Pilot: November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to land ?
Tower: Oh, who's talking ?
Pilot: Me
Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ?
Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727 ?
Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL ?
Pilot: More or less
Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL
Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna ?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic
Pilot: ... request heading 110 to avoid"
Radar: Ro avoid what ?
Pilot: To avoid delay
Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot: Radar, I dont seem to be making much progress here. How is my groundspeed ?
Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are doing very well.
Captain: (after landing a bit rough)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one.
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Ground: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?"
Pilot: "Just as each Monday, to Hamburg."
Ground: "But today is Tuesday!"
Pilot: "Tuesday? But that's our day off!""
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
Controller: "Japanair 123 confirm you are on course to ARURA?"
Pilot: "Ah, Logel, Logel."
Controller: " No, no, Sir. Not to LOGEL. It is not on your route!"
Pilot: "Santa Monica Tower, be advised that there are numerous Piegons on short final"
Tower: "Roger. They are all on frequency and cleared to land."
Pilot: "Cotonou Tower, 5NAAF VFR from Lagos to Cotonou reporting
national boundary this time estimate your field at 10.15."
Tower: " Ah, Ah, fife Novemba Affa Affa Foxetott watta you tipe of avion?"
Pilot: "This is a DHCI Chipmunk."
Tower: "....ah, say again."
Pilot: "DHCI Chipmunk . . . . . C H I P M U N K."
Tower: "Aahah...... a shitmonk!"
Controller: "Just let you know on the approach you were a little left of the centerline."
Pilot: "That is correct, Sir. And my first officer was slightly to the right."
A poor student pilot not knowing where he got to:
"Unknown airport with a Cessna 150 circling overhead. Identify yourself, please"
Pilot: ". . . . good mornig, Sir, . . . . . . ."
Controller (interrupts): "Don't call me 'Sir', I have to work for my Money!"
"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch."
If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.
"What's the purpose of the propeller?"
"To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!"
After a hard landing, the Captain and first Officer were standing in the door way to apologise for the landing.
When this old Lady walked by, she said to the Captain:
"Please tell me young man, did you realy land this airplane, or did we get shot down?
Pilot 1: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Pilot 2 (replies): "1957."
Pilot 1: "Wow . . . . That seems like an awfully long time ago!"
Pilot 2 (looking at his watch): "Not really - it's only 2130 now."
Radar: "Air France 1234, Confirm are you an airbus 320 or 340?"
Pilot: "340, of course."
Radar: "In this case, would you mind switching on the other two engines and giving me 1000 ft/min or more?"
Pilot: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Controller: " . . . no radar target yet. Are you in a big shower area presently?"
Pilot: "No . . . . not that I know."
Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, hello, cleared to land 16, wind calm . . . . and by the way; this is Wien Tower."
Pilot(after a short break): "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the Outher Marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once moore: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot (thinking hard): "Confirm this is not Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!"
Pilot (after another break): "But why? We want to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."
Tower: "1234, clear to land"
Pilot: "roger, 1234"
Tower: "1234, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"
Pilot: "Say again, I can't hear you because there a some darn horn blaring in my ear!"
Tower: "1234, Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"
Pilot: "Say what, I can't understand you"
Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw shit."
Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgen, taxi to your gate." The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"
Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground : "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"
Speedbird (cool): "Yes, 1944, but I didn't stop."
Tower: "Clipper 2314, Do you have Charlie?"
Pilot: "Negative, we left him back at the hanger, Clipper 2314!"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Echo?"
Pilot: "Negative, recieving you loud and clear, Clipper 2314!"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Hotel?"
Pilot: "Negative, We are staying with friends, Clipper 2314!"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Juliet?"
Pilot: "Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife, Clipper 2314!"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Kilo?"
Pilot: "Negative, but I think there are a couple roaches in the ashtray, Clipper 2314!"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Mike?"
Pilot: "Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset, Clipper 2314!"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Oscar?"
Pilot: "Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year, Clipper 2314!"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Papa?"
Pilot: "Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week, Clipper 2314!"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Romeo?"
Pilot: "Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo, Clipper 2314?"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Uniform?"
Pilot: "Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt, Clipper 2314!"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Victor?"
Pilot: "Negative, Who is Victor, Clipper 2314?"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Xray?"
Pilot: "Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan, Clipper 2314!"
Tower: "Clipper 2314, do you have Whiskey?"
Pilot: "Negative, not in last 8 hours, am I not on assigned heading, Clipper 2314?"
The Pilot's Prayer
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come,
thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella... WHOA"
Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"
... what really happens at US airports.
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little to high... San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin back, man!"
An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped". Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebie" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?".
The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".
Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights.
As far as I know, they are still on the tarmac fighting it out.
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow."
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch."
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach,  "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll give you a slap."
Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard."
Ace Pilot
Zack volunteered for military service during WWII. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base.
All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zero's. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet he found 10 more Japanese plans and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the Captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, Sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!!"
Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and brush down the reindeer.
Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and smiled: "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
A supposedly true story
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Trufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "BOB". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about a half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the was we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." after a short pause and several clicks "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now" As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after, "Don't forget the coffee!!"
United Airlines PA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation--the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost--water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.
The story about the pilot ground school got me thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would take time to answer any of our stupid First Timer Questions. One guy asked:
"If our chute doesn't open... and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have 'til we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."