The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. The husband went to his doctor(who treated mules) and told him that he and his wife didn't want any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix that problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards."
"Just last week I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I justrealized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
ALBUQUERQUE, NM -- In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veteran's Memorial Hospital removed a living eight-pound man from the confines of an area woman's vagina Monday.
The unusually small man, who has refused to identify himself or give a reason for his presence in the vagina, was extremely disoriented throughout the incident, and, according to eyewitnesses, was "nude and covered in blood and gore." Though the man strenuously resisted rescue attempts, screaming and kicking wildly at medical personnel, he has not yet been charged with any crime.
The woman, Ruth Hessman, a 33-year-old systems analyst from nearby Plovis, was admitted to Veteran's Memorial Hospital late Sunday night complaining of strange, repeated abdominal pains and contractions occurring at regular intervals. When the painful episodes were five minutes apart, her husband drove her to the hospital.
"We get all kinds of strange things here in the emergency unit," said Dr. Carlos Mendoza, a surgeon at Veteran's General, "but this was something new. At first glance, Mrs. Hessman appeared to be obese, but upon closer examination, it became apparent that she was actually suffering from severe abdominal distension. After she described her painful symptoms, we conducted an examination of her vagina. Imagine our shock and surprise when we discovered that there, looking back at us, was a tiny human head."
After overcoming their initial shock, doctors discovered that the grotesque miniature head belonged to a small man. The attending physicians performed emergency surgery to forcibly remove him, and notified local police.
"At this time, we have no idea how this man came to be situated within the woman's vagina, or what motivation he might have had for being there," said Albuquerque police chief Burke Manning. "His dazed state, public defecating and lack of clothing suggest that he is a mentally ill homeless man who was seeking shelter. Yet it's hard to believe that someone so feeble and mentally disturbed would be capable of such an intrusion. We have not ruled out the possibility that he had help."
Manning is advising Albuquerque residents to stay calm. "This is likely an isolated event," he said. "But we are nevertheless considering conducting a search of all area vaginas to see if any more small, naked men are on the prowl."
The eight-pound man has thus far refused to cooperate with police, responding to all questions with strange gurgling noises. He is also prone to sudden, violent mood swings, resting peacefully one moment and wailing uncontrollably the next. Adding to the difficulty of establishing the man's identity is his almost complete lack of fingerprints and teeth, making a match with federal records impossible.
"This man seems to have undergone some sort of massive trauma within the last 24 hours which has, in effect, wiped his memory clean and turned his mind into a blank slate," Mendoza said. "To be honest, this case couldn't be any weirder if a stork had dropped him out of the sky."
Copyright 1998 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople.
So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."
An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:
"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"
The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up.
"Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor.
"Nope," she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated."
A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, dimes come out!" The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, quarters come out!! What's wrong with me?" Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, half-dollars come out! What the heck is wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Relax, Relax, ... you're just going through your change!"
Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the three advantages of breast milk." Quickly he wrote:
Then Leonard was stumped.
- It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.
- As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system.
Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:
- It comes in such nice containers.
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
In a fancy restaurant in Washington DC, a Yuppie started to choke on a bone. A woman rushed over, identified herself as a doctor and reassured the man that he was going to be alright.
She performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out.
As the man's breath & voice returned he said, "I'm ever so grateful doctor, how can I ever repay you ?"
The doctor smiled and said, "I'll settle for one-tenth of what you were willing to pay while you were choking."
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping your ass with cement bags."
Emergency Department Ping Pong
OK, Sports fans...it's Saturday night, 3 am and time for inter-service hospital ping pong. Staff Internal Medicine has won the tossup and has elected to receive. The other services are in position and here comes the first patient!!
Chief Complaint: "feel bad"
History: Mr. Amos Leeks, 59 Y/0, 385 pound alcoholic, diabetic, hypertensive male with history of three old myocardial infarcts, angina, congestive heart failure, COPD, chronic renal insufficiency, gout, hypothyroidism and "nerves".
The Medicine service jumps into position. Dr. Shafer Goodloe, medical raconteur, man-about-town and big time babe magnet gets the nod from the referee. Shafer enters the room with a spotless white coat, stiff bow tie and gleaming implements of destruction hanging from every pocket.
The clock starts....Dr. Goodloe jauntily saunters into the room and sidles up to the patient with a big cheesy smile....
"Hi there Mr. Leeks...ever been in the Army?"
"Yeah, but they threw me out for flat feet."
"Well....in the interest of continuity of care, we feel that you should return to a Veterans Administration Hospital. The doctors there are familiar with these problems and they can follow you in perpetuity"
"Naaaa...I don't like that place. The nurses are ugly and they let a bunch of smart ass kids in white coats practice on me when they thought I wasn't looking....I want to stay right here and have you take care of me."
FOUL! Serve again....
Shafer assumes his most intense young doctor countenance.....
"Hi there Mr. Leeks....... got any pain right here (does hand stand on Amos's right upper quadrant).
"Hello, Surgery...we got a guy down here with excruciating right upper quadrant pain, mild jaundice and a history of fatty food intolerance". He needs to be on the surgery service.
"What else is wrong with him?"
"Oh, just a few minor medical ailments."
"How much does he weigh?"
Oh, maybe three hundred and.." (click)
Shafer's face darkens..........
"Say...Mr. Leeks....ever taken any Valium?"
"Yeah....someone gave me some once."
PINGGGG! Psychiatry consult...
"Hello, psychiatry...we got a guy down here who looks pretty depressed. May be suicidal. Has a history of Valium abuse. He needs to be on the Psych service."
"OK, just have him sign a consent for electro-convulsive therapy and send him around in the morning. We'll buzz him till he sees God."
"What about his work up?"
"What about it?" (click)
Shafer begins to sweat and his bow tie droops....the other services nervously shift from foot to foot....
"Say...Mr. Leeks.....got any pain here?" (pops Lumbar 5 with ball peen hammer).
PINGGGG! Orthopedics consult.
"Hello, Orthopods...we got a guy down here with exquisite low back pain radiating to both legs, he needs to be admitted to Ortho."
"What day is today?"
"Sorry, back pain only on Tuesdays and alternate Thursdays. Make him a clinic appointment for three weeks." (click)
Metaphorically speaking, Shafer takes the gloves off...No more Mr. nice-guy....
"Hi there Mr. Leeks.......have any pain in your head?" (Shines quartz-halogen light in left pupil dilated with homatropine)
PINGGGG! Neurosurgery consult.
"Hello, Neurosurg....got a guy down here with an exquisite headache accompanied by flashing lights and not relieved by anything. He needs to be admitted to you."
"Hey....no problem...get him a CAT scan with and without contrast, lumbar puncture, angiogram, EEG, put him on your service and we'll consult on him in the morning" (click).
Medical team calls time out, stops the clock and pulls into a huddle. As they whisper and murmur..a Senior Medical Student pops up to see if the patient is still there...he is. After a moment they break and return to the game with broad grins.
"Hello...OB-GYN....we got a woman down here with an imperforate hymen, adreno-genital syndrome and bilateral femoro-labial hernias...."
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
One day soon after the birth of their new baby the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa got to stay home and watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he thought he could do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally dad got worried and decided to take the infant to the doctor. They see the doc and he starts his exam after hearing that the father did all he could do. He looks in the baby's ears etc. and goes to the diaper area. The doc undoes the diaper and finds that the diaper is indeed full. "Here's the problem" doc says. "He needs a change." The father looks perplexed and states "but the package says it is good up to 8 to 10 lbs!"
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunatly, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpeter's level, assures himelf that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 2:37 PM, provided today is May the twenty-second, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front-a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00."
The patient could not help but ask; "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "Well, the female brain is used."
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated..."
The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."
Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.
The vet says, "What happened?"
Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew first."
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news", the doctor told his anxious patient, "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"OK", the doctor said, "Let's make it NINE months."
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife... "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "ol Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up each nostril walks into the doctor's office.
The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him.
"Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately."
"Well, I can see you are not eating right."
"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"
"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,
"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, John went swimming and got into difficulties. David jumped in and saved him. The medical director came to know of this heroic act.
Doctor: "We have good news for you and also bad news for you David. The good news is we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses since you are able to jump and save another patient. The bad news is the patient whom you had saved was found hanging in the toilet."
David: "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I'm sure of that because I hang him there to dry."
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says,"Honey, what's for dinner?" he doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having CHICKEN!"
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
When doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital:
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up".
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter".
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.
The new wing didn't fly!
Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.
Psychiatrist: What is your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come see my collection. I've got hundreds of 'em.
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello." The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."
Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill... Check 3 friends, if they're okay, you're it.
A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons. He talks to him. Nothing obvious. He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up. Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons. "Oh goody," says the boy, "I got an old box in school and only black and brown were left."
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."