A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time at an even slower rate. Same result.
"Some idiot must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets - each for not wearing his seat belt.
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer requested.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by.
The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know.
Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate."
They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "Your Passionate." The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live.
She replied "I keep trying to tell you: 'You're Passin It!'"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
One sunny day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came flying by and hit a bump in the road. As the truck sped away a crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see what was in the crate.
The man open the crate and was stunned to see a pig. The man didn't know what to do so he asked a police officer for some advise. The officer suggested that the man take the pig to the local zoo.
A few days later while the police officer was directing traffic, he noticed this same man driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the man so he could find out if everything when well with his advice.
The officer walked up to the car and was stunned to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing a baseball cap. In between them sat a six pack of soda and some popcorn. "Good afternoon officer!" the man said. The pig looked over and gave a couple polite snorts.
The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I told you to bring that pig to the zoo!" The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun today we're going to the ballgame!!"
A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please."
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
An officer stopped a car that was going rather slow on the highway. Thinking the driver was probably drunk, he intercepted the car and saw to his astonishment some nuns inside.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit..., that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling."
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!!!!!"
Everyone Needs a Hand Sometime
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving!"
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer. What's the hold up?"
Policeman: "O.J. just found out the verdict. He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says,"Oh really? How much have you got so far."
Policeman: "So far... ten gallons"
So this man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles per hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
IMPORTANT BREAKING SESAME STREET NEWS!
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead; including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend, room- mate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City Police. Kermit-The-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five story tenament building where the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information available concerning Maria.
NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by Police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prarie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy Bert.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o'clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large, styrofome letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very high.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting and alphabet songs.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet--still animated with life--can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying and yelling, :"Ten, Ten Lifeless Muppet Bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-burns.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address:
I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions thoughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can hang as many paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country." I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but it wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed.
Highway Nightmare
Along the North-South highway in Malaysia, there are various spots marked with sign alerting drivers of cross-wind. The dual-carriageway is one of the world's most advance expressway and hence, when designing it, one would assume that the planners would not have built it with cross-wind sections. The expressway is open for 24 hours and thousands of vehicles use it everyday.
However, there are hardly anyone who have seen the wind indicator marking the presence of such claimed cross-wind. I found out later that these sections are actually black-spots for 'mystery accidents'. As all these sections are not winding nor slippery, the authorities could not find any explanation of those accidents. A study revealed that those areas are either cemetery site of the local tribe before the highway was built, or they were the so-called "dark" area by the local tribes.
Therefore, those cross-wind warnings were put up just to warn drivers so that they be more alert and careful as they were driving along those stretches, especially at night since the highway is not lighted.
None of the accidents are, however worth mentioning here. No one has ever reported seeing a ghost or spirit driving them away from their senses or any sort of unexplained phenomena happening there.
Nevertheless, there is an incident that happened on the highway that has caught the attention of a lot of people. This incident does not happened along any of those cross-wind sections but, instead, near the tunnel on the northern section of the highway.
Before approaching the tunnel, drivers will go through highly areas with the hill on one side and a sharp cliff on the other. The sharp bends caused the authorities to put the speed limit down to 80kmph (110kmph for most of the highway).
This story went public the first time when someone called in to the radio during a ghost story programme. What makes this story even more interesting is the several calls later from witnesses and relatives to verify that the story is true.
The incident happened on a Malay couple with a small baby. They were driving along the expressway on a late night. It must have been past 2am then and there aren't many private cars at those hours. As they got near the tunnel, their car broke down. Perhaps it is the hilly road, which put a lot of stress on the car, that caused the car to broke down more than anything else. The man stop the car along the emergency lane and got off the car to see if there was anything he could do. His wife was sitting at the back of the car with their baby then. He got off the car, opened up the engine and apparently was doing something there. The wife just waited in the car with their baby since she is the type of people who has the slightest idea about cars. As the engine cover was turned up, the lady could not see what her husband was doing in front. Then, there was no noise at all.
She started to get worried. Perhaps more worried about not being able to get out of there than if there would be anything went wrong with her husband. Then the baby started crying. She carried her up and tried to calm her down. However, the baby kept crying and crying.
Afterwards, she noticed two police cars drove by. They slowed down as they past her. As she thought they would stop, the police cars suddenly speed off. Then she heard a shrieking break of the police cars ahead. Apparently, the police stopped their cars under the lights of the tunnel about 100 metres ahead. Then, she started hearing the policemen shouting at her.
They shouted at her and asked her to get out of the car and run towards them. She got panic upon hearing that. Then, worry about her baby's and her own safety, she grabbed her baby, got out of the car and started running as fast as she could towards the policemen. As she was running, they kept shouting at her to hurry and asked her not to look back. As she almost got to where the policemen were, she suddenly thought of her husband. She turn her head back to take a look while continue running. To her horror, she saw three 'pontianak' (see notes) with lots of blood on their mouth. She saw one of them holding her husband's head and licking off the dripping blood while two others were busy sucking the blood from the man's body.
Two policemen, fearing that she may stop running upon seeing that, rushed to her and dragged her into one of the police car. They shot off as fast as they could after that. Seven policemen witnessed this incident. When the police got there, the man was lying there headless and 'bloodless'. The police, after interviewing the widow and the seven policemen who witnessed the incident, decided to close the case. In the radio programme, someone called up later to say that he was one of the policemen there at that time while another called up claiming to be the victim's uncle. He said he refused to believe the story and had applied for the case to be reopened for investigation. He believes it was a murder case. Another caller said his sister, the widow, was distressed after the incident and he appealed to all listeners to believe that the story is true and be more careful on the highway.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Notes on Pontianak': Otherwise known as 'hantu kuntilanak among the Indonesians'. There are many stories of the Malay vampire, commonly known to the locals in Malaysia as pontianak. They have long hair and are usually thought of as females. They kill their victims and then suck their blood. There are, however, different opinions on the origines of this pontianak. The most common belief is that the pontianak is usually the ghost of a woman who died during childbirth, and she returns as a vengeful spirit who hates to see other women have what she couldn't. So these spirits would seduce men by appearing to them as a beautiful woman, and once they've lured the unsuspecting males, will proceed to suck the life out of them. They are also known to turn up at a childbirth and 'steal' the newborn baby away. They do steal young women's life too as it is believed that the latter's blood will keep them going. An Indonesion friend of mine told me that hantu kuntilanak are actually victims of road accidents who had lost a lot of blood in those accidents. Therefore, they transform themselves into bloodsucking ghosts. Perhaps the only reason they are called vampire is because they suck blood. Otherwise, pontianak do not have characteristic of the Western version of vampire. They have more characteristics possessed by ghosts but are much more violent. Hence, in my opinion, the term `vampire' may not be such a suitable term tocall them but `pontianak' should be a more ppropriate term.
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was.
The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe," he mumbled.
"Where're you from, Joe?"
Joe responds painfully... "The balcony."
Police in Britain using a new radar gun noted a reading of more than 300 mph, just before their equipment fried. Seconds later a low-flying Harrier jet hurtled past. The police complained to the Royal Air Force about the damage to their equipment, but the police were told to consider themselves lucky.
The Harrier's threat warning system had interpreted the radar as a narrow beam SAM (Surface to Air Missile) guidance radar and was demanding a counter strike with the anti-radiation missiles the Harrier was carrying. Fortunately for the police, the pilot didn't launch, gambling that the chance of the IRA having smuggled a radar guided missile system into Britain was low, but just in case he had relied on "passive" ECM (Electronic Counter Measures) to try to jam the "targeting" radar, and the ECM promptly burnt out the already overloaded radar gun.
After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"
A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," answered the policeman.
"Well," wondered the child, "why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." on a deposit slip.
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
" These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red or green. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: "Please, officcccer, could you tell us if the moon is red or green?"
The cop looks up and asks back: "The left or the right one?"