Puns and other wordly fun

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride.
He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird ideas that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat of armor... not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough to ward off an assassin's arrow.
He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga's in afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago... the environmental movement was restricted to a few druids here and there). The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that would have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull the toga's out to dry.
He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly they were all frozen into place.
After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his advisors. Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the sight of his workers stuck standing there.
Until of course, one of his advisors whispered to him: . . . "Beware, the tides of starch."

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet of raw grains, he ended up with very bad breath.
Therefore: he came to be known as a: "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Friars and The Florist Shop

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. Later he went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored his pleas. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that...
Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.
One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only his body had made it through when Gabe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty after world complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the law:... I can't retail spirits after 2:00 A. M..

A bowling team is missing their best bowler, Dee. Her alternate Michele only averages 120 per game. The team is doing very poorly, having lost the first game of the match, when Dee finally shows up. The assistant captain is then bombarded by requests to let to take Michele out and to let Dee bowl, when she yells out ... "Do not ask for whom Michelle bowls, she bowls for Dee!"

The Immegrant

A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one of the resettlement influxes. He had been an announcer in radio back in Laos, and he wanted to get into the same line of work here. The first thing he did was join AFTRA (American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers).
He tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had problems with the English language, being a new resident. In order to keep body and soul together while going to English classes, he took up barbering. Soon, he became a very good barber, giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves. He seemed to be an artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop where he worked made him specialize in giving shaves. Thus, he became known as ... an AFTRA shave Laotian.

A renown scientist specializing in the geology and archaeology of ancient Africa was mounting an expedition to central Africa to study the interesting rock formations upon which int had been theorized that ancient civilizations had built their homes. He was accompanied by several students, each eager to get his or her first experience in the field as well as impress their professor.
The famous professor of geology and his assistants were investigating some fascinating rock formations which were, as far as they could determine, unknown to science. These particular rocks appeared to exhibit unusual characteristics. For example, when one of the students came up to them and began to test the rock's properties, she was amazed to discover they they appeared to contain traces of organisms, a rudimentary form of bacteria--Life. Deeply imbedded in the rocks were trace remains of carbon and other elements, all suggesting that these rocks were actually alive, at least in a very, very basic way. In fact their texture was somehow softer than other rocks.
The young scientist approached the professor with her discovery and could think of nothing else to say except to query the professor with a question:
"Doctor, living stone, I presume."

"Mike, I've got a strange tale. Heard it from a Klingon last night, and I thought the folks might appreciate it.
"It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and Luke Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was going by the name of Vader, specifically the lightsaber battle they fought in the cloud city. The depiction of that fight in the Lucas film was fairly accurate, but it left out a few details.
"It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words were exchanged while the two of them were temporarily clenched with their weapons locked against each other, and apparently the director must have felt that some editing would make the dialogue a bit snappier, so some of them were snipped out.
"So here's the rest of what they said to each other.
'Luke, there is something that you do not know.'
'What's that?'
'Luke, I know, beyond doubt, what you are getting for Christmas.'
'You're wrong. You can't know that.'
'Nevertheless, it is so.'
'I don't believe you! This isn't possible!'
'Trust me, Luke, I do know what you are getting for Christmas. I know it with the same degree of certainly as I know of the inevitability of the failure of your pitiful rebellion.'
'You can't know that. The rebellion will succeed!'
'I know a great many things, Luke. Join with me, let me show you the true power of the Dark Side of the force, and together we can destroy the emperor!'
'Is that why you think you know what I'm going to get for Christmas? You think your mastery of the Dark Side can show you the future?'
'The Dark Side shows me many things, Luke, but I did not need it for this.'
'Then how do you know what I'm getting?'
'It's very simple, Luke. ... I have felt your presents.'

Two safari guides in Africa were having a drink on the veranda and watching the sun go down when they became engaged in an argument over which was the better guide. Since each simply refused to believe the other's hunting stories they were unable to resolve the dispute themselves. They decided the only way to decide was to hunt the very next day and the first of them to kill a lion would win the distinction. A bet was also made that the loser must buy the winner a pint of his favorite whisky. At dawn the next morning one hunter was off with his bearers, beaters, Land Rovers, and all of the other equipment needed for a successful hunt. All this while the other hunter was sitting on the veranda, his feet up on the railing, watching the hunters leave and drinking his morning coffee.
The hunter on safari hunted high and low all day and just before dark finally was able to surround a lion with his native hunters and beaters. As the circle became tighter and tighter the lion finally broke cover and ran into the open. The hunter drew a careful bead on the lion and just as he was about to squeeze off the killing shot, the other hunter suddenly swooped over the hunting site in an airplane, pulled out a machine gun and shot and killed the lion thus winning the bet.
The hunter on the ground was outraged. Back at the lodge he confronted the other hunter about his poor sportsmanship and his lack of honor to the spirit of the challenge. When asked to explain himself the winner said "I don't understand why you are so upset. I thought everybody knows
... the shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion."

Two bass players with the Philharmonic were bored during Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, which does not rely too much on the bass. So they decide to go out for a few drinks while waiting for their parts to come along. However, it is a bit windy in the outdoor stadium, so they decide to tie the sheet music to the stand with string so that it does not fly away while they are gone.
They have one too many and when it comes time for them to play they attempt to stagger back. So.......here's the situation.... it's the bottom of the Ninth, there are two out, the score is tied and the basses are loaded.

Several years ago, the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra had scheduled Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Zubha Mehta. At the last moment Mehta became ill and it was necessary to find a substitute. They were able to convince Professor Theodore Badder from U. C. L. A. Classical Music Department, an expert in Beethoven's Symphonies and a noted conductor in his own right, to pinch-hit. The Fourth Movement of Beethoven's Choral Symphony, as it is better known, is unusual in several ways. First it uses not only a chorus but several soloists as instruments during the famous "Ode to Joy" in the fourth movement. Second, the bass players hate playing Beethoven's 9th. There's a long segment in this movement where the bass viols don't have a thing to do... not a single note for page after page! It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the last movement that they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they have a few brews. They had quickly downed the first couple beers when one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back to our seats? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late." Another (presumably the one who suggested drinking in the first place) replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the pages of the conductor's score. Batter's has had to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with he other." So they had another round and when finally returned to their chairs a little tipsy by now one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. And if you thought things couldn't get worse, both first stand players soon passed out right in their chairs! Batter was furious and on the verge of completely losing it, as he began making gestures at the musicians while trying to finish the piece while flipping tied pages. After all, .... It was the last of the Ninth. The Badder was a pinch-hitter, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, and two men were out.

"I had an old friend that went into stage work. Seems he set up an acting company and was trying to produce an original play, but one part was really difficult to stage. It was said that he did not have the proper actors to do the tricky stuff, and since he had limited funds (no angels supporting his show), he had to put out an odd scene lone call."

Two Chinese brothers named Hing and Ming were devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom; however, each differed greatly about how such wisdom was to be obtained. Being a rural family, they were farmers. One day, their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all its feathers. The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken. Hing immedately went back to the university. Having studied otnithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer to the chicken's illness was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken's mouth for two months. Each day he prepared the tea leaves according to different recipes, coming up with dozens of courses for the sick chicken.
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves. Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success in this same venture, decided that the problem had to be quantity. Ming trusted his ancestors; after all, his family had always given him sound advice. He gathered whole carloads of leaves and brewed barrels of the tea and poured them into the chicken's mouth for two months, all the time extolling the virtues and honor of his family's ancestors and spiritual goodness.
Unfortunately, after two months of treatment, the chicken weas still sick and naked as a bowling ball. Apparently, all of Hing's courses and all of Ming's kin, couldn't made gum tea refeather a hen.

California decriminalizes Caesar salad and Libertarian Party cheers "victory"
WASHINGTON, DC -- California decriminalized the sale of Caesar salad this week -- and it's not a moment too soon, the Libertarian Party said today.
"When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar salad," noted the party's Director of Communications, Bill Winter. "That's why, on the issue of Caesar salad, we Libertarians have always been pro-legalization."
Selling Caesar salad became a crime last year when California legislators passed a new health law banning the sale of food that used raw eggs as an ingredient. Unexpectedly, the law included Caesar salad, which uses uncooked eggs in its unique dressing.
Restaurant owners and fans of the popular salad were outraged. The outcry convinced state legislators to file a new bill to cancel the criminal status of Caesar salad -- and, presumably, end what might have become a flourishing black market in contraband romaine lettuce, raw eggs, and Parmesan cheese.
The bill, signed into law by Governor Pete Wilson on Monday, has Libertarians cheering -- but a little surprised.
"We have to compliment California legislators for their rare display of good sense," acknowledged Winter. "Although we're a bit surprised that they were courageous enough to toss the Caesar salad law entirely."
Libertarians had expected politicians to take a more timid, gradual approach, said Winter, perhaps...
* Implementing a five-day waiting period for Caesar salad, so the government could do a medical background check for raw-egg allergies.
* Legalizing only "medical Caesar salad" -- whereby people with a vitamin deficiency could get a doctor's permission to buy a small amount of Caesar salad for their own personal use.
* Launching an anti-Caesar salad TV advertising blitz, perhaps with a commercial showing a frying pan, and then showing a frying pan with a raw egg in it. The voice-over could be: "This is your brain. This is your brain on Caesar salad."
* Allowing only adults, 21 and over, the right to buy Caesar salad, on the grounds that it may be an adolescent's gateway-salad to stronger stuff, like macaroni salad or three-bean salad.
But Libertarians say they are delighted with the bold, unexpected victory over the "Just Say No to Caesar Salad" lobby -- and argue that it's a win for libertarianism and the American way of life.
"We support the Constitutional right of every American to keep and bear a Caesar salad -- or, rather, to eat and buy a Caesar salad," said Winter. "All joking aside, it's a setback for those political eggheads who think they have the right to micromanage every aspect of our lives -- down to the type of salad we buy in a restaurant. Hopefully, politicians will learn ... TO JUST LETTUCE ALONE."

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.
His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.
The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.
It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of ... "dye a rhea". (By M. Giles)
"...and that reminds me of the long story about the guy who became ... the biggest lamb dyer in Texas." (By Asa Sparks)

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00 P. M. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6:00 P. M. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!
So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6:00 P. M. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6:00 P. M.," he said, "Cost is no object."
A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 P. M. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6:00 P. M. by the color change, and could consistently get to the 6:00 P. M. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.
It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips.
"It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.
Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the naval and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.
A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6:00 P. M., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.
Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... 'Alexander's Rag Timeband!'"

Don and Dan were carpenters who specialized in the installation of laths for plasterers. They were different as cheese and chalk. Don would nail as fast as he could, not too carefully, while Dan was slow and methodical, insisting on painstaking detail so the work would stand a long time. A prospective customer inspected the work of both men and questioned previous employers. He discovered that while Don worked for less wages, his work was not perfect. Dan who practiced permanency was the best. Dan was hired because the householder realized that . . .
he whose laths last, laths best.

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed. They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best!
For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!
That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

To celebrate Canada's Centennial year of 1967, Vancouver, British Columbia, built a magnificent planetarium that has played to standing room audiences since it opened. Many of its visitors are students of secondary schools, and one school decided to produce a play wherein the student players would enact the roles of heavenly bodies.
The teacher who had written the play, chose her cast and awarded the roles to those who would play the Sun and the planets in the galaxies. Shirley, devoted to astronomy, was given the part of a minor planet, but she wanted only the key part of the Dog Star, one of the sky's brightest stars.
Shirley tried everything. She importuned. She was tearful. She ranted, and when she finally began a campaign of remarks disparaging to the girl who did get the part, the exasperated teacher finally stopped all her arguments, shouting, ... "Shirley, you can't be Sirius!" (By Himie Koshevoy)

A guy goes into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor, . . .
"You're just having an auto-body experience."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

It seems that the Church was dissatisfied with their collections in the twelfth century so they did a bit of primitive sampling. Some of the target audience heard priests banging on a raucous drum, shouting about sin and threatening pits of eternal flames. Some heard balladeers singing sweet hymns of praise of the Absolute. Some heard both the drums and the balladeers. But the testing was inconclusive. The only thing everyone agreed on was that ...
the pre-minstrel sin drum was the absolute pits.

When Dan was appointed to the Superior Court it was generally believed that he would be a strict law and order judge, one willing to use the three strikes law to keep repeat offenders off the street. But it didn't work out that way, Judge D. finding any means possible to give a convicted felon the minimum prison time possible.
When the time came for re-election, the judge found himself in a heated battle with a former prosecutor. In a debate before much of the local citizenry, he was asked by his challenger , "How can you justify your unwillingness to use the three strikes law." Dan answered immediately, "I refuse to pronounce a long sentence because . . .
it is beyond my jury's diction."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused... told me I was crazy. But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said, . . .
"I stand corrected."

The Toilet tanks on commercial airlines often leak. This results in the formation of deposits of blue ice on the fuselage. The ice is composed of feces, urine and blue-liquid disinfectant. Now, occasionally, when a plane must descend very rapidly from a great height, as in the Rockies, chunks of blue ice ranging up to two hundred pounds can, and do, break off and shell the countryside. I have seen a UPI wirephoto of an apartment in Denver that was demolished by a fifty-pound chunk of blue ice. The airline bought the occupants a house. Neither was hurt, and for a while, until it began to melt, they were actually grateful for the coolness the bolus provided. It was summer, you see, and the impact had destroyed their electric fan. So even if you live where there are no strategic military targets, you can still be attacked by . . .
an icy B. M.

Bjorn Swensen opened his mailbox to find a letter from a law firm. Since the young man could not remember doing anything worthy of a lawsuit and as he was too desperately poor to be worth suing, he opened the envelope. Inside, he found notification that his Uncle Juan had died, and the will mentioned Bjorn.
The will stipulated that if Bjorn changed his name and became old Juan's namesake, he would inherit millions. The young man was stymied. He was already named after an uncle who he loved and respected.
Bjorn went to his loving girlfriend, and the two tried to decide what was the moral, ethical and sane thing to do. Together, they went to a judge to find out if a name change could be temporary, and discovered it could. The young man decided he would temporarily become "Juan."
The judge officiated the name change, and that evening the young man and his love went to dinner with her parents, whom he had never met. She introduced the young man to her mother and father, who seemed puzzled to be meeting "Juan," instead of the Bjorn they had heard so much about.
"Don't worry," his girlfriend explained quickly. . . . "He was Bjorn yesterday, and he'll be Bjorn again next week."
Her father replied, "Well, at least it was good that they made him keep the name for a week I'd hate to think that there was . . .
Juan Bjorn every minute!"

So this guy is in the supermarket, keeping a mental record of how much he'll spend when he gets to the cash register. "That's two dollars and a cat... Five dollars, fifty cents, and a cat... Nine dollars and a cat... Thirteen dollars, sixty five cents, and a cat..." A fellow shopper asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'and a cat?'" "Oh, I'm sorry," the fellow said. "I've got an add-a-puss complex."

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness, prompting a heckler to shout, "Don't worry, Freddy. ... It's just a stage you're going through!"

I spent several years as a entertainment director on cruise ships. In order to work on a ship you are required to attend frequent lectures in water safety. Considerable time was devoted to what you should do if you accidently fall overboard. It was recommended to us, not to panic, but to slowly remove all our outer clothing. However, we were warned to be certain that the blouse always is taken off last, because the air gets under the blouse ... and acts like a buoy.
It was also recommended that we should always carry a bar of soap, because then we could be certain to be ...
washed ashore.

Overheard at the White House:
"I can't believe he did it right in the Oval Office."
"You know, he doesn't consider the shape to be oval, and in addition, he did not think it was a sexual relationship. He feels that it's only an Oval Office if you do it there with a small breasted female undercover agent."
"What?"
"Don't you see? ...
Its never oval 'til the flat lady stings."

Some local Nova Scotian teenagers went to Oak Island to search for the legendary treasure of Captain Kidd. After thorough searching they came across the cave where Kidd had hidden his most prized possessions. They were afraid that if they were caught they would be arrested and the treasure confiscated. So the leader of the group hid the loot inside his grandfather's apiary.
He then notified the rest of his conspirators: ... Booty is in the beehives of the older."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

In this part of the former sovereign nation of Texas, one of the local bakeries claims to be a family-owned business. The son comes on television and radio and tells us how the company is following the precepts and principles taught by Momma B. who founded the company. A little investigation shows that in addition to her other virtues, Momma B. is always willing to experiment with new methods in bread production. One serious problem upon which she is working is the critical process of bread expansion during the baking. A traditional method is to use yeast, and the little micro-organisms joyously give up their lives in production of the carbon dioxide needed to make the bread rise. Another venerable technique is to use baking powder, an unstable mixture that in the presence of moisture and heat gives off carbon dioxide. Momma B. is working on a new technology. At the critical moment in baking, a tiny straw is repeatedly stuck into the loaf and pressure is used to blow tiny bubbles in the dough. Heat causes these bubbles to expand and the bread rises. Clearly, Momma B. is a pioneer in bread-making, and ...
she is trying an airway to leaven.

Fran and Al were honeymooning in France, visiting all the historic sites. Today's highlight was to have been the visit to the famous bell tower at the Cathedral of Saint Lorraine near Nice. They had expected that the playing of the famous bells while they were in the tower would be one of their fondest memories of the trip. They were the first in line on that cloudy morning to purchase tickets to enter the tower when there was a sudden flash of lightning which struck the tower totally destroying it. The ticket-seller, surveying the results, immediately offered to sell tickets to see the ruins at half the usual price. The newlyweds immediately accepted the offer thereby becoming the first husband and wife team to receive ... the no bell price.

At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was one small, red salmon. He was about to kill it when the salmon shouted, "Wait, I'm much too small!" "Wow!, a talking salmon," the fisherman exclaimed, "What's your name? "Rusty," replied the salmon. "Please throw me back into the sea!" The fisherman did so. About a year later, the man was fishing the same spot when he again caught Rusty! "Amazing," exclaimed the fisherman, "What have you been doing since I last caught you?" "I've been sitting on the wreck of the good ship Titanic writing poetry, it's very inspirational there." The fisherman read some of the poems and was quite impressed. "These should be published," he said. "Have you thought of a title for them?"
After some thought the fish said, "I'll call them ... "Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses."

When Leif Ericson returned from his New World voyage, he found that his name had been dropped from the registry of his hometown. He reported the omission to the chief town official who, deeming it a slight to a distinguished citizen, protested strongly to the district census taker. "I'm terribly sorry," apologized that officer in great embarrassment. ... "I must have taken Leif off my census"!

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favorite rock station but they were playing Rock-a-billy which I absolutely detest. So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects. He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other mollusks large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste. I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air. The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if
... Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."

Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!". Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over.,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts...they're complimentary."

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. ....
This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of this site of significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D., and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of a democratic government that did not square with his own notion of "rule by an all-powerful tyrant". When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. When she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with . . .
No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun on base.

The chief of a poor Native American tribe, where there were no paved roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading to it. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief's son will go down in history as the first Indian ...
to wire a head for a reservation.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

Seems that a tribal chieftain's daughter was offered as a bride to the son of a neighboring potentate in exchange for two cows and four sheep. The big swap was to be effected on the shore of the stream that separated the two tribes. Pop and his daughter showed up at the appointed time, only to discover that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, ...
"The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have .....
a hutch back of Notre Dame."

During a very cold winter's night, a shepherd sent his two sons up to the high pasture, many miles from their house, to make certain the sheep were not suffering from the cold. The two young shepherds trudged out reluctantly, and when they reached the pasture, one was so tired he would not go into the pasture to check the sheep. The other dutifully spent most of the night rounding up sheep and herding them into a corral. The next night, the father journeyed up to the high pasture to check on his sons and the sheep. He found the dutiful son trying not to fall asleep. Asking him how he felt, the son replied he was cold and tired from working all night, and his lamp had gone out. The father, proud of his loyal, hard-working son, gave him oil and a wick for his lamp. When the father checked on his other son, he found him soundly asleep. Upon waking him, he asked how he was, and the son replied that he was cold because his lamp had gone out. When he asked for a new lamp, his father replied, "You can have no lamp. ...
There is no wick for the rested."

A Hollywood stuntman who could perform any deed was hired to perform in a thrilling Western movie. The script called on the stuntman to become a kind of springboard. To help the white settlers escape the persuing Indians, the script called for the daredevil to lie on a cliff's edge and push out as far as he could, holding his body stiff so that the settlers could use the extra six feet provided to jump safely to the opposite cliff edge. The stuntman thought that this particular deed was so hazardous that he should be paid doubler time for his efforts. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't convince the producer that the stunt was worthy of extra pay. Morosely, as he went through with it and jutted from the cliff, he murmured to himself mournfully, ....
"Here I am, a ledge end on my own time."

Painful Puns
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
California smog test: Can UCLA?
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigaretttes. Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well because ....
the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for...
sixteen hardened criminals.

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However it wasn't his glowing probiscus that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominant than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ....
New Ears Day.

We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight. We sought professinal help and had a tree surgeon come and look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was based, but he was even more concerned with the deep crackes in the bark, "In fact," he said, ....
"This tree's bark is worse than its blight."

The sea dog was asked if he preferred sailing to spending time surfing on the computer. His response was ....
"My barque is worse than my byte."

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries, Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged. Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat porkburgers. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ....
Ground Hog Day.

Hi, my name is:
Art, I'm a museum curator.
Chuck, I'm a butcher.
Gene, I'm a DNA researcher.
Curt and Rod, we are in the drapery business.
Will, I'm a lawyer.
Sue. I'm also a lawyer.
Mary. I'm a justice of the peace.
Phillip, I'm a service station attendant.
Bill. I run a collection agency
Grant, I would be a loan officer.
Bill. I run a collection agency.
Mike. I'm an announcer
Toni. I'm a hair dresser.
Gail. I'm a meteorologist
John. I'm a plumber
Herb. I'm a cook.
Stu. I also cook.
Wade and I'm in swimming pool maintenance.
Rob. I'm a thief.
Woody. A Forester.
Les I'm a dietician
Harry. I'm a barber.
Iris. I'm an optomotrist
Teddy I'm in lingerie
Carol. I sing during the holidays.
Bea. I'm in the honey business..
Hugh. I'm a painter.
Jim I train boxers
Brigham I'm a chauffeur
Dean A college chancellor
Nat abd Bea. We are entomologist2
Bud. I'm in flowers.
And I'm Rose. I'm a gardener.
Clarence, I specialize in end-of-season inventory closeout sales.
Manuel, I write intruction books.
Ruby and Pearl. We're jewelers.
Marshall. I'm a peace officier.
Gil. I'm a fisherman.
Avery. I raise birds.
Cliff. I'm a mountaineer.
Sherry. I'm a wine-master.
Cary. I'm a porter.
Barry. I'm an undertaker.
Chevy and Mercedes. We are car dealers.
Abbie. I'm a Mother Superior.
Belle. I play the carillon.
Candy. I'm a confectioner.
Jack. I'm a banker.
Dick. I'm a plain-clothes policeman.
Bet. I'm a coupier.
Leo. A lion trainer.
Ham. I raise pigs
Otto. I'm a car mechanic.
Herald. I'm a messenger.
Ray. I'm a roentgenologist.
Faith. I'm a minister.
Bart. I drive a bus.
Frank, the Hot-Dog vendor
Holly, I'm a holiday decorator
Shelly, I'm an expert on mollusks
Rich, A successful investment banker.
Brooks. I'm an irrrigation consultant.
Tom. I bred cats.
Lute. I'm a musician.
Tellie. A gossip columnist
Victor, and I'm a winner in everything I do.

Their constant conflicts must somedday lead the Irish to see .... the Eire of their ways.

The Irish .... An English-piquing people.

During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break. On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act. As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?" The German replied,"It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell .... when Irish spies are filing."

Anaheim Mighty Duck superstar, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his father visit him recently to watch him play. In honor of the occasion, his good friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the renouned local Scandinavian restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne's favorite Finnish dishes. In addition to the entire Mighty Ducts team and staff, Disney and Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked up by the Duck goalie. It was a huge success. The Orange County Register reported the next day that it was certainly a dinner worthy of
.... the father, the son and the goalie host.

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwealming evidence of God's intensions, Pharoah refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.
This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Phaaroah, in the face of such overwealming evidence would refuse to release the Jews ater the first nine plagues. It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renouned psychologist and nurse, to find the definative answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious.....
The Pharoah was still in de Nile.

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black.
He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that ....
a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

A group of Lebenese guerillas were on trial in Beirut for a terrorist bombing. Jury selection was underway. The group's lawyers believed their clients were guilty. There was only one way that the terrorists could get away with anything less than a death sentence. That was to stack the jury with people who were sympathetic to their cause. In other words,
.... Life is just Hezbollah juries.

I came down with laryngitis last week, and one day while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?." I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."

As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her "Paper or plastic?" "Doesn't matter" she replied, "I'm bisackual."

An ace British aviator was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Afterwards, every time he flew over Buckingham Palace he would dip his wings in salute. The Queen was asked, "Who is that?" She replied, "That's the fly-by knight!"

A one-L lama is a Tibetan Priest.
A two-L llama is a South American beast of burden.
A three-L lllama is a helluva fire.

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged."Sorry, Madum," came the reply, "The house does not make doctor calls"

Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the flag that she had made. It was the first flag poll.

Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack the Wrapper and he made a bundle.

Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.

When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.

Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll show you a man who is forging a head.

William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales, which proves that where there's a Will, there is a weigh.

Every successful Department Store knows that elevators have their ups and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.

In Kentucky, they have equine motels to provide horses with a stabile environment.

The inventor of artificial snow originally called his product Snow Fakes.

The Janitors Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms. The Baker's Union, however, wanted more dough.

When the first calendar was produced in 1640, everyone knew its days were numbered.

An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia. "Help sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!" The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work. But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole 6 months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces. When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness. "At last", he said, ....
"I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!"

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.
One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.
The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!
Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

A controversy is raging this morning in the French Academy of Science between factions of zoologists and paleontologists, The argument centers on the identification of a fossil skull found by student naturalists doing field work near the northern French village of D'Eau-Remy. The more conservative scientists hold the majority position that the skull is from an extinct species of Ape similar to the Barbary ape of Gibraltar, which is the last living primate still found in Europe. Spokesman for this opinion, Dr. Luke Monand of the University of Lyons, stated that many types of primate roamed what is now Italy and Spain about five million years age, and it has long been theorized that some may have even traveled as far as the Franco-German border. The leeser-held but more spectacular view stated by Auguste Delacorde of the Natural History Museum of Paris declares that the skull is from neither ape nor man and accepts the find as positive proof of the existence of the legendary monster known to the ancient Frankish tribes as "Tit-dos" (pronounced tee-doe), in many ways similar to the North American Sasquatch and the Tibettan Yeti. The task of identifying the fossel has been given to Dr. Hardy Froliche of the Museum of Life (Musee de la Vie) in Geneva and Isabel Deschamps of the French Academy, both noted paleontologists. The European scientific community is now waiting the answer to one of the most unusual problems ever encountered. Did the skull belong to a well-traveled ape or is the ....
D'Eau-Remi fossil a Tit-dos?

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'NIL'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, .... "Is Nothing Sacred?

Jim owned a blue-green colored Volvo. It was a '72 however, making it quite old and even Volvos don't last forever. When he was driving home one afternoon and the engine fell through the engine mounts, his wife brought up the subject of buying a new car. "Well, I've grown partial to this car, dear" said Jim. "But honey, this car is falling apart!" his wife exclaimed. The argument went on for a while and the husband finally agreed that he would buy a new car, but only another Volvo and only the same blue-green color. It had to be the *exact* same shade of blue or he wasn't interested. And so his quest began. "Nope. Are you sure they're made in that color?" asked all the Volvo dealers in New York. He went to Connecticut and received the same line. He went to Rhode Isalnd, only to hear "Nope - had one last week. Couldn't sell it so we gave it to a junk dealer." Jim ran to the junk dealer just in time to see the car of his dreams crushed. He travelled through Vermont. "Nope. Can't get one here." He tried New Hampshire. "I don't think they make them." He went into Maine. "I don't have one, but Charlie might. He's the Volvo dealer up in Caribou." Anyone ever told you about Caribou, Maine? It is freezing up there and is in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, at this point, an enormous storm system began to move into the area and Jim was trapped at the dealership during the blizzard. Two days later, when the dealer arrived to open up shop, he found Jim standing by the door. Then the dealer opened the door, Jim saw it. Right in the middle of the showroom floor was his blue-ish colored Volvo. Perfect! Jim told the dealer of his quest, paid him the sticker price and was about to leave when the dealer asked "Why did you spend so much time searching for this color Volvo? Why did it have to be this turquoise color?" Jim smiled and said, as he drove off... "Well, there's something about an aqua Volvo, man"

Noren Eron, the great Norse comic decided to bring his act to America. He booked several shows in the northern states and did well. He then took his act down south, but he realized that the farther south he went, the less the crowd appreciated his act which had the poor guy miffed. When he got to the Deep South, no one got his act at all. After many disappointing sets, he just quit one night and returned to Norway. This goes to show you,
... You should never book a miffed Norse in the south.

This was the day that could be the most important day in my career. I had rented three adjoining rooms at the Four Seasons Hotel, where we hoped to work out an agreement that would result in a merger of our firms. I expected some heavy social drinking during our meetings and went to the liquor cabinet to ensure that it was properly stocked. To my horror and chagrin, I found the cabinet filled with bottles of Angastora and little else. I called the manager and demanded that the bottles be removed and the liquor cabinet be better stocked. He refused stating, "You have to take the bitters with the suite."

Just imagine if the following people got married...
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up until all the people in Quakertown were talking about those pie-rates of Penn's aunts.

The young poet was devoted, so totally devoted to his work -- that he would rise in the morning, and immediately begin penning new couplets and rhymes. So devoted, mind you, that he did nothing else. In fact, it was said that he only went from bed to verse.

In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks homes and offered trips to the homeland, Ireland. After securing their down payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would split. When the scam was discovered, the story ran in the local papers under the headline: "Tour Allure: A lie"

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies. One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint. As a result of this disaster, both crews were marooned.

George loved tea. He'd always come over for several cups. He had an insatiable thirst. He became such a nuisance that we decided to fix him. To cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to drown him with the stuff. One day we forced him to drink ten posts of tea. As he staggered off, we laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten pots in a tea pest.

Two old tomcats were bragging about their brave exploits. "Nice looking scars you've got their on your neck!" said one. "Thanks," said the other, "I made them from scratch."

A railroad porter decided to get married in a large room on the second floor of the the terminal. So many friends and kinfolk showed up, that their combined weight caused the building to collapse injuring the bride groom and many of the guests. The moral of the story: Never marry above your station

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

It was a warn Southern California evening when the jury reached a verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting the jury's verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors that the decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the family's evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito answered, requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the judge should return to the court house as soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the bailiff's request because, she insisted, "HIS HONOR WAS AT STEAK."

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it? "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, ""tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. "'TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER."

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

A man was hiking across the hottest and driest part of Australia. He encountered a billboard that read "Town of Mercy. Best tea in the world. 20 miles." He continued walking and after a while again, saw an ad for "Best tea in the world. 10 miles. Town of Mercy." As he neared that town, he continued to encounter these signs, more frequently, advertising "The best tea in the world. Town of Mercy." Eventually he came to the little village and saw the only dining establishment there. He went in and ordered. "I'd like a cup of this 'Best tea in the world' I've seen advertised."
The proprietor brewed a cup of tea, poured it, and then went over to the corner of the restaurant. That's when the man noticed a koala bear sitting in the corner. The propietor dipped the koala's tail into the tea. Although the man thought that was a little gross, he was quite thirsty, and drank down the tea. Sure enough, that was, with a doubt, the best cup of tea he'd ever had. So, he ordered a second cup. The same thing happened: the tea was brewed, poured, and the koala's tail dipped into it. This time, however, the man noticed several hairs floating on the surface of the tea. "You know," he said, "this may be the best tea in the world, but it's a little disgusting to have koala hair floating in my tea! Can't you filter or strain or somehow take care of that??"
The propietor responded, "I'm sorry sir. The koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment. However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through. When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since effectively no time passed for him. Defense stated that the effect was basically the same, since he lost seven years of living in society, or something to that effect. Both sides called each other names (as lawyers are wont to do). Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to peer pressure; others said that he simply couldn't resist the temptation. For his decision, in full, was: "A NICHE IN TIME SAVES STEIN."
(By Isaac Asimov)

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sappling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Dateline: Paris, France
A miraculous theft occurred yesterday when a thief slipped in and out of the Louvre yesterday with a number of priceless art treasures. After eluding all of the intricate security meaures, the thief was captured just a few blocks from the museum when his Ford Econoline van ran out of gas. Investigators were baffled that a man who could elude such state of the art protection devices, could be foiled by such a minor oversight. When questioned about his gaffe, the burglar replied...
... "I didn't have the Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh."

...I think the meaning of certain phrases isn't really appreciated. For example, there used to be an American Indian who had a pet grizzly. This Indian was very long winded, so most people didn't hang around when he started talking. His answer to getting people to hang on to his every word was to say, "Bear with me.".
...also, Sonny Bono lost an arm during his ordeal in ski country. This was anounced on the radio recently, but some people misunderstood the radio DJ, and thought he said France had another emperor. What the Dj actually said was, "Another Bono part has been found.".

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephants tail really hard.
Years and years later the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river having a drink with his giraffe buddy when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" The giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason." The elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" Exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" Said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall".

When you're on your way to the bathroom,	you're Russian.
When you leave the bathroom,	you're Finnish.
But while you're in the bathroom...	European.

There was once two French Legionnaires in the desert; they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?" The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water." The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."
The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"
"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
"Well, there's a gallon of green paint and a brush out back, and a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile. "Did you do a good job?" she asked.
"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you," he said, "That's not a Porsche back there -- it's a Mercedes!"

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".

So this Oriental guy goes to the eye-doctor for an examination.
The doctor takes a look and says "You have cataracts, don't you?"
The guy replies, "No, a Rinken Continental!"

Rare Dog Crossbreeds

For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lesser known breeds that are being bred,

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter,
a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye,
a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs,
a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso,
an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer,
a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever,
the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound,
a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull,
a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador,
a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point,
a dog that....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute,
a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere,
a dog that's true to the end

A guy goes to the doctor with a problem. It seems that every time he farted, it sounded like "H - o - n - d - a- a- a!" The doctor examined him and found nothing wrong so he sent the patient home. The next day, the doctor thought "Honda. That's a Japanese car. Maybe this is a Japanese disease."
He put in a long distance call to Tokyo and talked to a Japanese doctor who immediately asked him if he had checked the patient's teeth. The American doctor hadn't so he thanked the Japanese doctor and ended the call. Then he called his patient and asked him to come in. Sure enough, he found an abscessed tooth. He sent the patient to a dentist who cured the tooth and, at the same time, cured the farting problem. The American doctor called the Japanese doctor again and asked him how he was able to diagnose the problem so quickly.
"Simple," said the Japanese doctor "abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

Advice for Idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees."
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Idiots Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Idiots In Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

Let's face it-English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
"Great!" replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals. The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered.
The only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit. Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his pig, the farmer lined up four animal suspects, a cow, a horse, a young goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the murder.
The rabbit hopped forward three feet, and when he stopped in front of the goat, the farmer shook his head and said, . . . "The hare's looking at you, kid."

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as on an overpass.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.
Coiterie: a very VERY close-knit group.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Guillozine: a magazine for executioners.
Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer, ya know?
Glibido: all talk and no action.
Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.
Eunouch: the pain of castration.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Hozone: an area where women of the night hang out.
Acme: a generic skin disease.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Newtspaper: the Washington Times.
Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool.

How To Rite Good

Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Tough questions, tougher issues...

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dising them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two aeroplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro", what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books worth of entries.
Some recent winners:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE BEST OF ALL:
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers.

Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Tom Swifties

"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, dolefully.

"That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.

"I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself.

"That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said, revolted.

"I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.

"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.

"That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said, straightforwardly.

"I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.

"I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.

"I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.

"Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with condescension.

"I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.

"That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked.

"I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely.

"I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.

"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.

"That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.
Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'
"Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

The Top 10 Other Retractions

Printed by the NY Times in 1998
10 "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser.� He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler.�The Times regrets the error."
9 "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country.� We meant in THEIR country."
8 "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post.�Sorry."
7 "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt.� Get off our backs already!"
6 "Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom.� He was not, as reported�in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken."
5 "It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur 'Genius Grant.'"
4 "Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion."
3 "Our article describing O.J. Simpson as 'slashing out' over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo..."
2 "As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store."
1 "Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday."

While a student at Drexel U. 50+ years ago, I served as features writer for the LEXERD, the weekly campus gossip sheet. Our editor, an English professor, asked me to cover a story about Gary Peters, star quarterback of The Dragons, Drexel's football team. Poor guy took a tumble and couldn't play with a cast on his leg. I interviewed Gary, and wrote a humorous story. The headline for it read: "DRAGONS TO PLAY FRANKLIN & MARSHAL WITHOUT PETERS."
The editor phoned and said, "So Stan, thought you'd sneak that raunchy headline by me, didn't ya? Ha!" With that he seriously blue lined it. The story appeared the next day, headlined, "DRAGONS TO PLAY FRANKLIN & MARSHAL WITH PETERS OUT."

At the end of the Missourian Momarchy, when its Women's Lib origins were forgotten and it had fallen under the absolute dictatorship of Supermom, Ferdinand Feghoot faced one of his most dangerous decisions. Supermom (actually Hattie Lou Schultz) had been fertile, producing eighteen healthy babies, most of whom Feghoot had sired. However, none had been girls, and her power was imperilled, for her younger sister, Buzzie Bee, had had female children, and if Supermom failed in what the midwives agreed had to be her last effort, she would depose her immediately.
Finally, with due ceremony, Hattie Lou gave birth to one more hearty infant. Only the midwives (sworn to secrecy) and its father were allowed to behold it until its sex was announced and it had been appropriately garbed. There stood Feghoot, wearing a large medal saying Pop. There was Supermom, with her guards, and her ambitious sister with hers; and he remembered vividly the punishments promised him by his consort, for the child, gurgling in its carefully screened crib, was only too obviously male.
Feghoot thought for only a moment. Then he smiled. "It is my opinion," he announced, "that the good of the state and my personal well-being will be best served... if I just skirt the issue."

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though.
Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory	Dirty Room
Evangelist	Evil's Agent
Desperation	A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code	Here Come Dots
Slot Machines	Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity	Is No Amity
Mother-in-law	Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms	Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness	Genuine Class
Semolina	Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries	Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point	I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes	That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two	Twelve plus one
Contradiction	Accord not in it
[From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.	In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong	A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

A Queensland Radio Station, QFM, were running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense; the prize being a return trip for two to Bali for a week. The DJ, Sam, had many callers, the following two standing out:
DJ : QFM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi me name's Dave.
DJ: Dave , what is your word?
Caller: "Gaan" spelt G, A, A, N.
DJ: We are just checking that (pause)... and you are correct Dave, Gaan is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Gaan fuck yourself! Ha Ha Ha
At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.
After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:
DJ: QFM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi me name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff , what is your word?
Caller: "Smee" spelt S, M, E, E.
DJ: We are just checking that (pause)... and you are correct Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Smee again! Gaan Fuck yourself Ha Ha Ha!

A man who despised his city's Building Department decided to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house.
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.
"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. ... That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."

A vandal named William, looking for kicks, drilled holes in a large sign. When he was nabbed, the headline read: Bored Bill Bored Billboard!

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from his name plate that the teller's name is Paddy Whack. So he says, "Mr Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday."
Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says 30,000 dollars. The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager.
Paddy explains that 30,000 dollars is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says "Sure. I have this" and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. He finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral"
He holds up the tiny pink elephant "I mean, what the f%_# is this?"
The bank manager replies: "It's a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good.
"He's dead. Good."

Many people are unaware that Frank Sinatra was an ecologist. He found out that the herds of animals in Africa were being forced off their native lands into game reserves where they were more apt to be eaten by their natural enemies due to the crowded conditions. These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of water, but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes. This resulted in abnormal losses in the herds. Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a LOT of money to trying to find out where there may be some open land to put the animals so they wouldn't be so crowded. Frank's idea was to go to the watering holes and load the animals on large barges and take them to other lands and then set them free. In order to accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a best-selling song about it. We've all heard the song before. It starts out "Start spreading the Gnus..." The title of the song was, of course, . . . "New Ark, New Ark."

A high ranking official from the Clinton Administration was invited to speak at a banquet tendered by the Don Q Rum Corp. in Puerto Rico. The man delivered his speech nobly, but for one fatal flaw. He persisted in referring to his hosts as the "makers of that wonderful Bacardi rum."
Every time he mentioned the competing name "Bacardi", an official from Don Q would jump up and correct him saying, "Don Q, senor, Don Q !" The smiling Clinton aide would answer, ... "You're welcome."

Old Pete Viper was a good ol' boy. And how he loved that country music! When he heard fiddles wailing, he couldn't hardly keep from tappin' his shoes, hummin' and slappin' his thigh. And if'n the ladies were around, he just plain had to ask one of 'em to dance. If there weren't no female women around, a broom would do. Trouble was, when Pete had a snort too many, his enthusiasm clean ran away with him. When them fiddles wailed, he wanted to be in the middle of a whole room of high-steppers. An' he wanted all of 'em to be as sauced up as he was! After all, ain't all the Lord's children got rhythm? That's what he was thinkin.' leastways when he was experiencing his semi-weekly thought. An' his semi-weekly thoughts definitly warn't on popalation control. Pete couldn't spell popalation no ways, though he prob'ly knew one when he saw it.
Well, ol' Pete had imbibed his usual few too many, and was walking 'crost the parkin' lot of Auntie Belinda's Bootie Basher Club, when the sweet tones of cat gut an' horsehair came a-waftin' from the side door, wrapped in a not inconsidable amount of cigarette smoke an' crowd chitter-chatter. Had it been Friday night, this tale might not of been told. But was it Friday? Nope, 'twas just of a Thursday! In other words, 'twarn't payday yet an' ol' Pete had to keep a sharp grip on the buckskin fringe of his weather-beaten libido. Friday night "raslin' was one thing, but durin' the week, the town Sheriff and head biddy in these parts, Miss Manners, was a mite less tolerant of them what celebrated in an overly "fragrant" manner.
Well, Petey V. was weavin' down a row packed jus' solid with Ford 150's of ever' style, color and random indentation. As he got closer to Auntie Belinda's, the music got more intense, an' our ol' boy's pulse rate got to thumpin' faster than a rabbit's foot in a' earthquake. Thinkin' or not thinkin' Pete was ticked. He didn't have the six bits' price of admission to Auntie Belinda's. That's when he done it! Leaned right into Fowler McCutcheon's yella 1959 Ford pickup an' saw the screwdriver jammed in the hole where the key used'ta go. Howsomever, carried forward on the wings of that sweet, frenzied, purply-passionate music, ol' Viper hopped in, cranked the Stanley screwdriver custom ignition, popped the clutch, an' swerved around to face the front of Auntie B's Bootie emporium. You an' me, we'd of paid mind to the squeal. Petey, he already paid out all the mind he had and wuz bankrupt. He jus' thought it wuz Fowler's tires. Trouble wuz, them tires wuz past bein' bald as a baby's beehind. They wuz real patriotic tires, showin' some of that native Texas cotton. Fowler didn't run no steel belted radicals. Hell, they woulda cost more than the truck and his shack! Nope, them tires wuz as silent as a mouse fart under a quilt.
But that wuz more than you could'a said for the Thompson triplets an'their lady-gals, who wuz reposin' in the back of the truck in a downright serpentine sorta manner. Heavy breathin,' snorts, giggles, an' a not un-rhythmical an' metallic back beat from a unknown source, all stopped jus' dead as a doornail. To be replaced by squeals! Shreaks! I'm tellin' ya, it wuz flat out tichous! That's as opposed to syrup-tishious, of course, which the Thompson triplets an' their lady-gals no longer wuz, no matter what the day of the week. Them Thompson triplets wuz plumb danced out. 'Course, that don't rule out no otherwise strong feelin's for them female gals, but strong warn't 'zactly what the Thompsons wuz feelin about then. Prob'ly more like horny, scared an' nauseated, what from drinkin' some of the local lightnin' from Mason jars, $1.00 a quart from the truck parked behind the VFW and "Thank you for supportin' local bidness."
Petey, he weren't exactly mediatating' on all of this. Nope, Mrs. Viper's boy was all action. His drivin' leg tensed, that ol' flathead six quivered and roared, an' McCutcheon's truck flat peeled cotton 'crost the lot. 'Course, exceptin' Pete's unwilling passengers, everyone thought the squeal wuz ve-hicular in nature. Them fuzzy rear tires hummed like hypertensive prairie dogs, but no one knew. Fletcher's truck shot forward bearing its cargo of frustrated Thompsons an' tipsy terpsichoreans, Petey bein' frontmost thereof, all a-headin' for the doorway, not a six bits to be found on any of 'em or even all of 'em together. First, a terrible crash, and then silence. You coulda' heard a earthworm cough, had any been in attendance. I don't believe none wuz, however. An' that's the day when... Peter Viper wrecked a truck of pickled steppers.

Theorem: A horse has an infinite number of legs.
Proof: A horse has obviously an even number of legs. It has two legs in the rear and fore-legs in the front. This makes six legs. This is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. Since the only numbe which is even and odd at the same time is infinite, a horse must have an infinite number of legs.

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose----how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully.
The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock."