going to need a lot of help.
Amen
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started i've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
It was time for St Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.
"It's no big deal," St Peter explained. "Just sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him. He asked the old man to tell him something about himself.
"I'm a simple carpenter," said the old man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in the world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."
By this time, Jesus was standing with his arms outstretched. There were tears in his eyes, as he embraced the old man. "Father," he cried. "It's been so long."
The old man squinted, removed his glasses, stares blankly for a moment while he wiped the glasses, returned the glasses to his head, looked at Jesus again and said, "Pinocchio?"
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter."And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."
So, it seems that two nuns were traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second.
She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second.
Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!"

Honk If You Love The Lord

The other day I went into the local religious book store, where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car - and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!!
I was stopped at a light in a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked!! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
The guy behind be started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting - "Go Jesus Christ !!! GO!"
Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach", and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sight - so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "Mother Trucker", or mothers from there. Maybe he was from Florida too - He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray - but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this girl. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Do you know the definition of Heaven and Hell?
Heaven:
An American salary.
A British home.
Chinese food.
A Japanese wife.
Hell:
A Chinese salary.
A Japanese home.
British food.
An American wife.

Heaven:
the Lovers are Italian
the Engineers are German
the Police are British
and it is all managed by the Swiss.
Hell:
the Lovers are Swiss
the Engineers are British
the Police are German
and it is all managed by the Italians!
Three guys found themselves in Hell: Smitty, Mark, and Brian. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall (which they hadn't noticed before) open, and behind the door was perhaps the Ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Smitty, you have sinned!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Martin was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his doom.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and lo! an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7', covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
The Voice of the Devil was heard, "Mark, you have sinned!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!!!" And Joe, like Martin, was whisked off.
Brian, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford!!!!!!!!!!!!
Delighted, Brian jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a shiny metallic NASA-space-age material bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil say :
"Cindy, you have sinned ........"
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Cat Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!"
Last summer in Howard County we had the worst drought in over one hundred years. A church near us, Shepherd of the Glen, even held a special prayer service. After the opening hymn, Pastor Paul looked slowly around at those assembled and said, "I can see not many of you have the faith necessary for a service like this -- not a single soul brought an umbrella."

The Origin Of Pets

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
A businessman from Wisconsin took a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnston, at her address, JenJohn@abc.world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter in the e-dress, and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@abc.world.net. This belonged to a Jean Johnson of Duluth Min., the widow of a preacher who had just passed away and had been buried earlier that day.
The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.
On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.
"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well...," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus...but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must' attend!"
"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.
She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"
A man had been in business for many, many years and the business was going downhill rapidly. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. As his last ditch effort, he turned to his priest for advice.
He described all the details for the priest and asked the Priest what he should do.
The Priest replied, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read that page of the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man did as he was told, putting absolute faith in the advice. He placed his beach chair and a Bible in his car and drove to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages of the Bible and then stopped eventually open to a particular page. He looked down at the Bible and saw His answer.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Priest. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife was all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in a beautiful silk dress.
The man handed the Priest a thick envelope full of money and told him that he wanted to donate the money to the church in order to thank the Priest for his wonderful advice. The Priest was delighted. He recognized the man and asked what advice in the Bible brought him this good fortune.
"Well, when I opened it up," said the fortunate businessman, "there was the answer: Chapter 11."
Ireland, in the middle of the night. A man walks through the empty streets. Suddenly another man appears right in front of him and asks: "Catholic or Protestant?"
Our man thinks a second and replies: "Jew!"
The other man grins and says: "Oh! I think, now I'm the most happy Arab in Belfast!"
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot.
The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh, sister, if only I had your faith."
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he couldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.
{Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.}
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10".
{I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.}
On the letterhead of:
The Anglican Church of Canada
Office of the Primate
John Hearn, Director
Wisconson Regional Primate Research Centre
1223 Capitol Court
Madison, Wisconsin
U.S.A. 53715-1299
December 11, 1991
Dear Dr. Hearn:
Thank you for your letter of December 4 addressed to Dr. George Cram of the Primate's World Relief and Development Fund in which you seek information for your International Directory of Primatology.
I should perhaps inform you that the term 'primate' in our context refers to the senior archbishop and chief pastor of the Anglican Church of Canada. The Relief and Development Fund over which he presides is an agency for the alleviation of global poverty and hunger on behalf of Anglican Christians in this country.
I think the primates in your study are perhaps of a different species. While it is true that our primate occasionally enjoys bananas, I have never seen him walk with his knuckles on the ground or scratch himself publicly under the armpits. He does have three children, but this is a far cry from 'breeding colonies of primates' as your research project mentions. Like you we do not import our primates from the wild, however. They are elected from among the bishops of our church. This is occasionally a cause of similar, though arcane, comment.
The subject of primate biology might be of great importance in your field but, alas, not so in ours. There are a mere 28 Anglican primates in the whole world. They are all males, of course, but so far we have had no problems with reproduction. They include such distinguished persons as the Most Reverend and Right Honourable George Carey, Archbishop of Canterbury and Archbishop Desmond Tutu of Capetown, South Africa. Have you sent letters to them? Most importantly, have they responded? They can, I believe, all read and write by themselves so perhaps this might distort your data. Thank you for writing. I wonder if your extremely efficient database might need just a little refining?
Kindest Regards,
The Reverend Michael Ingham
Principal Secretary
to the Primate
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
This family moves into a new town. They had two little hellion boys that terrorized the teachers at their previous school. The nearest school in their new town was a Catholic school. Well, they weren't Catholic, but they decided to send their two boys there anyway, hoping perhaps that the Nuns there would be able to straighten these boys out. The boys began living up to their name, and terrorized their new school. One day, the younger of the two gets caught, and the nun grabs him by the scruff of the neck, and hauls him down to the head priest.
The head priest sits him down across from his desk. "Satan is controlling you. He is why you are bad. Don't you know, that no matter where you are or what you do, that God is always there, always watching you? God is everywhere. He's at your home, here at school, where ever you are, He is there, whether you are naughty, nice, good or bad, he is always there, watching you!" The priest speaks for 15 minutes, hoping to get through to the boy.
After he is done with his speech, he asks the boy, "Now, where is God?"
The boy just shrugs.
Again, the priest asks, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy just shrugs. By now, the priest is getting upset, and points at the boy. "WHERE IS GOD!!??"
The boy looks around: under his chair, around the room. He drops his head down a little bit and shrugs his shoulders.
The priest was furious by now; he yelled at the boy, "Go home! Get your mother, and bring her back here with you!"
Well, by this time, school was already out, and all the kids had gone home, so the boy runs home as fast as he can. When he gets home, his older brother is outside playing. He runs over to him, grabs a hold of him.
"Get in the house, we're in big trouble," the boy says.
He pulls his brother inside the house. "Come on upstairs, quick!"
Upstairs they went. He pulls his brother in the bedroom.
"Get in here, fast!" He opens the closet. "Get in here, NOW!"
He closes the closet door and says "We're in real big trouble now!"
His brother asks, "What, what is it? What did we do?"
"God is missing, and they're blaming us!"
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
A: Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.
Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football stadium.
Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.
Q: Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
A: If they do, it's odd!
We were slaves to our employers, working seven days a week with no benefits, and then the unions were organized, and decreed a five-day workweek and many holidays in the end of the year. Now if the unions had not gotten their act together, then we, and our sons, and even our grandsons, would still have to work on Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Xmas, and New Years. But our daughters and granddaughters still await their salvation.
There are four types of children who ask questions on Xmas: the wise one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to ask.
What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't understand him either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.
What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this holiday to you?" Because he excludes himself from the community, you must exclude him from your table, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time and a half for working on Xmas day.
What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?" You will say to him, "This is dinner."
As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room, wake him up and say, "Next year, remember to come to the table!"
If we would have a beautiful tree, but not have stockings hanging from the fireplace, it would have been enough.
If we would have stockings hanging from the fireplace, but not get today off from work, it would have been enough.
If we would get today off from work, and not get off on Erev Xmas as well, it would have been enough.
If we would get off on Erev Xmas as well, but not get presents, it would have been enough.
If we would get presents, but not a delicious dinner, it would have been enough.
If we would have a delicious dinner and no dessert, it would have been enough.
If we would have dessert, but not watch the football game, it would have been enough.
If we would watch the football game, but not see our team win, it would have been enough.
If we would see our team win, and have a hangover the next morning, it would have been enough.
(Pick up the eggnog and say:) But we do have a beautiful tree, and we have stockings hanging from the fireplace, and we got today off from work, and we got off on Erev Xmas as well, and we got presents, a delicious dinner, and dessert, and we watched the football game, and saw our team win, and so we will now toast our team, and pray that we do not get a hangover tomorrow morning: "Yay team!"
Next year is Purim!
"Don't just do something; sit there!"
~~~ The Building is On Fire! ~~~
During an ecumenical gathering, someone rushed in and shouted, "The building is on fire!" Immediately,
The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed,
The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?",
The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire brings,
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil,
The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plate,
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out,
The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself....",
The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted. "It's the vengeance of God!",
The PENTACOSTALS rebuked and bound the fire "In JEEEEsus' Name!"
The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would pass,
The JEHOVAH's WITNESSES passed out literature about the fire,
The MORMONS ran late-night T.V. commercials for free videos of the fire,
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves that there was not a fire,
The SCIENTOLOGISTS charged admission to the fire, and
The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to the voting assembly.
...at which point the fire cowered and extinguished itself.
WARNING: This is not religiously "politically" correct, but it cracked me up anyways.
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh, yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well, no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
  1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
  2. Use alcohol in moderation.
  3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
  4. Eat right.
  5. Hank dictated this list himself.
  6. The moon is made of green cheese.
  7. Everything Hank says is right.
  8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
  9. Don't drink.
  10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
  11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says, 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says, 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says, 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says, 'Eat right,' and item 8 says, 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says, 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says, 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock...."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying, 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But.... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that...."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
CHANUKAH

'T was the night before Chanukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, by gosh
But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh
A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels
Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles
Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy
A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh
And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes
Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes."
"A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?"
On the outside it's golden and inside it's white.
On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy
And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy.
Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays
And he took a menorah to light for eight days
And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt
For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt.
He beamed and he chuckled and said "Kine-ahaora,
I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer
To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack
I'm leaving you everything, even my sack."
Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn."
And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein
"Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie,
Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly."
And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight
"MERRY LATKES" to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."

Very Rough Translations of yiddish:
zeckel= bag * maidlach = girl * peckel = coin
meichel = meal * beichel = stomach * kinder = children
balbusta = lady of the house (usually a very nice description)
mezzuzah = Commandments inside a small oblong ornament attached to right side of the door jam
zeit = life * nosh = snack * stuffed derma = cow intestines
flanken = flank steak
blintzes = rolled like a crepe, but stuffed full with
fruit & cottage cheese (or something similar)
bissel = a little piece * lox = smoked salmon (fish)
bialy = kind of roll, sold with bagels * chaleh = bread
gatkes = guts * latkes = potato pancakes
dreidel = special spinning top, with hebrew letters on the side, used for a game at Chanukah
menorah = candle holder for symbolic Chanukah candle lighting
mazel = luck * gelt = coins
schnorrer: cheapskate, typically used to descibe someone who always takes, but never gives anything back
: THIS PARODY IS INTENDED ONLY FOR HUMOROUS PURPOSES.:
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: (c) 1997 Akiva and Ilene Miller. Permission is :
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: free, and only if we get the credit (or blame!) :
Have you ever wondered what Xmas would be like it if were a Jewish holiday?
----------
: LAWS OF XMAS :
I. PREPARING FOR XMAS
1. PREPARATIONS FOR XMAS MUST NOT BEGIN(1) BEFORE THANKSGIVING.(2) THIS APPLIES TO PREPARATIONS WHICH AFFECT THE HOLIDAY MOOD,(3) BUT NOT THOSE WHICH ARE DONE IN PRIVATE.(4)
(1) This contrasts sharply with Shabbos, for the mitzva of honoring Shabbos applies all week long. For example, if one finds a particularly good food during the week, one should save it for Shabbos even though it is now only Sunday and Shabbos is a week away. However, Xmas preparations may not begin too far in advance, in order to fulfill the dictum, "It's beginning to look a lot like Xmas."
(2) This is because of the principle that two festive occasions should not be mixed into each other. Note the decree of the great R.H. Macy, who established that Santa Claus may not appear in the Thanksgiving Day parade until after all the other floats have passed.
(3) Such as setting up the Xmas tree (some say even buying one,) or playing holiday music on the muzak.
(4) Such as buying gifts or buying the Xmas dinner turkey. Cooking the turkey may not be done before Thanksgiving because it will appear to be a Thanksgiving turkey.
2. SOME HOLD THAT THE TREE SHOULD BE DECORATED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THANKSGIVING,(5) BUT OTHERS PREFER TO DECORATE IT AS CLOSE TO XMAS AS POSSIBLE.(6)
(5) For the mitzva of "adding to the yom tov" by beginning the Xmas season early.
(6) As it is said, "Do not put off for tomorrow, that which can be put off for the day after tomorrow."
----------
II. THE TREE
1. ANY SPECIES OF TREE IS KOSHER FOR USE AS A XMAS TREE, PROVIDED THAT IT HAS NEEDLES AND NOT LEAVES. IN OUR LANDS IT IS CUSTOMARY TO USE A FIR TREE.(7) IT SHOULD BE REASONABLY FRESH, BUT NOT TOO FRESH, IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PRINCIPLE "A XMAS TREE WITH NO FALLEN NEEDLES IS LIKE A SUKKAH WITH NO BUZZING BEES."
(7) If the lady of the house already has a fur, then any evergreen may be used.
2. THE TREE SHOULD BE CHOPPED DOWN SPECIFICALLY FOR USE AS A XMAS TREE; IF IT HAD BEEN CUT FOR LUMBER IT IS INVALID. IF THE TREE WAS CUT FOR GENERAL DECORATIVE PURPOSES, BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY AS A XMAS TREE, SOME AUTHORITIES ALLOW IT WHILE OTHERS ARE STRICT. A STOLEN TREE IS NOT VALID FOR THE MITZVAH.(8) FORTUNATE IS ONE WHO IS ABLE TO CHOP HIS OWN TREE HIMSELF.(9)
(8) One who cuts his own tree must make sure that he has permission from the landowner to do so. Ideally, cut only from one's own backyard. A tree taken from a reshus harabim, such as the county park (which is actually a carmelis, not a reshus harabim,) is considered as stolen and pasul.
(9) One who is unable to cut his own tree should make sure to purchase it from a reputable dealer, or one who is certified by a national kashrus organization.
3. DURING THE SHMITTA YEAR, A JEW MAY NOT CUT THE TREE DOWN, BUT IT SHOULD BE DONE BY A GENTILE. HOWEVER, SINCE THE TREE IS INEDIBLE, THE PROBLEMS OF "KEDUSHAS SHVIIS" WHICH APPLY TO THE ESROG DO NOT APPLY TO THE XMAS TREE.
4. THE TREE MUST BE BRIGHT GREEN. BRIGHT RED, OR A MIXTURE OF GREEN AND RED, IS ALSO ACCEPTABLE FOR A XMAS TREE(10), BUT BROWN IS NOT. THERE MAY BE ONE BROWN SPOT NEAR THE BOTTOM OF THE TREE,(11) BUT IN THE TOP HALF OF THE TREE, EVEN ONE BROWN SPOT WILL PASSUL THE TREE. A TRULY PIOUS PERSON WILL MAKE SURE TO BRING ALONG A XMAS TREE EXPERT WHEN HE GOES TO LOOK FOR HIS TREE.(12)
(10) Because such trees do not grow red naturally, many Sefaradim adorn the tree with red poinsettia flowers. Ashkenazim prefer poinsettas.
(11) Or even two, provided they are on opposite sides so they cannot be both seen at the same time.
(12) But it is more macho to pretend to be an expert and pick the tree out himself.
5. THE REQUIRED HEIGHT OF THE TREE IS SUBJECT TO MANY RULES. AN INDOOR TREE MUST BE TALL ENOUGH SO THAT IT REACHES WITHIN 3 TEFACHIM OF THE CEILING.(13) AN OUTDOOR TREE MUST BE AT LEAST 20 AMOS TALL.
(13) Where local fire codes prohibit the use of such large trees, a smaller tree - even a bonsai - may be used, provided it has toy people around it who will make it appear tall.
6. THE LAW IS "ETZ ISH U'BEITO" - ONE TREE FOR A MAN AND HIS HOME. THIS TEACHES THAT INDIVIDUALS MUST HAVE A XMAS TREE AT THEIR HOME, AND THAT THE MAIN FUNCTION OF THE TREE IS FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE FAMILY, BUT PUBLIC PLACES ARE EXEMPT. IF ONE WISHES TO PLACE HIS PERSONAL TREE IN A PUBLIC LOCATION HE MAY DO SO, BUT HE WILL NOT HAVE FULFILLED HIS OBLIGATION UNLESS IT IS TRULY SEEN BY THE PUBLIC. IN THIS CASE, "SEEN BY THE PUBLIC" MEANS THAT THE TREE IS LARGE ENOUGH THAT IT IS SHOWN ON THE LOCAL TV NEWS REPORTS.(14)
(14) This is the origin of the custom of the great tree in Rockefeller Center, where a shaliach from Lubavitch lights the tree just before sunset on Erev Xmas, and is then returned to Crown Heights by an NYPD helicopter in time for the dinner meal.
7. IN RECENT YEARS, THERE HAS BEEN A GREAT CONTROVERSY OVER THE USE OF MANUFACTURED TREES. L'HALACHA, SOME HOLD THEY ARE PASUL,(15) WHILE OTHER AUTHORITIES HOLD THEY ARE VALID.(16) L'MAASEH, HOWEVER, EVEN THE LENIENT OPINIONS HOLD THAT ARTIFICIAL TREES ARE TOO TACKY, AND THUS VIOLATE THE PRINCIPLE OF "HADAR". BUT IF ONE HAS ALREADY MET HIS OBLIGATION BY DISPLAYING AT LEAST ONE KOSHER XMAS TREE, HE MAY HAVE ADDITIONAL TREES OF ANY KIND, NATURAL OR NOT.(17)
(15) Based on the pasuk "Etz chayim hee" ("A tree is alive"), teaching that even if it looks like a tree, it still cannot be a tree unless it was alive at some point.
(16) Based on the pasuk "Etz chayim hee" ("It is a tree of life"), teaching that some trees have life, and others do not necessarily have life.
(17) Similarly, manufactured trees are acceptable in malls, offices, and other exempt public places.
8. ORIGINALLY, THE LAW WAS THAT THE TREE MUST BE DISPLAYED SO THAT IT WOULD BE VISIBLE TO PASSERS-BY OUTSIDE THE HOME. OVER THE CENTURIES, AS PERSECUTIONS INCREASED, THE PEOPLE INSIDE THE HOME BECAME THE MAIN AUDIENCE. EVEN SO, IT SHOULD BE DISPLAYED IN A PROMINENT AREA OF THE HOUSE, TO SHOW RESPECT FOR THIS MITZVAH. WHEN POSSIBLE, IT SHOULD PREFERABLY BE BY A WINDOW WHERE IT COULD BE VIEWED FROM THE STREET, TO CONTINUE THE ORIGINAL PRACTICE.
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III. DECORATING THE TREE
1. AS WITH ALL MITZVOS, THE TREE SHOULD BE TASTEFULLY(18) DECORATED. POPCORN TASTES EXCELLENT, AND SOME STRING POPCORN TOGETHER (WITH NEEDLE AND THREAD)(19) TO MAKE LONG CHAINS WHICH ARE WRAPPED AROUND THE TREE.
(18) In order to keep children actively interested and participating in all the goings-on, "tasteful" is defined by the youngest person in the household. This generally results in displaying all sorts of holiday projects in school, no matter how tacky or amateurishly done, giving great prominence to "artwork" which is normally allowed nowhere but the refrigerator door.
(19) To remind us of the pasuk, "We're all connected." (Nynex)
2. THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT MINHAGIM REGARDING THE DECORATIONS. THE MORE DECORATED THE TREE, THE BETTER. ONE MUST BE CAREFUL TO MAKE SURE THE DECORATIONS ARE PUT ON SYMMETRICALLY.(20)
(20) This is derived from the law that one's head tefillin must be in the exact middle of one's head, and the similarity of the words "tefillin" and "tree fallen".
3. TREE DECORATIONS ARE CONSIDERED "MUKTZA L'MITZVASA", "SET ASIDE FOR ITS MITZVA", AND MAY NOT BE USED FOR ANY PERSONAL USE UNTIL AFTER XMAS IS OVER.(21) FOR EXAMPLE, EDIBLE DECORATIONS MAY NOT BE EATEN UNTIL AFTER XMAS. SIMILARLY, SINCE THEY MAY NOT BE USED FOR PERSONAL USE, ANY DECORATIONS WHICH FALL FROM THE TREE ON SHABBOS OR ON YOM TOV MAY NOT BE REPLACED(22) UNTIL AFTER SHABBOS OR YOM TOV.
(21) See Siman 9 below for opinons regarding when Xmas actually ends.
(22) Or even handled.
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IV. GIFTS
1. ONE IS OBLIGATED TO BUY PRESENTS, REGARDLESS OF HIS INCOME LEVEL, FOR EVERY PERSON THAT HE HAS EVER SPOKEN TO IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE AND THEIR IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS. ONE MAY GO INTO SERIOUS DEBT IN ORDER TO CARRY OUT THIS MITZVAH. PRESENTS MAY BE EXCHANGED AT ANY CONVENIENT TIME DURING DECEMBER UP UNTIL THE 25TH.
2. REGARDING A CHILD WHOSE BIRTHDAY OCCURS ON OR AROUND XMAS, SOME SAY TO GIVE HIM A DOUBLE PORTION OF GIFTS,(23) AND OTHERS SAY TO GIVE HIM A SINGLE PORTION.(24) SOME RESOLVE THIS BY GETTING HIM A NORMAL NUMBER OF GIFTS, BUT THEY WOULD BE DOUBLE IN SIZE OR VALUE.(25)
(23) Which may cause others to feel cheated.
(24) Which will surely cause him to feel cheated.
(25) Another idea has been to celebrate "Xmas in August". See Rabbi Edward's opinion below, in section 9:2.
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V. THE OFFICE PARTY
1. "WHEN DECEMBER ARRIVES, OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY DECREASES".(26) BEGINNING AT 9:00 AM ON THE MONDAY PRIOR TO XMAS, ALL REAL OFFICE WORK STOPS.(27) IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION OF DOING REAL WORK, EMPLOYEES BUSY THEMSELVES WITH TASKS SUCH AS THE COMPANY NEWSLETTER, OR PLANNING THE OFFICE "HOLIDAY PARTY".
(26) As it is said, "It's a slow time of year."
(27) When that Monday is Erev Xmas itself, this work stoppage is moved up to the preceding Monday.
2. IT IS A REQUIREMENT THAT ALL COMPANIES CONDUCT AN ANNUAL "HOLIDAY PARTY" EACH YEAR. THIS HAD BEEN CALLED A "XMAS PARTY" UNTIL 1972, WHEN THE SUPREME COURT RULED IT TO BE A DISCRIMINATORY NAME. THE TERM "HOLIDAY PARTY" WAS ENACTED IN ORDER TO MAKE NATIVE AMERICANS, ASIANS, AND MUSLIMS(27a) ALL FEEL EQUALLY UN-AMERICAN.
(27a) When Ramadan is not in December.
3. THE "HOLIDAY PARTY", IN ORDER TO BE DONE PROPERLY, REQUIRES A GREAT DEAL OF RITUAL DRINKING AND DEBAUCHERY. "AD'LOYADA" - ONE MUST DRINK AND CONTINUE DRINKING UP TO(28) THE POINT HE CANNOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HIS FAT DUMPY WIFE AND HIS GORGEOUS 22 YEAR-OLD BLOND SECRETARY.(29)
(28) In this case, "up to" means "ad v'lo ad b'clal" - "up to but NOT including" the point when he cannot tell the difference. Once one has reached this point he is excused from further drinking. See next note for more details.
(29) The example above presumes that he is a male, and his secretary is a female. However, if his secretary is male, and he has reached the point where he cannot tell the difference between his fat dumpy wife and his handsome 22 year-old blond male secretary, then he is forbidden to drink any more alcohol until Purim.
4. ALL BANKS AND OFFICES MUST CLOSE AT NOON(30) ON THE 24TH OF DECEMBER SO THAT EVERYONE MAY BE ABLE TO GET HOME IN TIME TO TAKE CARE OF THE LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS.
(30) Retail establishments remain open until 4 PM on Erev Xmas, and Toys 'R' Us until midnight. Denny's never closes.
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VI. THE FESTIVE MEAL
1. AFTER TZEIS HAKOCHAVIM, THE FAMILY GATHERS TOGETHER FOR THE EREV XMAS MEAL. THERE ARE VARIOUS OPINIONS AS TO WHAT IS TO BE EATEN AT THIS MEAL. ONLY FISH IS TO BE EATEN AT THE EREV XMAS MEAL.(31) ITALIANS HAVE THE MINHAG OF EATING 12 FISHES(32) AT THIS MEAL CORRESPONDING TO THE 12 DAYS OF XMAS.
(31) When Erev Xmas is on Friday, and the seudah coincides with the first Shabbos meal, only gefilte fish may be used.
(32) Even on Shabbos, one can easily reach 12 different kinds of gefilte fish: Rabbi Yosi HaGlili said, How can we show that four different fishes can make twelve different dishes? Because we ate four different fishes in Egypt, (whitefish, pike, carp, and whitefish-pike,) but we are now able to buy them three different ways. We can buy them ready-to-eat in jars, frozen in loaves, or ground raw at the fish store. Now, it follows that if there were four different species, then there are 12 different gefilte fishes. Rabbi Eliezer said, How can we show that each of the twelve fishes is actually eight dishes? Because they can be made with or without salt, with or without sugar, and with or without matzo meal, and there are eight combinations of those three options. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that can be prepared eight ways, then there are a total of 96 dishes! Rabbi Akiva said, How can we show that each of the twelve fishes is actually sixteen dishes? Because each of Rabbi Eliezer's eight recipes can be made either cooked or baked. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that can be prepared sixteen ways, then there are a total of 192 dishes!
2. ONCE THE MEAL IS COMPLETE, THE FAMILY GATHERS IN THE ROOM WITH THE TREE WHERE THEY SING ZEMIROS AND DRINK EGGNOG.(33) AT MIDNIGHT THE FAMILY HEADS TO SHUL FOR TIKKUN CHATZOS. SOME OPINIONS SAY THAT TIKKUN CHATZOS CAN BE SAID AS EARLY AS 8:00 PM,(34) BUT IT IS GOOD TO BE STRINGENT ON ONESELF.
(33) Eggnog being a milchig drink, some hold that this is the real reason for eating fish instead of meat.
(34) So that the children will be awake.
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VII. SANTA CLAUS
1. FOR MANY YEARS, THE EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUS WAS A SUBJECT OF INTENSE MACHLOKES IN THE ADULT COMMUNITY. IN 1897, A TEAM OF INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS WAS COMMISSIONED BY ONE VIRGINIA O'HANLON TO RESOLVE THE QUESTION. THEIR FINDINGS, CONCLUDED "YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS."(35) THIS WAS REAFFIRMED SEVERAL DECADES LATER IN A COURT CASE BROUGHT IN NEW YORK COUNTY SUPREME COURT.(36)
(35) New York _Sun_, September 21, 1897
(36) Testimony from the United States Post Office proved to be crucial in deciding this case, as documented in _Miracle_on_34th_Street_, 1947.
2. IT IS ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN TO LIGHT ANY KIND OF FIRE IN THE FIREPLACE ON THIS EVENING.(37) THOSE WHO WANT TO ROAST CHESTNUTS ON AN OPEN FIRE SHOULD USE A BARBECUE.
(37) DUH! (But see also below, note 39)
3. TO DEMONSTRATE OUR FAITH(38) IN SANTA, EACH YEAR WE LEAVE HIM A PLATE OF DONUTS OR COOKIES ON A TABLE NEAR THE TREE, WITH A GLASS OF MILK TO DRINK. SOON AFTER THIS PRACTICE BEGAN, CHILDREN BEGAN TO QUESTION WHY THE MILK WAS STILL ON THE TABLE THE FOLLOWING MORNING, SO THEIR PARENTS ADOPTED THE MINHAG OF DRINKING THE MILK AFTER THE CHILDREN WENT TO BED. HOWEVER, JUST THREE YEARS AGO,(39) WHILE DELIVERING HIS GIFTS, SANTA ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED TO A YOUNG GIRL THAT HE SUFFERED FROM LACTOSE INTOLERANCE, AND THAT THIS IS WHY THE MILK HAD BEEN LEFT UNDRUNK ALL THOSE YEARS. THE FOLLOWING YEAR, SHE LEFT HIM A GLASS OF PAREVE SOYBEAN "MILK", AND THIS PRACTICE HAS SPREAD FAR AND WIDE SINCE THEN. (IN COMMUNITIES WHICH ACCEPT THE USE OF GOVERNMENT SUPERVISED MILK IN LIEU OF RABBINIC CHOLOV YISROEL, LACTAID MILK IS USED INSTEAD.)
(38) "I believe with complete faith that he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake." Ani Maamin #11, daily siddur.
(39) _The_Santa_Clause_, by Tim Allen, produced by Walter Disney, 1994. This film also showed Santa's new fire-resistant suit which was developed just that year. Nevertheless, the principle is that a protective measure is not abandoned even if the reason no longer exists, and so the ban on lighting fireplace fires remains in full force.
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VIII. OTHER MINHAGIM
1. ONE IS TO RISE EARLY ON THE MORNING OF THE 25TH IN ORDER TO OPEN THE PRESENTS. THERE IS A SEUDAS MITZVAH WHICH MUST BE COMPLETED BEFORE SHKIA.
2. MEAT AND WINE MUST BE SERVED AT THIS MEAL. LOTS ARE DRAWN TO CHOOSE A DESIGNATED DRIVER WHO MAY NOT HAVE ANY WINE.
3. THE MEAT MAY ONLY BE ROASTED. ONE MAY NOT EAT ANY BOILED OR BROILED MEAT AT THIS MEAL.
4. AFTER THE MEAL, MANY HAVE THE CUSTOM TO RETIRE TO THE FAMILY ROOM TO WATCH SPORTS ON T.V.
5. KIDDUSH IS NOT RECITED ON XMAS, BUT ONE SHOULD DEFINITELY HAVE SOME HOLLY.
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IX. HAVDALA
1. THERE ARE MANY OPINIONS REGARDING WHEN THE XMAS SEASON IS OVER.(40) BAIS HILLEL HOLDS THAT XMAS IS OVER WHEN THE LAST ITEM IN THE AFTER XMAS SALE HAS BEEN SOLD. BAIS SHAMMAI IS STRICT AND HOLDS THAT XMAS IS OVER IMMEDIATELY AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE FOOTBALL GAME.
(40) Many are confused by the term "twelve days of Xmas", implying that the Xmas continues until and including January 5. Today, this view is accepted only by the Eastern Orthodox, who hold that December 26 through January 5 constitute Chol Hamoed Xmas. This view is opposed by both the Modern Orthodox and the Ultra Orthodox (and even the Non Orthodox) who hold that Xmas is only one day long, and any context which seems otherwise actually refers to the Xmas *season*.
2. WALLED CITES CONTINUE XMAS UNTIL THE END OF THE WINNING TEAM'S TICKER-TAPE PARADE. A RECENT ACHARON, RABBI EDWARD, CELEBRATED XMAS IN AUGUST; FOR THIS HE BECAME KNOWN AS "CRAZY EDDIE".
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X. HAGADA FOR XMAS
This is the fruitcake of our affliction, which our ancestors baked 400 years ago.
All who are in need, come and celebrate Xmas with us.
All who are hungry, come and partake of this 400-year-old fruitcake, as it is written, "Let them eat cake!"
This year we watch football in the living room, next year may the Super Bowl come to our city!
Some have the minhag to place the gift-wrapped presents under the tree so that they will pique the curiosity of the children so that they will ask the four essential questions:
  1. How come I have presents and Santa Claus didn't come yet?
  2. Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
  3. How much is that gorilla in the window?
  4. Why did the chicken cross the road?