Subject: Re: your mail
On Thu, 22 Jan 1998, Earl Meck wrote:
>unsubscribe firewalls
Here's how to unsubscribe:
First, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit. Then follow these directions.
The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X" outlet hose. Twist the silver- coloured ring one inch below the connection point until you feel it lock.
The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect. Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear. Activate by pressing the blue button.
The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release button. The opening is self- adjusting. To secure after use, press the green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and returns the Cin-Eliminator to its storage position.
You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator . If the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator requirements has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy" call button on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all facilities from his control panel.
To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you. On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a "Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe normally.
The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button. The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro slippers and place them in their container.
If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low, medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.
After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings, place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind you.
Ken Williams
/--------------| TATTOOMAN -aka- rute |--------------\
NCSU Computer Science VP of The EHAP Corp.
jkwilli2@unity.ncsu.edu http://www.hackers.com/ehap/
UNIX ICQ UIN# 4231260 ehap@hackers.com
FTP Site: ftp://152.7.11.38/pub/personal/tattooman/
WWW 2: http://www4.ncsu.edu/~jkwilli2/
PGP Key: http://www4.ncsu.edu/~jkwilli2/pgp.asc
http://www4.ncsu.edu/~jkwilli2/pgp_fingerprint
\---------| http://152.7.11.38/~tattooman/ |---------/
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body.
What had happened? Was foul play involved? The mystery was finally solved, when one of his fellow programmers read the instructions on the shampoo bottle:
Wet hair
Apply shampoo
Lather
Rinse
Repeat
If People thought of cars like they do about computers - Tech-support people will find this especially amusing... By: Unknown
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it . crashed -- . and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
REDMOND, Wash. - Jan. 13, 1998 --
In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished."Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day. http://www.microsoft.com/
About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. http://www.united_states_of_america.com/
A Long time Ago, in a Galaxy far, far away...
Luke: "You used to program."
Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."
Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at Lockheed-Martin."
Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten a degree."
Luke: "I wish I had known him."
Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft."
Luke: "How did my father die?"
Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side of Money."
Luke: "Money?"
Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us. Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade."
Luke: "What is it?"
Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant compiler for a more civilized age."
Luke: Obi-Wan! You told me that the Macintosh was a dead platform.
Ben: Macintosh was seduced by the dark side. It ceased to truly be Apple and became an aspect of Microsoft. When that happened, the good system which was the Macintosh was destroyed. So what I have told you was true... from a certain point of view.
Luke: A certain point of view!
Ben: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
Luke: There's still good in the Macintosh.
Ben: I also thought it could be turned back to the good side. It couldn't be done. It is more machine now than interface. Twisted and evil.
Luke: I can't abandon the Macintosh platform.
Ben: Then Bill has already won. You were our only hope.
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The Byte Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a user was using ... not even a mouse;
The programs were hung from the bugs in their code,
In hopes that a guru would soon cure their woes;
The data were nestled all snug in their beds,
While versions of software danced in their heads;
The boss dimmed the lights as I locked up my desk,
A couple days off and a well-deserved rest;
Then all of a sudden there came such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the processor I flew like a flash,
What a terrible sound .. like a massive headcrash;
The lights they were blinking and beaming aglow,
The hardcopy printout said "Let service know!";
When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
On a silicon wafer ... a field engineer;
A little device driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Chip!
More rapid than Macro, his cursor insane,
He whistled and shouted like a video game.
Now, Pascal! Now, Basic!, Now, Fortran and Cobol!
On RPG! On PL/1, On Dibol and Snobol!
To the top of the registers, the bottom of core!
Run diagnostics and see what they store!
As memory leaves when electricity flies,
The 'Rep' cracked a smile and loosened his tie;
He was chubby and plump, said the place was a wreck,
And I laughed when I saw him (in spite of high tech).
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He was dressed from his head to his feet in a suit,
His briefcase was heavy with tools to re-boot.
With bundles of bits bulging out of his slacks,
He looked like a pro 'bout to fix a blown pack.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Reseated PC boards, then turned with a smirk;
Hit return with his finger and said "Here it goes,"
And giving a nod, into the CRT he dove.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere leaving the site,
"Restore the data, and all will be right!"
To Compute...
Or Not To Compute...
That Is The Question...
Whether 'Tis Nobler In The Memory Bank..
To Suffer The Slings And Circuits Of Outrageous Functions...
... Or To Take Up Arms Against A Sea Of... Transistors,
Or Rather Transponders...
Transcondu--
Trans...
Er... Oh, To Hack With It.
Engineers vs. Computer Scientists
Well, there are people who say "the glass is half empty" and there are people who say "the glass is half full." There are others who would say "the glass is at 50% of capacity." We call those people engineers.
We don't let them near the microwave oven, for fear that they will take it apart and put it back together according to some twisted plan only they know, and the next time we go to melt some cheeze-whiz for our nachos, we wind up starting world war III. I'm a computer science major, so I frequently say "I don't care how much stuff's in the glass, just keep the damn thing away from the keyboard."
Then the engineers laugh and say something like "I won't spill this 591 milliliter container of mountain dew on your computer" which they of course immediately do, prompting a bitter argument followed by a violent brawl, which lasts for a number of minutes until someone notices that "Baywatch" is on, and everyone puts their differences aside and stares at the screen and says things like "There's no way those can be real." and an engineer does some quick calculations and says something like "the support structure alone would weigh several tons." and a computer science major would say something like "Well, if they had an SGI and a 32 bit video card, they could use a 3-d modeler/renderer to texture map them on there..." and someone else would say "Who cares? Just look at 'em."
And then we would all agree that technology was wonderful, no matter how it worked, and then we all go down to Burger King and make fun of the English majors hard at work.
A Hamilton (New Zealand) Analyst Programmer, Poor Innocent Guy Simon Travaglia, was caught last week baking a cake from a recipe he found 'On the Internet..'. Police were called in when female neighbors became suspicious about 'bakery smells' wafting into their homes from Travaglia's residence.
Police noted that Travaglia had in his possession sophisticated cake-baking apparatus including an oven and several professionally crafted spatulas, which, if used properly, could have produced 10 or more cakes in a single day.
Police also found a stockpile of cakes, including several banana cakes, two chocolate cakes, and a self-saucing pudding. At the time of his arrest, Mr. Travaglia was apparently in the process of making several scones which were appeared destined to be stored in 'scone-caches' around the city. The Police also found was a larder full of ingredients with an estimated street value of several dollars.
Experts who examined one cake surmised that it had an estimated yield of "8 slices, possibly 10 if you cut it up thinner".
A well-known member of parliament has renewed his calls for censorship of "Usenet News" groups which distribute such material. He says: "We are faced with a situation whereby school-age-children, without the knowledge of their parents, can download recipes by the dozen, and store them in encrypted form on the computer. Parents cannot be expected to Police this information, and it is time legislation was put into place to prevent the distribution of these recipes and punish those responsible for attempting it."
When it was pointed out that several similar recipes were available at many public libraries, the Minister indicated that libraries were in a position to control access to these books both by placing them in prominent places under the watchful eyes of library staff and also on the top shelves of book stacks. He similarly refuted claims that cakes such as the ones found could be made by any third year cookery student.
"These cakes" he said "were not made by trial and error. I have been assured by experts that the icing on the top of the chocolate cake in particular was applied by a practiced hand. If this information is out there, it will be found and used, and it's obvious that the Internet has NO conscience when it comes to the distribution of sweet foods. We must act, and we must act now!"
Meantime the Police have confirmed that despite all attempts to the contrary, three of the seized cakes had 'gone off'. On this occasion, no-one was seriously injured, although one officer was taken to sick bay with 'a sore tummy'.
The other morning, my wife and I were watching "Good Morning America" when the host gave a 'teaser' for the next story just before the commercial. What he said was:
"Coming up on 'Good Morning America', Is the internet safe? Gangs on the World Wide Web."
I turned to my wife and said, "DUCK! It's a drive-by downloading!"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> Oracle most wise and wonderful,
>
> I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a
> fireman, or a sysadmin?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were just made to answer:
- PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER
-
Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
-
Fireman: Saving lives and property.
-
Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.
-
ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
-
Astronaut: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
-
Fireman: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
-
Sysadmin: "DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY!"
-
QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING
-
Astronaut: "Where do you go to the bathroom?"
-
Fireman: "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?"
-
Sysadmin: "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been getting?"
-
WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV?
-
Astronaut: Yes!
-
Fireman: Occasionally.
-
Sysadmin: Only MSNBC's "The Site," which doesn't technically count as TV.
-
WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER?
-
Astronaut: As computers get more and more advanced and able to control more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes.
-
Fireman: As more and more people install smoke detectors in their homes, yes.
-
Sysadmin: As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet, absolutely not.
-
INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
-
Astronaut: "The Right Stuff"
-
Fireman: "Backdraft"
-
Sysadmin: Uh... gee, I'm really drawing a blank here... "Wargames"?
-
YOUR WORK HOURS
-
Astronaut: Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of time between missions to relax.
-
Fireman: 24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax.
-
Sysadmin: Not really "work hours" or even "work days"... more like "work millenia."
-
FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB
-
Astronaut: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the opposite sex.
-
Fireman: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the opposite sex.
-
Sysadmin: You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert."
-
NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
-
Astronaut: A few, from people who think the government should be spending its money in different ways.
-
Fireman: A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive following a 911 call.
-
Sysadmin: You'll have to learn what comes after "trillion" to be able to count them all.
-
YOUR VEHICLE
-
Astronaut: Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar rocket.
-
Fireman: Big red truck with flashing lights and siren.
-
Sysadmin: 1978 AMC Gremlin.
In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin.
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
At the first bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
See if you can do it once again.
At the second bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the third bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the fourth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the fifth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the sixth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the seventh bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the eighth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Use a different program
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the ninth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
That app is not supported
Use a different program
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the tenth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Try a different PC
That app is not supported
Use a different program
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the eleventh bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
Better get new hardware
Try a different PC
That app is not supported
Use a different program
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
Reinstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
At the twelfth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me
That’s a program feature
Better get new hardware
Try a different PC
That app is not supported
Use a different program
Wait for the next upgrade
Find a way around it
einstall the software
Check your ini files
Read the users manual
Tell us how you did it . . . and
See if you can do it once again.
I remember my first ISP. You always remember your first. Halcyon.com in Seattle. So quick, so light, so ... responsive. She was never too busy for me. It felt almost wrong, we were both so young. But how can love be wrong? It was a magical time.
Then we were ripped apart. I moved to Boulder, for a job. How many relationships have been ruined by money? We tried to pretend at first, we told each other that nothing would change, it would just be a long distance relationship. But I couldn't afford the phone bills, and there was the time zone difference. So we had to face reality, and parted ways.
I soon discovered that I can't bear to be alone. There was an emptiness in my life. I tried reading the Halcyon newsgroups from work, but of course I was blocked. Probably best, it was an unhealthy thing to do. What was next, fly to Seattle and stand outside the POP, in the rain?
I searched the yellow pages, hoping I could find a relationship that way. But I was fearful. What if long distance got in the way again? Then I found what I thought I needed. Netcom. They were everywhere! I could travel, or change jobs, and never be without my provider. And they wanted me. They told me so, right on the phone.
It was a relief, but looking back I'm sure it was a rebound relationship. And I kept getting mixed signals from Netcom, busy signals. She said she wanted me, but at the same time she implied that she wouldn't be creating any new shell accounts. But a shell account was the foundation of our relationship. I felt insecure, I couldn't be sure she'd always support a shell account. And she was always after me to use this GUI. She said she could get it for me for free. Well, what you do with yourself in the privacy of your POP is up to you, I won't judge, but I'm just not into that GUI stuff.
I finally had to leave, she gave me one busy signal too many. I cancelled without even taking my files.
Well, then started a time in my life I'm not too proud of. I bummed around from ISP to ISP, anyone who had a POP, local or national, I didn't care. I was a slut.
It got to the point where I couldn't even remember the name of the ISP I was with. I woke up one morning, bleary eyed, staring at my monitor, and couldn't even remember what state my ISP was in, or even if it was in the East or the West.
I'd hit bottom. Next stop Hell.
I cancelled my account by sending mail to support; I don't even know who's support it was. Still don't.
Somehow I hooked up with Dimensional. We've both been around. We don't ask too much from each other, give each other a lot of space. I think the key to a lasting relationship is realistic expectations, of both yourself and your partner. And never be too busy for each other.
The keyboarding is satisfying. Nothing wild, just ten fingers up, 101 keys down. It works for us.
But sometimes, when I'm keyboarding late at night, I think of Halcyon.
You always remember your first.
August 7, 1997 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide office furniture with its software. The next release of windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge. "This is a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson said. "We've conquered the desktop, so we're looking at way of expanding our installed base." The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair competitive advantage. "We're just listening to our customers. They've asked for more built in features, and who doesn't use a chair when they're at their computer? Especially when they're waiting for Windows to reboot." Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor's furniture, most stated that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer. Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to be bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair at their doorsteps. "Then again, it's not the first time we've received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft," noted one breathless customer.
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WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
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WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes [perhaps conspiracy theories should be included here].
"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:
- the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking
- the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others
- a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true
T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.
Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including
Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as
Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.
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This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)
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ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! LIMITED TIME! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE
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This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says "OK", truck drivers are not nerds and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.
Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.
Computer people
Users are divided into three types:
novice, intermediate and expert.
Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi Redmond WA, (AP).
------------------------
Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringement of its intellectual property. Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringement on our technology". The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Ten minutes later, the user is still persistent that he is right. The tech is frustrated and give up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
Ten minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
One hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
Something
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
Write in C ("Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
Coding In C (A Parody of Octopus's Garden)
I'd like to be coding in C
In the Sun Computer lab in the shade
Stay up all night, program it right
In a Sun Computer lab in the shade
I'd ask my friends to program C
in the computer lab with me
I'd like to be coding in C
In a Sun Computer lab in the shade.
We've never done using the Sun
In our little hideaway making lots of fun.
banking our head until we're dead.
In a Sun Computer lab in the shade
We would code and hack around
because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be coding in C
In a Sun computer lab in the shade
We would shout and scream about
our codes that piles up from the dirty floor
(Piles up from the dirty floor)
Oh what joy for all programmer boys
Knowing C pointer's never be safe..
(C pointer's never be safe)
We would be coding to death you and me
No one there to help us about C
I'd like to be coding in C
In a Sun computer lab with you.
In a Sun computer lab with you.
In a Sun computer lab with you.
Unix Man (Nowhere Man)
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.
Yesterday
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets...
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made monstrous noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From " Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying."Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Then I tried in desperation, sev'ral random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, mocking, winking, flashing nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted; by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Quotes about computers and software and other things
"Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things."
--Doug Gwyn
"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot"
-- Rich Julius
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it."
-- Donald Knuth
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
-- Rich Cook
"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
"I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool."
-- Joseph Costello, President of Cadence
"The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change."
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers
"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense."
-- E. W. Dijkstra
"It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration."
-- Dijkstra
"A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards!"
-- Michael O'Brien
"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
"Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it."
"True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see..."
PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.
PROGRAM - v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied....
The following were found scribbled into the stall wall at Microsoft, courtest of MAD magazine.
Bill Gates downloads here
Where do you want to go today?
In the crapper!
Microsoft Word Speelchecker RULES!
Do not flush mouse pads down the toilet!
To flush, press handle. You do not need to hold Control, ALT and Delete at the same time.
The Basic Program
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try real hard
40: If nothing, then goto 30
50: If something then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit
Stop writing these mindless jokes and childish insults on the walls!
Yeah, that's what the internet is for!
Why cant B*ll G*tes get dates?
Becuase he's Microsoft
-Rajeey has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! - Carl
-Carl still plays with his wang! - Rajeev
-Yeah, well you both program in DOS - Fred
-Byte me! - Rajeev and Carl
Your mother's so fat, it took me 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the web!
Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol
By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media.
The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named 'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of 'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil' -- which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we'd just trademark the trademark symbol."
Schexnader continued, "At first, we all just laughed -- but one look at Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning."
Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church."
But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, '(tMS)', to replace the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol.
"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future."
Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit.
Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe, "[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will benefit computer users worldwide. It's a technological breakthrough. As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up."
So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases. "Our next [acquisition] will be the 'service mark' symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert stated that the new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new trademark symbol.
"It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the rights to the 'registered' trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry -- and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft."
But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. "Instead, we're looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office," stated Schexnader.
No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday.
LOVEMAKER V3.1 By Jeff MacGregor
Welcome to the LoveMaker! (v3.1 Erosoft Industries, (c) 1993)
At the prompt, please enter your response.
I am the LOVEMAKER. A personalized, interactive poetry assistance program. What is your name?
:JOHN
What a nice name, JOHN. You must be a man.
:YES
How nice for you. Who is your poem for, JOHN?
:SHEILA
How nice for SHEILA. She must be a woman?
:YES
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN. Is she?
:YES
What is the occasion, JOHN?
:VALENTINE'S DAY
SHEILA is a very lucky woman. I will need information about SHEILA for a poem that best reflects your deep feelings for her, JOHN. What color are her eyes?
:BLUE
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Are they blue like the sky after a clearing storm? Are they the icy blue of the far flung fjords, shrouded in mist and mystery? Are they the steely blue of Walter Gropius's later Bauhaus sketchbooks? Are they a cornflower blue that speaks of Sunday picnics in simpler times?
:THEY LOOK KIND OF GRAY WHEN SHE'S ANGRY
Thank you, JOHN. What about SHEILA'S hair?
:BLOND
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Is it ash blond with some auburn like the silky tresses of Rapunzel? When the sun hits it in a certain way in the late afternoon does it look like spun gold? Is it the hard, cheap blond of the streetwise trollop or the dazzling, brilliant satin of Renaissance cherubim?
:I THINK SHE DYES IT
Thank you, JOHN. Are there any other characteristics we should mention in our poem to SHEILA?
:
:
:
JOHN, are you still there?
:SKIN?
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Is it fine and alabaster and tightly grained like antique porcelain, slow-fired by master craftsmen? Or is it pink and lustrous like the hand-burnished silver one's Grandmother might be found polishing with gentle, loving strokes on a rainy Sunday afternoon?
:SHE TANS TWICE A WEEK
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN. You must have deep feelings for SHEILA to write her a special VALENTINE'S DAY poem.
:YES
How nice for you, JOHN. What kind of poem do you think SHEILA would like?
:?
My MENU (Alt+M) offers the following styles.
At the prompt, please choose ONE:
[ Couplet | Triplet | Quatrain | Eclogue | Pastoral | Sonnet | Elegy ]
[ Epic | Ballad | Lyric | Ode | Idyll | Haiku | ??? ]
| :?
That's O.K., JOHN. How do you see yourself? Please choose ONE:
[ Laureate | Bard | Sonneteer | Troubadour | Meistersinger ]
[ Jongleur | Versifier | Rhapsodist | Lyricist | Other ]
| :OTHER
Can you be more specific?
:I GUESS...
Perhaps if you briefly shared your innermost dreams and desires, JOHN?
:
:
:
:
JOHN?
:I'M THINKING
May I make a suggestion, JOHN?
:SURE
Perhaps you imagine yourself a hopeless romantic, JOHN. A man who lives and loves with passion and desire and appetite. A man who grabs great platters from the groaning board of this world and eats his fill. A man who takes what he wants the moment he sees it and makes it his own. A man who kneads fate in his strong hands, shapes it and commands it. A man with a reckless bent and the courage of fire. A man who sees beauty in a raindrop and all the truth of the universe in the eyes of a child. A man with needs and wants aflame within him. A man of power and means of influence, JOHN. A man destined to be the envy of other men. A man that few can ever understand and fewer still will have the guts to love. A man of whom it might be said...
Would that Alexander in his age had but half the measure of his strong stout heart or clear hawk's eyes undimmed and true, pooled with azure purpose. No earthbound mortal he, but master o'er each and all...
Would this describe your self-image accurately, JOHN?
:YES
I thought so. I'll use my random SEARCH MODE (Alt+S) to choose an appropriate style for you, JOHN. One that truly expresses your deep feelings for SHEILA on VALENTINE'S DAY.
Please wait...
To print poem, please enter command Alt+P at prompt.
:Alt+P
Dear SHEILA,
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your hair is blond
and your eyes are gray (when angry)
JOHN
Thank you for using LOVEMAKER v3.1 from EROSOFT
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software.
A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,
"Format C: Return."
Someone else chimed in:
"Yes, Return"
Unfortunately, the software worked.
The Perl motto is "There's More Than One Way To Do It." The Perl for Win32 motto could be "It's A Good Thing That There's More Than One Way To Do It, Because Most Of The Ways Don't Work."
*** Attention ***
It's that time again!
As many of you know, each year the internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on Sep. 15 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on Sep. 16. During that 24-hour period, five powerful internet-crawling robots situated around the world will search the internet and delete any data that they find.
In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:
- Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their internet connections.
- Shut down all internet servers, or disconnect them from the internet.
- Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the internet.
- Refrain from connecting any computer to the internet in any way.
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation.
Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Sysops and others: Since the last internet cleaning, the number of internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops and internet users as well. Thank you.
I have just phoned up 3 internet providers and tried to confirm this message which to send out. None of the providers could confirm it and they said :
I have never heard of this happening before and even if we did it would require people to take the action which has been suggested , this is probable a hoax
.
I hope this has helped you and the other users of this joke service.
Best wishes
James
james.k5@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx.uk
> *** Attention ***
>
> It's that time again!
>
> As many of you know, each year the internet must be shut down for 24
> hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which
> eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for
> a better-working and faster internet.
>
> This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on
. . .
Hey you!
\ | /
\ | /
\\ \ | | / //
\\\ \\ // ///
\\\ ####### ///
\\ ### ### //
\\## ##//
-- ## ## --
-- ## Fupp!! ## --
//## ##\\
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You were just hit by a cyber-snowball! If you want to throw some yourself, mail this to anyone you want - there is just one rule: You can´t throw a snowball at someone who has already hit you. Have fun!
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
- Hold down the shift key.
- Hit the 4 key four times.
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all my calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk
(Translated from Latin scroll dated 2 BC)
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around.
Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind....
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.
If you have any ideas please let me know.
Plutonius
Most widely used calendars had no problem with the year 2000.
In many countries, it is 1420. When the new year starts in each of those countries will depend on where that country is relative to the International Lunar Date Lines, or on actual observation of the phase of the moon.
In Israel it is 5760.
In Thailand and many other countries it is 2543.
In Ethiopia it is 1991.
On Java it is 1922. (Is your browser Java enabled?)
In India the number of the year is manifold. For Jains alone, it is 2057 and 2527.
On Indonesian wall calendars each day's box has several date numbers and day names. In Bali it is very important to know what day it is. There are three cycles of weeks that run simultaneously: each day has a name from the 3 day week, another from the five day week, and one from the seven day week. Together, the three names name the day. The year has 210 days.
In Taiwan it is 89.
Though its number is 2000 on government forms, a recent survey showed that almost half of the people in China, when asked, say:
It is Dragon.
This Year 2000 Millenium bug is ALSO a source for humor.
"Jane's" job includes opening mail for her employer. Junk mail too.
Last week there was a catalogue from a company that sells promotional material related specifically to anniversaries. With it was a covering letter congratulating them on their tenth year in business, coming up this spring.
Yea, right.
The institution "Jane" works for was founded in 1889.
An acquaintance, having seen a great many inquiries about whether his company's software is Year 2000 compliant, is considering using this as his new standard response:
We are quite confident that all of our systems are Year 2000 Compliant.
However, we have over a two year backlog of Year 2000 Compliance forms to fill out, so according to our scheduling database, you should hear back from us in June, 1900.
Gates gives Coke some pointers
Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink market, explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in the ultracompetitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly, since they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, i'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.
J: Uh, i don't want a Coke.
C: Sorry, they're bundled.
J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
C: You don't; the Coke is free.
J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke!
J: I already bought a Snapple across the street - i'm not going to drink the Coke.
C: Then you can't have the burger.
J: Okay, fine, i'll pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseperable.
J: How can that be? They're two totally seperate things!
C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
J: Why did you just do that?!?!
C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.
J: Aaarrgh!
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:
"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"
Top Ten Lightbulb Jokes for the ComputerWorld
- How many IS guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
I'll put you in the queue and get back to you next week.
- How many Mac users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Lightbulbs are made of glass, and that makes them too much like Windows.
- How many OS/2 users does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's never been put to the test: OS/2 bulbs are crash-resistant.
- How many support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Please hold and someone will be with you shortly.
- How many Windows 3.1 users does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one at a time; they don't do preemptive multitasking.
- How many Windows 95 users does it take to change a lightbulb?
As many as you like, but only if your system meets or exceeds a fast 486 processor with 16MB of RAM.
- How many Evangelistas does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them. One to publish the old bulb's email address and the rest mail-bomb it until it goes away.
- How many America Online users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They wait for new lightbulbs to be added.
- How many computer magazine editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don't know, they never return calls or email.
- How many Webmasters does it take to change a lightbulb?
404 (Not found).
666: Number of the Beast
OK, you know that 666 is the Number of the Beast, but did you know that:
| 660 | Approximate number of the Beast |
| DCLXVI | Roman numeral of the Beast |
| 666.0000 | Number of the High Precision Beast |
| 0.666 | Number of the Millibeast |
| /666 | Beast Common Denominator |
| 1010011010 | Binary of the Beast |
| Beast1-666 | Area code of the Beast |
| 00666 | Postcode of the Beast |
| 1-900-666-0666 | Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please. |
| $665.95 | Retail price of the Beast |
| $699.25 | Price of the Beast plus sales tax |
| $769.95 | Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul |
| $656.66 | Target price of the Beast |
| Route | 666 Way of the Beast |
| 666F | Oven temperature for roast Beast |
| 666mg | Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast |
| Netscape | 6.66 BetaBrowser of the Beast |
| i66686 | CPU of the Beast |
| 666I | BMW of the Beast |
| 668 | Next-door neighbour of the Beast |