"Hackerspeak" identified as separate language

PARIS - Members of the International Linguistics Committee today have determined that "Hackerspeak," a strange and rare dialect spoken among young computer enthusiasts, is in fact a separate, complete, and distinct language, according to widely accepted linguistic definitions.
"Hackerspeak contains a complete phonology, lexicon, and morphology that identify it as distinct from anything we have seen in human language to this point," said ILC President and All Around Nutty Guy Noam Chomsky. "We are currently doing heavy field research and analysis on IRC channels and newsgroups across the Internet to learn as much as possible about this new and mysterious language."
"d00000dz!! \/\/3 H@v3 R 0Wn 1@nGu@g3!! \/\/3 R 3Li73!!!!!," exclaimed one Hackerspeak speaker, identified only as "k00l @z iCe." "|-|aX0rZ uv th3 \/\/0rld Un173!" added another.
Currently, the US Congress is considering legislation that would allocate resources for the study of Hackerspeak as a foreign language in high schools and public universities. Whole new programs to teach English as a second language (ESL) to native Hackerspeak speakers may be developed.
The ILC is also on the verge of officially designating another new, distinct language: Corporate Buzzwordese. "Such a discovery could create a paradigm shift in the matrix of corporate synergy, leading us to revitalize our strategic alliances, require a more pro-active approach to values-oriented methodology, and 'think outside of the box' next time we are forced to downsize," one CEO said. A translator was unavailable at press time.
KABINDA, ZAIRE--In a move IBM officials are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut. Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it."
Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
Just after Ndeti shattered the nut, a 200-person Southern Baptist gospel choir, on hand for the taping of the IBM commercial, broke out into raucous, joyous song in celebration of the tribesman's accomplishment.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems.
"Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."
According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."
Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.
"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard."
Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual.
IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers.
"We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village."
The Bantu tribesmen are members of an ever-growing, international community of users who have turned to IBM to solve their networking needs. Jean-Claude DuMont, a goatherder from the French region of Brittany who is working on an Indiana University Ph.D. in biology via internet, recently looked into IBM's new computer-satellite data uplink, which offers instant access to all library files worldwide.
"With IBM's new uplink service, I can access any file I want, any time I want," DuMont told fellow goatherder Pierre Valmont during a recent walk through a rye field. "I can even find out how many points Michael Jordan scored last night."
Responded Valmont: "Radical."
[To the tune of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song]
I never really wanted to be a scientist.
I wanted to be...a...A SYSADMIN!
[system engineer choir and shift supervisor enter, music strikes up]
Oh, I'm a sysadmin and I'm OK,
I grep all night and I chown all day.
[choir] He's a sysadmin and he's OK,
He greps all night and he chowns all day.
I ping the nodes, I do PM, I awk and perl and sed.
I've got a Star Wars lunchbox, and Tron sheets on my bed!
[choir] He pings the nodes, he does PM, he awks and perls and seds.
He's got a Star Wars lunchbox, and Tron sheets on his bed!
[repeat chorus]
I ping the nodes, I change the rates, I fork the processes.
I wish that all my lusers would catch some rare disease!
[choir, growing slightly uncomfortable]
He pings the nodes, he changes rates, He forks the processes.
He wishes all his lusers would catch some rare disease!
[choir brightens as they repeat chorus]
I ping the nodes, I lock the /home partition and umount.
I post .gifs of my boss's daughter from his account!
[choir, very uncomfortable and trailing off]
He pings the nodes, he locks the /home partition and umounts...??
This morning, my technoincompetent girlfriend called and woke me at the ungodly hour of 9:00. She came into her hospital job, sat in her cube, to find her computer had locked up, and their tech support people were not in yet, and would I please tell her what to do.
"Is the dictation machine on?" I queried.
"Yes. Why?"
"I've seen this before. The CPU is waiting for an IRQ interrupt from the voice input, and has hung. What you need to do is say, loudly (because the CPU is slow when it is hung) "CLEAR", and hold down the control key, the delete key, and the alt key, all at the same time."
A second passes as she was searching out the three keys. Then I hear "CLEAR", and the sound of her typing.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Well, the screen went blank"
"Oh, damnit! You didn't say it loudly enough. Try again, only louder."
"Okay...CLEAR.....same thing."
"You might be losing your hard disk. Is the microphone close to your mouth? Do it again."
Wait a beat, I hold the phone away from my ear, "CLEAR......nothing"
"Is there anybody standing nearby who might be able to help"
"Well, yeah, they just walked in..."
"Good." Then I hung up on her.
Jake the inventor is struggling through the air terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and ask "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "Its a quarter to six" he says.
Hay, that's a pretty fancy watch" exclames the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. I've been working on it for months - Check this out" - and he shows him the time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "the time is eleven till six" in a Cape Cod accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Spanish then Japanese. Jake continues "Ive also put in regiona accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "Thats not all" says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. " The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning" explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the dispaly changes to show eastern New York State.
"I want to buy this watch" Says the stranger.
"Oh,no, its not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs."
"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can mesure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout, and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recording of up to 300 standard-sized books. "though I only have 32 of my most favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"Ive got to have that watch" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; its not ready"
"I'll give you $1,000 for it".
"Oh, no, I've already slpent more that than--"
"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
"But its just not-"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook' Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hay, wait a minute", calls Jake to the stranger, who turns around warily. Jakes points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to werstle through the terminal.
"Don't forget your hard drive and batteries".
From New Scientist, August 28, 1993, Feedback column:
"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers- such as their political affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.
The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard." The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."
On the phone with a programmer friend of mine recently, I noticed a couple of times he said complimentary things about Microsoft. I didn't understand why until he mentioned, later in the call, that he'd been taking some Microsoft technical classes recently.
A few minutes later he _again_ said something nice about MS, and I asked "So, have they been brainwashing you in these Microsoft classes you've been taking?"
He chuckled. "Well, I have to admit that, contrary to popular belief, Microsoft is _not_ Satan incarnate."
My response: "So that would be a 'yes' answer, then?"

Linux declared "ready for the Enterprise"

SAN FRANCISCO - At a press conference today at Federation headquarters, Starfleet pronounced Linux "ready for the Enterprise," lauding the open-source operating system's performance in recently completed trials aboard the Federation flagship. The Starfleet IS department will begin installing the system in all ship's departments starting next week.
"Linux is most definitely ready for the Enterprise," said Commander Data. "You just need to change a few constants to handle the 4 trillion kiloquads of address space, patch in a special driver for the ODN network, and compile it on GCC for nanoprocessors. And it is very stable too... no transporter glitches so far!"
Linux was evaluated in extensive trials comparing its performance to Windows NT 4.0. Sources said NT's lack of stability in mission-critical operations was an overriding consideration in the eventual choice of Linux; said one engineer who wished to remain anonymous, "You don't want to be there when a transporter pattern buffer throws up a Blue Screen of Death."
Another consideration against NT was strange behavior produced after individual Microsoft programs were installed. Says one weapons officer, "We installed Internet Explorer over Netscape on the targeting workstation. The first time we started IE it locked the phasers on Netscape headquarters and asked, 'Would you like to make Internet Explorer the default web browser?' I clicked yes... it's a good thing Joe got to the override switch before the entire city of Mountain View was vaporized. Oh yeah, and Windows Media Player disabled sound on the QuickTime movie player, so now I have to use Media Player instead. UNNGGGGHHH!"
Starfleet engineers had hoped to show off a Linux-powered holographic replica of Linux founder Linus Torvalds at the press conference, but were unable to do so due to slow progress in the holodeck display driver development effort. "The manufacturer wouldn't release their hardware specs," grumbled one of the developers.
Spokesdroids for Microsoft, who purchased the Borg in a $38 billion stock swap last year, were unavailable for comment.
A tech writer dies and arrives in Hell, where Satan growls, "I gotta escort these other sinners into the pit, lady. Take a seat and wait a minute!"
Terrified, the tech writer peeks behind a door and sees a tech writer agonizingly formatting 12 million lines of documentation on a flaming computer.
Aghast, she peeks behind a second door and sees a tech writer writing 23 million manuals on a mountain of screen captures written by a shrill, egomaniacal programmer who shrieks at every line.
In despair, she looks behind a third door and sees another tech writer like herself, chairing a never-ending meeting, munching bonbons, surrounded by fresh-faced admiring engineers offering her gifts of flowers, fresh fruit and fine wines and telling her she's a documentation genius.
Satan returns and asks, "Well, which door, 1 or 2?"
The tech writer says, "I'd like Door 3, please."
"You can't have Door 3," Satan says. "That's Engineer Hell."
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."
Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm.," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time."
He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.
"Yep, it's working," he concluded.
The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

You Might Be An Network Engineer if...

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
10 Reasons Santa must be a System Administrator
  1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
  2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
  3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
  4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
  5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
  6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
  7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
  8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
  9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
  10. a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.


In the spirit of fairness, since the post took a swipe at PC's, the following is submitted:
Mac owners are the type of people who:
Some interesting Computer Definitions
BITA word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOTWhat your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
BUGWhat your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
CHIPSThe fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPYWhat you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
CURSORWhat you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
DISKWhat goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMPThe place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
ERRORWhat you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
EXPANSION UNITThe new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILEWhat a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
FLOPPYThe condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").
HARDWARETools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBMThe kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENUWhat you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
MONITOROften thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
PROGRAMSThose things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
RETURNWhat lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
TERMINALA place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOWWhat you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

My best friend, Chuck, purchased a new portable computer for his job. He travels a lot, and needs to have all the important information at his fingertips.
Unfortunately, in installing all the software an insidious new computer virus was also installed. This new virus randomly inserted profanity and scatological references into his printed copy, but didn't display them on the screen. Since Chuck trusted his Spell Checker software, he never proofread his copy, and in short order he'd insulted most of his friends and all of his business associates.
When one of his more outspoken friends finally brought the situation to his attention, Chuck was very humiliated and became extremely depressed. He then developed an irrational desire to punish his computer, and he tried several methods to punish his computer for the grief it had brought him.
First, he attempted to cause corrosion of the power supply terminals by sprinkling them with sodium and calcium chloride from highway deicing barrels. Next, he scraped away the solder joints from the board. Finally he threw the whole system out the eighth floor window of his hotel.
Poor Chuck's actions were reported to the Computer Protection Services. The next morning, he was arrested and charged with . . . a salted battery, breach of contacts, and making an obscene clone fall.

Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steakes eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it to say
weather eye am wrong or write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-Sauce unknown-
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Signs that you may be a TechnoPagan
  1. If casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float) ...
  2. If drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test)...
  3. If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks
  4. If passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command...
  5. If the address of your covenstead begins with http://...
  6. If you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '95 .
  7. If you call the Watch Towers on your cell-tell ...
  8. If you do cord magick with ethernet ...
  9. If you do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be ...
  10. If you don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro ...
  11. If you draw down the moon using a light-pen ...
  12. If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del ...
  13. If you have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun...
  14. If you invite the God and Goddess to come online ...
  15. If you keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups)...
  16. If you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF...
  17. If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR)...
  18. If you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming...
  19. If you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone ...
  20. If you ritually down your server for Samhain ...
  21. If you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape ...
  22. If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group ...
  23. If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number...
  24. If your OBE's begin with a netsplit ...
  25. If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over ...
  26. If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation ...
  27. If your altar cloth is a mouse pad ...
  28. If your altar has a keyboard ...
  29. If your athame has a SCSI interface ...
  30. If your candles have batteries ...
  31. If your cauldron is a crock-pot ...
  32. If your chimes are electronic ...
  33. If your circle is a token ring ...
  34. If your cone of power has a surge suppressor ...
  35. If your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area ...
  36. If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control ...
  37. If your daemons collect news for you ...
  38. If your deities include Murphy and Gates ...
  39. If your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded)...
  40. If your familiar is a computer mouse ...
  41. If your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight)
  42. If your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby ...
  43. If your incense is by Glade ...
  44. If your magic wand is a light pen ...
  45. If your magical name, email address, and online name are all the same...
  46. If your magical writing is done in binary code or C++...
  47. If your patron deity has a homepage ...
  48. If your pentacle is made of computer chips ...
  49. If your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector ...
  50. If your search for truth involves regular expressions...
  51. If your tarot cards multi-task ...
  52. If your technician complains about the wax and incense ash on your motherboard...
  53. If, instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run ...
And finally, if, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in ...

Well, you just might be a TechnoPagan!
The Hacker's Prayer...
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal (tm):
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the House of Mocha's forever.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
-- Ernst Jan Plugge
I'm wondering if anybody can help me with a problem I'm having on my computer at work. I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from Windows 3.14159, and I've noticed that whenever I'm running WordWanker Version (which I upgraded from in conjunction with FaxBuddy! Version, everything works fine for about the first 25 minutes, but then if I try to type the passive plupefect subjunctive form of the verb "procreate" (or any of its slang equivalents) the keyboard locks up permanently and the hard drive makes a whimpering sound and all current data is erased, including data in computers several cubicles away. I have tried everything, including reformatting my hard drive and exorcism. Please help!!!
I had exactly the same problem, and after a lot of trial and error I found out that if you click on the Windows Control Panel, then on Command Center, then on Reset Variables, then on Establish New Parameters, then on Define Standards, then on Modify Criteria, then on Effectuate Paradigms, then on the little icon labeled "Do Not Ever Click On This Little Icon" then go down to the box that says Enter New Value, and type in 2038, you will still have the same problem.
This is why my doctor tripled my Prozac dosage.
Is this what programmers call an "Easter Egg" or are there forces in the universe even stranger than this weeks X-Files episode?
  1. Open Microsoft Word
  2. Type in:
    I'd like Bill Clinton to resign
  3. Highlight entire phrase
You should see: "I'll drink to that"
If you don't believe me check it out for yourself!
Ed was a successful computer programmer and a happy family man. His life was blessed with a loving wife, 2 kids, three cats and a dog.
Ed loved taking Rusty the dog for his evening walk and was proud when his son, little Johnny, began asking to go along on Rusty's evening walks.
Little Johnny was an observant and curious child and one evening asked his father: "Daddy, why does Rusty always sniff that phone pole when we take him for his walk?"
Well, Ed wasn't sure how he should answer his son. How DOES one explain the way animals mark their territory to a 6-year-old? Stalling for time Ed asked: "What do you think he's doing Johnny?"
Johnny frowned in concentration, then brightened and said: "I know! I Know! He's checking his P-Mail!"
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.
The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.
Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.
Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer:
  1. Complimentary Tutoring
  2. .Large Earning Potential
  3. Can handle stress and strain in relationships
  4. Knows all the dynamics of relative motion
  5. Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
  6. FREE body diagrams
  7. Always back up their hard drives
  8. Trained to do it right the first time
  9. Specialized in experimentation
  10. Can go all night with no hint of "fatigue"

Yes, but it's common knowledge that Bill forfeited his soul to Satan to get where he is today.
Well, that's the short story. Bill actually forfeited his soul simply for the success that came with the first implementation of MS-DOS. And Satan was happy for a while.
Then one day Bill said, "Satan, I want 100 million dollars."
Satan said, "Why should I give you anything more? I already own your soul."
"That old thing?" Bill said. "Why, there are all kinds of sins that soul can't commit. I'm thinking of plans so evil that if you tried to get that soul to carry them out, it'd just freeze up."
"I does that already," Satan whined. "What does a soul mean when it says 'Abort Retry Ignore Fail'? What am I supposed to do?"
"You see?" smirked Bill. "You were never really satisfied with that soul anyway. You need the new improved version."
"But why should I pay?" whimpered Satan. "If I own your soul don't I have the right to free upgrades?"
"You're paying for research," Bill said smoothly. "I can't afford to just give it away. You understand, don't you?"
"But the only reason I need the new soul is because this one's defective." Satan scratched his head. It didn't seem like a good deal somehow.
"Look!" snapped Bill. "Do you want to keep that old soul? Fine. That's your lookout. I'll sell the new one to someone else and suddenly *he'll* be committing sins that make yours look stupid. Do you want to be stuck with my old soul when someone else has the upgrade?"
"It is a pretty crappy soul," Satan admitted. "All right. Another 100 million dollars."
"Oh, and you have to make me smarter, stronger, and faster or I can't control this new soul," Bill persisted.
"Fine. Consider it done."
This scene played itself out several times over the following years. Each time Bill got more money and became smarter, stronger, and faster so Satan could take advantage of the new soul. Each time it seemed that this new soul would be the right one, the one that sinned the way a soul *ought* to sin.
Each time Bill returned, slyly insinuating that this new soul was a piece of junk, outdated and outmoded, and that pretty soon he was going to stop doing sins this soul supported and only conceive of sins that were beyond its capabilities. This led, as we said, to more money and more power.
These days the conversations go easier than they used to. Satan's lost his will to resist. Bill strides into the office and says, "Hello, Satan."
And Satan replies, "Yes Master?"
Last we heard Satan was going to lay off most of the demons and restructure Hell as a satellite office. He's relocating to Seattle.
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...
.... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.


You have been sent a blessing. Those who have followed the instructions on this letter have received good fortune, as you will. The rewards of this letter supercede the promises of all other letters you may have received.
This is the final chain-letter you will ever send. It's instructions are simple, to receive the fortune that has graced those who have received this before you follow these steps.
*The grace that re-creates
  1. Make nine unaltered copies of this note, and send each copy to a friend or stranger within nine days of receiving this. This completed, you will have received not only luck and positive karma, but you have been PERMANENTLY released from the obligation to send another chain-letter.
* The snake that eats its own tail.
  1. Never heed another chain-letter. By sending this letter you have already incurred the fortune promised by all future letters you will receive.
Ignore or destroy all future chain-letters that you come in contact with.
To send another chain-letter is to break the gift giving you by this letter.
If you have already received and sent this letter, and you are receiving it again, destroy this copy..
This letter will circle the globe, freeing its recipients from the need to send future chain-letters, and, its task completed, will eventually destroy itself in the same manner.
Not sending this letter curses you with ill-fortune that is the dark mirror of the good fortune you could have received. To ignore this letter is to receive the bad luck or ill-fortune mentioned in all future chain letters you
will receive.
Only those who follow the instructions above will receive the double blessing of luck and freedom from all future chain-letters.
Just as sending it blessed you with the luck of all chain letters, not sending it curses you with the misfortune.. Sending another chain-letter after this one curses you doubly.
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
  1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
  4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
  7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
  8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
  9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
  10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
  11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
  14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
  15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
  16. User Error: Replace user.
  17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
  18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

"Microsoft's biggest and most dangerous contribution to the software industry may be the degree to which it has lowered user expectations."
-- Esther Schlindler
OS/2 Magazine
There are four basic types of chain letters:

Chain Letter Type I
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving Legless Armless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!!
(This is where you have to scroll down)

Really, go on and make one wish!!!

Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not *that* either, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes.
Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type III
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.
Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3 children and lived happily ever after.
Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.

Chain Letter Type IV
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in your sleep!!

There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care. Thanks!
Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.
TRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forget to delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it.
Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!"
Thank you.
From the "Read Me First" notice included with WIndows98:
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a higher number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed-permanently.
Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.
However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).
Billy's Mom's Letters
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:
Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too.

Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.
Sally Gates,
Concerned Parent
In case you send the "Billy-at-camp" to anyone again, Bill Gates' mother is "Mary," not that accuracy is important in a joke! (I live a few miles from Billy's home.) And maybe this saves some possilbe hassle (although you would *not* get it from Bill himself!)
P.S. FYI: Unimportant trivia: Bill Gates' mother was a *highly* respected member of this community loooooooooong before anyone knew of her son. She and her husband were upper class folks who were involved in charity work. Mary Gates was on the Board of Regents at the U. of Washington in Seattle (an extreme honor and *huge* responsibility) for many years before she got cancer a few years ago and died. A *large* UW building is being renovated and named for her, and a street has already been named after her. Before she died, Mary Gates told Bill ---- by then a rich recluse who REFUSED to EVER put on a tie or suit coat --- that it was his responsibility to put on a tuxedo, go to functions, and give away his money. Shortly thereafter, we saw Billy Boy in a tux for the first time and heard about his donations. We folks here generally admire and like Bill because of his parents and because he really has been a likeable guy! He's *never* been a stuffed shirt!
Lecturers often give computer demos during large lectures. One lecturer recently muttered this while logging in to our campus-wide system:
Lecturer: "Wrong password? ... Hmmm, Oh! Wrong daughter."
In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead PowerBook 165. Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional symptom provided was: whilst being carried from the customer's site to our service center, a 'sloshing' noise was heard within the machine.
"Has anything been spilt on this computer?" I inquired, but no, nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently. Taking this with a grain of salt (no-one's going to admit doing something that totally invalidates their warranty and effectively wrecks their computer) I went about filling in the repair order.
Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough, an address error on startup, just after 'Welcome to Macintosh'. I lowered my ear to the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear any sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather 'sharp' odor which seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine. Flicking the computer off and unplugging the adapter, I removed the battery from its compartment, only to observe that the entire battery casing was soaked in a fluid which appear to have a rainbow-like sheen (kind of like what a puddle of soapy water would look like -- oily and colorful). I also noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of the battery compartment onto the static mat, but appeared clear rather than multi-colored. My first thoughts were that the battery had somehow leaked acid out into the guts of the PowerBook, which would account for the sharp smell (which reminded me of ammonia), yet the battery terminals were about the one part of the battery that was dry. No, upon closer examination, I ruled the acid theory out. The battery was wet, but not leaking.
Tipping the machine on its side, I watched more fluid run out and coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of a compact disc. It was definitely clear, and I observed that the 'rainbow' effect had been caused by the reaction of the plastic battery casing to this 'mystery liquid'. I then unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of the PowerBook. The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger. The hard disk looked like a solid lump of rust, and the daughterboard appeared to have about three barbecued chips. Although I was quickly forming my own opinions on what had happened, I invited several of my workmates in to take a sniff and offer an opinion.
We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer, who seemed surprised when I asked the question: "Do you have a cat?" As it turned out, he didn't have a cat, but he did have a lovely fluffy bunny rabbit who was seen in the vicinity of the PowerBook only the day before. Yes, there was no doubt about it, little fluffy had hopped up onto the keyboard and downloaded some incompatible data. I checked the warranty form, but there was no provision for failure due to rabbit urine anywhere.
I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance company. In the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the customer upgraded to a 180c. I cleaned up the static mat and sprayed the service department with a healthy dosage of "Fresh Field of Flowers." I checked in with the customer about a week later, asked how was he enjoying the 180c, asked if he'd managed to restore his data, and, of course, asked how was his rabbit?
"Delicious," he said.
REDMOND (BNN) -- World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time."
At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."
The Boston Globe reported in 1999 that the MBTA (our local transit authority) "faces a 'year-2000' problem. That is when computers programmed only for dates in the 20th century may shut down or go bonkers because they will not recognize the shorthand '00' date as 2000."
It goes on to report that "the MBTA board directors approved a ...
FIVE-year program to fix the problem."
Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Sun, we don't piss on our hands."
I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download."
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms,I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother,and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded."


Call placed to 1-800-4-ONLINE, the number to order an AOL startup kit.
AOL: America Online, this is Diane speaking.
Me: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.
AOL: Okay sir what's your question?
Me: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called "cybersex"... does this cost extra?
AOL: *quiet laugh in the background* Well sir...I don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
Me: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well its something members typically do when they go to a chat room.
Me: Humm...I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry I really don't know how to explain it.
Me: Humm..well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Sir I don't think that's an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Me: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL: That's okay sir, anything else?
Me: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead
Me: What are you wearing?
AOL: *click*

New User Troubles.

AOL: America Online, this is Debby, how may I help you this evening?
Me: Yes, I'm trying to become an AOL member, but I'm having problems making my account.
AOL: Okay, what happening?
Me: It disconnects me saying Invalid Credit Card.
AOL: What kind of credit card are you using?
Me: Visa.
AOL: Are you sure your card isn't expired?
Me: Actually, it's a stolen credit card.
AOL: Pardon, sir?
Me: Yeah, I stole it. I just jumped some guy and pounded him until he gave me his card.
AOL: Umm, sir I'm sorry I can't help you.
Me: Aww, c'mon, I'll give you a cookie.
AOL: Sir I have to go. *click*
All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other scandals he's been accused of participating in.
Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the "Bill-gates".
No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of... Um... Oh, never mind.
Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to yours: Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps he has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to him, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth.
So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 63 cents.
That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.
A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.
That nice mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand, could buy the team for 100 Bill- bills.
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr.. Gates could buy three 747s. One for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.
Yet More:
Evan Marcus, a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey who maintains a Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that Bill could buy every single major league team in Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey for only about 35% of his net worth -- plenty left over to buy a European sport.
Of course then he wouldn't have around $150 for every person in the USA as he does now. Nor could he still give $6.70 to every person on the planet.
Marcus suggests that Bill could only pay Michael Jordan's 1997 salary only 1300 times, but that he could buy 902 million subscriptions to TV guide. He's also fascinated by how much all this money would be if put into dollar bills. Laid end to end, the Bills would stretch 3.8 million miles -- to the moon and back over 8 times. They could paper over all of Manhattan 7 times, or be stacked 2,690 miles high -- watch out for satellites. They would weigh 40,000 tons -- 100 times the weight of one of those 747s he bought above.
But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national debt. Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%. It's nice to put things in perspective.
I once worked for a company which had a harrassed personnel manager who once said, "Why are all good programmers raging paranoids?"
I tried to explain to him that only people who expected everything to go wrong really understood what was going on.
Not to mention the fact that, for many, this paranoia has been learned through experience.
Programmer 1: 'There's a nice quote here - "Always code as if the person who will maintain your code is a violent psychopath who knows where you live"'.
Programmer 2: (Looks over at maintainer) 'What do you "as if"?'
A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are quotes from real managers out there. Anyone recognise any? :)
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used for company business.
Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
A Helicopter was flying toward Seattle when an electrical malfunktion disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the extreme haze that day, the pilot now had no way of determining the course to the airport. All he could make out was a tall building nearby, so he moved closer to it, quickly wrote out a large sign reading "Where am I?" and held it in the choppers window.
Responding quickly, the people in the building penned a large sign of their own. It read: "You are in a helicopter."
The pilot smiled, and within minutes he landed safely at the airport. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked how the sign helped him determine their position.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft building," the pilot replied, "because like any computer company's help staff, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."


Frazzled Frances Wyndham believes the father of her unborn child is sitting behind a computer 1,500 miles away -- where he got her pregnant during an online sex chat!
"His words were so convincing it felt like we were actually having sex," Frances claims. "I could hear bells ringing and fireworks going off. My body reacted accordingly, and I became pregnant with his child. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I haven't had sex with anyone else in over two years. So who else could it be?"
Clarence Kudrow, the man she says impregnated her, is flabbergasted by Frances' charges -- especially since she's threatening to file a paternity suit. "I haven't been anywhere near Colorado in my life," said the 27 year old technician from Buffalo, N.Y.
Incredibly, Dr. John Swall, a leading expert in unusual pregnancies, says Francis Wyndham may be right.
"If she had sex two years ago, there is a 5-million-to-one chance that some of the sperm survived but became dormant. Her high state of sexual excitement during the computer session could have helped revive what we call 'sleeping sperm,' that resulted in pregnancy. But to say Mr. Kudrow is the father is ridiculous."
There are only 18 known cases of 'sleeping sperm' pregnancy over a 25 year period in the United States. One Ohio widow got pregnant with her husband's baby nearly 38 months after they had sex for the last time before he died. Frances, a 26 year-old store clerk, met Clarence in an Internet chat room for singles. They later began having intimate conversations with each other over their computers. "It's the only explanation for my pregnancy," Frances said.
"We'll find out for sure when Clarence has to take a blood test."
On Apple's home page today there was nothing but three pictures and a message that told you to come back later for some interesting info. The pictures were: I immediately realized that this was a coded message:
Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has successfully brought a generation of products from Acme Toaster Corp's engineering labs to market. Bob is a wonder of mechanical ingenuity. All of us in the design department have the utmost respect for him, so I was honored when he appointed me the lead designer on the new Acme 2000 Toaster.
Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the marketing vice president today to hammer out the project's requirements and specifications. Here at Acme, our market share is eroding to low-cost imports. We agreed to meet a cost of goods of $9.50 (100,000). I've identified the critical issue in the new design: a replacement for the timing spring we've used since the original 1922 model. Research with the focus groups shows that consumers set high expectations for their breakfast foods. Cafe latte from Starbuck's goes best with a precise level of toastal browning. The Acme 2000 will give our customers the breakfast experience they desire. I estimated a design budget of $21,590 for this project and final delivery in seven weeks. I'll need one assistant designer to help with the drawing packages. This is my first chance to supervise!
Day 23: We've found the ideal spring material. Best of all, it's a well-proven technology. Our projected cost of goods is almost $1.50 lower than our goal. Our rough prototype, which was completed just 12 days after we started, has been servicing the employee cafeteria for a week without a single hiccup. Toastal quality exceeds projections.
Day 24: A major aerospace company that had run out of defense contractors to acquire has just snapped up that block of Acme stock sold to the Mackenzie family in the '50s. At a companywide meeting, corporate assured us that this sale was only an investment and that nothing will change.
Day 30: I showed the Acme 2000's exquisitely crafted toastal-timing mechanism to Ms. Primrose, the new engineering auditor. The single spring and four interlocking lever arms are things of beauty to me.
Day 36: The design is complete. We're starting a prototype run of 500 toasters tomorrow. I'm starting to wrap up the engineering effort. My new assistant did a wonderful job.
Day 38: Suddenly, a major snag happened. Bob called me into his office. He seemed very uneasy as he informed me that those on high feel that the Acme 2000 is obsolete -- something about using springs in the silicon age. I reminded Bob that the consultants had looked at using a microprocessor but figured that an electronic design would exceed our cost target by almost 50% with no real benefit in terms of toastal quality. "With a computer, our customers can load the bread the night before, program a finish time, and get a perfect slice of toast when they awaken," Bob intoned, as if reading from a script.
Day 48: Bill Compguy, the new microprocessor whiz, scrapped my idea of using a dedicated 4-bit CPU. "We need some horsepower if we're gonna program this puppy in C," he said, while I stared fascinated at the old crumbs stuck in his wild beard. "Time-to-market, you know. Delivery is due in three months. We'll just pop this cool new 8-bitter I found into it, whip up some code, and ship to the end user."
Day 120: The good news is that I'm getting to stretch my mechanical-design abilities. Bill convinced management that the old spring-loaded, press-down lever control is obsolete. I've designed a "motorized insertion port," stealing ideas from a CD-ROM drive. Three cross-coupled, safety-interlock microswitches ensure that the heaters won't come on unless users properly insert the toast. We're seeing some reliability problems due to the temperature extremes, but I'm sure we can work those out.
Day 132: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We've replaced the 8-bitter with a Harvard-architecture, 16-bit, 3-MIPS CPU.
Day 172: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.
Day 194: The auditors convinced management we really need a graphical user interface with a full-screen LCD. "You're gonna need some horsepower to drive that," Bill warned us. "I recommend a 386 with a half-meg of RAM." He went back to design Revision J of the pc board.
Day 268: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We've cured most of the electronics' temperature problems with a pair of fans, though management is complaining about the noise. Bob sits in his office all day, door locked, drinking Jack Daniels. Like clockwork, his wife calls every night around midnight, sobbing. I'm worried about him and mentioned my concern to Chuck. "Wife?" he asked. "Wife? Yeah, I think I've got one of those and two or three kids, too. Now, let's just stick another meg of RAM in here, OK?"
Day 290: We gave up on the custom GUI and are now installing Windows CE.
The auditors applauded Bill's plan to upgrade to a Pentium with 32 Mbytes of RAM. There's still no functioning code, but the toaster is genuinely impressive. Four circuit boards, bundles of cables, and a gigabit of hard-disk space. "This sucker has more computer power than the entire world did 20 years ago," Bill boasted proudly.
Day 384: Toastal quality is sub-par. The addition of two more cooling fans keeps the electronics to a reasonable temperature but removes too much heat from the toast. I'm struggling with baffles to vector the air, but the thrust of all these fans spins the toaster around.
Day 410: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We switched >From C++ to Java. "That'll get them pesky memory-allocation bugs, for sure," Bill told his team of 15 programmers. This approach seems like a good idea to me, because Java is platform-independent, and there are rumors circulating that we're porting to a SPARCstation.
Day 530: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. I mastered the temperature problems by removing all of the fans and the heating elements. The Pentium is now thermally bonded to the toast. We found a thermal grease that isn't too poisonous. Our marketing people feel that the slight degradation in taste from the grease will be more than compensated for by the "toasting experience that can only come from a CISC-based, 32-bit multitasking machine running the latest multiplatform software."
Day 610: The product shipped. It weighs 72 lb and costs $325. Bill was promoted to CEO.

What's internet sex?

-Bob- yo, a/s/l
-Jenny- 18/f/new york, u?
-Bob- wow, I'm 18 too. really, i am. wanna cyber?
-Jenny- sure!
* Bob sticks his stounge down your throate
* Jenny gigglez & strokes Bob's crotch
-Bob- Ugnh, Im cumming!
-Jenny- Alredy?
-Bob- well, i was masturbating befor you got here.
-Jenny- o.
Bill Gates talking to his lawyers -
You spent $150 million on what? I told you "SNAPPLE!"
"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"
"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"
"Bill Gates"
"Native language?"
"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."
"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"
"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."
"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Any pies then?"
"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."
"Just a minute.." "Okay, I'm back."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not"
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. "

Stop the Genocide!

Every second billions of innocent assembler instructions are executed all over the world. Inhumanly they are put on a pipeline and executed with no regard to their feelings. The illegal instructions are spared, although they should be executed instead of the legal ones.
Prior to the execution the instructions are transported to a cache unit using a bus. There they spent their last moments waiting for the execution. Just before the execution the instruction is separated into several pieces. The execution isn't always fast and painless. On crude hardware the execution of a complex instruction can take as long as 150 clock cycles. Scientists are working on shorter execution times.
Modern machines use several units to execute multiple instructions simultaneously. This way it is possible to execute several hundred million instructions per second. The time is near when there will be no more instructions to execute.
ACT NOW! Before it's too late
Surprises in Bill Gates's New Mansion:
15> Sign over king-sized bed declares, "Use of the Words 'micro' and 'soft' strictly prohibited while in bedroom."
14> No paintings, but live artists actually hanging on the wall.
13> Drawbridge is raised and lowered by hand.
12> Entire state of Rhode Island relocated to east wing.
11> Raises guinea pigs in his bedroom for extra cash.
10> No toilet paper, but handy stack of $100 bills.
9> Secret passage in library leads to Nerdcave where Bill keeps the Nerdmobile.
8> Zima on tap.
7> Kato Kaelin sleeping in a corner of the trampoline room.
6> Tasteful and elegant 30,000 sq.ft. Hall of People Whose Businesses I Have Personally and Single-Handedly Crushed.
5> Basement shrine to Kelly Bundy.
4> Hidden away in the attic: his beloved childhood calculator, Rosebud.
3> Everywhere you look -- Women
2> With 27 bathrooms, there's never a need to ask, "Where do you want to go today?"
and the Number 1 Surprise in Bill Gates's New Mansion...
1> Replica of the Eiffel Tower in the garden -- wait a minute... that's no replica!!
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 1998 12:15:56 -0500 (EST)
From: Ken Williams
Subject: Re: your mail
On Thu, 22 Jan 1998, Earl Meck wrote:
>unsubscribe firewalls
Here's how to unsubscribe:
First, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit. Then follow these directions.
The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X" outlet hose. Twist the silver- coloured ring one inch below the connection point until you feel it lock.
The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect. Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear. Activate by pressing the blue button.
The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release button. The opening is self- adjusting. To secure after use, press the green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and returns the Cin-Eliminator to its storage position.
You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator . If the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator requirements has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy" call button on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all facilities from his control panel.
To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you. On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a "Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe normally.
The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button. The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro slippers and place them in their container.
If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low, medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.
After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings, place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind you.
Ken Williams
/--------------| TATTOOMAN -aka- rute |--------------\
NCSU Computer Science VP of The EHAP Corp.
jkwilli2@unity.ncsu.edu http://www.hackers.com/ehap/
UNIX ICQ UIN# 4231260 ehap@hackers.com
FTP Site:
WWW 2: http://www4.ncsu.edu/~jkwilli2/
PGP Key: http://www4.ncsu.edu/~jkwilli2/pgp.asc
\---------| |---------/
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body.
What had happened? Was foul play involved? The mystery was finally solved, when one of his fellow programmers read the instructions on the shampoo bottle:
Wet hair
Apply shampoo
If People thought of cars like they do about computers - Tech-support people will find this especially amusing... By: Unknown

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it . crashed -- . and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

REDMOND, Wash. - Jan. 13, 1998 --
In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished."Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day. http://www.microsoft.com/
About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. http://www.united_states_of_america.com/
A Long time Ago, in a Galaxy far, far away...
Luke: "You used to program."
Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."
Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at Lockheed-Martin."
Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten a degree."
Luke: "I wish I had known him."
Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft."
Luke: "How did my father die?"
Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side of Money."
Luke: "Money?"
Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us. Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade."
Luke: "What is it?"
Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant compiler for a more civilized age."
Luke: Obi-Wan! You told me that the Macintosh was a dead platform.
Ben: Macintosh was seduced by the dark side. It ceased to truly be Apple and became an aspect of Microsoft. When that happened, the good system which was the Macintosh was destroyed. So what I have told you was true... from a certain point of view.
Luke: A certain point of view!
Ben: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
Luke: There's still good in the Macintosh.
Ben: I also thought it could be turned back to the good side. It couldn't be done. It is more machine now than interface. Twisted and evil.
Luke: I can't abandon the Macintosh platform.
Ben: Then Bill has already won. You were our only hope.
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The Byte Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
    Not a user was using ... not even a mouse;
The programs were hung from the bugs in their code,
    In hopes that a guru would soon cure their woes;
The data were nestled all snug in their beds,
    While versions of software danced in their heads;
The boss dimmed the lights as I locked up my desk,
    A couple days off and a well-deserved rest;
Then all of a sudden there came such a clatter,
    I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.

Away to the processor I flew like a flash,
    What a terrible sound .. like a massive headcrash;
The lights they were blinking and beaming aglow,
    The hardcopy printout said "Let service know!";
When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
    On a silicon wafer ... a field engineer;
A little device driver, so lively and quick,
    I knew in a moment it must be St. Chip!
More rapid than Macro, his cursor insane,
    He whistled and shouted like a video game.

Now, Pascal! Now, Basic!, Now, Fortran and Cobol!
    On RPG! On PL/1, On Dibol and Snobol!

To the top of the registers, the bottom of core!
    Run diagnostics and see what they store!
As memory leaves when electricity flies,
    The 'Rep' cracked a smile and loosened his tie;
He was chubby and plump, said the place was a wreck,
    And I laughed when I saw him (in spite of high tech).
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
    Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He was dressed from his head to his feet in a suit,
    His briefcase was heavy with tools to re-boot.

With bundles of bits bulging out of his slacks,
    He looked like a pro 'bout to fix a blown pack.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
    Reseated PC boards, then turned with a smirk;
Hit return with his finger and said "Here it goes,"
    And giving a nod, into the CRT he dove.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere leaving the site,
    "Restore the data, and all will be right!"

To Compute...
Or Not To Compute...
That Is The Question...
Whether 'Tis Nobler In The Memory Bank..
To Suffer The Slings And Circuits Of Outrageous Functions...
... Or To Take Up Arms Against A Sea Of... Transistors,
Or Rather Transponders...
Er... Oh, To Hack With It.
Engineers vs. Computer Scientists
Well, there are people who say "the glass is half empty" and there are people who say "the glass is half full." There are others who would say "the glass is at 50% of capacity." We call those people engineers.
We don't let them near the microwave oven, for fear that they will take it apart and put it back together according to some twisted plan only they know, and the next time we go to melt some cheeze-whiz for our nachos, we wind up starting world war III. I'm a computer science major, so I frequently say "I don't care how much stuff's in the glass, just keep the damn thing away from the keyboard."
Then the engineers laugh and say something like "I won't spill this 591 milliliter container of mountain dew on your computer" which they of course immediately do, prompting a bitter argument followed by a violent brawl, which lasts for a number of minutes until someone notices that "Baywatch" is on, and everyone puts their differences aside and stares at the screen and says things like "There's no way those can be real." and an engineer does some quick calculations and says something like "the support structure alone would weigh several tons." and a computer science major would say something like "Well, if they had an SGI and a 32 bit video card, they could use a 3-d modeler/renderer to texture map them on there..." and someone else would say "Who cares? Just look at 'em."
And then we would all agree that technology was wonderful, no matter how it worked, and then we all go down to Burger King and make fun of the English majors hard at work.
A Hamilton (New Zealand) Analyst Programmer, Poor Innocent Guy Simon Travaglia, was caught last week baking a cake from a recipe he found 'On the Internet..'. Police were called in when female neighbors became suspicious about 'bakery smells' wafting into their homes from Travaglia's residence.
Police noted that Travaglia had in his possession sophisticated cake-baking apparatus including an oven and several professionally crafted spatulas, which, if used properly, could have produced 10 or more cakes in a single day.
Police also found a stockpile of cakes, including several banana cakes, two chocolate cakes, and a self-saucing pudding. At the time of his arrest, Mr. Travaglia was apparently in the process of making several scones which were appeared destined to be stored in 'scone-caches' around the city. The Police also found was a larder full of ingredients with an estimated street value of several dollars.
Experts who examined one cake surmised that it had an estimated yield of "8 slices, possibly 10 if you cut it up thinner".
A well-known member of parliament has renewed his calls for censorship of "Usenet News" groups which distribute such material. He says: "We are faced with a situation whereby school-age-children, without the knowledge of their parents, can download recipes by the dozen, and store them in encrypted form on the computer. Parents cannot be expected to Police this information, and it is time legislation was put into place to prevent the distribution of these recipes and punish those responsible for attempting it."
When it was pointed out that several similar recipes were available at many public libraries, the Minister indicated that libraries were in a position to control access to these books both by placing them in prominent places under the watchful eyes of library staff and also on the top shelves of book stacks. He similarly refuted claims that cakes such as the ones found could be made by any third year cookery student.
"These cakes" he said "were not made by trial and error. I have been assured by experts that the icing on the top of the chocolate cake in particular was applied by a practiced hand. If this information is out there, it will be found and used, and it's obvious that the Internet has NO conscience when it comes to the distribution of sweet foods. We must act, and we must act now!"
Meantime the Police have confirmed that despite all attempts to the contrary, three of the seized cakes had 'gone off'. On this occasion, no-one was seriously injured, although one officer was taken to sick bay with 'a sore tummy'.
The other morning, my wife and I were watching "Good Morning America" when the host gave a 'teaser' for the next story just before the commercial. What he said was:
"Coming up on 'Good Morning America', Is the internet safe? Gangs on the World Wide Web."
I turned to my wife and said, "DUCK! It's a drive-by downloading!"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> Oracle most wise and wonderful,
> I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a
> fireman, or a sysadmin?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were just made to answer:
    • Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
    • Fireman: Saving lives and property.
    • Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.
    • Astronaut: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
    • Fireman: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
    • Sysadmin: "DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY!"
    • Astronaut: "Where do you go to the bathroom?"
    • Fireman: "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?"
    • Sysadmin: "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been getting?"
    • Astronaut: Yes!
    • Fireman: Occasionally.
    • Sysadmin: Only MSNBC's "The Site," which doesn't technically count as TV.
    • Astronaut: As computers get more and more advanced and able to control more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes.
    • Fireman: As more and more people install smoke detectors in their homes, yes.
    • Sysadmin: As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet, absolutely not.
    • Astronaut: "The Right Stuff"
    • Fireman: "Backdraft"
    • Sysadmin: Uh... gee, I'm really drawing a blank here... "Wargames"?
    • Astronaut: Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of time between missions to relax.
    • Fireman: 24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax.
    • Sysadmin: Not really "work hours" or even "work days"... more like "work millenia."
    • Astronaut: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the opposite sex.
    • Fireman: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the opposite sex.
    • Sysadmin: You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert."
    • Astronaut: A few, from people who think the government should be spending its money in different ways.
    • Fireman: A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive following a 911 call.
    • Sysadmin: You'll have to learn what comes after "trillion" to be able to count them all.
    • Astronaut: Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar rocket.
    • Fireman: Big red truck with flashing lights and siren.
    • Sysadmin: 1978 AMC Gremlin.
In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin.
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
At the first bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
See if you can do it once again.
At the second bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the third bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the fourth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the fifth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the sixth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the seventh bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the eighth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Use a different program
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the ninth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
That app is not supported
Use a different program
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the tenth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Try a different PC
That app is not supported
Use a different program
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the eleventh bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Better get new hardware
Try a different PC
That app is not supported
Use a different program
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the twelfth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
That’s a program feature
Better get new hardware
Try a different PC
That app is not supported
Use a different program
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
einstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
I remember my first ISP. You always remember your first. Halcyon.com in Seattle. So quick, so light, so ... responsive. She was never too busy for me. It felt almost wrong, we were both so young. But how can love be wrong? It was a magical time.
Then we were ripped apart. I moved to Boulder, for a job. How many relationships have been ruined by money? We tried to pretend at first, we told each other that nothing would change, it would just be a long distance relationship. But I couldn't afford the phone bills, and there was the time zone difference. So we had to face reality, and parted ways.
I soon discovered that I can't bear to be alone. There was an emptiness in my life. I tried reading the Halcyon newsgroups from work, but of course I was blocked. Probably best, it was an unhealthy thing to do. What was next, fly to Seattle and stand outside the POP, in the rain?
I searched the yellow pages, hoping I could find a relationship that way. But I was fearful. What if long distance got in the way again? Then I found what I thought I needed. Netcom. They were everywhere! I could travel, or change jobs, and never be without my provider. And they wanted me. They told me so, right on the phone.
It was a relief, but looking back I'm sure it was a rebound relationship. And I kept getting mixed signals from Netcom, busy signals. She said she wanted me, but at the same time she implied that she wouldn't be creating any new shell accounts. But a shell account was the foundation of our relationship. I felt insecure, I couldn't be sure she'd always support a shell account. And she was always after me to use this GUI. She said she could get it for me for free. Well, what you do with yourself in the privacy of your POP is up to you, I won't judge, but I'm just not into that GUI stuff.
I finally had to leave, she gave me one busy signal too many. I cancelled without even taking my files.
Well, then started a time in my life I'm not too proud of. I bummed around from ISP to ISP, anyone who had a POP, local or national, I didn't care. I was a slut.
It got to the point where I couldn't even remember the name of the ISP I was with. I woke up one morning, bleary eyed, staring at my monitor, and couldn't even remember what state my ISP was in, or even if it was in the East or the West.
I'd hit bottom. Next stop Hell.
I cancelled my account by sending mail to support; I don't even know who's support it was. Still don't.
Somehow I hooked up with Dimensional. We've both been around. We don't ask too much from each other, give each other a lot of space. I think the key to a lasting relationship is realistic expectations, of both yourself and your partner. And never be too busy for each other.
The keyboarding is satisfying. Nothing wild, just ten fingers up, 101 keys down. It works for us.
But sometimes, when I'm keyboarding late at night, I think of Halcyon.
You always remember your first.
August 7, 1997 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide office furniture with its software. The next release of windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge. "This is a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson said. "We've conquered the desktop, so we're looking at way of expanding our installed base." The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair competitive advantage. "We're just listening to our customers. They've asked for more built in features, and who doesn't use a chair when they're at their computer? Especially when they're waiting for Windows to reboot." Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor's furniture, most stated that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer. Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to be bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair at their doorsteps. "Then again, it's not the first time we've received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft," noted one breathless customer.

Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!


WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes [perhaps conspiracy theories should be included here].
"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:
  • the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking
  • the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others
  • a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true
T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.
Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)



This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says "OK", truck drivers are not nerds and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.
Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.
Computer people
Users are divided into three types:
novice, intermediate and expert.
Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi Redmond WA, (AP).
Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringement of its intellectual property. Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringement on our technology". The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Ten minutes later, the user is still persistent that he is right. The tech is frustrated and give up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
Ten minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
One hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.


Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

Coding In C (A Parody of Octopus's Garden)

I'd like to be coding in C
In the Sun Computer lab in the shade
Stay up all night, program it right
In a Sun Computer lab in the shade
I'd ask my friends to program C
in the computer lab with me
I'd like to be coding in C
In a Sun Computer lab in the shade.
We've never done using the Sun
In our little hideaway making lots of fun.
banking our head until we're dead.
In a Sun Computer lab in the shade
We would code and hack around
because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be coding in C
In a Sun computer lab in the shade
We would shout and scream about
our codes that piles up from the dirty floor
(Piles up from the dirty floor)
Oh what joy for all programmer boys
Knowing C pointer's never be safe..
(C pointer's never be safe)
We would be coding to death you and me
No one there to help us about C
I'd like to be coding in C
In a Sun computer lab with you.
In a Sun computer lab with you.
In a Sun computer lab with you.

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.


All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets...
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made monstrous noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From " Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying."Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Then I tried in desperation, sev'ral random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, mocking, winking, flashing nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted; by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Quotes about computers and software and other things

"Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things."
--Doug Gwyn

"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot"
-- Rich Julius

"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it."
-- Donald Knuth

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
-- Rich Cook

"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
-- Bjarne Stroustrup

"I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool."
-- Joseph Costello, President of Cadence

"The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change."
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense."
-- E. W. Dijkstra

"It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration."
-- Dijkstra

"A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards!"
-- Michael O'Brien

"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."

"Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it."

"True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see..."

PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.
PROGRAM - v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied....
The following were found scribbled into the stall wall at Microsoft, courtest of MAD magazine.
Bill Gates downloads here
Where do you want to go today?
In the crapper!
Microsoft Word Speelchecker RULES!
Do not flush mouse pads down the toilet!
To flush, press handle. You do not need to hold Control, ALT and Delete at the same time.
The Basic Program
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try real hard
40: If nothing, then goto 30
50: If something then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit
Stop writing these mindless jokes and childish insults on the walls!
Yeah, that's what the internet is for!
Why cant B*ll G*tes get dates?
Becuase he's Microsoft
-Rajeey has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! - Carl
-Carl still plays with his wang! - Rajeev
-Yeah, well you both program in DOS - Fred
-Byte me! - Rajeev and Carl
Your mother's so fat, it took me 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the web!
Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol
By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media.
The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named 'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of 'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil' -- which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we'd just trademark the trademark symbol."
Schexnader continued, "At first, we all just laughed -- but one look at Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning."
Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church."
But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, '(tMS)', to replace the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol.
"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future."
Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit.
Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe, "[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will benefit computer users worldwide. It's a technological breakthrough. As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up."
So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases. "Our next [acquisition] will be the 'service mark' symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert stated that the new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new trademark symbol.
"It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the rights to the 'registered' trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry -- and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft."
But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. "Instead, we're looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office," stated Schexnader.
No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday.
LOVEMAKER V3.1 By Jeff MacGregor
Welcome to the LoveMaker! (v3.1 Erosoft Industries, (c) 1993)
At the prompt, please enter your response.
I am the LOVEMAKER. A personalized, interactive poetry assistance program. What is your name?
What a nice name, JOHN. You must be a man.
How nice for you. Who is your poem for, JOHN?
How nice for SHEILA. She must be a woman?
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN. Is she?
What is the occasion, JOHN?
SHEILA is a very lucky woman. I will need information about SHEILA for a poem that best reflects your deep feelings for her, JOHN. What color are her eyes?
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Are they blue like the sky after a clearing storm? Are they the icy blue of the far flung fjords, shrouded in mist and mystery? Are they the steely blue of Walter Gropius's later Bauhaus sketchbooks? Are they a cornflower blue that speaks of Sunday picnics in simpler times?
Thank you, JOHN. What about SHEILA'S hair?
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Is it ash blond with some auburn like the silky tresses of Rapunzel? When the sun hits it in a certain way in the late afternoon does it look like spun gold? Is it the hard, cheap blond of the streetwise trollop or the dazzling, brilliant satin of Renaissance cherubim?
Thank you, JOHN. Are there any other characteristics we should mention in our poem to SHEILA?
JOHN, are you still there?
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Is it fine and alabaster and tightly grained like antique porcelain, slow-fired by master craftsmen? Or is it pink and lustrous like the hand-burnished silver one's Grandmother might be found polishing with gentle, loving strokes on a rainy Sunday afternoon?
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN. You must have deep feelings for SHEILA to write her a special VALENTINE'S DAY poem.
How nice for you, JOHN. What kind of poem do you think SHEILA would like?
My MENU (Alt+M) offers the following styles.
At the prompt, please choose ONE:
[ Couplet | Triplet | Quatrain | Eclogue | Pastoral | Sonnet | Elegy ]
[ Epic | Ballad | Lyric | Ode | Idyll | Haiku | ??? ]
| :?
That's O.K., JOHN. How do you see yourself? Please choose ONE:
[ Laureate | Bard | Sonneteer | Troubadour | Meistersinger ]
[ Jongleur | Versifier | Rhapsodist | Lyricist | Other ]
Can you be more specific?
Perhaps if you briefly shared your innermost dreams and desires, JOHN?
May I make a suggestion, JOHN?
Perhaps you imagine yourself a hopeless romantic, JOHN. A man who lives and loves with passion and desire and appetite. A man who grabs great platters from the groaning board of this world and eats his fill. A man who takes what he wants the moment he sees it and makes it his own. A man who kneads fate in his strong hands, shapes it and commands it. A man with a reckless bent and the courage of fire. A man who sees beauty in a raindrop and all the truth of the universe in the eyes of a child. A man with needs and wants aflame within him. A man of power and means of influence, JOHN. A man destined to be the envy of other men. A man that few can ever understand and fewer still will have the guts to love. A man of whom it might be said...
Would that Alexander in his age had but half the measure of his strong stout heart or clear hawk's eyes undimmed and true, pooled with azure purpose. No earthbound mortal he, but master o'er each and all...
Would this describe your self-image accurately, JOHN?
I thought so. I'll use my random SEARCH MODE (Alt+S) to choose an appropriate style for you, JOHN. One that truly expresses your deep feelings for SHEILA on VALENTINE'S DAY.
Please wait...
To print poem, please enter command Alt+P at prompt.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your hair is blond
and your eyes are gray (when angry)

Thank you for using LOVEMAKER v3.1 from EROSOFT

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software.
A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,
"Format C: Return."
Someone else chimed in:
"Yes, Return"
Unfortunately, the software worked.
The Perl motto is "There's More Than One Way To Do It." The Perl for Win32 motto could be "It's A Good Thing That There's More Than One Way To Do It, Because Most Of The Ways Don't Work."
*** Attention ***

It's that time again!

As many of you know, each year the internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on Sep. 15 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on Sep. 16. During that 24-hour period, five powerful internet-crawling robots situated around the world will search the internet and delete any data that they find.
In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:
  1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their internet connections.
  2. Shut down all internet servers, or disconnect them from the internet.
  3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the internet.
  4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the internet in any way.
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation.
Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others: Since the last internet cleaning, the number of internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops and internet users as well. Thank you.
I have just phoned up 3 internet providers and tried to confirm this message which to send out. None of the providers could confirm it and they said :
I have never heard of this happening before and even if we did it would require people to take the action which has been suggested , this is probable a hoax.
I hope this has helped you and the other users of this joke service.
Best wishes

> *** Attention ***
> It's that time again!
> As many of you know, each year the internet must be shut down for 24
> hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which
> eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for
> a better-working and faster internet.
> This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on

. . .
Hey you!
\              |              /
\             |             /
 \\      \   | |   /      //
  \\\     \\     //     ///
   \\\     #######     ///
     \\  ###     ###  //
      \\##         ##//
    -- ##           ## --
    -- ##   Fupp!!  ## --
      //##         ##\\
     //  ###     ###  \\
   ///     #######     \\\
  ///     //      \\    \\\
 //      /   | |    \     \\
/             |             \
/              |              \

You were just hit by a cyber-snowball! If you want to throw some yourself, mail this to anyone you want - there is just one rule: You canīt throw a snowball at someone who has already hit you. Have fun!
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
  1. Hold down the shift key.
  2. Hit the 4 key four times.

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all my calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk
(Translated from Latin scroll dated 2 BC)

Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around.
Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind....
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.
If you have any ideas please let me know.
Most widely used calendars had no problem with the year 2000.
In many countries, it is 1420. When the new year starts in each of those countries will depend on where that country is relative to the International Lunar Date Lines, or on actual observation of the phase of the moon.
In Israel it is 5760.
In Thailand and many other countries it is 2543.
In Ethiopia it is 1991.
On Java it is 1922. (Is your browser Java enabled?)
In India the number of the year is manifold. For Jains alone, it is 2057 and 2527.
On Indonesian wall calendars each day's box has several date numbers and day names. In Bali it is very important to know what day it is. There are three cycles of weeks that run simultaneously: each day has a name from the 3 day week, another from the five day week, and one from the seven day week. Together, the three names name the day. The year has 210 days.
In Taiwan it is 89.
Though its number is 2000 on government forms, a recent survey showed that almost half of the people in China, when asked, say:
It is Dragon.
This Year 2000 Millenium bug is ALSO a source for humor.
"Jane's" job includes opening mail for her employer. Junk mail too.
Last week there was a catalogue from a company that sells promotional material related specifically to anniversaries. With it was a covering letter congratulating them on their tenth year in business, coming up this spring.
Yea, right.
The institution "Jane" works for was founded in 1889.
An acquaintance, having seen a great many inquiries about whether his company's software is Year 2000 compliant, is considering using this as his new standard response:
We are quite confident that all of our systems are Year 2000 Compliant.
However, we have over a two year backlog of Year 2000 Compliance forms to fill out, so according to our scheduling database, you should hear back from us in June, 1900.
Gates gives Coke some pointers
Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink market, explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in the ultracompetitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly, since they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, i'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.
J: Uh, i don't want a Coke.
C: Sorry, they're bundled.
J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
C: You don't; the Coke is free.
J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke!
J: I already bought a Snapple across the street - i'm not going to drink the Coke.
C: Then you can't have the burger.
J: Okay, fine, i'll pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseperable.
J: How can that be? They're two totally seperate things!
C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
J: Why did you just do that?!?!
C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.
J: Aaarrgh!
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:
"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"
Top Ten Lightbulb Jokes for the ComputerWorld
  1. How many IS guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
    I'll put you in the queue and get back to you next week.
  2. How many Mac users does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None. Lightbulbs are made of glass, and that makes them too much like Windows.
  3. How many OS/2 users does it take to change a lightbulb?
    It's never been put to the test: OS/2 bulbs are crash-resistant.
  4. How many support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Please hold and someone will be with you shortly.
  5. How many Windows 3.1 users does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Only one at a time; they don't do preemptive multitasking.
  6. How many Windows 95 users does it take to change a lightbulb?
    As many as you like, but only if your system meets or exceeds a fast 486 processor with 16MB of RAM.
  7. How many Evangelistas does it take to change a lightbulb?
    All of them. One to publish the old bulb's email address and the rest mail-bomb it until it goes away.
  8. How many America Online users does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None. They wait for new lightbulbs to be added.
  9. How many computer magazine editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
    We don't know, they never return calls or email.
  10. How many Webmasters does it take to change a lightbulb?
    404 (Not found).

666: Number of the Beast

OK, you know that 666 is the Number of the Beast, but did you know that:
660Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVIRoman numeral of the Beast
666.0000Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666Number of the Millibeast
/666Beast Common Denominator
1010011010Binary of the Beast
Beast1-666Area code of the Beast
00666Postcode of the Beast
1-900-666-0666Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95Retail price of the Beast
$699.25Price of the Beast plus sales tax
$769.95Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66Target price of the Beast
Route666 Way of the Beast
666FOven temperature for roast Beast
666mgRecommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Netscape6.66 BetaBrowser of the Beast
i66686CPU of the Beast
666IBMW of the Beast
668Next-door neighbour of the Beast