Children
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
I took my 4 year old son to see the latest Disney movie. Before the main feature was a Donald Duck cartoon. My son got up and asked to be excused and I asked him why. He told me Donald Duck always gives him Disneyspells.
A RECENT HISTORY OF MATH
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?
I remember once in elementary school, I was home sick for over a week. My teacher sent my Mother a "Thank-you" note.
The teacher was instructing her students on how she expected them to behave. "If you have to go to the bathroom, please raise two fingers." She demonstrated holding her arm straight up.
From the back of the room came a tiny voice: "I don't see how that's going to help anything."
Lil' Bradley came home complaining after his first day of school. "I'm not going back tomorrow. I can't read yet. I can't write yet either, and the teacher won't let me talk."
The teacher was surprised to get a note from a Mother the very first day of school, since her child was present. All it said was: "Please excuse Paul for being. It was his Father's fault."
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
When my daughter, Michelle, was about 18 months old, I was driving her to the babysitter's when I was cut off by a guy making a L from the R lane. I came within 1/4 inch of hitting him. Michelle flew forward and started to cry. I was really angry and slammed my fist on the dash and said "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!!" Michelle was OK and we got to the sitters with no further incidents.
About two week after this, a friend at work fixed me up with a blind date. We had agreed that he would come to my apartment about 6. When he knocked, I answered the door with Michelle by my side. He said a brief hello and then bent down to introduce himself to Michelle:
"Hi, my name is Buddy, what's your name".
Michelle looked up at me and said -- "Mommy, iz'at Fuckyou Buddy?"
Daughter: "Daddy, why does it rain ?"
Father: "To make the grass and flowers grow."
Daughter: "Then why does it rain on the driveway & sidewalk ?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling little Johnny's father that evening.
When she told him what little Johnny had said, he told her, "Actually,.... I'm a corporate attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???"
A little girl says, "Granpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Little Johnny and Homework
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Jones. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Jones about Johnny's different way of doing math and his claims that Ms. Jones taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
I was watching a 7 year old child as he drew a picture of Santa Claus and his Reindeers. This kid had a long history of all of his images being color-correct. All of the reindeer that he had drawn were various shades of brown with the exception of one. It was green. I was curious, and asked him why all the reindeer were brown with one exception. His response was: "Oh, that's Olive (a.k.a. 'all of') the other reindeer!"
As appeared in the "Metropolitan Diary" segment of the NY TIMES on May 25, 1998 (page B2)
As a psychologist ina NYC elementary school, I try to get an idea of hte child's physical development. While interviewing a 7-year-old, I noticed that he seemed to have big bones, so I asked, "Are you the tallest one in your class?" I couldn't quite follow his response so I rephrased the question: "Who's the biggest one in your class?"
He looked at me kindly and, as if speaking to someone ot very bright, answered, "the teacher."
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."
The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"
While working on a report about Jonah for a religion class, the follwing thought came to mind....
"I can just picture Jonah sitting on the beach, with a sign hanging around his neck stating, 'If swallowed, induce vomiting.'"
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "Now she knows."
Mrs Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one student starts drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it.
She thinks, and decides not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty and always have some "unusual" picture in mind.
So she starts with Jane.
Jane: "This is our House"
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The teacher: "Good, Jane!" and asks Peter to draw next:
Peter: "This is our Housedoor"
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The teacher: "Very good, Peter" and calls Mary:
Mary: "This is our house roof"
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The teacher: "Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie:
Stevie: "And this is the sun over the house."
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The teacher: "very nice, Stevie" and thinks, there is not much damage that Johnny can do with this picture and asks Johnny to come to the board.
Johnny: "And this is my dad, trying to pick up the soap when he dropped it in the shower.
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The following are all quotes from 11-year-olds' science exams:
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
I am a high school senior. Here are the results of a three year mathematics experiment. Once each year I take my math homework, wrap it plastic, and scrunch the whole thing up and put it in into a cup of chocolate pudding. I take the cup of pudding to math class, and when the teacher asks for our homework I hand her the cup and say, "The proof is in the pudding." Three different teachers in three years. It gets 'em every time.
Lil' Johnny's mother took ther 5 year old boy with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny and his embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for you Life Mom, she's backing up!!!!"
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
Teacher: "Who are the most grateful people in the human race?"
Johnny: "The Turkish."
Teacher: "Why is that?"
Johnny: "You celebrate thanksgiving with turkeys right?"
Teacher: "Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible."
Johnny: "OK Sir, You please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put back it into the tube again."
Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested to listen?"
Johnny: "A Teacher."
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny: "Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day, same time."
Teacher: "Who is the fastest human being in the world?"
Johnny: "My mother... She can catch me doing anything."
First grade class comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."