Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.
Following is our own version of a "soap" opera completely different from those you usually see. It was submitted by a London hotel ... and ... believe it or not, is true.
The hotel is a place... that gives free soap.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily [sic]. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born!
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show...
"Look, look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank at sea. The magician found himself on a large piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. The two of them stared at each other with hate, but didn't utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After about a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name:________________(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(_) Billy-Jefferson
(Check appropriate box)
Age:____
Sex(_) M(_) F(_) N/A
Shoe Size:____ Left____ Right
Occupation:(_)Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name:__________________________
Relationship with spouse:(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household:___
Number that are yours:___
Mother's Name____________________
Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1   2   3   4(Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own_____
Number of vehicles that still crank_____
Number of vehicles in front yard_____
Number of vehicles in back yard_____
Number of vehicles on cement blocks_____
Firearms you own and where you keep them:_____ truck
_____ bedroom
_____ bathroom
_____ kitchen
_____ shed
Model and year of your pickup:___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
Number of times you've seen a UFO_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO_____
How often do you bathe:(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of teeth:(_)Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:(_) Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) don't know
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What the hell was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
Never argue with an idiot:
They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Darwin Award Candidates:

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...
A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered [well, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry.
CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . .
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT!
Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
98 DARWIN AWARDS SEPTEMBER 1998
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
  1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
  2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who -totally zoned when he ran,- according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
  3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands as shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
  4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death resulted when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
  5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
  6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
  7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
  8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
  1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
  2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the frst and second floors of his house.
  3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
  4. Taking -Amateur Night- Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, -It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons.-
SOME MORE ALSO RANS
  1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
    Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. -I'm still not sure why I did it,- she said later -I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. -Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds-. However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
  2. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
  3. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. -My dog drags the thing all over the house,- he said later. -He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.- The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. -He was a real trooper during the entire episode,- said Dr. Dennis Crobe. -Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there-.
  4. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought any bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. -All I can say,- said Bingham, -is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it.- Bingham's foot was never located.
  5. BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler -Chris is just plain lucky,- said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. -Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this.-
AND THE WINNER:
Paderborn, Germany-Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. -The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him,- said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. -With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. -It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen.-
A very large strong-looking guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, " W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
Sayings that should be on bumper stickers, T-Shirts, or buttons:
The horse and the mule live thirty years
And nothing know of wines and beers.
The goats and sheep at twenty die
With never a taste of scotch or rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is mostly done.
The dog at sixteen cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in twelve short years it croaks.
The sober, modest, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at ten.
The animals are strictly dry
They sinless live and swiftly die.
While sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score years and ten.
And some of us, though mighty few
Stay pickled till we're ninety-two.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...
and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, sexual preference, or amount of non-patent prior art searching of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
Never mind all that talk about lying to a grand jury in Washington. The tale of a vehicle whose gasoline tank never needed filling because of a mechanical defect was deemed the year's best lie by the Burlington Liar's Club.
Frank E. Simo of Kenosha said he and his wife traveled to California and back without fueling. The way Simo explained it, a mechanic said the feat was the result of the fuel gauge stuck at its fullest setting.
Club president John Soeth said his club, founded in 1929, received about 500 entries from all over the world. Among this year's honorable mentions:
"It was so windy this past November that I had to tie our logs to our fireplace grate to keep them from getting sucked up the chimney."
Mike Linstroth, Racine.
"I live so far up north I have to look south to see the northern lights."
John E. Anderson, Kenosha.
"Our weeping willow tree is so large that our insurance agent required us to carry flood insurance."
Debbie Simon, Green Bay.
To guarantee an even playing field, Soeth said the club does not accept submissions from politicians
"Old Jetro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.
"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"
"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the tarnation outta our cats."
Zmiros
Who knows one?
I know one!
One is a partridge in a pear tree.
Who knows two?
I know two!
Two are the turtledoves, and
One is a partridge in a pear tree.
Who knows three?
I know three!
Three are the french hens!
Two are the turtledoves, and
One is a partridge in a pear tree.
Who knows four? I know four! Four are the calling birds! ...
Who knows five? I know five! Five are the gold rings! ...
Who knows six? I know six! Six are the geese a-laying! ...
Who knows seven? I know seven! Seven are the swans a-swimming! ...
Who knows eight? I know eight! Eight are the maids a-milking! ...
Who knows nine? I know nine! Nine are the drummers drumming! ...
Who knows ten? I know ten! Ten are the pipers piping! ...
Who knows eleven! I know eleven! Eleven are the ladies dancing! ...
Who knows twelve?
I know twelve!
Twelve are the lords a-leaping!
Eleven are the ladies dancing
Ten are the pipers piping
Nine are the drummers drumming
Eight are the maids a-milking
Seven are the swans a-swimming
Six are the geese a-laying
Five are the gold rings
Four are the calling birds
Three are the french hens
Two are the turtle doves and
One is a partridge in a pear tree.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer,
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
Then came a cat and ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
Then came a dog and bit the cat,
That ate the reindeer,
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
Then came a stick and beat the dog,
That bit the cat that ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
Then came a fire and burned the stick, ...
Then came the water and quenched the fire, ...
Then came an ox and drank the water, ...
Then came a shochet and slaughtered the ox, ...
Then came the angel of death and killed the shochet, ...
Then came the Blessed Holy One and slew the angel of death,
That killed the shochet that slaughtered the ox
That drank the water that quenched the fire
That burned the stick that beat the dog
That bit the cat that ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
HABIT

Habit never goes
Because if you remove H
Abit remains,
If you remove A
Bit remains,
If you remove B
It still remains
Dear Doctor Science,
My brother says that if an airplane flies at twice the speed of sound for one hour, its sound arrives one hour after it lands. I say a half an hour. Which of us is right?
-- Elaine Shamir from Minneapolis, MN
Neither of you. Sound becomes easily bored and distracted when chasing a faster-than-sound vehicle. The noise left in the wake of those airplanes probably slowed down and stopped altogether within minutes after take-off. Now my guess is it started horsing around with a cumulus cloud and will eventually emerge as thunder. You'll often notice an increase of storm activity around airports. Hey, look at what happens at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida: those rockets are as fast as they are loud.
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and they too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Finally the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans they never have to drink with the same one twice.
This guy needs to use the bathroom really badly- he's almost shitting his pants. He goes into a bar, where its really crowded, and everyone is having a great time. He looks around everywhere, but there's no bathroom in sight.
However, he does spot a little set of stairs in the back, so he goes upstairs, and he finds himself in a little room, with a hole in the middle of the floor. Well, this guy REALLY has to go, so he looks around, drops his pants, and quickly does his thing in the hole. Once he's done, he pulls up his pants, and saunters downstairs like nothing happened. When he gets downstairs, there isn't anyone there, and the bartender is crouched under the bar.
Well, the guy asks the bartender, "Where is everyone?"
The bartender says, "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, You'll never find anyone like me again. I'm thinking, I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?
--Larry Miller
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
--Jake Johansen
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
--Paula Poundstone
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
--Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.
--Jerry Seinfeld
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifed from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
Living in Southern California, Los Angeles in particular, one can easily get caught up in the L.A. "attitude". So many people here are actors or actresses, musicians, models, or connected with the entertainment industry. Everyone is caught up in the "healthy" lifestyle. Dieting, exercise, and living "right" is everyone's quest.
Of course not everyone can look like a model, or has the will power to eat right. I guess that's why there are so many diet centers and plastic surgeons out here. If you can't control your appetite, there is always liposuction. Breast not big enough? Visit the plastic surgeon. Even men make repeated visits for calf implants, tummy tucks, and face lifts.
Our neighbor is a prime example. After living out here for three years she had embraced the whole L.A. lifestyle. Why she even has her plastic surgeon's phone number on speed dial. The other day she was very excited. As she was getting in her car, she told us that she was picking up her mother from the airport. She hadn't seen her since she moved out here. A little while later, she returned without her mom. It seem her mother refused to get in the car with here. After all the plastic surgery our neighbor had gone through, her mother didn't recognize her!
While we haven't adopted the L.A. attitude, Cathy felt we should do something to improve our physical health. Still being in pretty good shape from when I played football in high school, I just didn't see why. Cathy, making one of her astute observation, said "you look more like the football than a football player". Okay, so maybe it has been a couple decades since I last played football, but I still was fit.
"I'm still in shape" I argued, emphasizing my remark with a manly display of pure strength by crushing my empty beer can. She gave me the look only a wife can give, and I knew there was no way out of this.
Thus began our search for the right health club.
We started by looking through the phone book. Mistake. There was a separate phone book, just for health clubs. I scanned through the listings and saw health clubs for senior citizens, clubs for expectant mothers, clubs for kids, then I saw the perfect one. A health club for women. I could enjoy that one! A slap across the back of my head convinced me to keep looking.
After jotting down a few prospects we began our search. The first thing I realized is that we would need to take out a second mortgage to pay the initiation fees, and I would have to work a second job to pay the monthly charges. Unperturbed by this Cathy pressed on.
One health club was fairly close to our home. We pulled up in front and the valet opened the door for Cathy. Other cars were pulling up and the valets rushed to open doors. The doormen took the gym bags and escorted everyone into the facility. This was good. Why strain yourself carrying that heavy gym bag? Let someone else do it! Why tire yourself out walking from the parking lot to the gym? Let the parking attendant take care of your car. Inside it was very clear that we were in a posh club. Why everyone had personal trainers, and some people even had their trainers exercising for them! I liked this club. Cathy reminded me of our finances and we promptly left.
The search continued.
After an exhaustive all morning search, we pulled into another health club close to our home. This gym was more reasonable. They still had valet parking, but no doorman to carry one's gym bag. We walked through the lobby to the receptionist. She was a striking brunette with something vaguely familiar about her. Was she last month's center fold in Playboy? We told her we were interested in join the club. She made a quick phone call to get a rep to help us. I made small talk with her while we waited.
The rep came to give us a tour. I was chatting with Miss October when Cathy tugged at my arm. As I tried to lace it back in its socket, we started our tour. Everyone was so fit, so toned, so beautiful. Was there a plastic surgeon on the premises?
First stop, the trainers room. We were introduced to Sven, he put down his tomato, watercress, and alfalfa sprouts on seven grain bread sandwich. He offered us a glass of fresh squeezed carrot juice (I think he squeezed it in his bare hands) and said hello. I realized right away that it would be best to stay on his good side. Anybody that has so much power in his jaws that he can eat that bread, is not a person you want to make angry!
The gym was elegant. The equipment new and state of the art. There were few people working out and plenty of equipment not in use. Cathy liked this club. Our tour ended back at the office. Our pleasant guide introduced us to the salesman. I never knew what hit me. Like sharks at the first taste of blood, or lawyers at an auto accident. We didn't have a chance.
Stunned, having signed our life away, we stopped for lunch at a little sidewalk cafe. I ordered my favorite lunch, a bacon cheeseburger and french fries. As I recovered my senses and fed my face, a crowd started gathering. They looked at me like I was a crack addict mutilating kittens. Cathy the ever astute person she is, realized my faux paux and told the now angry large crowd "it's a garden burger with soy bean bacon and imitation cheddar cheese made from vegetable oil". In unison, the crowd said "ahhh!" and dispersed nodding their heads with approval.
Oh well, that's life in L.A.!
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Just as the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring. The customer puts his hand up to his ear and says, "Hello? No honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes, love you, bye."
The bartender says, "What the heck is that?"
The customer replies "It's my hand phone..give me your home number so you can try it."
With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender's ear. The bartender's wife answers and he (who is very amazed) says, "I...honey... just thought I'd call you and tell you I love you....ok...bye."
The bartender says, "That's amazing! How do you get one?"
"I'll tell you when I get back from the restroom."
30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is ok. When he enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his butt.
"What the hell are you doing?" asks the incredulous bartender.
"Give me a second," the man replies as he grunts and groans, "I'm getting a fax."

GETTING EVEN

A list of ways to get even with someone. Example:
GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. Come early!
X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials.
LOST KEYS: Get a hold of some old useless keys (car, house, etc.). Place victim's name, phone number and $50.00 reward... if found and returned. Drop the keys in one of the less desirable areas of town.
PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries.
DOGS: Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again.
FAX MACHINES: Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you.
College Humour...
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
This year so far we've been getting rain. Why just last week it rained here twice -- once for 3 days and once for 4.
A man is sitting down to read the paper when he hears a knock on his door. Upon opening the door the man is confronted by a snail on his doorstep.
"Good evening," says the snail, "I'm collecting for the snail benevelent fund. Would you care to make a donation?". The snail gets his reply as the man kicks him into the bushes.
Ten years later there's another knock at the door. Again, the man finds a snail on his doorstep. "That wasn't very nice!" exclaims the snail.
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is postdated six years from now."
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
If my job was to drive a truck full of some highly explosive gas, I don't think I'd get much work done, because at every parking lot I passed I'd pull over and run from the truck screaming, "Look out! She's gonna blow!"
A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit for it?"
"Doesn't matter," replied the professor, "I just keep changing the ANSWERS."
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

Some Bonmots

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?"Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?A pool table.
What is a zebra?25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?A nervous wreck.
Where do you get virgin wool from?Ugly sheep/the one that can run the fastest.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?They're trying to get away from the noise.
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
The following is apparently an actual transcript of part of a writers meeting for Armageddon:
Begin transcript:
***
WRITER A
And so then the Mir spacestation blows up while the shuttles are right beside it!
WRITER B
So everyone is killed?
WRITER A
No no... they're all right. So then they start the loop around the moon, and
WRITER B
Doesn't getting to the moon take days?
WRITER A
Well these are hot-rod space shuttles. Anyway they both fire up their engines and start flying over the surface... the radio silence increases the tension even more! They start pulling like 12 Gs... and
WRITER B
Isn't 8 G's about the most an experienced pilot can withstand before blacking out?
WRITER A
Well, 12 Gs sounds way more intense! Also the speedometer on the shuttle goes like up to 20,000 mph!
WRITER B
The space shuttle has a speedometer?
WRITER A
Well this one does... you know it's a high-tech digital readout. So anyway, they come around the moon and like everyone is totally relieved that they made it, and they see the asteroid! It's like a vision of hell... wispy gas surrounding this awesomely evil spiked rock! They start towards it and they turn on their radar avoidance manoeuvring jets, because the thing is surrounded by thousands of volkswagen sized jagged meteors swirling around in a hellish maelstrom.
WRITER B
So these are pretty maneoverable shuttles.
WRITER A
Well ya, it's a secret prototype. Anyway the meteor storm gets worse and then it's like 10 times worse that the asteroid field in Star Wars!
WRITER B
So they're all killed?
WRITER A
No no, one of the shuttles lands OK, but it misses its target area because of the meteors. The other shuttle is torn to shreds by the storm of jagged rocks and crashes on the meteor.
WRITER B
So those guys are killed.
WRITER A
Well, there are three survivers who dust themselves off. And the drilling rover is OK. They are protected by the cargo bay.
WRITER B
Have you ever seen news footage of when a plane slams into the side of a mountain? There often aren't many pieces left bigger than a seat cushion.
WRITER A
Look, I don't think you're being constructive here! Anyway the three guys are OK and so they take the rover and drive it through the side of the cargo bay!
WRITER B
They just drive it through the side like it was nothing? This is the cargo bay that protected them?
WRITER A
Oh wait... ya! They take a gatling gun and tear the hell out of the side of the shuttle first!! It's a maelstrom of lead!
WRITER B
What?! What the hell are they doing with a gatling gun?
STUDIO EXEC
Audiences love serious firepower.
WRITER B
They brought along a gatling gun? Are you out of your fucking mind?
STUDIO EXEC
Look, we need team players here. Why don't you take the rest of the week off and, uh, I'll give you a call next Monday.
****
End transcript.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I can pee farther than anyone else"
"Yeah" the bartender says.
"Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from 75 feet away" the guy says.
"Yeah right" the bartender says.
"It's true, in fact, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I cam pee right into a beer bottle 75 feet away and not spill a drop" the guy says.
"Go ahead" the bartender says smiling at the chance to make some easy money.
So a beer bottle is placed on the floor 75 feet away. Then the guy whips out his dick and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar,he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.
The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender.
The bartender then says to the guy, "Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?"
Then the guy says ""Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but you'd be smiling."

Signs

Official sign near door:            Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby:      Window frightened.

HEY, Life is still not fair for the guys
Found in a restaurant in England:

Guys: No shirt, No service
Girls: No shirt, No charge

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus
(translation of the Greek):

'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'

MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town.
An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down.The caption reads:
'Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago:

restrooms
<-----
Please wait for hostess to seat you.

Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT:

Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm
Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm.

Seen in a health food store:

"Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot "

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant, the sign read:

Women are not served here...
You have to bring your own.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:

'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race:

Let's see who can go downhill the fastest

Sign in King's Canyon in California.

'Slow Parking Ahead'

In a Nairobi restaurant

Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

In a Westlands jewelry store

Ears pierced while you wait.

In the window of an Indian store along River Road

Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

On the grounds of a private school

No trespassing without permission.

On an Athi River highway

Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

On a poster at Kencom

Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.

In a City restaurant

Open seven days a week and weekends.

One of the Mathare buildings

Mental Health Prevention Center

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer

Do not activate with wet hands.

In a Pumwani maternity ward

No children allowed.

In an cemetery

Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

In a Thika hotel.

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please don't read this notice.

In a hotel in Mombasa

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

A sign posted in a tourist camping park

It is strictly forbidden on our camping sites that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Hindu temple.

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a New Nairobi Club

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In the same club

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a gas station

Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar. (See also the current Jack-in-the-Box specials.)

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
Can you follow directions? Sure, you can. Or can you? You have only three minutes to answer these questions.
  1. Read everything before doing anything.
  2. Put your name on the upper right hand corner of this paper.
  3. Circle the word "name" in sentence two.
  4. Draw five small squares in the upper left-hand corner of this paper.
  5. Put an "x" In each square.
  6. Put a circle around each square.
  7. Sign your name under the title.
  8. After the title write "yes, yes, yes".
  9. Put a circle around each word In sentence no. 7.
  10. Put an "x" in the lower left hand corner of this paper.
  11. Draw a triangle around the "x" you just put down.
  12. On the reverse side of this paper multiply 703 by 9805.
  13. Draw a rectangle around the word "paper" in sentence no. 4.
  14. Call out your first name when you get to this point in your paper.
  15. If you think you have followed directions up to this point In the test, call out "I have".
  16. On the reverse side of the paper add 8950 and 9850.
  17. Put a circle around your answer.
  18. Count out loud In normal speaking voice backwards from ten to one.
  19. Now that you have finished reading, do only sentences one and two.
Each simile listed below was actually used by high school students in their various essays and short stories:
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the his dad.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Definitions from the Cynic's Dictionary

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge clichés.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also
SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE:
  1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
  2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
Background:
Recently Auckland, NZ, suffered a major power blackout and the Aussies laughed at us. Now Sydney's water is undrinkable and we can laugh right back at 'em!
To the tune of Waltzing Matilda...............
Once a dying dingo barfed into a Bilabong
That Bilabong fed a wild, gushing stream
And the stream led to a river that topped up Sydney's Reservoir
Turned all the water to a deep shade of green
(Chorus)
Don't drink the water -
Don't drink the water -
Don't drink the water in Sydney - It's true
That the echo you hear when you phone your Sydney-sider friends
Is caused by the fact that they're all in the Loo.

Not so very long ago our Aussie Cousins laughed at us
"Poor powerless Auckland' - Supply cables torn
But at least, in the twilight we could brush our toothy-pegs
Without running risk of a "Technicolour Yawn"
(Chorus)
Don't drink the water -
Don't drink the water -
Drink Aussie beer - (Though you know its 'the pits')
Yes - It tastes a little odd when your salads tossed in Castlemaine
But, then again, you don't get a dose of the
...........(tummy-rumbles)
I've heard Olympic bureaucrats all saying that the Games are safe.
That the drinking water will be clean and pure and bright.
(But the Homebush Athletes Village isn't taking any chances, though
Nine thousand extra Dunnies have been ordered for the Site)
(Chorus)
It's all a Big Scam !
Guaranteed 'Gold-Medal-Plan'
Aussie's Secret Weapon - When the Sprinters hear the gun.
They're all so used to dashing from one toilet to another now -
They're clocking New World Records for the 100 Metre's Run.
One day, two Canadian friends were walking along the beach and happened upon the famous "genie in a bottle". Upon rubbing the bottle, the Genie pops out and says.."Since both of you were rubbing the bottle and let me free, I will grant each one of you one wish!"
Now, being from Quebec, the first one tells the Genie that he wants the province of Quebec seperated and that a big wall should be built around it. "Poof!" and the guy disappears and his wish granted.
"What is your wish?" he says to the next one. After a few seconds the guy says, "Can you fill that wall with water?"
How about the professor of psychology and the professor of history sitting on the porch of the nudist colony watching the sun set.
The professor of history said to the professor of psychology "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology said "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs!"
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
A Mother mouse and her baby were walking by a cave when a bat flew out. "Look Ma!" said the youngster, "An Angel."
You always hear that a camel can go 500 miles without water. How come nobody's ever bothered to see how far they can go WITH water.
You've all heard of Russian roulette and a joke's been making the rounds about African roulette. How many of you know how to play Indian roulette though?
You're given a flute and 6 large cobras, one of whom is deaf.
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied "Well, you know ... math always was a little hard to swallow."
What is a cat?
  1. Cats do what they want.
  2. They rarely listen to you.
  3. They're totally unpredictable.
  4. They whine when they are not happy.
  5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
  6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  8. They're moody.
  9. They leave hair everywhere.
  10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
"Ohhhh Harold." wailed the young miss. "If there was a weather report on your brain, it would be 'Dense fog -- relative stupidity 100%'."
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:
"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million.
"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business and $1 million.
"And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!"
Original Version
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she's never was....
--------------
The New Versions.....
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was ...
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
(1) If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

(2) If you love someone,
Set her free ... but get someone to follow her
(3) If you love someone,
.... are you sure you love that someone?
Go-getter:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, go get her !
Hunter:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't even wait whether she comes back,
go hunt her down!
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again,
repeat *
C++ Programmer:
if(you->love(m_she))
m_she->free();
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown to the side of the tracks, suffering some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Dr. Suess:
Would you, could you cross the street
On your two small chicken feet?
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.
Would you cross it in Japan
To flee Godzilla and Rodan
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.
Would you cross the road and cluck
And jump to avoid the speeding truck?
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.
Would you hop across the road
As though you were a garden toad?
Not across the road
as though a toad
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.
Would you cross it in the night
Lit by passing car headlight?
Not in the night
With car headlight
Not across the road
As though a toad
Not with a cluck
To avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.
Please dear chicken give it a try
For across the road you can not fly.
Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try
For it is true, chickens can't fly.
Hey! It's not bad, infact it's neat!
I truly love to cross the street.
Across the road I LOVE to scram.
I cross the road, a fowl I am.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
A Westerner touring Hongkong was told by his folks back home that one can really get good bargains on shirts but one have to be wary. This gentleman while bargain hunting chance upon a well estabilshed shop and was rubbing his hand in glee when he saw the price of a branded shirt that cost half the price of what being sold back home. Being warned of "cheap" shirts he began to scrutinized the shirt carfefully and he smiled when he saw a label sewed on the shirt.
The label read "Guaranteed No Shrink". Convinced that he has indeed found a great bargain he went ahead and bought himself half-a-dozen shirts.
Back at the hotel, he took out the shirts and send them to the laundry. He was eager to put them on and see some envious faces in his tour group. When the shirts returned from the hotel laundry he was shocked that all of them have shrinked by at least one size. He looked at the label again to assure himself that he did not read the label wrongly.
Yes, the label cleared stated: "Guaranteed No Shrink".
Angrily he took the shirts, went to the shop and asked to see the manager. The manager came out, listened to his complain and then calmly point to the lable and said:
"You Westener read from left to right. We Chinese read from right to left."
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
-- Unknown
I think it would be a good idea.
-- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?
-- Jules Feiffer
The only reason that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
-- Nicholas Chamfort
Whatever their other contribution to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.
-- A cartoon caption
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
-- John Lennon
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
-- Lily Tomlin
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
-- Robert Orben
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
-- Alex Levine
The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with: sudden death.
-- Michael Phelps
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
-- Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-- Woody Allen
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
-- H.L.Mencken
I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
-- Tom McGuane
It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
-- Marty Winch
Woman was second God's mistake.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat
women.
-- Nicole Hollander
One reason people get divorced is that they run out of gift ideas.
-- Robert Byrne
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Kite sales hit an all time high.
Fish sales were flounding.
Yoyos continue their cycling up and down.
Yachts were all wet.
Playground equipment went on a slide.
Ice machines were frozen solid.
Paper shredders were tearing up the market.
Fencing was having a field day.
Windows were breaking all records.
Javelin sales had missed the mark.
Hunting equipment is being scoped out.
Gravel futures are bumping along.
Airplanes have gone sky high.
Parachutes seem to be drifting.
Frog legs took a jump.
Medical supplies had a microscopic increase.
Telescopes have a far reaching plan.
Jazz sales are swinging right along.
Cannons balls are simply expoding.
Diamonds are experiencing a hard market.
Rubber band sales are tight.
Suspenders have had nothing happening.
Mouse sales have been squeeking by.
Printer sales seem to have a good margin.
Games have been spinning wildly.
Books have just about recovered..
Running shorts are now on track.
Seat belt sales have been constricted.
Building supplies are going up.
Glues are just holding their own.
Candy futures are looking sweet.
Valium sales are depressed.
Steering wheels have turned the corner.
Kitchen wears are really cooking.
Spatulas are experiencing a big turn over.
Warning: the bubble in gum sales is going to collapse suddenly.
Hydraulic jacks are slowing going up.
Polish Sausages have experienced a dog eat dog reality lately.
Banks are underfunded.
Bed sheets are selling short.
There is but brief news on boxer shorts.
Clock sales are ticking along nicely.
Railroads are now on track.
Golf carts are about par right now.
Sand paper is having a rough time.
Nails are taking a real hammering.
Bolts are slipping but nuts are making a big turn around.
Bridges have been drawing interest lately.
Soap has been slipping badly, and shampoo is down a hair.
Lightbulb sales are dimming badly.
Springs are bouncing back.
Cracker sales are crumbling.
The news on energy is just shocking.
Dryers are spinning out of control.
Wash machines are just going through their cycles.
Exercise equipment sellers are sweating right now.
Home scales are having a heavy resurgence.
The profits on foods are being eaten away.
Medical supplies does not look healthy.
Bricks are holding up nicely.
Ladders are beginning to lean now.
Card board boxes are packing it in.
Electric fan sales are breezing by.
Tractors are ploughing right along
A physicist and a mathematician are in the faculty lounge having a cup of coffee when, for no apparent reason, the coffee machine bursts into flames. The physicist rushes over to the wall, grabs a fire extinguisher, and fights the fire successfully.
The same time next week, the same pair are there drinking coffee and talking shop when the new coffee machine goes on fire. The mathematician stands up, fetches the fire extinguisher, and hands it to the physicist, thereby reducing the problem to one already solved...
From the California coast...there is this guy who was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-incrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy.
The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates.
What's your second wish."
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later."
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customised to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly.The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-M ...
My bonnie looked into a gas tank
The height of its contents to see
She lighted a match to assist her
Oh bring back my bonnie to me
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.

Some thoughts...

An American is visiting Singapore for a short stay. He gets into a cab and asks the driver to show him the sights. The cabbie first takes him by the Orchard Road.
"What's that?" says the American.
"Oh, that's the Takashimaya shopping centre. It's a shopping complex with over 300 stores."
"Golleee," drawls the American. "How long do you reckon it took to put that up?"
"Oh, I dunno," replies the cabbie. "About two years, I think."
"Two years!" exclaims the American. "Why, in America, we would put that up in less'n ONE year!"
The cabbie continues on the tour, and passes by the Shenton Way.
"What's that?" says the American, craning his neck and looking up.
"Oh, That's the UOB Building. It's got 70 storeys and about 10,000 people working in that one building."
"Mah goodness," drawls that American. "How long do you reckon it took to put that up?"
The cabbie, not wanting to be outdone this time, said "Oh, I seem to remember that going up in about six months."
"Six months!" exclaims the American. "Why, in America, we could put up that building in THREE months!"
The cabbie is now getting a little annoyed. He turns west and takes his passenger by the AYE.
"Golleee," drawls the American, looking 1,800 feet up to the top of the tower, "What's that?"
"I dunno," says the cabbie. "It wasn't here this morning."
The newly arrived probe to Mars has returned irrefutable evidence that the red planet is populated with approximately 27 million 3-month-old kittens.
These "kittens" do not give birth and do not die, but are locked in a state of eternal kittenhood. Of course, without further investigation, scientists are reluctant to call the chirpy little creatures kittens.
"Just because they look like kittens and act like kittens is no reason to assume they are kittens," said one researcher. "A football is a brown thing that bounces around on grass, but it would be wrong to call it a puppy."
Scientists at first were skeptical that a kitten-type being could exist in the rare Martian atmosphere. As a test, two Earth kittens were put in a chamber that simulated the Martian air. The diary of this experiment is fascinating:
6:02 AM: Kittens appear to sleep.
7:02 AM: Kitten wakes, darts from one end of the cage to another for no apparent reason.
7:14 AM: Kitten runs up wall of cage, leaps onto other kitten for no apparent reason.
7:22 AM: Kitten lies on back and punches other kitten for no apparent reason.
7:30 AM: Kitten leaps, stops, darts left, abruptly stops, climbs wall, clings for two seconds, falls on head; darts right for no apparent reason.
7:51 AM: Kitten parses first sentence of daily newspaper that is at bottom of chamber.
With the exception of the parsing, all behavior is typical of Earth kitten behavior. The parsing activity, which was done with a small ball-point pen, was an anomaly.
Modern kitten theory suggests several explanations for the kittens' existence on Mars. The first, put forward by Dr. Patricia Krieger of the Hey You Bub Institute, suggests that kittens occur both everywhere and nowhere simultaneously. In other words, we see evidence that kittens exist, but when you try to measure them, they are gone, usually at the top of drapes. Another theory, put forward by Dr. Charles Wesler and his Uncle Ted, suggests that any universe where round things exist, from theoretical spheres to Ping-Pong balls, necessarily implies the existence of a Mover/Kitten. The scientific world has responded by saying that the notion of this Mover/Kitten is not a concern of legitimate research and should be relegated to the pseudo-scientific world. The pseudo-scientific world has responded by saying that it needs at least three endorsements from independent crackpots before anything can truly be called "pseudo."
Some have suggested that the hostility of the Martian climate should be enough to seriously set back the long-term prospects of any species. However, the weakness of Martian gravity is a bonus for felines. They are able to leap almost three times as high as they can on Earth. They can climb twice as far up a carpet-covered post, and a ball with a bell in it will roll almost three times as far. This is at least equal to the distance that a mature poodle can roll a ball with its nose.
Even though there could be a big market on Earth for eternal kittens, most scientists agree that the human race should not pursue further involvement with the kittens. There are those, however, who believe that, having discovered these creatures, it is now our responsibility to "amuse" them.
Dr. Enos Mowbrey and his wife/cousin, Jane, both researchers at the Chicago Junebug Institute for Animal Studies, argue that the kittens could be properly amused by four miles of ball string cut into 14-inch segments. The cost of such venture would be: Currently, the only scheme for raising this money is a proposal to change Rhode Island into a casino.
Kitten theory, along with modern string theory, are embryonic notions at best. There is still much to be pursued, including exploration for similar life on other planets. When asked what other heavenly bodies might be conducive to kittens or, say farm life such as baby chicks, Dr. Joseph "Old" MacDonald enthused, "Io, Io, oh!""
WE HAVE EGGS! WE WILL NOT BE STOPPED!
by Joe Lavin
Instead of working Monday, my entire department took the day off and attended an office retreat. It was an attempt for us to "all get on the same page" and to participate in "team building exercises" through which we would be able to learn valuable lessons about teamwork, project management, and of course making complete and total asses of ourselves.
Lucky for you, your fearless humor columnist was there to report on all the many different elements of the ass making/team building exercises. A special company was hired especially for this event, and one of the first things they did was to pass out eggs. Yes, after being split into teams of six people, we were each given an egg to carry while walking around cold Cambridge. Don't ask why.
After this, our team was given a long list of stupid things we could do in order to gain points. The catch was that each stupid thing had to be documented. For every time we did a stupid thing, we could only get points if we asked a complete stranger to take a picture of us doing it while we proudly held our eggs in the air.
Um, did I mention that I work for Harvard University, the preeminent university in the country? Just that morning, our boss had told us that he no longer felt Harvard was competing with the Yales and Stanfords but instead with the Microsofts and Coca Colas of the world. In the afternoon, we were holding a friggin' egg in the air and asking homeless people to take Polaroid snapshots of us.
Our stupid photo ops included:
  1. Getting a picture of our team standing around a shopping cart with one of us in it -- while of course all holding our eggs high in the air.
  2. Getting a picture of something old and new. For this, it was decided to go into my favorite used CD store and take a picture of a record and a CD -- while of course all holding our eggs high in the air. I don't think I'll ever be able to go back in there again.
  3. Getting a picture with all of us inside a parking attendant's booth -- while of course all holding our eggs high in the air.
  4. Getting a picture of ourselves in a library being shushed by a librarian -- while of course all holding our eggs high in the air. This took two tries, as the first librarian we met looked upon us with complete and utter disdain.
"I'm very sorry, but we don't allow photographs in the library."
"Oh... but we have an egg!"
Amazingly, most of the people were willing to help us. I think they must have been terrified.
"Honey, for God sake, do what the man says. He's got an egg!"
Also, it probably helped that I kept telling people we worked for Harvard. After all, as you all know, that Harvard name can open many a door and get many a Polaroid snapshot taken. Not that this was my intention. I was mainly trying to see if I could erase a three hundred and fifty year tradition of excellence in just one afternoon.
"Well, Mother, I was planning to go to Harvard, but these strange people from there came by, and, and, and, they had eggs. Maybe I'd better go to Yale."
Next was the scavenger hunt. For this, our team had to bring back a variety of items, including a six inch high letter, a tattoo, a bug, our dignity (Damn, we had that originally, but I think we lost it somewhere on Mount Auburn Street. If you find it, let me know.), five different kinds of pasta, three job applications (handy in case my boss reads this), a message in a bottle ("Help I'm trapped in a team building exercise!"), and of course a humor column.
And finally we participated in The Great Egg Drop. Yes, after we had all bonded with our egg, we were then told to drop it from twelve feet. It was horrible. The exercise was to build a device so that all our team's eggs would survive the fall. Our team actually did quite well. Only one of our six eggs broke, but sadly I think that one was mine. I was traumatized. After all, my egg and I had grown so close over the day. Plus, I was planning to have an omelet for dinner.
And of course after all this, we discussed what we had learned from the day's activities. As you can imagine, I learned many things.
  1. Just because there's free food and alcohol after an event doesn't mean it will all be okay.
  2. Apparently, there's this whole industry in which crazy people get paid to convince normally upstanding citizens to act like idiots for a day. I'm thinking of starting my own team building company. Of course, my teamwork activities would consist mainly of watching bad cable and making sarcastic comments. Beer might also be involved.
  3. I also learned that occasionally I was able to forget all my inhibitions and concentrate on the matter at hand so that our team would be able to succeed in the end. For this, I'm deeply worried.
  4. And finally I learned that it's really never a good idea to insult your employer in front of a wide audience.
Hmmn, on second thought, maybe that's a lesson which I haven't quite learned yet.
Paddy O'Flaherty had been ill for some time and he knew he was not long for this world. But one morning the smell of corned beef and cabbage reached his nostrils and quite perked him up.
Feebly, he called his son. "As one of my last requests please fetch me a plate of that lovely corned beef I can smell your mother cooking."
The lad was back in a trice. "Mum says you can't have any. It's for the wake."
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.
"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"
I just returned from my fiftieth high school reunion. The Romans of Los Angeles Hi. Class of '48. The Marina Marriott was packed. Everyone was there. We had changed little since we had last met ten years ago. Oh, we had aged a little. But there was no real change.
We spent most of the time reminiscing on the good times we had during our high school days. What most of us remembered most vividly was the semester we were offered a class in Accounting. This was an innovative experimental class that had never been tried before. And because of us, it has never been offered again.
You see we were very independent teen-agers in those post-war days. We were interested in ideals about equality and the future, not in accounting. ... So we rapidly lost our interest and attacked the principal.
The Empire State Building is famous for changing the top colored lights to celebrate various occassions (ie, red/white/blue on July 4th, green on St. Patrick's Day, etc.) -- for those of you who are curious about upcoming colors and what they mean, check out the Empire State Building's official site.

The Skyline as Headline

by Caren Lissner

As appeared in NY TIMES, July 14, 1998 (page A15)
Recently a friend who had been spending many extra hours at work told me that he hadn't heard about Frank Sinatra's death until the next night, when he saw that the Empire State Building was lighted up in blue and asked someone why. Those 1,366 blue lights became, for him, a sort of news report.
It occurred to me that it might be nice to take a break from nightly newscasts and see if I could determine what the news was solely by looking at the lights. It would be a bit like the old system of relying on a town cryer.
The first day that I tried to cipher out the news by the lights, they were yellow. That was their usual color, but I wondered if maybe there was a special purpose to it on that particular night: Judging from the next morning's papers, it had simply been a slow news day. The lights merely signified the absence, rather than the presence, of colorful news.
But I kept at it. Two nights later, the lights were red, white, and blue. I couldn't imagine what had inspired that, since Memorial Day was a week away. So I put on my thinking cap again: A call to the building's public relations department revealed that the patriotic display was in observance of three events: Armed Forces Day, Fleet Week, and Memorial Day. No Astro Pops involved.
I gave the experiment one more try. Near the end of the month, the building was lighted in green. I knew of no songed known as "Ol' Green Eyes." But a few alternatives came to mind: Actually, No. 2 wasn't far from the truth. A building spokeswoman said the lights were meant to celebrate the Museum of Natural History's new Biodiversity Center.
Now why didn't I know that?
So I'm back to getting my news from television and the papers. But I'll keep admiring the view across the water - even if I'm not sure what it's telling me.
Giving instructions to a group of his soldiers, a Mafia Boss said, "I want the guy shot; then put him in a barrel and fill it with cement; then toss him in the East River. And, oh yeah... make it look like an accident."
The word posh, which denotes luxurious rooms or accomodations, originated when ticket agents in England marked the tickets of travelers going by ship to the Orient.
Since there was no air conditioning in those days, it was always better to have a cabin on the shady side of the ship as it passed through the Mediterranean and Suez area. Since the sun is in the south, those with money paid extra to get cabin's on the left, or port, traveling to the Asia, and on the right, or starboard, when returning to Europe.
Hence their tickets were marked with the initials for Port Outbound Starboard Homebound, or POSH.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted.
So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks "Talk? Sure *he* talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a "Dickhead!"

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
The Zen master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
And the hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

France, Generally

World Cup Guidelines for American Tourists
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of Ste. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.
The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.
A Word of Warning
The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
Thank you and good luck.
Top ten things men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
One Liners
While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won. That next morning they drove out to the country, and he stuck his old lady up in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.
As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!!"
The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.....It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Q: What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?
A: A Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and the scientific name and a Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.
A white lady on business arrived in LA in the heat of the rioting. She was very nervous and distressed about her safety and the danger she felt lurked around every corner. After checking in at the front desk she headed to the elevator.
Upon arriving at the elevator there were already three black men on it. She quickly debated with herself about the situation. "This is ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men, here in the middle of a reputable hotel. Ok, no problem, I'm going to ride this elevator, etc...."
She then stepped into the elevator and quickly turned her back on the three men and faced the door. Shortly after the door closed, she heard one of the men say, "Hit the floor, lady."
She immediately dropped to her stomach in terror. Upon her quick dive for the floor the 3 men broke out hysterically in laughter. The man after all, had simply meant for her to select the floor she wished to go to. She was terribly shaken and embarrassed about the whole thing, but tried to shake it off as she had several days of business to attend to.
At the end of her stay she went to check out of the hotel and pay for her room. To her confusion the clerk informed her that her room had been taken care of. He then handed her a note and explained that it had been left by the person who had picked up the tab for the room.
And the note said :"Thanks for the best laugh I've ever had in an elevator!"
...Eddie Murphy
It is interesting how people arrive at the names to give children. When one works in an orphanage, the problem becomes even more difficult. One young fellow from Arizona had a mixed parentage. The father, a Hispanic National was a traveling salesman for one of the major insurance companies, Kemper Life, though the mother would not give any more information. The mother was from a Native American tribe in Northeastern Arizona. She called the boy Juan, after his father it was believed, and she gave him up for adoption. She left it to the kind people at the orphanage to take care of the baby, including completing his name. Eventually they arrived at a name that tied together all of his roots. People always bugged the child about his name, but he liked it. They asked how he could put up with such a motley melange, but he would stand tall and say with great pride, . . . "I am Juan Hopi Kemper.
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated
protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
PS - don't try this at home.<<
And a reply:
1. I would tend to question the use of a #4 nodulizer for extrusion of the final reaction mixture. At that point, my preference would be to dispense empirically using a teaspoon.
2. The oven temperature is too low by 4 degrees. No sense in being imprecise.
3. One substitution that might appeal to some would be crushed walnuts in place of the peanuts, green peas, or mesquite beans.
4. I think it needs more vanilla.
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again...and once more the mother says, "Not yet!"
Finally one of the anxious relatives says, "Well then...when can we see the baby?!?"
And the elderly mother says, "When the baby cries!"
And he asks, "Why do we all have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put the damn thing..."
Graffiti compiled from toilet walls:
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
... Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
... Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
... The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra/Bud Ice Penguin
... Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
... Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
... Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
... The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
... Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
... Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
... Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Express Lane: Five beers or less
... Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.
You're too good for him.
... Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
... Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
... On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet,
- O'Ryan's -Irish Pub, Ashland, OR
You know how Canadians always end their sentences with "eh?", eh? Well, when the first settlers in the "Great White North" were trying think of a name for their great, white, northern country, they experienced a bit of "founders' block" and couldn't come up with anything impressive enough. They cogitated and rubbed their skulls a bit more, and decided on a plan.
The founders wrote each letter of the alphabet on a little piece of paper. Next, they dumped them into a hat and scrambled them up. One volunteered to wear a blindfold, dug into the hat and picked out a piece of paper. The fellow then handed it to another, who read it aloud. The meeting transpired like this:
"C...eh? N...eh? D...eh?"
...and everyone shouted, "That's it!!!, eh?"
A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, and makes $55,555.55 a year. He strongly believes his lucky number is 5.
One day he says, "What the hell?!" and he goes to the horsetrack. As luck would have it there was a horse named 'Lucky Number 5.' Of course, he bets $5,555.55 on horse 'Lucky Number 5.' He goes up into the bleachers and sits in row number 5. 5 seconds later, the race starts. He says "Yes! I can't lose! 5 is my lucky number!"
'Lucky Number 5' comes in 5th.
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Once there were two star football players that had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. So, after a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in. The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. "Why?" the coach asked. The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read "I don't know." The coach said that it didn't prove anything. So, the teacher handed him the second test. The answer read "I don't know either."
10 words that don't exist, but should:
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
A jew, italian and a frenchman are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????"
"Yes, Strawberries."
"I'm so sorry.....but they are out of season !"
"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."
It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know...
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.

LIGHTING CHARCOAL GRILLS
or
WHY ENGINEERS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE...

Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department.
Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner." If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.
From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).
By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.
On Gobel's Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.
There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."
Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, to spit.
Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud.
Engineers are like that."
A Newfie (OK, I heard this growing up in Canada) is invited to his friend's cottage for the weekend, to hunt. The first night, they stay up until the wee hours, drinking and playing cards. The next morning, the Newfie is raring to go, of course, but his Ontarian host is much the worse for wear. After finding himself unable to even face a cup of coffee, the host finally says "I just can't do it, I'm too hung over. Tell you what, you take my gun and my dogs and go out hunting by yourself."
Much to his surprise, the Newfie is back in less than an hour. "What happened???" the host asks.
"I ran out of dogs..." answers the Newfie.
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No way! You get violent when you drink."
There once were 2 Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. And as a part of being the best of friends, as best friends will do, they spent a lot of time together, at their favorite public house, imbibing. During one particular night of revelry, the 2 agreed that "when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish wiskey over the grave of fondly missed and recently dead friend". And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friends illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn", says Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn speaks back "Yes, Paddy, I can".
Bashfully, Pat starts "Do, do you remember our pact, Shawn?".
"Yes, I do Pat", Shawn strains.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of wiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?", says Pat.
"Yes, Pat, I do", wispers Shawn.
"It's a very *old* bottle now, you know", urges Pat.
"And what are you geting at Pat", replys Shawn, briskly.
"Well, Shawn, when I pour the wiskey over your grave, would you mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin."
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, "As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO."
The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds. "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis:
According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur
Prove: Barney is Satan
1) Start with the given:
C U T E P U R P L E D I N O S A U R
2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3) Extract all Roman Numerals:
C V V L D I V
4) Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5) Add all the numbers:
666
Coincidence? I think NOT!
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!"-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.
Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).
The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ...
[However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.
We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
KIDS QUOTES:
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
wind is like the air, only pushier.
ACTUAL Warnings on labels from various countries:
USA:
An insect spray boasts "Kill all insects", but adds "Warning - harmful to bees." (Very thoughtful, that).
SWEDEN:
On the packaging of a chainsaw: "Do not try to stop chain with hands."
BRITAIN:
-Marks & Spencer bread and butter pudding has a warning on the box bottom: "Take care - product will be hot after heating."
-From Rowenta: "Do not iron clothes on body."
-From Boots (chain of pharmacies & manufacturer of pharmaceuticals), on a cough syrup for young children urges: "Do not drive car or operate machinery. Avoid alcoholic drinks." (This must be meant for *very* precocious kids).
ITALY:
Label on a cigarette lighter: "Do not light flame near the face."
KOREA:
On the box of a kitchen knife: "Warning - may be dangerous to children." (Translation difficulties might explain this one).
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

24. Computers
Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
        IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
        THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
        VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
        ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
        ELSE
        GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

33. The Zodiac
ARES (March 21 to April 19): Chickens born under the sign of Ares are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20): Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20): They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they do not know what is on the other side and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22): While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side.
LEO (July 20 to August 22): Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They need plenty of drama and color to escape a normal, humdrum existence. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunities it provides.
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22): Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22): Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They are compelled to think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making crossing the road always a considerable risk to themselves and others.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21): Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21): These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world. , and a spirit which longs to be free.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19): Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18): Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20): Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.

And you think you're having a bad day...

  1. Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned.
  2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
  3. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
  4. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
  5. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman.
  6. Two vegetarian, animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
  7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on his letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glas bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imgaine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something.....! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea", he said, " I wonder if you would tell me about this", (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes", she replied, " Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter"!!
A highly timid Casper Milquetoast, a little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "................ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"Bullshit!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Dear Doctor Science,
How does a thermos know whether to keep a liquid hot or cold?
-- Gwen Ellyn, Menomonee, Wisconsin
A small genie named Thermal lives inside these bottles. Thermal is the prisoner of a series of magic spells, which keep him imprisoned and give him power over liquid temperatures. Actually, it's not much of a power for a genie and quite a comedown from Thermal's previous powers, which included household mischief and crop damage. I don't own a thermos bottle myself. I prefer tepid liquids. But if you own a thermos and Thermal appears before you offering you three wishes in exchange for freedom, I'd make it a point to clean your thermos more frequently.
Some more terms for the TECHNO OFFICE DICTIONARY
PerotTo quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
CLM (Career-Limiting Move)Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
TreewareHacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
DilbertedTo be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
World Wide WaitThe real meaning of WWW.
CGI JoeA hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito SyndromeFeelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse ArrestGetting busted for violating an on-line service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
GlazingCorporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
Dead Tree EditionThe paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Graybar LandThe place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open-Collar WorkersPeople who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The BirdTo transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready... what time do we squirt the bird?"
Cobweb SiteA World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a FeatureFrom the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard PlaqueThe disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
AdminisphereThe rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray MatterOlder, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Salmon DayThe experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
404Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message, "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located. "Don't bother asking him, he's 404".
411Information, to provide information, or to point someone in the right direction. From the telephone number to phone company information lines. "Thanks for the 411"
Back when Nixon was running for president I was driving on the highway. There were of course billboards lining the highway, one of which read, "one out of every three adults has a mental disorder." The very next billboard read, "Nixon's the one."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by the two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up between them and entered the small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your mother."
Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
-- Hedy Lamarr
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-- Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-- Gilda Radner
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-- Linda Ellerbee
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Roast Ghost

KAY MARTIN, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbours. But there were no chickens anywhere.
Then Martin realised with horror that the sound was coming from her own kitchen--coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier. "It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave," she says. "It was so bizarre I just froze."
As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away. Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the vocal chords were intact. "Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing," says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to squawk. She has not cooked chicken since.
The 12/23/97 Boston Globe, in an article on medical malpractice, announced:
Indefinite suspension of Dr. Donald Pugatch's license for practicing psychiatry while impaired by alcohol, drugs, and mental instability.
Cool. Must be a pretty hard license to get.
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
If Microsoft bought McDonalds...
There were two brothers who were national yodeling champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would have it there was a beautiful farmer's daughter at the house.
The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodeling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble, and meant for the other one to run.
Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with his daughter. The next morning the farmer was up before dawn, and caught his daughter in the bed with one of the brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start counting, and if the guy wasn't out of his sight by the count of 5 he would shoot him.
Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping over the fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodeled the tune to warn his brother of impending doom, when the farmer suddenly shot him.
The other brother came running out of his room and said, "What happened?"
The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and, although I gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, "I laid the old lady, too," so I shot him.
A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.
"Show me what you got, Pete," said the Texan. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.
"We've got that in Texas. We call it Supreme Ranch" said Texan St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.
"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."
Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.
"We don't have that," said the Texan, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."

Advertising and translation...

  1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
  2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
  3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
  4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
  5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.
  6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
  7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
  8. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
  9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
  10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
  11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the actress Sharon Stone.
"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ?
"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.
Two Quebecers walk into a pet store. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section. Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre "Dats dem". The store clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yea , we'll take four of dem dere bird in dat cage up dere" says Jean-Marc, "Put Dem in a paper bag". The clerk does and the two guys leave the store.
They get into Jean-Marc's truck and drive for three hours until they are high up in the hills and stop at the face of a large cliff with a 500 foot drop. "Dis look like a good place eh?" says Jean-Pierre, "Oh yea! Dis it look good" replied Jean-Marc."
They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss, "Tabernac! I guess me I got to go first eh?"says Jean-Pierre. Jean-Pierre takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Jean-Marc watches as is buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a "SPLAT".
As Jean-Marc looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says, "F?#% dis. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!!!!"

The Butcher and the Dog

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".
Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"
Current Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, goes by the nickname "Bibi". His wife, in contrast to most Israeli "first ladies", plans to take a more activist role in her country's affairs. Thus, it would be appropriate when the first summit conference is held between Israel and the PLO to have Mrs. Netanyahu introduce her husband to the PLO leader Arafat by saying, "Yasir, that's my Bibi"

Seven Software Companies Added To "Watch List"

New York-People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."
Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary Windows and is infested with bugs.
"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.

Farm Yard Johnnie

A primary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students. During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, "Moooo!"
"Very good, Cindie," replied the teacher," and what sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "And what sound does a pig make?"
All the children in the class raised their hands all at once! She was surprised at the response.
"Lil' Johnnie, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes," she encouraged.
He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, "Up against the wall and spread 'em, you little thief!!"
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."
This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...
A Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy...
This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer...
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."
A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said...
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
An ornithologist I know, both a lover as well as an expert on all birds, claims that all too often the stork is held responsible for circumstances which might better be attributed to a lark.
Members of the Polish government are having a discussion on how to develop a flashy reputation for Poland. One of the members suggests they send a Polish cosmonaut to the Moon. Another member counters that the U.S. has already done that, and what they need is something unique. So the first member says, "Then let's send a man to the Sun!". All the other members start laughing hysterically. Finally one of the members catches his breath long enough to say, "You idiot, if we flew a man to the Sun he'd burn up!". The dim witted member shoots back, "Then we can have him fly at night!".
A Little Quiz to see how your mind works :)
No cheating! READ this sentence:
        FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
        SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
        IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
        THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again. Then see below...
Answer below (scroll down) ...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".
Christmas in da hood
'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway.... I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.
We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.
Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.
Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said,
"Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,
and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.
He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that booty waitin' at home.
And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
was a loud and hearty..... "WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!
There is report of a 2 seater private plane which crashed into a large cemetary in Poland.
The Polish Fire Dept has reported recovering over 300 bodies and are still digging.....
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking. The young trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Charlie Harris been hanging out ? I haven't seen him for a while."
The Senior Exec replied "Haven't you heard ? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky."
"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right ? What did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."
Romance, Country Folk Style
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue,
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's, And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, But I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop, Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven! - I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me, back in '74.
Still them fellers at work, They all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles, And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler, Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger, Named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug, A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant, Upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern, Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life, Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight, Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old, Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks, And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, With a RC cold drank,
We go together; Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate, For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses, On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds, From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, These will not do.
For you are too special, You sweet thang you.
Bill Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement home. He went up to a woman and shook her hand and said "Do you know who I am?"
"No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!"
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, the first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300, a week's unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600. a week.
When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter".

The New Managed Friendship Plan

Welcome to (INSERT YOUR COMPANY) Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships at work.
With all the recent mergers and buyouts, it is difficult for most people to determine who their real friends are anymore. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with company-approved representation and important cost-saving features.

How Does It Work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

What's Wrong with my Current Friends?
If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.

How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.

What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?
You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

What is a Friendship Emergency?
The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.

What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:

*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan

What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):

How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.

Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?

Have a really GOOD day.
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience, "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
There once was a king who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he arranged and shared with them. As will happen, the king died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they finally ousted him. This was a truly a significant event because it's the first time a reign was ever called on account of game.
Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curve ball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike. His change up made the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt. He was indeed awesome! Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him? Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol. Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good. But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him. Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series. After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me," he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"? In unison they replied, .... "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!
Actually, this story concerns three elderly ladies, a large bottle of Jack Daniels (Black Label), and a baseball game. In addition, you get to be a detective. Our three protagonists went to their first Rangers game, something that was an occasion of great excitement to them. To add to the excitement, they smuggled a bottle of booze into the game, and started immediately to enhance the soft drinks they bought. It was a good game. There was a lot of action on the field and a lot of action in the stands. All too soon, long before the game was over, the bottle was nearly empty. By now, I have given you enough information to be able to tell us how far along we are in the game, and what the status of the game is. It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account, right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damned lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this damned bitch here is giving you a hard time?
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
Yesterday I went into an antiquarian music store, wanting to buy a Mick Jagger solo album. Unfortunatedly, I tripped, and the Jagger LP went flying out of my hand like a frisbee and broke two records featuring Jim McGuinn, David Crosby, Chris Hillman, Gene Clark and Michael Clarke. Sadly, I had to pay. As he was collecting the damages, the owner said, ...
"You killed two Byrds with one Stone!"
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

To preserve, Protect, Perpetuate and Promote the Traditional Cat.

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever be Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." - Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"
"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'
Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

Subject: Top 10 Reasons to live in - Canadian Provinces

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

  1. Weed
  2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
  3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
  4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
  5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
  6. A university with a nude beach
  7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
  8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
  9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
  10. Cannabis

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

  1. Big Rock
  2. Preston Manning
  3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
  4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
  5. Flames vs. Oilers
  6. Stamps vs. Eskies
  7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
  8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
  9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
  10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATEWAN

  1. You never run out of wheat
  2. Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats
  3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
  4. Your province is really easy to draw
  5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
  6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
  7. YOUR Roughriders survived
  8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
  9. People will assume you live on a farm
  10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

  1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beach front property
  2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
  3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
  4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
  5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
  6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
  7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
  8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
  9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off
  10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

  1. You live in the center of the universe
  2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
  3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
  4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
  5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
  6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city
  7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
  8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
  9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
  10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

  1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
  2. Racism is socially acceptable
  3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
  4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
  5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
  6. The PQ, FLQ, St. Jean Baptiste Society, etc.
  7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
  8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
  9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
  10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

  1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken celtic fiddlers
  2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
  3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
  4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
  5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
  6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
  7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
  8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
  9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
  10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

  1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war. .. by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
  2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
  3. Everyone is a fiddle player
  4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass
  5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
  6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal
  7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
  8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
  9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
  10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

  1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge
  2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
  3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
  4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
  5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
  6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave
  7. You can drive across the province in two minutes
  8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
  9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter
  10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

  1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
  2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
  3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
  4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
  5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
  6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
  7. The work day is about two hours long
  8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
  9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
  10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pullin' on that string. It'll come back to ya'!"
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a teacher the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the schools long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely ..... "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.
Kids Say the Darndest Things
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
I am cat
cat I am
I will not eat
My pill with ham
I will not take it with a mouse
I will not take it in a house
I will not take it dont you see
I will not take it Cat is me
I will not take it in the yard
I will not take it in the car
I will not take this pill you fool
I will not take it in a pool
I'll no more take this pill than ye
Would choose a store to take a P*&
I will not take it if you plead
I will not take it when you bleed.
I will not take it when you beg
I will not take it with a Keg
I'll nae take it naer ye try
I'll just flick it in yer eye
I wont eat it try again
Wont eat it when yer on a cane
wont even take it when ye die
No matter how ye try and try
I will not eat it thank ye maam
I am a cat I am I am!
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside.
"Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A Cake?" Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife, and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"
Sandy McDonald, a long time and respected resident of a small Scottish town, passed away.
His wife, Maggie, went to the newspaper to place an obituary. She asked how much it would be. When the newspaper man told her, she was a little shocked by the price.
She asked him, "Since Sandy was such a highly regarded resident of this town, couldn't you do it for nothing?"
"No", said the man. "But, I will give you three words, free."
Maggie answered, "Well, we could just say, ' McDonald is dead."
The newspaper man, then said, "I have just been thinking. Since Sandy was such a highly respected resident of our town, I think I could make that six words, free."
"Oh," said Maggie. "Then we could say, "McDonald is dead. Bicycle for sale."
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!
    St. Patrick was a gentleman
    Who through strategy and stealth
    Drove all the snakes from Ireland.
    Here's toasting to his health.
    But not too many toastings
    Lest you lose yourself and then
    Forget the good St. Patrick
    And see all those snakes again.
    May the leprechauns be near you,
    To spread luck along your way.
    And may all the Irish angels,
    Smile upon you St. Patrick's Day.
Q. What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
A. Gaelic breath.
Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. How do you identify an Irish helicopter?
A. It has ejector seats.
Irish Mastermind Champion
Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said magnus, Your first Question,
"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'
Seamus resonds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?",
Seamus Responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, "How long did the Easter Rising Last?"
Seamus Responds.. "Pass"
Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...."
The Deaf Mule
An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf. So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal often continued plowing. Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There was a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could here was me singing my liltimg melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but .... my riled Irish whoa's!"
Blarney Stone: A hated Irish dinosaur, on drugs.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Chinese man's face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, get lost! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in the Chinese man's face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
A large, two-engined train was making it's way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there." the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, (if you didn't guess) the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.
The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane!"
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living plants? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Hey, What's the Definition of...
AbusiveWhat's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?
AmbivalanceWell, it could be yes and it could be no.
AmnesiaI forget.
AntipathyYou would have to ask me that.
AmorousI love the way you ask that question.
ApathyI don't care.
ApologeticI'm sorry that you have to ask me that.
ArgumenativeAre you looking for a fight?
AuthoritarianI'll tell you when you can ask me questions!
BigotryI'm not going to tell someone like you.
BlasphemousGod Dammit, I told you not to ask!
CompulsiveI want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!
ConditionalWell, it depends.
DamnationYou and your questions can go to hell!
DepressedYou would have to ask me that.
DyslexicGniees sdrawkcab.
EgotisticalI'm the best person to answer that question.
EvasiveHave you done your homework today?
ExhaustedI'm too tired to answer you right now.
FlatulentThat question really stinks!
GreedyWhat's in it for me if I tell you?
HemorrhoidsYou know, this is a real pain in the butt!
HostilityIf you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!
HypochondriacalThe thought of it makes me sick.
IgnoranceI don't know.
IndifferenceIt doesn't matter.
InfluenzaYou've got to be sick to ask me that question.
InsecureI don't think I want to know thesanswer to that question.
InsensitiveI don't care if you don't know the answer.
InsomniaI stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Intoxicated** BURP **
IrreverentI swear to God, you ask too many questions!
MasturbationI can single-handedly answer that question.
NarcissismBefore I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
NauseaThat question is going to make me vomit.
NonchalantIt's not important.
ObstinateI'm not going to tell you.
Over-ProtectiveI don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Over-SensitiveHow could you ask me a question like that?
ParanoidYou think I don't know the answer, don't you?
PessimisticI'm sure I won't give the right answer.
ProcrastinationI'll tell you tomorrow.
RepetitiveI already told you the answer once before.
SarcasticThat's a stupid question to ask me.
SecretiveI can't tell you right now.
SeductiveLets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.
Self-CenteredWell, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
SenileWhen I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.
SubjectiveIt's all in how you look at the question.
SuspiciousWhy are you asking me all these questions?
TemperamentalWhat the heck do you want to know that for???
Withdrawn 
Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks...she just died and left me everything!"
YO' MAMA IS SO FAT:
When she haul ass she gotta make two trips.
When she dances she makes the band skip.
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 18 years to live.
She put mayonnaise on aspirin.
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.
When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
She sell shade.
When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
People jog around her for exercise.
I ran around her twice and got lost.
She gets runs in her jeans.
Her blood type is Ragu.
When she goes to a restaurant, she don't get a menu, she get an estimate.
If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
She can't even jump to a conclusion.
She broke her leg and gravy dripped out.
She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
This week: Our own distinguished professor Orif Barrubgtib has discovered one of the lost dialogs of Plato, related to The Crito and The Phaedo, which I feel is relevant to our Monday morning activity. For your edification, I shall reproduce a section below.
THE ESPRESSO by Plato
Lobotomos: Is it true, Socrates, that the decaffeinated life is not worth living?
Socrates: Not only is it true, Lobotomos, but upon careful reflection it is patent. For is not reason the foundation of virtue?
Lobotomos: Certainly, Socrates.
Socrates: And without virtue, there would be no reason.
Lobotomos: Of course, Socrates.
Socrates: And reason requires wakefulness.
Lobotomos: No one could possibly deny it, Socrates.
Socrates: And it is quite impossible to be truly awake on a Monday morning without caffeine.
Lobotomos: How truly you speak, Socrates.
Socrates: Thus virtue ergo reason needs wakefulness via caffeine. Q.E.D.
Lobotomos: I see now that must certainly be the case, Socrates.
A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife's routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class.
"After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy," the man reported, "taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time."
"Did it work?", the teacher asked.
"It sure did," replied the businessman, "instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven."
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangalist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with him and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area."
So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey. He said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat.
Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck.
On the fifth day when he called John asked Richard how Gracile was and Richard told him. "Gracile is dead"!! Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack.
When he recovered he said to Richard, "that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, well she's OK but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell me oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news.
"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless."
John accepted Richards apology for being so uncaring, and then said, "oh, by the way, how's Mother?"
Richard then said, "well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!!"
H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
R.U.S.S.I.A. - Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.
M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
B.A.L.I.W.A.G. - Beauty And Love I Will Always Give.
M.A.L.A.B.O.N. - May A Lasting Affair Be Ours Now.
I.M.U.S. - I Miss U, Sweetheart.
P.A.S.I.G. - Please Always Say I'm Gorgeous.
C.E.B.U. - Change Everything... But Us.
P.E.R.U. - Porget Everyone... Remember Us.
P.A.R.A.N.A.Q.U.E. - Please Always Remain Adorable, Nice And Quiet Under Ecstacy.
T.O.N.D.O. - Tonight's Our Night, Dearest One.
P.A.S.A.Y. - Pretty And Sexy Are You.
Y.E.M.E.N. - 'Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.
M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O. - Men Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only.
Y.A.M.A.H.A. - You Are My Angel! Happy Anniversary!
P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S. - Pumping Hot.. I Love It! Please Please.. I Need Erotic Stimulation!
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. After paying her a scandalous amount of money, the psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table and she begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat responds. "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me," is the response.
"It's really, really you grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled. "You're SURE it's you grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter - I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment. "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child," comes the response.
The woman pauses another moment before asking, "Grandmother -- when did you learn to speak English?"
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -- it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemmingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
-- David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-- Oscar Wilde
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot.
-- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was possibly this guy he met once named George, but the body was so badly burned, he needed somebody to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe came over to the body and said, "He's burned pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician said nothing. He then brought in Al.
Al takes a look at the body and said, "Wow, he's burned to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, the same reply, "Nope, that ain't George."
The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Al replied, "George had two assholes."
The mortician then said, "What?! How could he have two assholes?"
Then Al replied, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, 'Here comes George with those two assholes!'"
No I know the olympics are over and done with, but as a Canadian, I have to send out this joke in honor of Canadian snowboard gold medalist Ross Rebagliati
It's sung to the tune of O Canada!
Oh Cannabis,
Our homegrown native plant.
Rolled up and smoked,
Gives life a pleasant slant.
With glowing tip, we see thee rise,
The "happy smoke" - strong and free.
From far and wide, oh Cannabis,
We stand on guard for thee.
(against the RCMP!)
God keep our plant,
Growing strong and free.
Oh Cannabis, we all get stoned from thee.
Oh Cannabis, we all get stoned from thee.
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
-- Jay Leno
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
So it seems that Bill Gates and Scott McNealy were playing a friendly game of Frisbee on the Gates estate on the shore of Lake Washington. At one point, Bill accidentally sends the Frisbee over Scott's head, and the Frisbee lands in the lake. Scott walks out onto the surface of the lake and retrieves the Frisbee.
The next day the newspapers report:
GATES THROW EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS
Sun CEO Unable to Swim
Remember the "Mad Cow" epidemic? Here's an actual news release from that time:
PHNOM PENH, March 29 (Reuter) - While much of the world shuns British cows, a Cambodian newspaper suggested on Friday that the animals be shipped to Cambodia and allowed to roam free and detonate the millions of land mines littering the country.
"The English have 11 million mad cows and Cambodia has roughly the same number of equally mad land mines. Surely the solution to Cambodia's mine problem is here before our very eyes in black and white," the Cambodia Daily said.
"The plan is simple, practical, and will make mince-meat of the problem overnight," the paper said.
The Cambodian countryside is strewn with millions of land mines, the legacy of decades of war and civil strife.
~~~
...Which leads us to today's Cow Palindrome:
Moo! ...BOOM!
A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property. Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son incredulously replied, "That's a jack rabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em alot bigger'n at back home in Texas." So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said "Those are buffalo, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?" The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar --it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what the heck is that thing!?"
The son replied, without missing a beat, "Wood tick".
I do not care whether they allow gays in the military or not, because the whole idea of the military strikes me as completely absurd. I do not understand the desire to pick up a gun and go off and shoot strangers when there are so many loved ones I'd like to take a shot at first. I'd have to reload several times to get every one on my particular hit list of love.
-- E.L. Greggory
The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher."
"Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman."
"Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."
A guy walks into a bar carrying a dog which has no legs. He places the legless dog on the bar table, and the bartender says, "Hey, what happened to your dog?"
The guy says, "He was born that way". The bartender then says, "What's his name?" The guy answers, "I never named him".
The bartender then said, "What a shame - no legs, no name, why didn't you at least give the poor pooch a name?"
The guy said, "Because he wouldn't come if you called him."
Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bath robe.
"Kate my wife," he says, "whatever is the matter? Yer still in yer robe."
"Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen,' he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is."
"Ah lass, I don't know either, but if you high yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy, she'll be able to tell ye."
Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs.
Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing.
"Kate, what ever happened?"
"I told Mrs. Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her hat . . . and the fight was on."
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000. and another $500,000. to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000. to each. Last year business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives, and I know they're going to find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.
A reporter walked up to a group of four guys on the street. There was a Saudi Arabian, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. He asked them "Excuse me, whats your opinion of the meat shortage?"
The Saudi replied "whats a shortage?"
The Russian asked "what is meat?"
The North Korean said "what is an opinion."
And the New Yorker says: "what's excuse me."
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.
Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who is it?"
"It's the Lord"
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Help me!"
"Let go."
Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Let go. I will catch you."
"Is anybody else up there?"

When Choosing A Mate,
Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers

DOCTORS

Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER

Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN

See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.

Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

TEACHER

The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

MINISTER

See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys".
THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:
Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy, and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So here's my story... what else can I say?
Love bite my ass... Fuck Valentines Day!
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?
"Well the Scot was still haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
I was sitting at my terminal cleaning errors on the mainframe system when a question I had been pondering for the past day popped into my head. Since the woman next to me had not gone to lunch yet, I swiveled my chair around to face her and asked,
"What is the name of the type of battery that is rectangular in shape and has the two positive and negative knobs on the top?" (I was referring to nine-volt batteries -- I know, I'm capable of being very uneducated at times.)
Without thinking, she responded, "Oh, ever since I got married to my husband I don't worry about batteries."
I valued my life at the time, so I kept my mouth shut.
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water !
A few nights ago, a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!"
So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland."
"My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor.
Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
And Nicklause says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"
He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the call and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Nicklause says: "What is your handicap."
Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie Wonder: "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only ever play for money, and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks about it and says "O.K. I am game for that, when would you like to play."
Stevie Wonder turns around and says "I don't mind, any night suits me."
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whisky. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whisky and you won't get worms!"
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Why not try to match some these comments, which are quotes reportedly taken from actual performance evaluations.
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and soon, I hope."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack of making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ. reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other."
LETTER FROM CAMP
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love
Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

News Flash:

In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1998.
"Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998."
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity conglomerates."
"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time.

The Parsley

This morning on the drive to work my wife Alene and I were talking, and the subject of pigs and chickens came up. You know, the ham-and-eggs breakfast: the chicken is involved but the pig is committed.
At PARC we used the terms to indicate one's level of comittment to a project. A chicken would do some work but drop it if something else came up, while a pig would make it the focus of all his (or her) work.
Alene came up with yet another level of involvement: parsley. The parsley is just sort of there. It doesn't really contribute anything, but it has to be acknowledged. Sort of like a thesis advisor...
A SUPPOSED TRUE FINALS STORY
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) Which tire?
A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
The team members stood there, dumfounded! Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."
One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing beside him:
"You are my caddie for today?"
"Yes," answered the boy.
"You are good in finding lost balls?"
"Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"
"Ok, boy, the run and search one, then we can start!"
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
Did you hear about the skew-eyed javelin thrower...
He didn't break any records, but he sure kept the crowd on their feet!
Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icey highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two"' and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.
Well, when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil himself.
As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"
The bad-ass biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"
The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch.
The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it now?"
Still the bad-ass biker responds by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."
Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets.
The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it. Undaunted, the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"
Now the Devil is just plain pissed, so he turns the thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"
With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote: "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote: "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"
If you know the Chinese version of the famous poem by Li Bai, you will appreciate the Singlish version better.
Very funny revised versions of Li Bai's poem...must know a bit of Hokkien to understand...read on...

(English Version)
'The moon light is pouring down on my bedside
like white frost spreading on the ground
I look up the bright round moon in the sky
and lower my head thinking of my dear hometown'
--Li Bai
(Singlish Version)
'Bedfront Moon Bright Bright
Think is Floor White White
Lift Head see Moon Moon
Bow Head Miss Home Home....
(Ah-Beng Version)
'Bedfront Orr Pi Sai (pick nose)
Think Think Go Pang Sai (go shit)
Look up in the sky
Poem is a waste of time.'
(latest Reservist Army version)
'Bedfront Lauuuuu Bark Sai (tears drop)
Think Think have to go Excercise ( Reservist mobilization)
Drop dead look into the sky (Run until no breathe)
Tong Kor Sia Lang Chai (My heartache nobody knows)...'
A director is out of town on a shoot when he gets a frantic call from his assistant in Los Angeles.
She goes on to tell him that his agent went to his house, raped his wife, stole the stereo, kicked the dog, and burnt down the place down.
The director took a deep breath and then said, "my agent came to my house?!!"
What is the difference between dogs and cats?
Dog: "they feed me, love me and take care of me: they must be gods."
Cat: "they feed me, love me and take care of me: I must be a god!"
The Month After Christmas
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Startrek The Next Generation:

Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard: But surely we must not be late!
Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker: Not me.
Worf: Not me.
Picard: Computer, how long til we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --
Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...
Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.
Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!
Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.
Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.
Picard: Then make it so!
As the forman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was suprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."
The forman gives him a stern talking to as the other men watched and orders him back to work. During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.
Furious at his disobedience the forman fires him on the spot.To his surprise every worker in the room begins packing up their tools and leaving.
He stops one worker and says, "Why are all of you leaving?"
To which the reply is "You don't expect us to work without light do you?"
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
Here's something educational for yas....
----------
Bureaucracies and old standards never die...
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts?
The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
Specifications and Bureaucracies live forever!
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
(Re-printed from Musik Magazine - by Adelaide Dugdale)
Drugs. They may not be big and they're obviously not clever, but they're all the rage with the young people. We know because we've read it in the papers. But are you on Drugs? How can you tell? And which drugs are you on? Avoid drug confusion by following this simple guide...
  1. It's midnight on saturday. What are you doing?
    1. Flying around the Forest of Narnia butt naked, on a rainbow coloured ukulele, farting the tune to "Howards Way".
    2. Slpattering a large doner kebab over the sheep skin covered back seat of a taxi.
    3. In a club toilet cubicle.
    4. Comatose on the sofa in your front room.
    5. Peering into the smoked mirror in the bogs, marvelling at the saucer-like appearance of your dilated pupils.
  2. What item do you not like leaving home without?
    1. A pair of hologram glasses.
    2. A pint of milk in your stomach.
    3. A credit card and a $20 note.
    4. Can't remember. Sorry, what was the question?
    5. Chewing gum and a handfull of chupper chups
  3. On your way into town, an old biddy pushes in the queue for the bus. What is your reaction?
    1. Intense paranoia, following by saying, "Old lady, your face is melting. You must allow me to tickle you if you are to survive!"
    2. Burping into her face and waving your can in her general direction, you inform her that her behaviour is just. Not. Cricket. Hic.
    3. Pushing her up against the bus shelter and asking her (nicely) not to do it again.
    4. Smile benevolently and let everyone onto the bus before you. Then five minutes later realise you forget to board it yourself.
    5. You were much too buisy dancing up and down the pavement to notice.
  4. There's a classy bit of skirt/trousers eyeing you up over the rim of their glasses. What's your chat up line?
    1. Wow, you look...You look like the three headed dog at the gate of Hades.
    2. Do you like your eggs fertilised in the morning?
    3. Christ, you're almost as sexy as I am!
    4. Er...sorry, have you told me your name already? I can't remember.
    5. Do you want a head massage?
  5. You decide to stop off at the 24-hour garage on the way home. What's in your shopping basket?
    1. A fan belt, bubblegum, a garden gnome and a pair of stockings.
    2. A packet of Alka-Seltzer and a family bag of chips.
    3. Throat spray, a packet of razor blades, a box of tissues and a box of Ferrero Rocherm 'caus you fancy yourself as a flash git.
    4. Seven packets of Rizlas, a selection of chocolate and some fags.
    5. A crate of Powerade and a Vickes inhaler.
  6. You've pulled and gone back to yours. Trouble is, you can't perform. What's up (or rather, isn't)?
    1. Your partner has fucked off after you 'fessed up a secret fantasy involving her/his mum.
    2. Jus' pish off. I'm having a few problems in the tackle department, right?
    3. Your nose bled all over your other half.
    4. You're in causualty after you called her by the wrong name - again.
    5. You've spent the last three hours shagging wildly and caused a nastly bit of chafing.
Conclutions
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.
The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told.
When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
The voice says, "Damn."
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The neighbour came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbour stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."
This guy rides into town on his horse and heads straight for the saloon. He goes to the bartender, hands him a pail, and says, "I'd like a martini that'll fill this bucket."
The bartender says, "You could never drink a martini that size!." The man says, "Oh, it's not for me, it's for my horse." "Well, this I've got to see!," says the bartender, and he mixes the huge drink.
The two then go out to the horse, and the horse consumes the entire beverage in one long, loud sip. The bartender says, "That was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen! How about I mix ~you~ a drink, on the house?"
"Oh my, no," says the man. "I never drink and drive!"
* * Starkle, starkle, little twink,*
* * *
* Who the hell are you I think. * *
* * *
* * I'm not under what you call *
* * *
* The alcofluence of incohol. * *
* * *
* * I'm just a little slort of sheep, *
* * *
* I'm not drunk like thinkle peep. * *
* * *
* * I don't know who is me yet, *
* * *
* But the drunker I stand here the longer I get. * *
* * * * *
* * So just give me one more fink to drill my cup, *
* * * *
* 'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up. * *
* * * * * *
NYSE ADMITS: THIS IS ALL MAKE BELIEVE
NEW YORK--New York Stock Exchange officials released a statement Monday admitting that the exchange, one of the primary means by which the nation's economic health is measured, is in reality a made-up and largely random mishmash of numbers and meaningless statistics. "The whole 'stock exchange' idea came about around the turn of the century at the request of publisher William Randolph Hearst, who was looking for something to fill the back half of his New York Journal," NYSE's Ian Silver said. "So a man named Henry Tillman came up with the idea of a 'stock-ticker' device, which spewed out reams of bogus numbers for Hearst to reprint." NYSE has no plans to disband.
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine."
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"
Three couples were on their way to a party in a minivan one winter evening, and as they were rounding the turn the driver lost control of the vehicle, which ran off the road and down a hillside, bursting into flame and killing everyone inside.
Very shortly thereafter, the three couples appeared before St. Peter.
Peter pointed an accusing finger at one of the men and said, "YOU? All YOU ever thought about in life was drinking! You drank every morning, every evening, on the weekends, at lunch...you even married a girl named Sherry!"
He pointed at the second man and said, "And YOU! You thought of nothing but money! Everything in your life had to do with greed, money, making money, keeping money, making more money...you even married a girl named Penny!"
The third man took his wife's hand and began walking away. "Come on, Fanny, I don't want to wait around to hear what he has to say to us."
Two Yuppettes were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends. The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second Yuppette.
"Well... yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."
A Radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and a UK journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK.
"Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."
"Why then?"
"That's when they left."
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the rinse cycle!"
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.
I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
4 men are bragging about their dogs and how smart they are. The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third man a chemist and the fourth a Government worker.
To show off, the engineer called his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good too.
But the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was really good too.
The 3 men turned to the government worker and said , "What can your dog do?"
The Government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other 3 dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Redneck Nativity Scene

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar"
Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.
They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who gives a shit anyhow?"
TOKYO (AP) -- Here in the chic pubs of the Aoyama district, the latest fad inspired by beer makers struggling through a sluggish economy is the flammable suds of the new Hydrogen Beer. The latest craze among the environmentally conscious crowd of twentysomethings, the "Suiso" beer made by the Asaka Beer Corporation has been extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice.
Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.
The drink comes in a transparent hexagonal bottle imported from the maker of the new American drink "Zima," according to Hideki Saito, marketing director of Asaka Beer Corp. While the bottles are imported from Tennessee, the labels are made with a 100% biodegradable polymer. The bottle caps are equipped with a safety valve to prevent excess build-up of pressure in high temperatures.
The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests took place in pubs everywhere in Tokyo on New Year's eve.
So far, Asaka beer has insisted that the quantities of hydrogen used in the drinks is too low to create potential for bodily harm. In the factory, the carbon dioxide that is dissolved in the beer is partially extracted and replaced with hydrogen gas. Mr. Saito maintained that the remaining carbon dioxide mixed with hydrogen prevents the rate of combustion from increasing dramatically.. Carbon dioxide is a nonflammable gas that is naturally contained in the exhaled breath of humans.
However, the company has hesitated from marketing the product in the US due to legal complications.
Each bottle of Suiso beer sells for approximately 1,200 yen, or eleven US dollars. The bottles are packed in special crates lined with concrete to prevent chain explosions in the event of a fire.
A homeless man sits on a subway bench next to a man in a 3-piece suit. Irritated by the intrusion of the "bum", the suit opens his paper and tries to read, but the bum is mumbling over and over, "Looks like a rock, but feels like rubber...I'll be damned!"
Irritated again, the suit says, "Are you talking to me?" The bum says, "No, not really---I was just looking at this thing here. It looks like a rock, but it feels like rubber. See?"
Interested, the suit does look, and says finally, "Here, let me see it." The bum hand the item to the suit who holds it up to the light and brings it close to his eyes, smells it, and finally says, "You know, you're right ---- it does resemble a rock but has the texture and consistency of rubber. Where did you get it?"
"Outta' my nose......"
A woman was walking along the road with her daughter when they saw a working man, opening a fire hydrant with a big iron T.
"Mummi, what's the man doing there?" asked the little girl.
"Oh," the mother replied, "He's winding up the subway."
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "nope, not for my mom."
Cashier- "Well they must be for your sister then?"
Nine year old- "nope, not for my sister either."
Cashier, curious now- "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised -"Your four year old little brother??"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS
(by Chet Raymo)
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As father did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung next the modem with care
In the hope that Santa would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of computer games filling their heads.
Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan,
Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum,
To santa@toyshop.northpole.com -
Which now had been re-routed to Washington State
Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates.
All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After living a life that was simple and spare,
Santa now finds he's a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,
It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing- "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't right know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't right know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father repied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
Monday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch", said the fox.
"Wait", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.
Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behing the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey arena!
TEACHING MATH
-------------
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
From an article in this Tuesday's Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's John F. Kennedy Airport:
The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.
"We will put flies in the urinals yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."
Two engineering students bump into each other walking across campus. One of them is toting his shiny new bicycle along with him. His friend says, "Wow! I really like your new bike!" "Thanks. It was the strangest thing! I was walking across campus the other day and a beautiful young girl rode her bike up to me, got off, ripped off all her clothes, threw herself on the ground, and said 'Take whatever you want!'"
"Smart move," he replied. "There's no way her clothes would have fit you."
A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed for a job. In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last question is asked: "How much is one plus one?"
Each of them suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer. The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but I think it converges".
The physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of one"
The engineer gets up, closes the door to the office, and says "How much do you want it to be?"
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
A physics student once got the following question in an exam:
"You are given an accurate barometer. How would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper?"
He answered, "Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down 'till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string."
The examiner wasn't satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy: "Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics?"
"Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground..."
"Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again?"
"Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top..."
"...another try?...."
"Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of the skyscraper..."
"...and again?..."
"walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the stairwells."
"...One more try?"
"Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say 'Please, Mr. Janitor, if I give you this nice barometer, will you tell me the height of this building?'"
An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician all go to the same Conference. University budgets being what they are, they all stay in the same cheap hotel.
Each room has the same floor plan, has the same cheap TV, the same cheap bed, and a small bathroom. Instead of a sprinkler system, the hotel has opted for Fire Buckets.
The Engineer, Physicist, and Mathematician are all asleep in bed. At about 2AM, the Engineer wakes up because he smells smoke. He looks in the corner of the room and sees that the TV set is on fire! He dashes into the bathroom, fills the Fire Bucket to overflowing with water, and drenches the TV set. The fire goes out, and the Engineer goes back to sleep.
A little while later, the Physicist wakes because he smells smoke. He looks in the corner and sees that the TV set is on fire. He grabs a handy envelope, estimates the BTU output of the fire, scribbles a quick calculation, then dashes into the bathroom and fills the Fire Bucket with just enough water to douse the flames. He puts the fire out and goes back to sleep.
In a little while, the Mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke. He looks in the corner and sees the TV on fire. He looks into the bathroom and sees the Fire Bucket. Having determined that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep.
A mathematician, a physicist and a engineer were posed the question: what is 2 x 2 ?
The physicist takes a notebook and starts scribbling. After three frazeled days of the most complex calculations, he finds (with use of the Earth's radius, the gravitation constant, star maps and a dozen technical references) it is: "Somewhere between pi and 2 times the square root of 3."
The mathematican comes back after a week with a 30-page proof and dark rings under his eyes and proclaims: "Colleges, here is complete proof that there *IS* a unique solution."
The engineer says "Of course. It's 4."
The other two just stood there stunned. They look at each other, then turn back to the engineer, "Humph! You just memorized it!"
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!
I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front. I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front.
Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked o be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"
This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1998 Turbo Roadster. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The dude replies "A 1998 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 15 seconds the speedometer reads 320.
Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?
Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

Ineffective daily affirmations

I heard a story about a mother who was sick in bed with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted so much to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she even showed up with a surprise cup of tea.
"Why, you're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you even knew how to make tea."
"Oh, yes," the little girl replied, "I learned by watching you. I put the tea leaves in the pan and then I put in the water, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter instead."
"You what?" the mother screamed.
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, Mom, I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets..
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back..
As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about..
Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body..
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely, Edna Johnston
German scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25.000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net.
Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35.000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net.
American scientists were outrageous. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55.000 years ago had cellular telephones.
(Tip for Americans: 1 meter is about 3 feet :)
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"
The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"
"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"
As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"
At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so-, I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"
At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."
"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to 'em?"
With the holidays coming fast, here's a little recipe to mix up.
BEST EVER RUM CAKE
1 Tsp. Sugar1 or 2 Quarts of Rum
1 Cup Dried Fruit1 Cup Brown Sugar
1 Tsp. Soda1 Cup Butter
2 Large EggsBaking Powder
Lemon JuiceNuts

Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn't it? Now proceed. Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alright. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary. Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber. Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (really doesn't matter). Sample rum. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar--or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake. Check run again and go to ged.
...ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL!
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."
You know, television was actually invented in the 1890s, but they couldn't get it to work until the '40s when they came out with gaffer tape.
-- Walter Pyle, CBS
Television isn't a medium. It's a small.
-- Unknown
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
Inside every digital circuit, there's an analog signal screaming to get out.
-- Al Kovalick, Hewlett-Packard
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it don't work.
-- Gallagher
The TV business ... is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs, for no good reason.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle: they're on TV!
-- Homer Simpson
Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?"
Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"
The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"
* CEREAL *
By James Lileks
I had a favorite cereal; ate it every morning. One morn I took a look at the nutritional information and discovered that it was, in essence, oat-flecked divots of lard. I spent a monkish year choking down Grape Nuts, which resemble a bowl of rugged BBs, but with less taste. Now I just eat what's cheap. This week it's Frosted Cheerios.
The word "Frosted" on the box guarantees that the sugar is clearly visible, not hidden, just as the word "Fruit" assures you that several pieces of fruit-hued putty with Real Fruit Flavor will tumble from the box, and the word "Fiber" means that the package will have the digestive effect of consuming a Chore Boy scouring pad.
Of course, I could scorn high cereal prices and buy the store brands with the cheap graphics. The boxes say things like "if you like Fruit 'n' Fiber, you'll love Pits 'n' Chaff!" "If you like Lucky Charms, you'll love Frosted Pixie Gizzards!" If you like "Alpha Bits, you'll be temporarily confused by Toasty Random Shapes!"
The cartoon characters on these boxes look like losers who couldn't get work with a real cereal. I'm sure the cereals taste fine. But I cannot bring myself to start the day with Oaty Clown Balls, not when the mascot leers like John Wayne Gacy on the last few hours of an amphetamine jag.
Actually, I don't have to commit to a cereal for an entire week just because I have a coupon. There are single-serve containers: The Kel-Bowl-Pac. In the 60s, this was a brilliant advance in cereal technology - a small single-serving box that doubles as a bowl. It was like something "Q" division would whip up for James Bond. They came in groups of four - Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispees, Sugar Pops, and Special K, a cereal that has had the flavor scientifically extracted. The weakest child got the Special K; it was nature's way.
It takes skill to use a Kel-Bowl-Pac, particularly if you are camping. You take a knife and cut along the dotted line, puncturing the inner membrane and plunging the knife into your leg. You now have a small box of cereal stuck to your thigh. Next step: scream uncontrollably, causing an adult to quiet your misery by giving you someone else's Frosted Flakes. Thus does the weakest child develop a sense of guile. It is nature's way.
The different between Frosted Flakes and Frosted Cheerios? The Flakes have a mascot: Tony the Tiger, Mr. Swank, the relaxed old pro, the Arnold Palmer of the mascot circuit. Sugar Puffs had Sugar Bear - that Rat-Pack refugee with the sleepy eyes and the Dean Martin manner, the spokescreature most likely to be brought up on a morals charge. (His co-defendant would no doubt be Toucan Sam, the Peter Lawford of cereal spokesmen.) I always got the feeling that Tony the Tiger would beat Sugar Bear to a moaning pulp if he got the chance; guys like Sugar Bear must have bugged Tony. Sugar Bear would have protested the Vietnam War; Tony would have supported it.
Where Frosted Cheerios stands on the matter of post-colonial Communist insurrections, I don't know. I just eat it because it's cheap. Next week it goes off sale, though, and I'll have to find something else. Lucky Charms, perhaps. Nice and apolitical.
Please don't tell me the leprechaun was caught running guns to the IRA.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.-- English Professor, Ohio University
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many minimalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
~~~ Bagpipe Jokes ~~~
Q. What do you call 100 bagpipes at the bottom of the sea?
A. A good start.
"Gentleman" defined: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Q. Why do pipers walk when they play?
A. They are trying to get away from the sound!
Thought: How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Q. Why does everyone hate a bagpipes right off?
A. Saves time.
Someone once said, "You don't PLAY bagpipes, you WIELD them."
Q. How can you tell the difference between bagpipe songs?
A. By their names.
Q. What do you call a happy song played on the pipes?
A. Ha! Yeah, right.
These four catholic crones were having coffee. The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says "My son is 6'2"; he has broad, square shoulders; he's terribly handsome and dresses very well. Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh, my God...'."
Conducting a press conference, the super-star quarterback announced that he was retiring at the end of the season. Naturally, the press went into a frenzy, and there were many shouted requests of "Why ????"
The fading star said, "Oh I don't know. As I looked in the mirror the other day at my nose which has been broken several times, I took several asprin for my headaches due to constant concussions & then looked down at my knees, bent and scared from four operations, and I just decided there and then that there must be a better way to meet some more congenial people more my own age."
A man is having a drink at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there, he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.
"Hi, Mrs. Murphy? Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But....where's his wheelchair?"
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical difficulties then you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan.
Run with me on this one...
Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called MacGyver.)
For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the Professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the island.)
And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.
What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED.
We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match SLOTH, GLUTTONY, and ANGER. You can already see, there is a Gilligan problem here about to emerge.
Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit during her many years on the island and everybody knows it.
This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.
So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring Hell, hope always followed immediately by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends.
And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there, in this state of constant Hell?
Gilligan.
Gilligan must be SATAN. Think about it.
One final thought... Gilligan always wore red.
(From the October 9, 1997 "Wall Street Journal")
Officials Have Decided: There Will Never Be a Bob in Canada
by Andrea Petersen, staff reporter of the Wall Street Journal
After an impassioned grass-roots campaign lasting more than a year to name the western half of Canada's Northwest Territories "Bob," the entry has been unceremoniously dropped from the ballot.
The five most frequently suggested nominees in a publice naming contest were supposed to go to a vote this year. But even after coming in second, Bob will be a no-show. "It wasn't even considered," says Jane Groenewegen, chairwoman of the Naming the Western Territory Sub-Committee.
When Canada's Northwest Territories splits into two entites in 1999, the eastern half will become Nunavut, an Inuit word meaning "our land." The government of the western half asked its 60,000 citizens to send in suggestions for a new name for their land. A group of revelers at a barbecue cooked up the campaign for "Bob." And while the Bobfathers, as they are called, insist the campaign was begun in good fun, finger pointing and scandal led to Bob's very public hanging.
Some were saying that the Bobfathers, who remain anonymous, were from the eastern half of the Northwest Territories and that they meant to make fun of the west. One member of the local legislative assembly, Michael Miltenberger, accused a government economic planner and citizen of the east, Jack Hicks, of being a Bob ringleader. (Mr. Hicks, while not denying his involvement, says he wasn't at the barbecue kickoff.)
Many in the west are glad to see Bob go. "I think it's degrading to people that live here," says Manuela Keenan, a flower-shop owner in Yellowknife.
But others think Bob got a bum rap. "I certainly think it should have been on the ballot," says Dale Johnston, a sporting-goods store owner in Yellowknife. Inkit Ltd., a design shop in Yellowknife, has sold almost 1,000 "Bob, Canada" T-shirts that display a mock ballot with a big red check next to Bob. Roxy Engle bought 300 of them for her guests at a party celebrating her marriage to another Bob, Bob Engle.
The government has approved three names to be placed on the ballot: Northwest Territories (the status quo), and the Dene-language names Denedeh and Nahendeh. While Northwest Territories garnered an overwhelming 6,111 votes, Bob's 81 votes beat the 71 and 13 votes, respectively, for Denedeh and Nahendeh.
The new bus driver for the Sesame Street Elementary School for Exceptional Children was a bit nervous his first day on the job. Clutching the map and the list of names he'd been provided with, the driver made his way to the first stop, where a very fat little girl boarded the bus. "Hi," she said, "My name is Patty." The driver tried to return her smile as she took a seat.
At the next stop, an extremely fat little girl got on. The driver managed a weak smile when she said, "Hi, my name's Patty," and waddled to a seat.
Next was a little boy sporting thick glasses, crutches, and a safety helmet. His list informed the driver that this was "Special" Ross, and he helped the little boy up the stairs and into a seat.
The last child to be picked up was a boy named Lester T., and to the driver's relief he appeared perfectly normal. Accelerating, he was near the school when a strange smell came over the bus. Looking in his rearview mirror, the driver saw that Lester had his socks and shoes off and was picking at bunions on his feet. Totally grossed out, the driver lost control and crashed into a guard rail.
The police were quickly on the scene. Ascertaining that no one had been hurt, they turned to the bus driver & asked what the hell had come over him.
"Well, wouldn't you go crazy?" asked the bus driver indignantly. "It's not even 9:00 and I've had two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
An Italian, Mexican, and Redneck are working a construction job. Lunch time rolls around and the Italian opens his lunchbox. "Not lasanga again!!! I have had nothing but lasagna for three days. If my wife gives me lasagna one more time, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The Mexican opens his lunchbox. "Not burritos again!!! I have had nothing but burritos for three days. If my wife gives me burritos one more time I'm gonna jump off this building!!"
The Redneck opens his lunchbox. "Not another balogna sandwich!!! I have had nothing but balogna sandwiches for the past three days. If I get a balogna sandwich tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building!!"
(The next day at lunch time)
The Italian opens his lunchbox. "No, not lasagna!!!" The Italian jumps and plummets to his death. The Mexican opens his lunchbox "It can't be!! BURRITOS!!!!!" The Mexican falls to his doom. The Redneck opens his lunchbox. "Darn it! Balogna sandwich." The Redneck jumps just like the other two.
(Three days later at the mass funeral) The wives of the Italian and Mexican are crying and mourning. The Italian's wife says "Oh if I had only known, I would have fixed him sphagetti, tortilini, stromboli, anything but lasagna!!" The Mexican's wife sobs "Oh if I had known,I would have made him tacos, encheladas or anything but burritos!" The Italian and Mexican wives see that the Redneck's wife is not sad at all, this disturbs them and they ask, "Why aren't you sad, your husband just jumped off of a high rise building because of his lunch!!" The Redneck's wife calmly replies "He fixed his own lunch."
One day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?"
Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

The World's Easiest Quiz

  1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
  2. Which country makes Panama hats?
  3. From which animal do we get catgut?
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
  5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
  6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
  7. What was King George VI's first name?
  8. What color is a purple finch?
  9. What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
  10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
  1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
  2. Ecuador.
  3. From sheep and horses.
  4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
  5. Squirrel fur.
  6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
  7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
  8. Distinctively crimson.
  9. New Zealand.
  10. Thirty years, of course ;-)
The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed to a member of the British aristocracy who has been spending much of the summer in his residence in the south of France leaving his wife in the United Kingdom to look after the ancestral home.
Dear Sir Royston,
I hope you are having a good time on your holiday.
I say this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad news for you, although there is good news too. First the bad news. I am sorry to tell you that your favorite dog, Honey, is dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt no pain. She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbert, though I'm sure that no blame can be attached to Sherbert, frightened as he was by the fire in the barn.
I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other horses when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had been called within a short time of the barn catching fire and would normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not been for the fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a spin with your brother. As it was, both the tender and your Bently were written off. No blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I'm sure.
The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in the back seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to the fact that your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the collision. The doctors say that given time she will regain her sight but that she will never walk again. She has also lost her memory and cannot even remember you. Your brother, unfortunately, was killed.
I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first place. You see a spark from the house blew over and set the roof alight. The fire started in the main hall of the house where, as you know, your Mattisse and your Picasso once hung. I say `once' because they are not there now. Fortunately neither of these paintings were damaged in the conflagration as they were stolen beforehand by the burglar who started the fire.
Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in fact the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had been visiting your Insurance agent in prison where he is serving a three year sentence for fraud. I'm afraid that none of your insurance policies are valid.
As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire warmed your greenhouse and brought your flowers on.
Yours sincerely,
Ernest.
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating. The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?" The artist replied, "Custer's Last Thought had to have been: 'Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?'"
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
Press Release
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT WIN AIRBAGS
DETROIT - With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact, will come standard in all the company's 1998 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting!" said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1998 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXII or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Although it does not officially begin until January 1, 1998, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I though to myself, 'Oh boy, this is it - I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Freike, who lost his wife but won $50 dollars Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"Its really addictive," said Sacramento, California resident Marjorie Kemp, speaking from a hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain haemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets, even if it kills me!"
Kemp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize, but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, the odds of winning the Grand Prize, a 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting into a serious car accident in the first place - approximately 1 in 720,000, the actual odds of winning a prize each time you sept into your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate.
"I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Eire, Pennsylvania resident Jerry Rolaner. "My car was totalled and, because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really got me is the fact that the drunk driver who rammed the side of my car with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 gift certificate from Office Depot. That's just plain wrong."

Geeks Need Women!

(c) Patrick C. Ross
Speaking of "Ben Hur," anyone who is online knows that our world's great convenience, e-mail, is being choked to death by a force-feeding of solicitations, such as MAKE $$$ FAST!!! or LIVE FOREVER!!! Those seem credible enough, but I'm sure BEAT THE IRS!!! is a scam. I'll admit, however, that I didn't know what to make of a recent junk e-mail titled SUBLIMINAL RECORDINGS SEDUCE WOMEN!!! Could anyone be enough of a sucker to fall for such a gag? I mean, I ordered one ten years ago from a flyer stuck on my car and all the tape did was make my cat howl. Still, I was curious and read the e-mail. Well, the first few lines anyway. After all, I recalled PR's Rule # 717: Junk e-mails are not only unsolicited, they're longer than a Bill Clinton State-of-the-Union address.
According to the company, TechAmore, for only $19.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling I'll receive a cassette of pleasing new-age music. Unbeknownst to my date, the tape will feed her subliminal messages that say I have the looks of Alec Baldwin and the charm of Cary Grant (before he died, hopefully). The e-mail warns that federal officials (damn, those party poopers) are looking to "outlaw" TechAmore's "revolutionary" product, "so you must act fast." There's even a disclaimer that the product is intended for "recreational use" only. I don't want to consider what a "professional" use of the product might be, although I'm sure lobbyists would know what to do with it. I figured the product might be legitimate, though. After all, something beyond money had to explain how Larry King kept landing child brides.
A little online sleuthing led me to the company's headquarters in Teaneck, New Jersey. TechAmore's owner was out with the product conducting "field studies," the PR director told me, but he said "I'd love to talk" with you. We shook hands, and I realized I had been buzzed.
"Sorry," he said, showing me the hand buzzer. "The boss is a big practical joker, and it's sort of contagious. Glad you're here, though. We could sure use the publicity."
"Sales are slow, 'eh?"
"Oh, on the contrary," the eager aide replied. He was twentysomething years old and dressed like he had just returned from Lollapalooza. It didn't appear he'd rolled in any mud pits, though. "Sales are right through the roof," he said, stealing a quick glance at the wall clock behind me. "The Internet is the perfect way to reach our target audience."
"Which is?"
"Geeky white males with thick glasses and severe insecurity regarding penis size."
I was offended. My glasses aren't that thick. "So why do you need exposure?"
"The boss is taking the company public. We're holding an initial public offering next week."
I scribbled in my notebook. "Let me ask you a blunt question. Do these tapes actually work?"
Another peek at the clock. "Oh yes, they're really amazing."
"But I thought this whole subliminal nonsense was debunked years ago," I said. "You know, the old scam about theatres inserting a flash message saying 'You really want to go by some artery-clogging buttered popcorn' right in the middle of 'Ben Hur.'"
The PR director stole another glance at the clock, then stood. As he did so, he casually lifted a whoopie cushion off of his chair and tossed it in a growing pile of like gag products. "Oh, video messages were disproven, yes. But the human ear has a much greater perceptual range than the eye. Believe me, our tapes can give you whatever you want. You'd like a beautiful girl to give you a pedicure while singing the theme to 'Green Acres'? You got it. You want her to bark like a dog? Well..."
"I think I get the picture," I said. "Seems a bit degrading to the woman, though."
He walked into his boss' empty office and made his way to the man's desk. "Believe me, it's not. The subliminal message repeatedly informs the women that the acts that they are about to perform are perfectly natural. They feel no shame during or after their actions."
I was about to reply when I saw the PR director begin to run his tongue along the surface of the boss' desk. "Um, what are you doing?"
He mumbled while continuing his chore. "Since my phoss gave me this great cathette thape lasth week, ebery thay phromptly at wone o'clock I lick his desk unthil iths clean. Dhon't worry. Iths ferfectly natural."
I tried to recall how much money was in my savings account.
"When did you say that initial public offering was again?"
An actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company and their response:
Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.
But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!
Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.
Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:
  1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
  2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
  3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
  4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
  5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
  6. Warm beer sucks.
This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.
However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can... black!!!
Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38° and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.
The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)
-------------------------------- ----------------------------
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this guy's letter. Enjoy...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.
Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.
Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake.
So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers.
Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.
However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.
From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends.
This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am have our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.
Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.
A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pots. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pots and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them.... One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pots, please, mate!"
The barman serves up four pots and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them.... One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pots. And one after the other, he knocks them back.... One, Two, Three.
"Two potsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pots in front of him. Down they go.... One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pot, mate." So the barman fills the glass.
The bloke sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."
"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."
"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Go back and get her."
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"
Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this young nurse. Everytime she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice "And how are we doing this morning??!!!"
Well, this is a story of revenge. He had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, he snatches the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and chugs it, saying
"Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH (European French that is)

  1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
  2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
  3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
  4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
  5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films.
  6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
  7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
  8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
  9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
  10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN

  1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
  2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
  3. You can call Budweiser beer.
  4. You can be a crook and still be president.
  5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
  6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
  7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
  8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
  9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
  10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. When you're not. At all.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

  1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
  2. Warm beer.
  3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
  4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
  5. Union jack underpants.
  6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
  7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
  8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
  9. Ditto changing underwear.
  10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN

  1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
  2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
  3. No need to worry about tax returns.
  4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
  5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
  6. Political stability.
  7. Flexible working hours.
  8. Live near the Pope.
  9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
  10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH

  1. Guinness.
  2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
  3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
  4. Pubs never close.
  5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your
  6. girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
  7. No one can ever remember the night before.
  8. Kill people you don't agree with.
  9. Stew.
  10. More Guinness.
  11. Eating stew and drinking guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN

  1. It beats being an American.
  2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
  3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
  4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
  5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
  6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
  7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
  8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
  9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
  10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senior, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budwiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rockey Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask. "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?".....the Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off.
The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away.
The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.
The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around."

Please consider the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide...

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
  1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
  2. it is a major component in acid rain
  3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
  4. accidental inhalation can kill you
  5. it contributes to erosion
  6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
  7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was...
WATER !!
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
The conclusion is obvious.
Two lasses come out of a Pub, they see a drunken Scott on the ground. One says, "Do you want to see something funny?", the other says, "Sure!"
The one lass pulls her blue ribbon from her hair and reaches under the man's kilt and ties it. They go off laughing....
The next morning the man gets up, stumbles home and goes about doin' his mornin' business.... he looks down and raises an eyebrow... "Don't know what you did last night there Willy, but I'm glad ye won First Prize!!"
There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins where.
The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of couse I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin."
The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week."
The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns say "come now we told you our worst sins, what is yours."
The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train."
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How?" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
At the end of the Micros Surgeons Conference in New York, all the leading surgeons were in a bar at the Hilton, and reminiscing over their great feats.
The English Surgeon was saying "Well, there was a fellow caught in machinery in the British Leyland plant last month. All that was left was a little finger. I reconstructed a new hand from the finger, built it into a new arm, engineered a new body, and ultimately he was so efficient he put five men out of work."
"That's nothing" said the American Surgeon. "We had a worker trapped in a nuclear reactor and all that remained of him was just one hair off his head. I had to construct a new scull, create a torso and provide new limbs. He is now so efficient that he has put fifty workers off the job."
"I can top that" said the New Zealand Surgeon. "I was walking down the street when I caught a fart, quickly wrapped a bottom around it, built a body to match, named it Jim Bolger and now he has half our country out of work".
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.
"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.
"Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".

You mean me?

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.
In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".
"Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?
"Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to start acting more grown up, so she told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went for a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word."
Then the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he had read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.
He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Shit."
Two blokes were painting Concorde and it was taking a long time. They had just reached the wings and one goes, "Smell this paint, it smells like Vodka!!"
The other bloke says "Yeah, you're right, have a swig".
So he takes a swig, and it is just about palatable. Come the end of the shift they have drunk 37 cans of paint between them and they are completely pissed.They stumble back to their homes and go straight to bed, nearly dead.
The first bloke wakes up and he's got the biggest hangover of his life. He climbs out of bed and falls flat on his face. He looks at his feet and he notices that some little wheels have grown out the soles of his feet.
"What the hell..." he exclaims.
He skates into the bathroom and he could not believe what he saw in the mirror.
He had a 7 inch long pointy nose instead of his own, his shoulders were pushed back and his arms were now flattish
"Oh, for hell's sake..."
Suddenly, the phone goes, he answers it and it was his mate from the day before.
"Thank God you've phoned...I've got wheels on my feet, a long pointy nose, flat arms and I don't know what the fuck is going on..."
The reply came, "Yeah, I know...whatever you do don't fart, I'm phoning from Bahrain!!"
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda."
The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.)
The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.worthless.nogood/tryagain\again/again.bozo
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
The Computer Hillbillies

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".

They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.

They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'
> >
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referr ed to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential, information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager".
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR: 666.
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he askED her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says,
"You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"
Plane crashes on a desert island. 15 survivors. 3 Spaniards, two men and a woman, 3 French people, 2 men and a woman, 3 Germans (you get the picture), 3 Greeks and 3 Brits.
Six months later....
The Spanish man had killed the other and was living with the woman.
The French had a delightful menage a trois.
The Germans had a strict rotation. Hans on odd days, Franz on even days.
The Greek men were living together and had the woman doing the house work.
And the Brits....were waiting to be introduced to each other.
I just heard on the radio that Bill Gates' net worth is $36.4 billion. As a UNIX administrator who has to clean up all of his messes on a daily basis, I am confused. Is that his net worth or the price on his head?
Adam was taking a walk in the garden of Eden, having his daily chat to God. The following conversation took place:
God: "Where's Eve?"
Adam: "Down in the lake, taking a bath."
God: "Damn! It'll take me 5000 years to get the smell out of the fish!"
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?
The light went out, but where to ?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 sylables in the word "monosylabic"?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
What if C-A-T really spelled DOG?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"?
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?
If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn't it become squozen?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
3 men went to a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man put up $10 each and went to the room. A little while later he realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellhop back to the 3 guys room with $5. On the way to the room the bellhop couldn't figure how to split the $5 between the 3 guys so he just gave each one of them $1 and he kept the other $2. That left the 3 guys paying $9 each for the room.
3x9=27+ the 2 that the bellhop kept =$29. WHERES THE OTHER DOLLAR??????
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
A man goes into a pet store looking for a monkey. "I don't want any old monkey," he says to the store owner, "I want one that can do something special."
The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.
"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
The owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
A son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
Adam was taking a walk in the garden of Eden, having his daily chat to God. The following conversation took place:
Adam: Thank you so much for giving Eve to me. She's made such a difference in my life. I just have one question: Why did you have to make her so beautiful? I can't keep my eyes and my hands off her!
God: Well, Adam, I had to make her so beautiful so you could love her!
Satisfied with this Adam goes off to find Eve. The following day he was involved in another conversation with God.
Adam: God, I understand that you had to make Eve beautiful so I could love her, but I don't understand why you had to make her so STUPID!
God: Well, Adam, I had to make her so stupid so she could love you!!!!
A Radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and a UK journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK.
"Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."
"Why then?"
"That's when they left."
There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" the priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had enjoyed up to the time he entered college, would be a good profession.
However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that to work on any of the newest engines and be able to compete with the younger work force, he would have to go to school. So he enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics and pretty much aced the course.
The final exam however, required each student to completely strip and reassemble a complete engine. So it was with some trepidation he took on the task.
At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade. When the grades were handed out he did a double take at the 150% grade he received.
Rather confused, he asked his instructor how it was possible to have a grade like this. The instructor replied that it really quite simple. He gave him 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling the engine and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.
Just a silly little joke, but what the hell?
A lake contains a school of intelligent fish, besides the usual dumb kind of fish. A man fishes at the lake a lot, but he only catches the dumb kind of fish (the intelligent fish don't bite hooks), so the intteligent fish don't mind it; they aren't all that fond of dumb fish, anyway. One day on the the smart fish is looking for a friend of his, Ing, but can't find him anywhere. So the fish swims to the surface (he can see the fisherman's line in the water) and asks the fisherman if he's seen Ing. The fisherman replies that he hasn't, but he brought his girlfriend along, and last night she caught a bunch of fish and already cooked them. The fisherman said he didn't think she caught any intelligent fish, but he'd describe Ing to her and ask her if she'd seen him. When the fisherman returned he had a pained look on his face, and said, "Oh fish, she ate Ing!".
I just moved recently, and now have roomates (first time in years for roomates). Here's a joke one of my roomies told me (Aurelia):
A man walks into Chase Manhattan Bank with a bag contaiing $3 Million, and walks up to a teller window. He tells the teller he wants to deposit the money, but won't unless he can speak to the bank president, first. The teller seeing how much money is involved calls up the bank president and tells him what's up, then tells the new customer (would be) he'll escort him to the presiden's office. While in the president's office, the pres asks him how he acumulated so much money. The man replied that he was a gambler, and these were winnings from a recent bet. Then the man said he'd like to make a wager for $100,000.00 with the president. The president said he probably wouldn't care to wager that much money, unless it was a sure thing, "...so what's the bet?". The man said he'd bet the president that his balls would turn into cubes within 24 hours! Well the bank president said that was a sure thing (that wouldn't happen) and agreed to the bet. The next day the man brings in a friend to the president's office, and asks the president how his balls are. The president assures him his balls are still like they've always been (round), and where was his winnings. The man replied that he wouldn't pay such a large sum of money unless he could see the president's balls first. The president says sure, and drops his pants, and the man then firmly takes hold of the president's balls. The gambler's friend upon seeing this starts hitting his head against the wall, and the president asks what's up with the guy. The gambler says, "Oh, I just bet him $3,000,000.00 yesterday that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls today!".
I was once with a tour group visiting the UK. As we filed past the immigration officer (at Heathrow), each one showed his passport, was asked why (s)he was visiting ["Well sir, I'm with this group that is visiting your lovely ..."], and got a one-week tourist visa stamp.
When it was my turn, I said I was going to topple the oppressive government and the entire class system, teach everyone to cook like the French, and free the masses from their servitude, but since I didn't want to stay and experience the ensuing chaos, I might as well get a tourist visa too.
He said, "Normally I'd tell you such a job is rather a large undertaking, and stamp you for two weeks, but I suspect you're kidding," and gave me the same as the rest.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Rangi comes home from primary school one day all excited and with a huge smile on his face. Rangi's Mum sees this and asks him "Rangi bro, what happened at school today? Why are you so excited?". Rangi answers his Mum - "Well Mum, we had a Maths test at school today, and I came top of the class! Why do you think that happened?" Mum answers, "Well Rangi, it's probably because you're a Maori - You should be proud."
The next day, Rangi comes home, all excited again and rushes up to Mum- "Guess what Mum! We had an English test today, and I came top in the class again! Is that because I'm a Maori?". Mum assures Rangi that it is because he's a Maori, and that he should be proud.
The following day, Rangi comes home from school, and sprints into the house with a smile from ear to ear. Mum asks him "Did you have another test today Rangi?" Rangi: "No Mum, today we had primary school swimming sports, and when I was in the changing sheds I noticed that I had the biggest penis out of all the other boys in my class! Is that because I'm a Maori Mum?"
"No Rangi," says his Mum, "It's because you're 22".
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse and pulled out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea! What is that your putting over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her that she could purchase them at a pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this little old lady was interested in condoms. He asked her, "what size do you want?" The old lady thought for a moment and said, "one that will fit a Camel.
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A young lady oyster had just returned from her first date with a lobster and was telling her oyster girl-friend about it.
"He was simply marvellous," she said. "First he looked deep into my eyes. Then he put his arms round me. Then he..."
A look of horror came over her as she clutched at her throat and cried out, "Good heavens! My pearls!"
Two men are in the pub, talking about the lazy shiftless youth of  today. They get on to the subject of their sons, and end up arguing over who has the laziest bum for offspring. Neither can believe that anyone could possibly have spawned a bigger layabout than himself, so they place bets and agree to visit each other at home to see just how sluggish each other's lad is.
They go into the first guys house and their is no sign of the son.  "Ah, that's 'cause he's in bed. It's only 10pm, and he never gets up before midnight, if he ever gets up at all. I've never even caught him getting up for a leak."
And sure enough the son is in bed, wide awake, remote for the TV in hand. His room stinks.
"Hi Dad."
"Hi Son, can you get up outa bed now?"
"No, I'm quite happy here Dad."
"I'll give you $1000 a week allowance if you do."
"Nah, no thanks. I can't be bothered.  I'll just stay here if it's OK."
The first father is needless to say pleased with the display of slothfulness his son has supplied the other guy with. Surely no-one can beat that.
"That's nothing." says man #2. "Wait 'til you meet my son."
So they go to his house and the son is lying on the floor by the fireside watching TV. The first guy isn't impressed. "He's bloody hyperactive compared to my son, he's even dressed!"
Then they go closer, and notice that the lad is crying, evidently in some pain. His father is unconcerned, but the first guy says "What's wrong lad?"
He wails back, "I'm burning."
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth is to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel
During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?".
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that...who was *HE*?"
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens, and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:
"I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk.
"Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"Kid, that ain't why they call it chicken wire, and you can't catch chickens with it!" the farmer shouts back.
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road.
He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in this chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
"Kid, it's called duct tape...and you can't catch no ducks with it."
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road.
He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any ol' stick, this here's pussy willow."
"Hang on..." the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing a tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!
If computers had been around in the 1960's
Gilligan's Island:
The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to upgrade the ROM in his  bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After hours of effort, he manages to establish a connection  via his papaya-based VT 100 terminal and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls asleep from  exhaustion. Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH" and drops the line. The Skipper beans  him with a rock and finally loses it, his seafaring years catch up with him and he starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about playing Leisure Suit Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell  finally figures out how to work the ISDN set that was accidently dropped by a  passing JAL jet and  has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News Retrieval that the stock market has soared  above 3000 points. Ginger calls CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an effort to  convince them that she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0. Eventually, all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the serial cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters to each other.
There was this guy who *LOVED* football. It was his dream to go to the superbowl. One year, he scrimped and saved and cut every corner possible, and he was able to buy a ticket.
Unable to afford a plane ticket, he hitchhiked to the game, and got to his seat (way up in the nosebleed section) ready to watch his dream game. His seats really suck. He's way in the middle of nowhere, and even has a pole in front of him that he has to lean sideways to see around, but at least he's there!
He's scanning the crowd, and he sees that one seat, way down in the middle, only 5 rows off the 50-yard line is empty!  Jesus, how the heck could someone pay that much for a ticket and not show up!?!? 
This is driving the poor guy crazy, so he has to find out what's going on. During halftime, he runs down and makes it to the empty seat. It's a 2-person box, and there is a guy in the other seat.
He says, "Is that your seat?"
The guy says, "yea, it's my wife's seat. We come here together every year."
He says, "Well, where is she?"
The guy says, "She passed away..."
So, he says "geez...  Sorry to hear that.  So, why'd you come alone?
The guy says, "I couldn't get anyone to come with me."
He says, "What? Are you nuts? You couldn't find a friend or brother or cousin, or ANYONE?!?!?!"
And the guy says "Nope. They all wanted to go to the funeral."
Some old, some new. . .
Q.  What's pink and goes up and down in a push-chair?
A.  A pervert's ass-hole.
Q. Are you allowed to kiss a nun?
A. Yes, but don't get into the habit.
Q:  Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A:  Because they're ugly and smell bad.
Q:  Why don't men wear make-up and perfume?
A:  Because they're ugly and smell bad and *don't* know it.
Q. What do you call a can of Tuna Fish in a Lesbian's Apartment?
A. Potpouri!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Fuck her!
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip.
Q. What's the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. How are women like condoms?
A. If we aren't on your dick, we're in your wallet!
Confucius say, "Man who masturbates into cash register comes into money."
Q:  What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A:  You know she'll swallow.
Q:  How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
A:  He ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Q.  Which is better, being born black or gay?
A:  Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.
Q:  How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
A:  The tongue's still in the envelope.
Q:  Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
A:  One to do the work and the other to moan with.
Q:  What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A:  A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q.  What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A:  After 10 years the job still sucks.
Q:  Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
A:  The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blowjob.:
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
NOAH's ARK - A Modern Tale
--------------------------
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build me an Ark," said the Lord.
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed.
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
And the IRS (The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."
"What's that?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:
"Government."
Practical Jokes for the Office
Prank #1:
Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one Induhvidual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call.
Prank #2:
Microsoft Word has an autocorrect spelling function in its latest version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the autocorrect dictionary...including words that do not exist.
If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecure, you're home free.
For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is autocorrected to Boob whenever the Induhvidual types it. Or set paradigm to autocorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related violations.
Prank #3:
Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical chip in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's office. Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's especially silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear music.
Prank #4:
Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office fax or copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should direct the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for tracking purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g., "This is Bruce Induhvidual, give me ten copies, no staple."
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing:
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table.
"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again:
"...On the road again..."
The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So, you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet, and I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on, " said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy, " said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little, but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely ahead of the young rooster.
By now, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard, figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn !!!! that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
A young boy's parents had paid a visit to the home of a neighbor one evening. The neighbor thought naturally, when she answered the doorbell the next morning and found the boy at the door, that his parents had forgotten something.
"Please, Mrs. Anderson," said the boy, "may I look at your dining room rug?"
The woman was surprised but said, "Why, of course, Jon-Mark. Come right in."
The lad gazed at the rug for several minutes. Then he turned to its owner: "It doesn't make me sick," he said.
Apple Computer Announces Outsourcing of Executive Management
CUPERTINO, California--May 30, 1996--Apple Computer, Inc., announced today that to speed its return to profitability, it will include executive management among the tasks to be turned over to outside agencies.
"Management has never been a traditional strength of Apple Computer," said Gil Amelio, Apple's current CEO. "As a part of tightening Apple's focus on core competency, the executive team has decided that the running of this company is best left to another company entirely." Amelio and his staff will be released from their contracts to join a new, as-yet unnamed management-focused startup in Silicon Valley.
Several industry pundits praised the decision. "It's a smart move," said computer columnist John Dvorak. "The joke in the industry is that the difference between Apple and a kindergarten class is that kindergarteners have adult supervision. By removing the burden of running the company, Apple is freeing itself to focus on its superior technology."
Others agreed. "Look at their past," said former Apple executive Jean-Louis Gassee. "Apple's leadership started with an egomaniac micromanager (Jobs), continued with an escapee from the beverage industry (Sculley), and has recently floundered under man nicknamed 'Diesel' who said 'vision wasn't important' (Spindler). Sure, Amelio appears to be the right man for the job -- but that wouldn't be Apple, would it? Direction must come from outside." When asked if criticism of Apple's past management should extend to him, Gassee said only, "Of course not, you stupid American."
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
A man went to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor did his history and physical, he discovered that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," said the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin, "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," said the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient added, "You have a REALLY nice house."
GENERATION X AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO
-----------------------------------
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible
Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively
Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name
Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located
-- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny
Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired
Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace
I thought I'd share this one with u. 2 All the gals....no offence....to d'boys, u'll love this perfect story.
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
--------
The perfect woman.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

But wait, There is a...
* A Male's Response
* (Page Down )

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
A very timid woman went to the grocery store to buy several items. When she reached the check-out counter, the clerk discovered that the price tag was missing from her box of Tampax. (This was before the days of bar-code scanning.) So over the loudspeaker, the clerk asked for the stockboy to check the price of Tampax. This embarassed the woman to no end.
Imagine her mortification when the confused stockboy, thinking the clerk had said "thumbtacks" came back over the loudspeaker asking, "Do you mean the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters ?"
A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her social security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his workstation:
pearly-gates:~/peter grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/status
The computer responded:
212-53-6432 Cindy Smith cms@dragon.com!earth naughty
pearly-gates:~/peter
Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that a minivan to hell would be arriving shortly.
Cindy began to protest, "but what did I do wrong? I loved my fellow neighbor as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person! Surely there must be a mistake!"
So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and behold, that she truly was a kind, warm, gentle person ... until he saw the entry for Jan 7, 1992-Earth, which read:
**DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69***
Posted irrelevant article to newsgroup.
After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to the woman, "It seems that on January 7, 1992, you posted an article to alt.religion.computers.
This article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks toward Microsoft, and not even a comment on the proper definition of 'hacker'! In fact, the article was not even relating to computers at all, and discussed, of all things, human religion! There wasn't even a reference to Bob or Discordianism, Zen, or the Tao of programming.
"Oh dear, this is terrible. You see, heaven is a perfect place, and we only have room for the most perfect people. Ever since we ran the T-3 line up from New Jersey, we've been particularly harsh on breakers of netiquette. Didn't you read RFC-23654? The one proposing commandments 11 through 15?"
He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some files. After a few moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper. It read:
11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammar.
12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines.
13: Thou shalt not send "All fags must die" messages to 19 random groups.
14: Thou shalt not request post a frequently asked question.
15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading a week's worth of posts, thereby avoiding irrelevant articles.
When she was done reading, she began to stammer, but Saint Peter stopped her, saying "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. To register a complaint, you'll have to send mail to status-change-request@godvax.heaven.com. We have a group of cherubim who manage such requests. But don't send it to status-change@godvax.heaven.com, or your request will be distributed to the whole mailing list. They *hate* that! In fact, there's some discussion about making that the 16th commandment..."
At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a stop. Satan, in the form of a Microsoft salesman, stepped out. "Welcome!" he said. "We've been waiting for you..." Cindy, almost in a trance, stepped into the minivan and was whisked away to the netherworld, a world of COBOL, System 36s, punch cards, incompatible network standards, and irresponsible news posters. Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled. "You'll like it here", he said, "We have netnews, but we've greatly simplified it. We have only one group, it's alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!"
An Indian in the old west goes into the local house of pleasure. He's filthy, and carrying a club. He tells the madam, "Running Bear want woman." The madam suggests he go back to his tribe. "No, me want woman now." The madam questions why he doens't visit a girl from his tribe... and he responds, "No women there, only braves - me want woman."
"My my" says the madam, "what have you been doing for pleasure?"
The brave explains, "Go out into woods and fuck a tree - me want woman NOW." So, the madam sends him upstairs. The brave tells his whore to strip naked and go stand in the corner. She complies at which point he gives her a solid wack on the backside with his club.
"Hey" yells the girl, "What was that for?"
Running Bear tells her, "Checking for bees....."
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law."
The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes."
Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me."
Definitions:
- Exothermic = reaction that gives off heat
- Endothermic = reaction that requires heat to continue
A retiring Physical Chemistry professor was setting his last exam for a graduate course in Statistical Thermodynamics.
Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet:
Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof.
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One "A" was awarded.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant.
The top student however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass and occupy space. If they do, then a greater mass of souls has a greater volume.
Further, as volume increases, pressure must decrease in inverse proportion to maintain thermal equillibrium. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will never leave. Therefore, all souls stay; no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially, but certainly not indefinitely.
Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls to volume must remain constant.
There are then only two possible conditions:
1. One, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate that the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase exponentially until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Conversely, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over; condition two.
We can solve this with the 1990 postulation in the form of a response from Susie LeClair to my invitation for a date: "Not until Hell freezes over!" Since it's now been over 7 years, and she is not likely to respond in the affirmative, contition two above has not been met. Thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and therefore Hell is exothermic.
One morning King Lion was strolling through the tall grass when he happened to meet Giraffe. "Good morning, Longneck,' he greeted his subject. "Tell me, who is the strongest and most beautiful animal of all?"
"Oh, mister Lion, sir, you are the strongest and most beautiful of all," Giraffe replied.
Lion strolled along, feeling very pleased. Around the next bend he encountered Zebra.
"Good morning, Two-tone. Tell me, who is the strongest and most beautiful animal of all?"
"Well you are," snorted Zebra.
Lion shook his mane and lifted his head a little higher as he proceeded further. Behind a baobab tree he came across Elephant.
"Good morning, old Floppy-ears. Tell me, who is the strongest and most beautiful animal of all?"
Elephant didn't even look up. He just grabbed Lion by the scruff of his neck, shook him a few times and then tossed him over his back.
Lion landed with a dull thud, but quickly got to his feet. "Okay, okay!" he exclaimed. "No need to stress just because you don't know the answer!"
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more.
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.
It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,
There were too many lamby clones, for Mary to control.
No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.
But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary...
Butlers Nite Off
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A young blonde came home from school and was heard by her mother reciting her homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch--"
"Judi!" shouted her mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use swearwords like 'son of a bitch'".
"But, Mom," replied Judi, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Judi's mother went to school with her daughter and right into the classroom to complain.
"Oh, heavens!" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "
Scene: A small corner office. Seated at a desk is the President of Apex Global Information Services, Inc. , Phillip Lawlor. A door opens and a fat, smelly beast of a man enters.
Wallace: Morning
Lawlor: Morning
Wallace: I'm looking for Internet Connectivity. What ya got?
Lawlor: Well, we've got PPP dialups and Web hosting, POP3 servers, PPP dailups and Web hosting, Web page hostings, POP3 servers and Spam, Spam, PPP dailups, POP3 Servers and Spam, Spam, POP3 severs, Spam Spam PPP dialups and Spam, Spam Listserve hosting Spam Spam Spam PPP dialups Spam ISDN modems and Spam, Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam T-1's Spam Spam and Spam
N.A.N.A Chorus: SPAM SPAM! SPAMMITY SPAM! SPAMMITY SPAM!
Lawlor: Or a T-3 directly fed into a Cray Supercomputer with multiple 50" Super VGA monitors, 30 Terrabyte hard drives, the latest bug fix for Windows '95 and Spam.
( A customer has wandered in during this litany, looking for Internet access)
Customer: Have you got anything without Spam?
Lawlor: Well, the Spam PPP POP3 and Spam, thats not got much Spam in it.
Customer: I don't want ANY Spam
Wallace: Why can't she have have Web Page hosting, POP3 servers, Spam, and PPP dialups?
Customer: THATS got Spam in it!
Wallace: Hasn't got as much spam in as Spam PPP POP3 and Spam, has it?
Customer: Will you do me Web Page hosting, POP3 servers, Spam, and PPP dialups without the Spam then?
Lawlor: Ewww!
Customer: What do you mean, Ewww? I don't like Spam!
N.A.N.A. Chorus: SPAM SPAM, HIDEOUS SPAM! SPAMMITY SPAM, REVOLTING SPAM!
Lawlor: Shut up! Bloody "computer geeks". You can't have Internet Access without the Spam!
Customer: I DON'T LIKE SPAM!
Wallace: Shh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll sell you an E-Filter for $50. I love Spam - I'm getting Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam T-1's Spam Spam and Spam
N.A.N.A Chorus: SPAM SPAM, HIDEOUS SPAM! SPAMMITY SPAM, REVOLTING SPAM!
Lawlor: Shut up! Shut up! T-1's are off.
Wallace: Well, can I have Spam instead?
Lawlor: You mean Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam and Spam ?!
N.A.N.A Chorus: SPAM SPAM, HIDEOUS SPAM! SPAMMITY SPAM, REVOLTING SPAM! SPAA SPAAA SPAAAA SPAAAAA HIDEOUS SPAM! REVOLTING SPAM! SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAAAAAM!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
--G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--Anonymous
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Anonymous
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
---Anonymous
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke
A woman goes to her favorite dress maker for a wedding dress, her 4th to be exact! The dressmaker asks if she wants it in off white, cream, etc... She responds that she wants it in pure white.
The dressmaker argues, saying "surely you're not a virgin after 3 marriages!" "But I am!" replies the bride to be.
"You see, my first husband was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was examine 'it', my second husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about 'it'.
My third husband, who I really miss a lot, well....
He was a stamp collector!"
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bar keep, give me five shots of the best stuff you got.". So the bar tender pours five shots, lines them in a row, and presents them to his new patron. The guy swigs them down in just a few seconds. The bartender says, "You must be in a hurry.". The guy says, "You'd be in a hurry if you had what I have, too." The bartender is concerned that his new patron has AIDS or some other horrible disease, and asks him what he has. The guy says, "Fifty cents.".
A homosexual is new to town, but finds the local gay bar, and walks in. The homo asks the bartender if he has any guys looking for action. The bartender says, "Just one guy in the back. He's a young guy, in his twenties; named Schultz.". Well the homo has a great time with Schultz, a gay old time, so he comes back the next night looking for Schultz again. The bartender says, "Sorry, Schultz isn't here tonight. We do have another young guy in the back though. He's a really nice guy; you'l like him.". The homo says, "No, just Schultz. Because when you're out of Schultz, you're out of queers.".
Q: What's the difference between a Hoover vaccuum and a Harley-Davidson?
A: On the vaccuum, the dirtbag is on the bottom.
Alain, from Nepean
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
"Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.
The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
So this guy wants to have a cookout and he needs a pig for the cookout so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.
The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds."
He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!"
He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"
"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds."
The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.
After five minutes, the boy returned alone.
"She can't come out just yet," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman."
A Poem
------
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."
One day, this guy is sitting in this bar taking his merry time. All of a sudden he's startled by three blondes giving cheers, saying, "Fifteen! Fifteen!" He just ignores them and continues to drink.
About 5 minutes later, the blondes again say, "Fifteen! Fifteen!"
At this, the guy then walks over and asks them why they keep saying, "Fifteen! Fifteen!"
The blondes respond, "Well, we went to the supermarket and bought this jigsaw puzzle, which we put together in 15 weeks! Considering that on the side of the box it said 3-5 years."
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper: Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won't beat me and won't run out on me.
After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling particularly depressed when the door bell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants.
He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover."
"How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!"
"I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run out on you!" he said.
"What about being a good lover?" she asked.
He responded, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
My father was in the dentist's chair having a root canal done. Every so often, the dentist would stick a large toothpick-like object into the tooth's canal to see how far he had drilled. Each time, this thing caused my father great pain, but whenever he complained, the dentist replied, "Oh, that doesn't hurt -- it's just a measuring device.
This happened a couple more times. Again my father complained -- again he got the same response. Finally my father sat up m the chair, took all the stuff out of his month and looked straight at the dentist. "Excuse me for a moment," Dad said. "I have to go out to my truck, get my tape measure and whack you in the head with it. It shouldn't hurt, though. It's just a measuring device.
The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
A bus stops in Brooklyn and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say:
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."
"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine? What's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do fer ya'll?" asks the attendant.
"Fill her up with high test," replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is dat?" he asks, "I never seen one like it befer."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this my boy is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "thata be something."
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"Thata be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.
"What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "dem Cadillac people think of everything.
Several years ago Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and with a cost well over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the head of a mans penis was larger than the shaft so as to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results of the British study where published, France decided to conduct a study of their own on the same subject. They were convinced that the British could not do anything right thus the results must be wrong. After three years and well over $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When these results came out, the Poles not trusting either the British or the French, decided to conduct their own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of close to $750.000, the Polish study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/ Server programmers and web site developers and multimedia experts, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000.  This was a very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people.  They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!".  There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked.  "Is 2000 already here?  Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crisis all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant.  It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000.  But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack.  "But I'm curious.  Why is everybody so interested in me?" 
"Well," said the Prime Minister, "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL"
There were these three ducks who lived on this peaceful pond. They got into trouble and were sent to the duck who was in charge of the pond, whose name was Bill. The first one stepped up in front of Bill and looked at the ground.
Bill asked, "What's your name?"
The little duck replied, "Duck."
"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bill.
"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck.
"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're suspended from the pond for one week."
Duck waddled away.
The second duck approached Bill.
Bill asked this duck, "What's your name?"
The little duck replied, "Duck Duck."
"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bill again.
"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck Duck.
"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're suspended from the pond for one week."
Duck Duck waddled away.
Now Bill, was getting annoyed and thought he had discovered a pattern. When the third little duck waddled up to him Bill said, "Let me guess. You're Duck Duck Duck?"
"Nope" replied the little duck.  "I'm bubbles."
A LETTER FROM MARTHA STEWART
Monday, 9:00 A.M.
Hi Loretta,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost
any Hungarian craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long -- I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.
Love,
Martha Stewart
P.S.  When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this:  If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responded:
"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes and breaks down three times a day for some mysterious reason?"
LIFE IN THE LOUNGE LANE
After the handsome tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said in a very soft voice, "Miss, would you give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. But she smiled and added, "Sure, why not?  It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned an hour later, the man returned to the table where his drink was still waiting. The waitress gave him a wink and asked, "And will there be anything else?"
"Yes, ma'am" replied the tourist.  "In Virginia we take a wa bourbon and water cold... Now I'll really need a piece of ass for my drink..."
ASPIRING PSYCHIATRISTS
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddyup," Squiffy replied.
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied: "Don't worry, just open your shirt and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said: "Too bad you didn't drop your pants--you would have qualified for disability too!
There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being canceled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything.
Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!"
The minister told him, "You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible."
The guy asked, "Where should I start?" The minister answered, "If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers."
Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.
The guy walks over to the minister and says, "Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!" The minister was curious and said, "In what passage did you find your answers?"
The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - "Chapter 11."
TEN REASONS WHY "SCOOBY DOO" WAS A DRUG-INFLUENCED CARTOON
----------------------------------
1.Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scooby and Shaggy.
2.Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.
3.Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him.
4.Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended for the monster because they were tripping over themselves and couldn't see where they were going.
5.They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were dressed up in some costumes and entertained the monster.
6.Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, i.e. "like ZOIKS, Scoob, let's get outta here!!" What's a zoik?
7.Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of the van (doing who knows what).
8.They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that weird trippy design on it's side.
9.Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.
10.Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc., 'nuff said. *BYE* Love, Kaitlyn
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. 
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said.  "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed.  "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said.  "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,
    "Format C: Return."
Then, Someone else added:
     "Y, Return"
Unfortunately, the software worked.
Life's Permutations
Life Environment
Wise Man + Wise Woman        = Romance
Wise Man + Dumb Woman        = Affairs
Dumb Man + Wise Woman        = Divorce
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman        = Marriage
Work Environment
Wise Manager + Wise Employee = Profit
Wise Manager + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Manager + Wise Employee = Promotion
Dumb Manager + Dumb Employee = Overtime
An attractive, slim, big breasted woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small dog to keep her company. The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any ordinary pets. He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a glass tank and pointed to a large bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit your needs?", he asked. The woman answered, in anger, that she hardly thought a frog would be a suitable companion. "Ah", replied the salesman, "but this 'bullfrog' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."  At this the woman's eyes lit up. She gladly offered $500 for the frog, and left the store smiling from ear to ear. Arriving home, she took a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly relaxed, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She poked the frog with her finger. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her vagina. Nothing happened. She ordered it to perform. No response. After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over. Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She did so, by removing her nightgown and lying down in the same position with the frog in place. The frog made no movement. "You see? You see?", she repeated. "Yes, I do", said the man. Then, he turned to the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, and said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin
-- by Jonathan Kalbfeld
10. You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.
9.  Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
8.  You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.
7.  You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to render obscene pictures of upper management people.
6.  Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.
5.  The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
4.  The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
3.  "What?  No raise?  No Backups, then!"
2.  You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System.
And the number one sign you might be a Sysadmin...
1.   You have ever uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants."
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring Run ! Run ! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent : "R-r-r-un yah bastard. R-r-run !"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-r-un ya bastard, r-r-run will ya."
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-r-un ya bastard, r-r-run."
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride yah bastard, walk with pr-r-ride!"
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered.  "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
Ten Shakespearean pick up lines
(10) "Et tu, Cutie?"
(9) "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknownst but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"
(8) "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"
(7) "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."
(6) "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knowest what I mean."
(5) "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"
(4) "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm but happy to cast mine eyes upon thy beauty!"
(3) "Wouldst thou away with me to yon Motel 6?"
(2) "O! Pray thee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance letteth me divine thy weight."
And The #1 Pick Up Line From William Shakespeare...
(1) "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."
Last week Grace went to the dentist's office for a checkup and music was playing. She was early for her appointment, but after waiting ten minutes, an elderly woman sitting beside her said, "isn't that just like a dentist? A waiting room jammed with people, and the dentist is in there playing the piano."
A black guy is walking along the beach when he sees a bottle that's been washed ashore. The black guy picks up the bottle and starts wipingsand off of it, hoping there is a label on it. Well, a genie pops out of the bottle, and tells the black guy he now has three wishes. 
"O.K.", says the black guy, "I want a billion dollars!". 
The genie tells him to check his bank account; sure enough fortunately there is a nearby ATM machine) he now has one billion dollars in the bank! 
"Allright!", says the black guy, "Now that I'm rich I want to be able to hob nob with the other rich people, so make me white!".
The genie waves his hands in front of the black guy, and then tells him to look into a mirror.  He's no longer black, but has blonde hair, blue eyes, and aryan facial features! The  guy thinks this is too good to be true; he needs the third wish to ensure his good fortune will last forever.
 Finally the guy figures out a wish that he thinks will keep him on easy street forever; he says, "Make it so I never have to work again!". The genie turns him back into a negro!
A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
WHY WE'RE ALL SO DAMN TIRED !!
------------------------------
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of the US is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there messing around on the Internet !!
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35" she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?"
This little boy was sittin one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and he decided to talk to the little boy. The boy had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher seeing this said "What cha doin with that water?"
The little boy studied the contents of the jar for a minute and said: "Preacher this here is Turpintine. It's the strongest liquid in the world."
The preacher immediately said to the little boy: "Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant womans belly she will pass a baby boy?"
The little boy thought about this one for a minute and said to the preacher: "Oh no sir this is still the strongest. If you rub a little of this here stuff on a cats back it will pass a motorcycle!!!!"
"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash," the salesman said.
The customer, not able to figure the calculation, said he would think about the deal and return the next day.
That evening, the fellow asked his female friend, "If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?"
"Everything but my earrings," she purred.
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up,
"Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you!
They're for the other side of the house!!"
If Klingons Developed Software...
Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team:
10) "This code is a piece of crap!  You have no honor!"
9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
8) "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"
7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?!  I should kill you where you stand!"
6) "Our competitors are without honor!"
5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"
4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"
2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).
He tells them, "O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words 'cheese' and 'liver' in a sentence."
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?"  he asks the second guy.
He says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling,
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects."
"Well, we were married for 25 years."
Saint Peter is standing in front of the pearly gates with a line of people waiting to be accepted or denied into heaven.
"Okay, now you, what was your occupation?" Saint Peter asks the next man in line.
"Well, I was a salesperson." He responded.
"Hmmm, how interesting, you may enter." The man enters.
"Okay, what was your occupation?" Saint Peter asks the next man in line.
"Well, I was a church minister." He responded.
"Okay could you stand in that other waiting line there please."
The minister comlpies to Saint Peter's request hoping that this line wasn't the line to hell.
"How about you, what was your occupation?". He asked the next man in line.
"Well Mr. Peter, I was a taxi cab driver." He responded.
"Okay, you may enter." Saint Peter said.
"Wait a minute!" The minister screams after hearing that; "I was a minister teaching religion and HE WAS A TAXI CAB DRIVER! Why do I have to wait here and he can go in?!?"
"Ahh my child, that is simple." Saint Peter explains his choice. "While you were preaching to your congregation, people slept. When he was driving, people were praying."
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". "Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
One man applies for a salesman vacancy at the mall in Texas. The boss asks him:
- Whats your nacionality ?
- I'm Portuguese.
- Great your hired!.
- Yes. why ?
- My best salesman is Portuguese, he's the best. Let's see him in action...
There was the other portuguese in the middle of a sale...
- You must take this fishing cane, is the best.
- OK.
- But, with this cane you can't fish with a ordinary line, take this and this special bait, to catch big fishes...
- Alright.
- Hey, why don't you take these speacial boots so you can go in the watter more deeper?
- Your right.
- By the way, why don't you take this boat so you can get real big fish?
- Yeah, why not ?
- Why don't you take this camping tent too. In the wild there are the best fish.
- Camping cool...
- To take this tent and boat you'll need ...
- A car.
- Here's the keys of a all terrain 4 whells drive range rover.
The customer signs the check and leaves. The manager to the new salesman:
- This is a salesman !!!
To the other salesman:
-He was looking for some hooks right ?
- No, he was loking for female hygienic products for his wife, but, because we don't have anything I said... Listen , I see you'll have a shitty weekend so the best is you dedicate to fishing...
There was this couple and they're trying to make babies. And it's not working.
So they decide to go and see this doctor chap and he says, "Oh it's quite simple. Just take these 3 ball bearings and swallow them just before you next do The Wild Thing."
So the couple go home, she swallows the ball bearings and they start going at it. Sure enough, she gets pregnant and has triplets, 2 girls and a boy.
Fifteen years later, she's in the kitchen cooking dinner. Anyway, daughter number 1 rushes in screaming "Mum. Mum, you'll never guess what just happened! I went for a wee and out came a ball bearing!".
After a moment of shock and horror her mother realises what has happened, comforts her and assures her that she shouldn't be concerned at that it will never happen again.
2 weeks later her other daughter comes in to the kitchen, with the same concern. The mother tells her daughter not to worry about it, and assures her it will not happen again.
A month later the son comes up and says "Mum, I've done a very bad thing".
"You passed a ball bearing into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither. Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest,and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off. " Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.
"Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you?
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?"
According with the original sender, this showed up as a true real estate rental add that appeared on a newspaper in 1979:
2 BDRM. house: with fireplace, garage. work shop & large yard. $200 per month. No children, no pets, no smokers, no drinkers, no drugs, no gays, & no freethinkers; no Buddhists, no Baptists, no Moonies, no Junies, no Communists sympathizers, room deodorizers, nor tranquilizers; no creeps, no punks, no fools, no losers, no onions & hold the mayo. In fact, never mind...I'm going to sell the property & move to Denver or India or some place. ( And no musicians.)
NEWS FLASH: Energizer Bunny Death Notice
I'm saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.
The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming... Foul play has not been ruled out.
Words of wisdom... You can't be cool if you're using outdated lingo. Here's the latest from the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles.
"batmobiling"
putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling"
"beepilepsy"
afflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech
"betamaxed"
when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"
"blowing your buffer"
losing your train of thought
"cobweb"
a WWW site that never changes
"elvis year"
the peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's elvis year"
"generica"
fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"
"going postal"
totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages
"high dome"
egghead, scientist, PhD
"irritainment"
annoying but you can't stop watching e.g. the O.J. trial
"meatspace"
the physical world (as opposed to the virtual)also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"
"percussive maintenance"
the fine art of whacking a device to get it working
"prairie dogging"
in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look
"ribs 'n' dick"
a budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades"
"salmon day"
swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end
"siliwood"
the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also "hollywired"
"square headed girlfriend"
(boyfriend) computer
"treeware"
manuals and documentation
"umfriend"
sexual relationship "this is Date, my...um...friend"
"world wide wait"
WWW
"yuppie food coupons"
twenty dollar bills from an ATM
If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have guts forget about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. A buddy of mine from my baseball team knows a guy that was at the wedding.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming.
To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it.
Inside the manilla envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private dectective to trail them.)  After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said I hate You, he turned to the bride and said I hate You, and then said I'm out of here.
He got the marriage annulled the next day.
While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.
This is his world, we just live in it
With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin.
It is a long operation!
Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor.
"No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down," she says.
"Ah" says the doc, "this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery." "How nice," says Liz. "Thank you - what a nice thought."
"The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations - she is to be trusted."
"What a beautiful thought, from such a humble person -I'm really touched," says Liz. "But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz.
"Oh", says the doctor, "That's from Evander Holyfield -- thanking you for his new ears!!!"
There were three men who were lost in the jungle. Unfortunately for them, they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial.
The First step of the trial is to go into the jungle with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went their separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to Heaven.
The second man arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter; therefore, he too was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in Heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"
Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied,
"I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
One day Mr.Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem: my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones." said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again, Mrs. Jones." said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that god damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
Princess Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!
"Sorry Dolly" says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
Deductive Reasoning
Neighbor 1: Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.
New Neighbor: Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.
Neighbor 1: So what is it you do for a living?
New Neighbor: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.
Neighbor 1: Deductive reasoning, what is that?
New Neighbor: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that, I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: That is right.
New Neighbor: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.
Neighbor 1: Right again.
New Neighbor: Since you have a family, I deduce that you have a wife.
Neighbor 1: Correct.
New Neighbor: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.
Neighbor 1: Yup.
New Neighbor: That is deductive reasoning.
Neighbor 1: Cool.
Later that day:
Neighbor 1: Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.
Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?
Neighbor 1: Yes, and he has an interesting job.
Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah what does he do?
Neighbor 1: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.
Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning, what is that?
Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?
Neighbor 2: No.
Neighbor 1: Fag.
Haircuts - The difference between men and women
Women's version:
================
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Men's version:
=============
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,
"IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
"Lord, what is a 'headache?"
50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
A man with a terrible stutter had tried all sorts of speech therapy, visited doctors all over the country, yet could never resolve the problem. Until he visits this new doctor...
"D-D-Doctor, c-c-can you h-h-help my s-s-stutter? I-I-I have t-t-tried everyt-t-thing, b-b-but n-n-nothing w-w-w-orks!"
The Doctor says, "Well, let's try a physical and see if anything has been overlooked."
During the physical, the doctor notices the man has a 16 inch penis and exclaims, "There is your problem! Your 16 inch penis is altering the blood path and affecting your speech. We'll operate and remove some of it and you'll never stutter again."
"T-T-That's t-t-terrible D-D-Doc, my s-s-sexlife is inc-c-credib-b-ble. I c-c-can't g-g-give that u-u-up!"
"Don't worry, I'll leave you more than enough to satisfy any woman you sleep with, it will still be larger than average".
"OK-K-K, let's d-d-do it".
The doctor performs the operation and sends the man off without a stutter for the first time in his life. After a few weeks the man returns to the doctor with a complaint.
"Doc, I am really grateful not to stutter, but you have ruined my sexlife. Women used to go wild over my penis, but now I'm just too ordinary for them to care. Please give back my 16 inch penis, I don't care if I stutter for the rest of my life".
The Doctor says, "F-F-Forget i-i-it!"
... I looked at the clock. I'd slept all night and morning, through most of the last meeting of my freshman class.
I struggled back into my preworn clothing, my pretied shoes, ran to the anthropology building, and rushed upstairs to the airless classroom. Only one of my sixteen students remained. He sat alone at his desk, writing in his notebook with a ballpoint pen. He looked up, astonished at my arrival.
"Professor Engstrand."
"Angus."
"I'm almost done."
"Done with what? Where did they all go?"
He blinked twice. He looked frightened.
"Tell me what happened, Angus."
"We met and waited for you, sir. Sat in our places. But you didn't come. No one said anything. Half an hour passed. Then someone suggested that your absence might represent some new form of final exam. Some arcane and menacing form, I believe those were the exact words. We laughed nervously at first. But one by one we opened our notebooks. Began attempting to answer the question you were posing. That's why it's a little unsettling to see you here, sir. I was almost finished. The others handed in their papers to the department secretary. May I ask you a question, sir?"
"Yes, Angus."
"Does this mean I failed?"
"No, Angus. There's no time limit. Hand it in when you're done."
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating. The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?" The artist replied, "Custer's Last Thought had to have been: 'Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?'"
Little boy says to a little girl "I know where babies come from, do you?"
The little girl says "No, where do they come from?"
The little boy says "Well a man puts his penis in a woman's mouth and she has a baby."
The little girl says "Really!", proud of her new-found knowledge the little girl says to her mother that day after school, "Mom, I know how women get babies."
Mother asks "Really, how?"
The little girl says " Well a man puts his penis in a woman's mouth and she gets a baby."
The mother says "Oh no dear that's not how a woman gets a baby... that's how a woman gets jewelry."
At a silver wedding anniversary the husband was standing in one corner looking very sad.
"What's the matter?" asked his friend.
"Well, a week after marriage, I got fed up and wanted to kill my wife, but my lawyer said that I would get 25 years.
NOW I realize that today I would have been a free man."
Another wife joke: Joe comes to work really upset, and a colleague asks him what's wrong. Joe says, "I took my wife to the doctor yesterday, and the doctor gave me really bad news. But I'm so upset, I can't remember if my wife has AIDS, or alzheimers!". The friend tells him, "That's easy to figure out, Joe. When you get home drive your wife to the other side of town. If she finds her way back, don't fuck her!"
A Good "Newfie" joke in favor of Newfoundlanders...
And so it happens a business man is walking down the street. He spys a wee newfie jumping up and down on a man hole cover. Upon closer inspection he is jumping up and down yelling "31...31...31"
Of course our smart friend is about to walk away thinking... "Ahh just a nut" but the newfie spots him...
"Well me by... Don't just a walk away without seeing the fun I be havin'"
Smart man businessman is about to scoff and walk away but curiosity strikes him and so he asks...
"Fine. How is this fun?"
"Well just try it me by... Whars the harm in that?"
"Fine"
So the businessman begins hopping up and down gingerly on the manhole cover.
"No me by, ye have to jump up and down higher than THAT"
So he begins to jump higher... He finds he is enjoying himself!
"That's it me by... HIGHER HIGHER!!"
Soon the Businessman is jumping up in the air and having the time of his life!
"And me by ... Ye have to be yelling 31 again and again"
So the Businessman is a jumping away on the manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs "31...31...31" He is having the time of his life!
Well as he is up in the air the Newfie grabs the manhole cover... *POOF* the guy falls down into the hole...
Newfie walks back, replaces the cover...
"32...32...32"
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solarpowered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud yourbelief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
There was a man who had gotten really annoyed with his wife. She just kept talking and nagging and was driving him mad. The only time she wasn't was saturday morning when she worked for a few hours at the local market. So one day at work he was complaining about his wife to his friend. He was going on and on about her annoying habits, and eventually he said, "You know, if I could find a way I'd get rid of her completely." "I think I can help you there," his friend replied. "There's someone named Arty who does this sort of thing. I hear he's a real big tough guy, covered in tattoos. Apparantly he hangs out in this pub called The Broken Barrel. It's down near the harbour."
So after work the man goes down to the harbour and finds the pub. He goes in and it's really dingy, dark and smelly; the kind of place you might expect to find someone who kills people for a living. He goes up to the bar and sees a really big guy sitting on one of the stools, drinking his beer. So he says to the big guy, "Are you Arty?" The big guy slowly shakes his head, gets up and walks away. Behind him, also at the bar, is a petite woman. The man is suprised to see her in a place this seedy, but he asks her "Do you know Arty?" "That's me," she replies. "Whaddya want?" "I've got this really annoying wife," the man says, "and I hear you fix problems like that." "What if I do?" she replies. "Well, how much does it cost?" Arty appears to think for a bit, and finally says "It'll cost you a dollar." The man is surprised, but quickly says "Great. She works at the market on saturday mornings, three rows down and two stalls left from the centre aisle. She'll be the big woman in the blue dress going `yap yap yap yap yap'." With that he hands her the dolllar and quickly leaves, glad to get out of the pub.
On saturday morning Arty goes down to the market, walks down three rows and sees a big woman in a blue dress going `yap yap yap yap yap'. She walks up behind the woman, grabs her by the neck and quickly strangles her to death. As Arty looks around to make sure no-one saw her, she sees another big woman in the stall next door, wearing a blue dress and going `yap yap yap yap yap'. So she goes around behind that woman and strangles her to death too. By this time she's been spotted and the police arrive and arrest her. So the following day the headlines read:
ARTY CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT LOCAL MARKET
A guy is driving in the bush with a bull bar on his truck when he runs in to something. He gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his bull bar and his truck - he tries to get it out but its stuck tight. He gets on the CB for advice, "Breaker Breaker I've got a pig stuck behind my bull bar... how can I get it out?"
A reply comes back , "Just slice the gut and let the insides drop out...then it'll fall straight down." So the guy does this and as predicted, the pig falls straight out. "OK, it's out, but now I've got another problem. What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"
A door-to-door vacuum salesman knocks, and an old lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and empties a bucket of horse shit over her hall carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't clean up every last speck of that, I'll eat it."
"Do you want a spoon?" she asks, "we've only moved in this morning and the electricity's not on yet".
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over "So... out looking for a little, huh ?"
She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a LOT!"
The small tourist hotel was all abuzz about the newly married couple. The groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because the bride was a healthy 23. But lo and behold, the next morning, here comes the bride down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk behind the counter looked really concerned. "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator! The bridge groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak. "Ohhh God, he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!"
Sister Mary walked into the local pub and asked for a bottle of scotch. The bartender looked shocked.
"Don't worry," said Sister Mary. "It's only for Mother Superior's constipation."
Later that day the bartender was shocked to see Sister Mary sitting in a park pissed out of her head.
"Didn't you say the scotch was for Mother Superior's constipation?" he asked.
"It is," slurred the nun. "Once she sees me, she'll shit herself!"
A guy walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems you've got a stuttering problem."
The guy says, "N-n-no sh-sh-shit."
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she sucked me off three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since!"
The guy says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same guy walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer." The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
"I d-d-did. It d-d-didn't w-w-wrork. B-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment."
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under the blazing sun for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies live in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes thing for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here! Make it a good one!"
The first guy, without thinking, blurted out, "give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.
"Great move, Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of his head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!"
Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks.
It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user license agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space.
Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.
"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that.
The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs.
We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges. He says, "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1."
The man thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed." He says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again.
This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!".
One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush. "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.
"What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't sure what he saw.
"Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".
Old man and wife rocking on the porch, The old man grabs wife by the boob and says "You know honey if this thing coulds give milk we could get rid of the cow."
"Huh Huh" says the old lady.
Then the old man grabs her by the bird and says "You know honey if this thing could lay eggs we could get rid of the chickens."
"Huh,huh" says the old lady. She grabs him by the scrotum and says "You know honey if this thing could get up we could get rid of your brother."
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God:
- "Lord, I have a problem."
- "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
- "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
- "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
- "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
- "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
- "What's a 'woman', Lord?"
- "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
- "Sounds great."
- "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
- "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
- "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
- Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God,
"Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.
The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.
Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.
The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......
SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ...
DESCRIPTION
_s_e_x allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) specified in the command line. If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B
bestiality with
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d
get a date with the features described in
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-F nasal sex with plants
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
Printed 2/15/87 2/15/87 1
SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-T
voice-net sex via standard uucp autodialer facilities; area code prefix of 900 is assumed.
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.
FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment
BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.
MAN AUTHOR
Author prefers to be anonymous.
HISTORY
Oldest program ever.
Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese deliveryman is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "you sign, you sign".
The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.
The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting: "you sign, you sign". Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.
Mandela loses his temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong name".
Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him".
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
An Italian, a Fenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.
The Italian says - "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock clean on the curtains. She hits the f...ing roof !!!"
A man was sat at home one night when there was a loud knock at the door. The man answers angrily to find a 6 ft stag beetle standing at the doorstep. "What the hell is this?" he shouts, at which time the beetle launches into a frenzied and vicious attack in a flurry of kicks and punches - then leaves.
The man crawls into his house and calls an ambulance, but is naturally not keen to reveal the truth behind his injuries.
Finally, one day he tells a doctor, but surprisingly, the doctor believes him and is sympathetic, "I understand," he says, "there is a nasty bug going around at the moment..."
As my friend Vince Sabio (Humournet) says, there's some people who really should no longer be contributing to the gene pool -- like those in the O.J. Simpson jury. Here's a true story example:
"We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. We live in a semi-rural area.
"The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there."
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
There was a couple who went to this sex therapist because they had a ho-hum sex life. The doctor told them that he would only charge them if he could help them and that he had to do some tests first.
So the therapist runs his tests and he tells the couple "I can help you. On your way home tonight stop at the grocery store and pick up a box of donuts and a bunch of grapes."
Then he told the husband "put the grape in your wife's love canal and prowl across the room like a panther and remove the grape with your tongue."
He then instructed the wife... "after he has done that, I want you to ring a donut on your husband's love stick and prowl across the floor like a panther and eat the donut without using anything but your mouth." So the couple went home and tried this--and it was wonderful. They were very happy. So happy that they told their friends who were having the same trouble that they previously had. The following day their friends went to the same doctor and he told them that he would only charge them if he could help them, but he would have to run some tests first.
The doctor ran his tests and he came back to the couple and said "I'm sorry, I can't help you." The friends were very disappointed and they pleaded with the doctor "oh please try to help us, you helped our friends and they couldn't be happier."
The doctor said again ""No, I'm sorry. I just cannot help you."
The couple continued to plead until the doctor finally gave in and said "Okay, on your way home stop at the grocery store and pick up a bag of apples and some Cheerios!"
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"
Daddy decided that he would tell his kids about procreation and the making of babies. So he told them to sit down and listen very carefully. And he told them all about the flowers and the bees.
Things were confusing and that night, when daddy and mommy went to the bedroom, the children sneaked behind them. After a while the oldest looked through the keyhole of his parents bedroom door.
'What are they doing ?', the youngest asked.
'Gardening' , replied his brother.
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God....
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect.
He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine" said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????"
"That was the demo," replied God.
-------------------------------------------------
Ito's statements in ALL CAPS; OJ's in lower case.
-------------------------------------------------
DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?
DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU LEAVE A POOL A BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?
I did not leave a pool of blood.
I can not even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
I do not like green eggs and ham
I do not like them Sam I Am
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man:
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-fence-Builder? Noooo..."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood
with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar -Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to the sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off
me own back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the -Pier -Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. . .
"But ya fuck one goat..."
Three business men are playing a game of golf, when one of them starts talking about how well his son is doing in business. "Why my son is doing so well that he recently bought a car for a good friend of his!", the first businessman bragged. The second man said, "Well, my son is doing so well that he recently bought a friend of his a house!". The third businessman stays silent, so the other two finally ask him (in unison), "Well? What about your son?". The third businessman says, "My son is a homosexual.". The other two gasp at such an admission, but the third businessman goes on, "It's not to bad. Just recently some homosexual friends of his bought him a car and a house!".
"NORMISMS"
"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."
"How about a beer, Norm?"
"Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life."
"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
"What's up, Norm?"
"Corners of my mouth, Coach."
"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach."
"Beer, Normie?"
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young."
"Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?"
"With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe."
"What's up, Normie?"
"The temperature under my collar, Coach."
"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going down?"
"What's up, Norm?"
"Everything that's supposed to be."
"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer."
"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."
"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."
"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Gimme another beer."
"What will you have, Norm?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Oh, looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"What do you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."
"What do you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"
"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."
"What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?"
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."
"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can!"
"Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, and if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"How's life in the fast lane?"
"Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson."
"Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!"
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"How about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody."
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."
The blond replies   "Shut up, you're next."
A man was sat at home one night when there was a loud knock at the door. The man answers angrily to find a 6 ft stag beetle standing at the doorstep. "What the fuck is this?" he shouts, at which time the beetle launches into a frenzied and vicious attack in a flurry of kicks and punches - then leaves.
The man crawls into his house and calls an ambulance, but is naturally not keen to reveal the truth behind his injuries. Finally, one day he tells a doctor, but surprisingly, the doctor believes him and is sympathetic, "I understand," he says, "there is a nasty bug going around at the moment..."
The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitts for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English. One day she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven.
"He is coming visit me from army next week!"
"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?"
"Oh," the young woman said, "about long as Mr. Schmitt's. Maybe little thicker."
There was a British soldier serving in Gibraltar years ago who received a letter from his fiancé, breaking their engagement, and asking for her photo back. The soldier went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women he could get. He posted them to his ex-fiancé with a note saying, "Sorry - I can't remember which one is you. Please keep your photo and return the others."
When visiting his relatives in Ireland, Paddy asked old Uncle Sean, "Uncle, why did they build the railway station three kilometres out of town?" "Well, Padd, y'see, when building a railway station, 'tis a good idea to have it near the trains."
"This", she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No madam." replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
Dear Abby -
I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.
In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my cousin who works for Microsoft?
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
** ELEPHANT HUNTING **
In order to hunt elephants:
A PROGRAMMER
1. Begins at the tip of South Africa;
2. Performs alternating west to east and east to west searches
3. Decrements the latitude argument in a non integer sequence between each search;
4. Finds an animal;
5. Compares found animal to a known elephant;
6. If found animal matches known elephant terminates search else resumes at 3;
7. end;
AN EXPERIENCED PROGRAMMER
Places an elephant in Cairo, Egypt to ensure that the search will terminate properly before initiating the above.
AN ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMER
Will perform the same search on hands and knees.
A MATHEMATICIAN
Will first develop a hypothesis supporting the existence of a unique elephant before proceeding with the search as a subordinate operation, collecting all animals found, testing them against the hypothesis and discarding all that don't fit.
A PROFESSOR OF MATHEMATICS
Will first develop a hypothesis supporting the existence of a unique elephant before sending his/her students on the search, requiring that they collect all animals found, test them against the hypothesis, and bring all matching animals to him for publication.
AN ENGINEER
After determining that an elephant is mammal, gray and weighs 3.628739*(10^3) Kg, will begin the search collecting all gray mammals. When the weight of one of the collected gray mammals equals the specified weight of an elephant, +/- 10%, the search will be terminated.
TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMISTS
Don't hunt elephants. They believe that if you give the elephants a small tax incentive, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS
Hunt the first animal they encounter `n' times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS
Don't actually hunt elephants and indeed may never have hunted elephants, but they can be hired at great expense by the hour, plus expenses, of course, to advise those who do.This will include the time it takes to find out what an elephant is.
POLITICIANS
Don't hunt elephants but will share any elephants YOU catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS
Don't hunt elephants, but they do follow herds around arguing about who owns the shit.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS
Will claim that they know who owns the entire herd based on the look and feel of one pile of shit.
CEO's
May try to hunt elephants but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the CEO does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the CEO sees them. If the CEO does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, the staff will:
1) Compliment the CEO's keen eyesight, and
2) Enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGEMENT
Sets broad elephant hunting policies based on the assumption that elephants are just like big field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE STAFF
Ignore the elephants and spend their time looking for mistakes the hunters made while packing the jeep.
SALES STAFF
Don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants the hunters haven't caught yet, and promising delivery two days before the opening of elephant hunting season.
SOFTWARE SALES STAFF
Ship the first thing they catch, write up an invoice for an elephant, modify the documentation to match and promise a real elephant at the next update.
HARDWARE SALES STAFF
Catch rabbits, paint them grey and sell them as lap top elephants.
MBAs
Only hunt elephants they can see from where they're standing.
A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.
"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
There was an old man riding the bus when a young punk rocker with long tri-colored hair, nose rings, etc., boarded the bus and sat across from him. The old man was staring very hard at the youngster, so the youngster said, "Hey old man, why are you staring at me, didn't you ever do anything outrageous when you were young?"
The old man replied "Yes I did. When I was young, I was in the islands and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."
There were three morons that went into a bar and told the bartender to set up drinks for everyone in the house. The bartender asked the three what the occasion was. The smartest of the group told him they were celebrating 51 days. "51 days?" asked the barkeep, what's so special about 51 days?" The smart one looked at him with enormous pride and said "The puzzle box said 4 to 6 years!"
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note TO GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Wife Jokes:
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married but Joe, the other brother, was single and the owner of a small dilapidated boat.
It happened that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's boat sank. A kind old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for his brother John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up; she smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad hole in the front, and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place.
"What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they would like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, she cracked right down the middle."
The old lady fainted.
An American was visiting France, where he asked three Frenchmen a question:
"What is savoir faire?"
The first replied, "Savoir faire is when a man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man and says 'pardonne moi.' THAT is savoir faire."
The second said, "No, no, no, that is not savoir faire! Savoir faire is when a man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man and says 'pardonne moi. Continué, sil vous plaît.' THAT is savoir faire."
The third Frenchman said, "No, no, no, they are both wrong! Savoir faire is when a man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man and says 'pardonne moi. Continué, sil vous plaît.' And then the other man, if he continué, THAT is savoir faire!"
Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said " I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God".
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, " I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good", says the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. " Oh no, " she thought, I'm not gonna like this. " Little Johnny, which part of the body goes to heaven first?" she asked.
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, " Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, " Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my Mom had her feet up in the air and she said, " Oh God, I'm coming!", but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."
A guy gets on an airplane and sits next to a very attractive young lady with NAN emblazoned on the front of her t-shirt.
The guy, with intent to score, says, "So Nan, how do you like flying?"
The lady says, "My name isn't Nan, NAN stands for the National Association of Nymphos."
The guy says, "What does the NAN do?"
She says, "We have meetings to discuss the best lovers."
He asks her who the best lovers are and she replies, "The best lovers are Jews and Native-Americans."
He says, "Let me introduce myself, I'm Tonto Goldstien."
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER...
If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
If you enjoy pain.
If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
If when you look in a mirror, you see an engineering major.
If it is sunny and 27 C outside, and you are working on a computer.
If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
If you always do homework on Friday nights.
If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
If you think in "math."
If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down
its wave function.
If you have a pet named after a scientist.
If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
If you can translate English into Binary.
If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
If you understood more than five of these indicators.
If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
This biker goes to the county fair. He spends some time looking at the sideshows, wondering what to have some fun with, when he sees a bucking bronco machine, and decides to take a crack at it. So he gets on the machine, and its operator sets the controls to '3'. Off the machine goes with the biker on the back screaming and shouting and waving his hat in the air.
"Heck, we've got a right film star here" thinks the machine's operator. "I'll soon get rid of this clown!" So he whacks the controls up to '7', then '8' and finally '10'. Still the biker is riding away on top of the machine. After about 5 more minutes, the machine's operator realises that he's *never* going to get rid of this guy, so he shuts the machine down and goes running over to talk.
"You've done this before, haven't you?"
"No, never"
"How come you're so dammned good at it then?"
"I've really no idea..." The biker paused, "Mind you, my wife has epilepsy.."
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay???
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective
Your loving daughter,
-- Student, Fill in Name Here --
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
A guy was playing golf at some fancy club, and just as he was about to tee off , a cart drives up. These two guys get out and hand him a note saying, "We are deaf mutes, may we play through?". The guy says, "Hell no!", and tees off anyway. Later on (after six shots), he is on the green about to putt when a ball comes from out of nowhere and misses his head by an inch. "What the @#$%^&*?", he yells, as the deaf mutes drive up and hand him a note that says, "FORE".
There's a tribe of headhunters that don't just shrink heads, but other boyparts too; ladies breasts. The headhunters soak the breasts in a red berry juice, and then leave them out in the sun to dry out; leaves them a nice red color. In fact, the headhunters are so proud of their bodypart collections, they have the bodyparts numbered and on display in huts made just for that purpose. One day somebody notices that there are missing numbers in the breast collection, and tells the chief. The chief has a warrior hide behind an animal skin in the hut at night; just waiting to catch the thief. To the warrior's amazement, a tiny bird flies into the hut and starts to pick up a breast; the thief is a bird! Well the warrior brings bird to the chief, and tells him the story. The chief looks at the bird and says, "So you're the thievin woodpecker!". The bird replies, "I'm not a thievin woodpecker. I'm a robin red breast!".
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
The Tool Man
I was walking through my bedroom on a recent Sunday morning when I suddenly had a feeling that something was wrong. I'm not sure how I knew; perhaps it was a ``sixth sense'' I've developed after years of home ownership. Or perhaps it was the fact that there was water coming out of the ceiling.
But whatever tipped me off, I knew that I had a potentially serious problem, so I did not waste time. Moving swiftly but without panic, I went into the living room and read the entire sports section of the newspaper, thus giving the problem a chance to go away by itself. This is one of the four recommended methods for dealing with a household problem, the other three being (1) wrapping the problem with duct tape; (2) spraying the problem with a product called ``WD-40''; and (3) selling the home, and then telling the new owners, ``Hey, it never did that when WE owned it.''
Unfortunately, when I went back to the bedroom, the ceiling was still dripping. My wife, Michelle, suggested that maybe there was water sitting on the roof and leaking into the house, but I knew, as an experienced guy of the male gender, that she was wrong. I knew that the problem was the plumbing. It's time that we homeowners accepted the fact that plumbing is a bad idea. Many historians believe that the primary reason why the Roman empire collapsed is that the Romans attempted to install plumbing in it. Suddenly, instead of being ruthless, all-conquering warriors, they became a bunch of guys scurrying around trying to repair leaking viaducts. (Tragically, the Romans did not have ``WD-40.'')
So I knew that our plumbing had broken, and I also knew why it had chosen that particular morning: We had a houseguest. Plumbing can sense the arrival of a houseguest, and it often responds by leaking or causing toilets to erupt like porcelain volcanoes. And of course our plumbing had waited until Sunday, which meant that the plumber would not come for at least a day, which meant that it was up to me, as a male, to climb up into the attic and do the manly thing that men have had to do as long as men have been men: shine a flashlight around.
``Maybe you should check the roof first,'' said Michelle. ``Maybe there's water sitting up there.''
She was fixated on this roof theory. Women can be like that. I had to explain to her, being as patient as possible considering that I had urgent guy tasks to perform, that she was being an idiot, because THE PROBLEM WAS THE PLUMBING.
So I got my flashlight and climbed up a ladder into the attic, where I was able, thanks to my experience as a homeowner and my natural mechanical sense, to get pieces of insulation deep into my nose. I was not, however, able to locate the source of the leak, because my attic turned out to be a cramped, dark, dirty, mysterious place with pipes and wires running all over the place, and off in the distance -- just out of flashlight reach, but I could definitely sense its presence -- a tarantula the size of the Rev. Jerry Falwell.
So I came briskly back down the ladder and told Michelle that, to stop the plumbing from leaking, I was going to turn off all the water to the house until the plumber came. Speaking in clipped, efficient, manly sentences, I instructed Michelle to fill containers with water and write a note for the houseguest telling him how to flush his toilet with a bucket.
``Before we do all that,'' she said, ``Maybe you should check the . . .''
``DON'T TELL ME TO CHECK THE ROOF!'' I explained. ``STOP TALKING ABOUT THE ROOF! THE PROBLEM IS THE PLUMBING!''
Sometimes a man has to put his manly foot down.
So while Michelle wrote toilet-flushing instructions for our houseguest and prepared a small apologetic basket of fruit and cookies, I tried to locate the valve that would shut off all the water. This was very difficult, because our plumbing system turns out to have approximately one valve for every water molecule. We could start a roadside tourist attraction (``TURN HERE FOR THE AMAZING VALVE FOREST'').
The fascinating thing is, not one of these valves controls the flow of water to our particular house. I shut a number of them off, and nothing happened. So if, on a recent Sunday, the water stopped flowing in your home or store or nuclear power plant, that was probably my fault.
Since I could not turn off our water, our ceiling continued to leak all Sunday night, so that by morning our bedroom carpet was a federally protected wetland habitat teeming with frogs, turtles, Mafia-hit victims, etc. So we were very happy when the plumber arrived. And if you are a student of literary foreshadowing, you know exactly what he did: He looked at the ceiling, went outside, got a ladder, climbed up on the roof, and found some water sitting up there. It couldn't drain because there was a little place clogged by leaves. The plumber fixed it in maybe 10 seconds. I could have easily fixed it myself at any time in the previous 24 hours if I had not been so busy repairing our plumbing. I wrote the check in a manly manner.
So far Michelle, showing great self-restraint, has said ``I told you so'' only about 450,000 times. Fine. She's entitled. But don't YOU start on me, OK? Not if you want me to turn your water back on.
Two sperm were swimming along enthusiastically toward the egg, eager to fulfill their set goal and fertilize it, thus creating a new and beautiful life. Without missing a focused stroke, one sperm said to the other "How much further to the egg would you say?". "Quite a way to go yet I'd reckon, "replied his spermatozoid friend, "we've only just passed the tonsils!"
Confucious say:
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Tarzan's swinging through the jungle, minding his own business, when he gets captured by a tribe of natives. They decide to perform a blood sacrifice to their god, Lorenadapeni, and chop his unit off.
He, amazingly, survives through the ordeal. But now he no longer feels befitting of the title, the Lord of the Apes. So he swings through the jungle to see his old friend the witch doctor.
"What can I do ?!?!?!?!?!"
The witch doctor says, "don't worry Tarzan, I have this spare elephant trunk. We'll have you fixed up good as new."
So the witch doctor attachs the trunk to Tarzan, and casts a spell. Tarzan wakes up with typical male morning dilemma, "ALRIGHT!!!! ," he says, "I like it!!" Off he swings through the jungle.
Two weeks later he returns to the witch doctor, for his post surgical routine checkup. "How's it hanging? Does it work alright?" asks the witch doctor.
Tarzan replies "It works great except for one thing."
"What's that?" the doctor inquires.
"If I swing to low to the ground, it keeps reaching down, grabbing grass, and shoving it up my ass."
There was a boy playing in his grandparents yard while his grandpa watched from the porch. At that point, a worm squirmed up to the surface of the dirt and the boy pulled it out of the hole. Grandpa, on the porch said, "I'll give you $5 if you can get the worm back into the hole." The boy tried and tried, but couldn't get the soft, squirmy worm back into the hole. After a few minutes he went into the house and came back with a can of hairspray. He sprayed the worm. It became very hard and the boy was able to put it back in the hole. The grandpa laughed and gave the boy his $5. "That was a good trick!" he said. The next day, the boy was again playing in the yard when his grandpa came over and handed him another $5. The boy was confused and said, "What is this for?" The grandpa smiled and said, "Your Grandma thought that it was a neat trick too!"
The other day I was sitting in the doctor's office when a nun came running out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didn't even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left. About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, "Doctor, what on earth happened in there?" The doctor replied, "Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant." "Pregnant? A nun? That's impossible!", said the nurse. "I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time ( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied," I work for the IRS."
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on ten percent to begin with, telling the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to twenty percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to fifty and finally one hundred percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. But when they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
There were two canibals in a desert. They find a dead guy in the sand and one starts at the head the other starts at the foot. One says to the other "Hey, how's it going over there?" And the other replies "I'm having a ball". Then the first guy goes "Wow! You're a fast eater!"
An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical.
When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him mentally."
The old woman questions, "Whatever do you mean?"
The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great.
He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in the fridge again!"
Q:What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A:Both like a tight seal.
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wondered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know;it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka.
Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife
asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
Parrots
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
Danish Trouble
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's: a Poodle, a Terrier and a Great Dane. They're all discussing what they're in for.
The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every time he turns up I'm after him down the path. The Post Office have complained to my owners and they've agreed to put me down."
All the dogs agree that this is a great shame.
The Poodle then states why it's at the vet's. "Every time I see a car I'm over the fence and chasing after it. It's great fun, the problem is that a car I was chasing yesterday swerved to avoid me and crashed, killing the driver. My owners have decided that I should be put down so that I don't cause any more accidents." The Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear his story.
"Well, my owner had just had a bath" he says "she was bending over in the bedroom drying her legs, and I just couldn't resist it, I climbed aboard and had my way with her."
"So are you here to be put down as well then?" asked the Poodle.
"No" came the reply, "I'm getting my nails trimmed"
Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Dad: Sure son, what's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?
Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.
That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.
The next morning...
Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.
Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.
Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.
GETTING THE SHAFT
Several years ago Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger that the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000.00. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the German Study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust the British or German studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete. It came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger that the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
DROPPING THE HABIT
Two nuns are hard at work painting the monastery. It is very, very hot and one nun says to the other,
"Do you think it would be evil if we took our habits off since we're working so hard and it's so hot?"
The other nun said, "Well, we're all alone and no one ever comes here, to the monastery, so it will be fine".
So the nuns took their habits off and were painting in the nude when all of a sudden, a knock was heard at the door. "Who's there?" they cried in a panic.
"The blind man," came the reply.
"Well," said the first nun, "if he's blind, it won't make any difference."
The nuns opened the door.
"Nice tits!" said the man. "Where do you want me to put the blinds?"
SOLE ASYLUM
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own croc!" To which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same!"
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the two Marines," he thought.
Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the lad, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay.
Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
JUST DESERT
A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"
The Man Who Loved Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the 'phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the 'phone farewells (indicating the end of his Loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
A fellow from Boston was in Atlanta, GA, visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable Southern way of life - something he was not accustomed to, being from Boston.
While he was walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until he was dead.
As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star reporter for the Atlanta newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous.

"ATLANTA MAN SAVES
CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH,"

the headlines would proclaim.
The would-be savior explained that it was very nice, but he was from Boston - not Atlanta. The next day the headlines of the Atlanta paper read:

"YANKEE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET.
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Given:
Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
Prove:
Barney is Satanic
Solution:
The Romans had no letter 'U' and used 'V' instead for printing, meaning the Roman representation for Barney would be:
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
C V V L D I V
Decimal Equivalents are:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
Adding those numbers produces: 666
666 is the number of the beast.
Therefore, Barney is Satan.
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Here's a short list of useful sayings for when travelling in Arabic countries.
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!
Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.
Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
[source: U.S. Navy unofficial memo]