About lawyers, accountants, judges...
-- from "Work Sucks!" by Bob Glickman
- An individual who can't pronounce the word 'scruples'.
- A profession which wouldn't exist had there been a few more commandments.
- The only person who adult vultures teach their young to fear.
- The best evidence that God has a sense of humor.
A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles.
"Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked.
"It's some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?"
"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired.
"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
A local police report tells the following:
An elderly lady accomplished her shopping at a local mall and upon her return to the crowded parking lot, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and dug her handgun out of her purse and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice. "I've got a gun, I know how to use it, and I will if required, so get out of this car!!"
The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but scrambled out all our doors and ran like mad. The elderly lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat, now vacated by the strangers. Small problem. She was astonished to find that her key didn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She located her car, loaded her bags into the trunk and then drove to the police station. She solemnly told her story to the desk sergeant.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman.
No charges were filed.
A husband and wife were driving on the highway when they got pulled over by a policeman. The policeman knocked on the window and said to the gentleman driving, "Do you realize that you were speeding?"
The man replied, "I wasn't speeding."
His wife looked at him and said, "Yes you were. You were going 20 miles over the speed limit."
The husband looked at her and said, "Will you just keep your mouth shut?"
The policeman then said to the husband, "I can also cite you for not wearing your seatbelt."
The man said, "I was wearing it, but I took it off to get my license out."
His wife said, "No you didn't, you weren't wearing your seatbelt."
The husband then said, "I thought I told you to shut your mouth."
The policeman then looked into the window and said, "Excuse me ma'am, but does he always talk to you like that?"
She said, "Oh no Officer, only when he is Drinking and Driving."
1st Lawyer: You're a fool.
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them."
"What?? You did???"
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to YOU."
Quoted from an article about Cannibalism in the "New Scientist" 14 March 1998.
The story of Alfred Packer, the first American to be convicted of cannibalism remains a classic. While prospecting for gold in Coloroado's San Juan mountains in 1873, Packer became trapped in a shack during a blizzard, and survived by eating his fellow prospectors. He was arrested, tried, and sentenced to 40 years imprisonment, although he served only 15.
"You are a low down depraved son of a bitch" the judge told him. "There were only seven Democrats in Hinsdale county, and you ate five of them."
Actual statements made during court cases
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"
The young man replied, " I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words. "
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the little man.
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' So I stabbed him."
A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger's horror, eating a fish and a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was soon brought to trial for his crime...
The Judge asked the man "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
"Yes I do." replied the man, "but if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
"You may proceed."
"I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabing some fish. I thought 'if I startled the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish.' Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
The judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant's testimony. 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns:
"Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
"Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it's a bit more tender than a California Condor but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl."
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was goingto live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said:
"No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
This would be me
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
Learn your lesson
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
Ahh, that's better!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
Ooops! I blew that one!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled and, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel"
"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
A woman with 14 children,ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.
"When did he desert you,"the judge asked.
"Thirteen years ago,"she replied.
"If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?"
"Well,"said the woman,"he kept coming back to say he was sorry."
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway.
And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting!
"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?
"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any."
A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste.
"I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "
But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure.
"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.
"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom.
"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused?
"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."
As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another attorney.
"With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking along he road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking on the side of the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud, satisfying "THUMP!". Then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was going along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled his truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively, he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD!!". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire.
After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued.
The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.
After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested... for arson.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the curious fellow.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the Gentleman replies.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my' gator."
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys don't carry cash).
Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:
Mr. Ryan De Vries
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.
The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
David L. Price
Land and Water Management Division
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter -- being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers -- be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State -- I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.
Stephen L. Tvedten
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene...
The post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers.
It seems that people were confused as to which side to spit on.
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
Like a lot of good secretaries, mine was concerned not only about things around the office, but my personal well-being as well. Now while this young lady was not a soap-box evangelist, she was quite religious. Knowing too much perhaps about some of my antics, a few strayings, as well as my occasional "walk on the wild side", she asked if I had ever given any thought to Heaven.
Perhaps being a little too flippant, I told her that indeed I had considered Judgement Day, and thought my logical (and only) course of action would be to have the best lawyer available.
She sat there a moment, trying to gauge if I were serious or not, then replied, "And just where are ya gonna find any lawyer at all -- good or bad, in Heaven?"
Top Ten New Advertising Campaign Themes for Accountants
10. No matter how low we sink, we're always a step above lawyers.
9. Let the lawyers do the lying-- leave the manipulating to us.
8. We may be geeky, but at least we're not lawyers.
7. You may not like us, but at least we're not lawyers. (At this point, you may be thinking to yourself, "Self, I think I sense a pattern here!" But you'd be wrong -- read on!)
6. Just count it!
5. Have you hugged your accountant today?
4. If you don't look good, we don't look good.
3. After you pay our bill, the IRS's bill won't bother you.
2. We check to make sure you're balanced.
And, the Number 1 suggested marketing topic...
1. Accountants: Always there to cover your ASSets!
Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites downtown. Two young familes were also in line to the see the sites and I overheard an interesting conversation between two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy", replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer!" when the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.
The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied, "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50 for three questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question?"
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
He won the case.
Useful law degree
True Story - I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang,and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice?
I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask. "Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?" "I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?" "You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator) "I heard you." "So, you measured my speed by ear?" (Ed. note: The Doppler Effect could be applicable here) "I can hear." "How fast did you HEAR me going?" "Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with.
She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?"
The cop says, "No, I am not." I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is anindictable offense."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block thru a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.
The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to it's origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
Now, may we have our loan?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be ~at least~ 193 years old!"
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
- "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
- "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
- "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
- "Were you alone or by yourself?"
- "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
- "Did he kill you?"
- "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
- "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
- "How many times have you committed suicide?"
- Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
- Q: "She had three children, right?"
Q: "How many were boys?"
Q: "Were there any girls?"
- Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
- Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
- Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
- Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
- Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
- Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
- Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
- Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
- Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
- Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
- Q: What is you brother-in-law's name?
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
- Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you every stay all night with this man in Miami?
- Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
- Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
- Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
- Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
- Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
- Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
- Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
- Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
- Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
- Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
- The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
- Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
- Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
- Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
- Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
- Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
- Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on, what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
- Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
- Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!
- Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
- Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
- Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
- Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.
- Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
- Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Waiting at the end of a long line at a teller's window at the local bank, a man noticed that the man in front of him appeared to be very tense and stressed, and started massaging his shoulders and back. The man ahead of him in line turned around and said, "Sir, just what in the hell do you think you are doing?"
The man at the end of the line replied, "I am a chiropractor. I noticed that you appear to be very tense and stressed, so I thought I would massage your shoulders and back while we are waiting in line."
To which the other man replied, "Really! I am a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the man ahead of me?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A lawyer in a small firm had just finished advising a client on a business matter. The fee for the advice was $100 and the client gave the lawyer a folded up $100 bill. After the client left, the lawyer unfolded the bill and realized that the client had accidentally given him two $100 bills. Now he was faced with a true moral dilemma: Should he share the extra $100 with his partners?
New Accountant-first worry
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
An lawyer was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile charity. His response was, "I guess you hadn't heard, my mother is sufferring from a terminal illness and she has medical bills which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat veteran. He is not only blind, but is in a wheelchair and he has to take ten different medicines a day. My sister is an only parent of three children since her huband died without life insurance. She has no college and scrubs floors for a living while moonlighting by taking in ironing. My wife is in a mental ward, and may never get out. My only child is in a drug rehabilitation program, but he left and no one can find him."
Before he could get his breath and continue on, the fund raiser thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone. "You are correct, sir. I had no idea of your problems. Of course we can't expect you to make a contribution with so many demands already on your income."
The lawyer nods and replies, "Exactly-- why should I contribute to your organization when I don't even give to my own family?"
Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant
10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period".
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is your day."
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.
5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals.
2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. "Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers. "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools."
An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: one was a doctor, one a priest, and one an attorney. "I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world."
The three agreed.
A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."
As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."
The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"
The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"
"I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount!"
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ... "Gone, But Not for Cotton."