Grown-Up stuff

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"
Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.
He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone.
The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes lined up in a straight line. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand daughter. Grandma asks the granddaughter, "What are you lining up for?" Granddaughter, not willing to let grandma know the truth, tells her that some people are passing out free oranges and that she is lining up for some. Grandma wants oranges too so she goes to the back of the line.
A policeman is going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he gets to the grandma, he was bewildered and asks, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry!!!"
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made some tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea his curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.
"Oh, yes" she said enthusiasticaly, "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!
There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.
The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The third son went out and saw a young blonde woman in the side of the road. He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said "Ok".
They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you fuck with me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said "I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it."
When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made. He said "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck."
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
The husband replies, "Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."
Last week, God, His Faithful Son, the Pope and Moses and His Messenger Gabriel had a very important meeting. They were troubled by the President of the United States' inappropriate behavior. They decided that the only viable course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across to him.
The problem they faced was how to word this new commandment so that it equaled the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion, they concluded that number 11 should read:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying "You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary". Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.
The teacher's husband called for lunch. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. The man wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying 'We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.'"

Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate - their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the crap out of college students!"
The gynecologist thought it would be a good idea to expand his skills in the field of car maintenance and enrolled for a course to be trained as a mechanic. After completing the course, everyone had to take a practical exam.
When the exam results were posted, the other students were very upset to see that the gynecologist had scored 150% on the practical exam.
The examiner was called in to explain the outrageous mark.
"Well sir, I did not know what else I could have given him. This is the first time I have ever seen anyone do a complete engine overhaul through the exhaust."
A young female teenager runs into the house and asks her mother "Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?"
"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarrassing subject had finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
  1. Why did the man cross the road?
    He heard that the chicken was a slut.
  2. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
    They don't have time.
  3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
    They won't stop for directions.
  4. Why did god put men on earth?
    Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
  5. Why don't women have men 's brains?
  6. What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
    They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
  7. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
    Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
  8. Why do men masturbate?
    It's sex with someone they love.
  9. Why were men given larger brains then dogs?
    So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
  10. Why did God make men before women?
    You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
  11. Why is a man's pea yellow and his sperm white?
    So he can tell if he is coming or going.
  12. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat up?
    Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
  13. Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
    It turns your hard drive into a 3.5" floppy.

A man walks into his son's bedroom and says, "Son, masturbating will cause you to go blind!"
The son replies, "Dad, I'm over here!"
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck."
Chu called himself "Chuck."
Fu decided to return to China.
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back."
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!"
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which said:
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
  1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
  2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
  3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
  4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
  5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?"
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"
She giggles and says, "Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, "Mission Accomplished."
A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too." It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.
They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".
So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
The 3 noth-american presidents, Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) were at a summit dinner at a posh french restaurant.
The waiter ask "le apperitive?"
All of them answer "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?"
Yeltsin: "Oui!"
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton "Le whisky?"
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly I can't button me pants."
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what happened to ya. Did ya ask her like I told ya to?"
"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in..."
Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc.
As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say " Wanna ".
I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said, " I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How " He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said... "ME KNOW HOW...ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!"
After much soul-searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!
"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.
"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap.
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
"1956," was his immediate reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine-----what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please."
"All right, what is your age?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And the age of the bride?"
"She's 15, sir."
"15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!"
"I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. Hillary asks Chelsea, "You've been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?"
Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."
One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.
After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense.
"Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office??"
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.
Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.
You were perfectly right.
You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife. He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.
A country girl who'd gone off to the big city returned and ran into her old beau. Wanting to show off as he greeted her, she said stiffly, "I didn't get your name."
"You sure tried hard enuff before ya left." he replied.
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got!"
The wealthy couple were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. Their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, closing the trap, "and cheap ones, too!"
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
A Night out
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no." says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.
At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant,colided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farmhand was and she repied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"
Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Jon then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.
After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.
He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.
He kicks her in the face.
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
"I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?!" demanded the doctor's wife.
"Errr... Just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "in WHOSE profession? Yours, or HERS?"
Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms. The more boastful of the two.....went right to it and made love to his date... leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall....
Feeling sprightly, he went again... and once again at the completion of the act ..marked another "l" on the wall - next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag.. he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing....fell asleep.
Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window... he quickly grab his lady and did it one more time...... and marked another "l" on the wall... Just at that time ..His friend enters...and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims:
"DAMN- a hundred and eleven... beat me by three...."
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her class.The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
"The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist," reported the girl.
"You mean literally -- whips and that sort of thing?" asked her roommate.
"Worse than that! That creep screwed me with a four-inch dick and then French-kissed me good-bye with an eight-inch tongue!"
Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in GOLF but aren't:
10. shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first!
Top 17 Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant
17. "I finished the Oreos."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........."
By combining Allegra, an allergy medication, and Viagra for...well you know... pharmacists can now give you an erection
that's not to be sneezed at!
Pre-Relationship Agreement

The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).
    At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
    Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
    Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
    Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.)
    Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item".
    Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date" either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple".
    Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable.
    Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
    For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods.
    No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time.
    Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
    For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the phone calls.
    Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary.
    Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
    Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.
    It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
    1. He considers her suitably impressed,
    2. We are broke, or
    3. He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
    (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.
    Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".) (Especially since we tend to excel in this area!)
    For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
    Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not to meet his parents.
  9. THE "L" WORD:
    For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word . . . "Gone."
    Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
    1. Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
    2. Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that same thing"
    3. Suggesting, no matter how kindly, that the other member should seek "help"
    4. ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..." and
    5. complaining more than twice about the contents of the other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof).
    At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:
    1. "You'll never find anybody better"
    2. "Nobody could ever make you happy"
    3. "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me" and
    4. "My analyst thinks you are .. . ." (Psychosis to be filled in at the proper time.)
    1. Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes' notice before terminating said relationship;
    2. both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks"
    3. at the termination of said affair:
      1. both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal under- garments with all due haste through impartial intermediary;
      2. each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hour before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends;
      3. both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
        • "The timing wasn't right"
        • "He/She wanted more than I could give"
        • "He/She was too involved in his/her career"
        • "He/She decided to go back with his/her
          1. girl/boyfriend;
          2. last lover;
          3. hometown;
          4. therapist".
  13. 13. ADDENDUM:
    After the initial breakup, no matter what, both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts \ have discovered.
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout," declared gerontologist Dr.Karen Bouncer.
Dr. Bouncer and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.
The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.
"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Bouncer. "There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half."
Dr. Bouncer suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at least 10 minutes a day looking at breasts sized "D-cup" or greater. "We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
Dr. Bouncer says she would advise males to watch "jiggle" shows on TV, rent low-budget women-in-prison movies and peruse men's magazines such as Playboy as often as possible.
The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose headlights were most likely to yield a beneficial health effect. These amply endowed "angels of mercy" include Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore.
A guy and a girl on a date park the car and make love in the back seat. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges. She wants more still and so the guy says, "Excuse me a minute. I have to relieve myself."
While out of the car, he notices a guy changing a flat tire. He approaches the guy and say, "Look, I've got this gal in my car I've given it to her four or five times already and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."The stranger walks back to the car and, before he can introduce himself, the girl is all over him. Sure enough, a cop monitoring the area notices the bouncing car. He knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
"What's going on in there?"
"I'm making love to my wife."
"Why don't you do that at home?" asks the cop.
"To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
They were arguing about the alleged inborn strain of decietfulness in woman, and she retaliated by citing the instances of men deceiving their wives.
"I suppose," said he, "that you hold that a man should never deceive his wife."
"Oh no!" she smiled back at him. "I shouldn't go so far as that. How would it be possible for the average man to get a wife if he didn't deceive her?"
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
All Drugs have a generic name.
- Tylenol is Acetaminophen
- Advil is Ibuprofin
And so on...
What's the generic name for Viagra?
- Mycoxafailin
Did y'all ever wonder why mice have such small balls?
Easy -- very few of them can dance at all.
A young teen studying sex education went to the zoo and saw her first kangaroo. As she was watching, a baby kangaroo stuck its head out of the Mother's pouch. "Just as I suspected," the girl said to herself. "Cesareans do leave a nasty scar."
What would a really gay friendly airline be like? Join us on this short flight of fancy as we re-design the first airline for gay men, lesbians, and anyone else lucky enough to get a seat.
Welcome Aboard:
The Fabulair experience begins when you call our reservations number, 900-FLY-FABU. We know you can make reservations on other airlines for free. But our 900 number is only 28c/minute (50% of all proceeds go to the Human Rights Campaign), and our reservationists are very good on the phone.
Your tickets will arrive in a sleek Deisel leather ticket folio. Your seat assignment (only aisle or window, no middle) is pre-reserved and your inflight menu is included because we know how long it takes some of you to make up your minds, especially with a menu as fabulous as ours. When you arrive at the airport, you'll recognize our terminal immediately. Richard Sabala did the lights. Susan Morabito did the music. Thierry Mugler did the departure lounge. Outside, we have a specially commissioned sculpture of Amelia Earhart and Ellen DeGeneres as "traveling companions." Our sky caps, muscles bulging under their Raymond Dragon uniforms, will check your luggage. We allow five pieces, not two, and no extra charge for golf clubs, ladies.
You Know You've Arrived:
Stroll through our luxurious terminal to your gate. We only use walk-through metal detectors on request; a physical body search is preferred by most of our passengers. (Body cavity searches are, unfortunately, limited to international flights.) Follow the red velvet roping up to the plane door. The gate agent will take your ticket and give you your wristband boarding pass. Keep it on - it's color-coded to indicate whether you're aggressively single, possibly available, or married. On board we have no flight attendants. Just stewardesses. Even the guys. They're young, tall, thin, gorgeous, dressed by Chanel and trained by RuPaul - they're gonna work! Butch has no place in our aisles. If butch is what you're after, lust after our baggage handlers. Hired from Colt and Falcon Studios, they just can't seem to keep their shirts on. Our cockpit crew? All gay men and lesbians discharged from the military.
If There's Anything We Can Do...:
Fabulair is bringing style back to air travel. Settle into your seat. What do you notice? It's comfortable. And it matches your outfit. Overhead, you'll find reading lights plus tanning lights. The black leather seats smell as good as they feel. You can't wait to fasten your seatbelt low and tight against your waist. Aaah. You're ready for takeoff. You'll never see "Honey, I Blew Up the Kids" on Fabulair. We only show movies starring Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Madonna or Jody Foster. Or movies about women in love. With each other. Care for a magazine? Vanity Fair... Out.... Curve... Genre?... Sorry, we gave out our last copy of HX, but our chief purser would be happy to show you around New York personally.
The Airphone at every seat has speed dial for Bill Clinton, Barney Frank, Elizabeth Birch, Tzabaco, International Male, and J. Crew, for the non-stop activist and shopaholic. Perhaps you'd like to listen to our specially selected audio entertainment. Channel 1: kd lang. Channel 2: Pet Shop Boys. Channel 3: The Indigo Girls. Channel 4: Junior's "Dancing on Air" party mix (a Fabulair exclusive). Channel 5: Melissa Etheridge. Channel 6: Nothing but show tunes. Before you know it, your flight will be over. But don't be sad.
You've earned lots of frequent flyer miles, good towards your next trip on Fabulair. We regret that they are blacked out for the Black Party, White Party, Gay Pride, Hotlanta and Halloween, but use them over any of the other holidays. Bonus miles? Sure. Stay at a gay B&B. Get a Rainbow Card. Use Community Spirit Long Distance. Take an Olivia Cruise. Subscribe to Out & About. Triple Miles? Just date one of our employees.
Too Fabulous:
Our in-flight service is not coach, business or first. It's so fabulous, we named it Fabulous Class. It may seem like first class on other airlines, but we never use those words, because nothing we do is second class. We recognize however, that many of our passengers are too special and important, even for Fabulous Class. For those who require the utmost in privacy and luxury we have an exclusive cabin that we call Too Fabulous Class. Too Fabulous passengers don't need tickets. We know who you are. Our already generous luggage limit is waived for you. At boarding time, come right to the front of the red roping. Even though we have short lines, we kept the roping because we know you like it. On board, you'll notice the little touches that make a difference. A full harness replaces the standard seatbelt. A stewardess for every passenger. Marble bathrooms big enough for two. Live entertainment and a personal video screen with personal video choices. We couldn't improve our service, so we just added more. Massage. Manicure. Hair styling. Waxing and electrolysis (LA flights only). And group psychotherapy in our upstairs lounge. We think you'll agree, It's a fabulous world on Fabulair, the world's first all-gay airline.
Henry Cohen's parents were not happy that he was not married by the age of 30, and they kept telling him so. He wanted to please his parents, but couldn't meet a nice girl. In desperation, he married a goyish prostitute.
His new wife's friends worried because she had stopped showing up at her regular streetcorner, but one evening she appeared, in new clothing and fancy jewelry. Naturally, the firends were curious, and she told them how she had married a nice Jewish boy. "What about his parents?" they asked. She answered, "They love me. After Henry told them about us, they had a party every evening for a week. They call it shiva."
A guy is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots. He can't wait to show his new boots to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new snakeskin boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her.
As the wife emerges from the bathroom her husband asks, "Well honey, do you notice anything special?" to which the wife replies" Yeah, it's limp!"
"It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. " It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!"
"Next time buy a hat."
Frustrated fem: "And if I turn you down, you'll kill yourself, right ?"
Anxious boy: "Well... that's what I usually do."
Young teen to friend: "I'll never understand girls, even if I should live to be twenty."
As they were parked in front of her house, the young girl told her date, "You know, we're an awful lot like Romeo and Juliet. My dad sez he's going to kill you."
The Yuppie and Yuppette, ever alert to "appearances", were both very concerned over the girl their son was dating.
"Son..." the Father began, "I should think you'd be a little more particular over the company you keep."
"Dad," the boy replied, "If you're talking about Mitzi, I'm sorry but she's the best girl I can get with the car I have."
The scrawny young miss with train-track braces on her teeth and an overly large retainer was hanging near the library's information desk as if she wanted to ask a question, but was afraid to.
Finally, the librarian smiled at the shy lil' girl and said, "Is there something I can help you find ?"
"Well..." she blushed. "would you know if you have a current copy of 'Scouting for Boys' ?"
An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.
"A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, "'Ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"
- Submitted by William Conway
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.
My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.
"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."
A 16 year old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?", she asked.
Her mother replied: "If I wore that when I was your age , you would have been 5 years older.
A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.
I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything.
"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there.
A couple of weeks later, she related the following.
"We were in bed, making love. I said, 'Tell me you love me.' He said, 'I love you.' I said 'Tell me you're the Easter Bunny.' He stopped for a second, and said, 'I'm the Easter Bunny.' So I slapped him."
The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.

A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys

By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the scenester dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot grrrls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

Where The Geek Dude Lurks

While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.
Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.


You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic....

The Trek factor

If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Voyager. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. For extra help in learning how to relate in their own language, check out the Klingon Language Institute.

Once You've Nabbed Him

Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man:
Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

Geek Cuisine

Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

Geek Lifestyle

The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize.
To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.

Geek Buddies

Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.

Post-It Note

I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem who is always had trouble (this is fairly apt). This exchange is interesting for several reasons:
  1. Howard had already thought about who she was most like.
  2. He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.
  3. Victoria actually knew who he meant.
Folks, I think this marriage will last.

One Last Thing

Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.
Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so.

Happy Hunting!

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"
"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye...that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord...didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but that particular part of Mrs. Riley is not much use in a fight!"
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo."This", he said,"is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Clever Dick laughed."Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"? Again there was a whirring of wheels anda flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on itwere the words:
"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."
The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."
Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

Tired Traveling Salesman

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Every time the host needed something, he precede his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "that's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that's a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school; it tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 39 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 145 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex.
It's really a wonder my wife and I ever got together in the first place. She swore she would never marry me when I was drunk, and I wouldn't dream of marrying her when I was sober.
Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!!?
A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"
"Don't miss me, mister."
"Well then, you better make it 13."
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
One day, an Eskimo family arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native village, and it didn't take long before the wife got lost.
The Eskimo husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it.
When he got there, a police officer asked him for the wife's description. "What's that?" asked Eskimo. "Well, you see a description is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 5'11", 140 lbs, 38-25-36 measurements. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?"
"The heck with her, lets go look for yours!"
The wives of four world leaders were having "tea" and the topic was raised of what one diplomatically calls a gentleman's manhood in their language.
Tony Blair's wife said in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
Jaques Chirac's wife said in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Boris Yeltsin's wife said in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
Bill Clinton's wife said that in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT?????????????????" The wife explains that he is unsensitive and must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care).
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"

Jon Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News)

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1)

"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." (Jimmy Hill - BBC)

"Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names." (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)

"Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily." (Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)

Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg? (Talk Radio)

Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time." (BBC Radio 4)

Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks." (GLR)

Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to get pregnant?"
Girl: "No. It was a cock-up."

Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that!"
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw that." (BBC)

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?" The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.
Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?
Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!
Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

To all the women out there:

Let's say a guy asks you out. Stop and think about your comparative economic situations. The odds are, he makes more money than you do. Guys don't generally date "up", and even if professionally you're at the same level, he's getting paid more money for doing the exact same job. So he can afford to pay for you. (Frankly, if you're hoping to marry and have children with this man, he's making enough money to support a family when you have to take a maternity leave and raise his offspring.)
But, in case you need more justification, read on:
Now, for him to ask you out, think about how you looked when he saw you. Your haircut? It cost more than his. Your clothes? Not only are they more expensive, but women's fashions change more rapidly than men's, so you've spent far more money getting dressed. And when you take it to the dry cleaners, or the laundry, they charge you more, even though there's less fabric. Even if every line item in your wardrobe was identical, think about the two items that you have that he doesn't: that bra (and probably not a cheap one,you were wearing -- the Wonderbra, or he wouldn't have bothered in the first place) and pantyhose. Expensive, and they run. Oh, did I mention cosmetics?
So, it's cost you a lot more money, just to get to the point where he's inclined to ask you out. And HE asked YOU out. In business, if someone asks you to lunch, they're paying, right? You don't even think about this, do you? Okay. So, he comes to pick you up. That apartment of yours? Because you're a woman, you have to think about living in a safe (read: more expensive) neighborhood. You insist on an "upper" apartment, which is at least $10 more a month. How about the pepper spray in your purse, or the cell phone for emergencies?
How many guys have that stuff to defend themselves from those marauding bands of female rapists and muggers? How about all the times you've valet parked because you don't want to walk a block or two in THAT neighborhood? If you live in New York, all the times you've taken a cab home instead of the subway because it's not safe for a woman to be out at that hour?
You go out, you let him pay.
It goes well, (because even if they bitch and moan about it, paying does make them feel like a man) he keeps asking you out. So, why not reach for the wallet now?
Are you planning to have sex with him?
So, that annual check-up you get just to make sure that all the parts are working properly? Unless your gynecologist knows the insurance scam, that's at least $100 a year that's not covered. And then, there's the birth control issue. Okay, at first, maybe for awhile, you're using condoms. He might even be paying for some of those, at pennies a pop. But we've done the math. We know what the failure rates are there. So even if Trojan Man is paying a visit, we're probably employing a backup method. You read Cosmo. You know.
Everything is expensive and laden with hideous, probably not entirely known, side effects. The only inexpensive, side-effect-free method of birth control is the word NO. Which doesn't always work, and that's expensive and really shitty if it fails.
So there you have it. He asked you to dinner, he picked the restaurant, let him pick up the tab. Be a charming companion - you know the expression "dining out on that story..." If you want to do something nice for him, make him dinner once in awhile. Buy really nice lingerie. Stock up on his favorite brand of condom. Pay for your half of the vacation. But never, ever, pay for the date. No amount of sushi at Matsuhisa can possibly compensate for what it cost you to get your butt in that chair.
I'm all for equality, and letting a guy buy you dinner once in a while is a very fair way to even out the financial (and psychic) costs of being an attractive female that men want to buy dinner for.
A jounalist is visiting sheep farmers throughout the world to see how the job compares across the broad expanse of climates etc.
He first visits the British sheep farmers and asks them lots of questions about the work involved and the tediousness of life just looking after the sheep.
Then at the end of the interview he says, "Well thanks, but there was just one thing I would like to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
"ay opp. What's that then"
"Well, you know there have been stories about sheep and shepherds for thousands of years, you know, giving a sheep the odd shag.....?"
"aie. It's one me perks of the job. Just stick the back legs down the front of me boots, lift the tail and away you go!"
"Oh, right, thanks", says the journalist.
He then leaves and flies to Australia. Again he gets all the info then asks the bloke the same questions about, er fringe benefits? The rancher replies,
"Yeh, 'cause we do. Just stick the back legs down the front of y' boots, lift the tail and Bam away y' go!"
The jounalist then flies to New Zealand and interviews a sheep farmer there.
Again he goes through the list of questions, making notes.
At the end of the interveiw he asks the question about the sheep. The shepherd replies, "Of course we do. Just lie them down on their backs, climb in between their legs and give a good stiff pounding?"
"Hmm", says the journalist, "that's not the conventional method." He explains it to the New Zealander who looks aghast.
"How can you kiss them like that then?"
A Spaniard, Juan by name and not nature, fell in love with Carmencita, a most possessive girl. She had heard the gossip that his was a wandering eye but it didn't surprise her because that trait was inherited from his primitive ancestors when they swung continually from limb to limb.
She decided there was only one way she could be certain her man would remain faithful until she could exchange the alter for the halter. By accompanying him everywhere, every waking moment, she became the village joke but her vigilance was rewarded when she was able finally to wed her suitor without his ever once being unfaithful, a state of grace hitherto unheard of in all of Spain.
Everywhere she went, eager, enquiring maidens would ask her for the secret of her success and her wise answer can be condensed to seven words: ... You always herd the Juan you love.

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
As the female conductor came along the train checking tickets the kinky passenger opened his raincoat with a flourish and exposed himself.
"I'm sorry," she said, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."
My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, "Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing."
--George Burns
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
I work as a pharmacist at a fairly high volume pharmacy. Most of the processing is done by our good technicians, but they don't always know the clinical aspects of the medications we're dispensing.
One day last week there was a medicine making its way to the counter for a customer who was waiting. My tech didn't know the medicine was to help Men who had erection problems.
The tech sensed the customer was becoming impatient and said, "Yours will be up in just a minute, sir."
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his ute when he saw his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below.
Bruce slammed on the brakes and shouted, "G'day Sheila! What the fuck do you think you're doin'?"
Sheila turned around with a tear in her eye and said, "G'day Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce got a lump in his throat when he heard this and replied, "Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too!"
Now that lawyers can advertise, says a reporter, you had better brace yourself for the following pitch from one who specializes in divorces: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."
Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whisk-broom. The groom broom was aghast! "How is this possible?" he asked. "We've never swept together!"
Even though we can now explain differences between men and women's social conducts genetically (that's the best excuse I've heard for years), several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few centuries away yet... for instance, can you explain why,
This bloke is driving around town and he sees a sign outside the local service station "Your chance to win free sex with every tank of petrol". He thinks that this sounds OK, so he pulls in, fills up and goes to pay the cashier. He hands over his money and then asks the man behind the counter "What about the free sex?". The cashier replies, "That's our competition, but to win what you have to do is guess a number between 1 and 1000, you've got three goes."
So our friend has three guesses and the cashier tells him "Sorry mate you didn't win this time". He drives off and he thinks to himself, "sounds like I was had."
Next day he's telling his mate about it. "I saw this petrol station yesterday where they reckon you can win free sex with a tank of petrol, but it's all rigged like all of these competitions and you can't win."
His mate replies, "Nah it's straight, I know the one, my wife's been in there and has won three times already."
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a Restaurant and a laundry, have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
A penguin is driving across the desert..(whyever penguins do such things)...and his car breaks down. He pulls into a service station and the attendant says he will take a look at it. "Is there an ice cream store around here?" the penguin asks. "Yeah, right across the street." the attendant replies.
So while they check his car out, the penguin goes across the street to the ice cream store. "I'll have a large vanilla ice cream, please." "Will that be a cone or a bowl?" asks the guy behind the counter. "Make that a large bowl of vanilla." says the penguin. He gets his bowl of ice cream and digs cream is flying everywhere (penguins aren't very neat).
After his ice cream, he waddles back across the street to check on his car. By this time, they have his car up on the lift. "What does it look like?" asks the penguin. The attendant replies "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No way!" says the penguin, "I have just been eating vanilla ice cream!"
"Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit."
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
A married couple is on holiday in Pakistan. They're touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they pass this small sandal shop.
From inside they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in, come into my humble shop. Salaam a leekem! (hello in English)"
So the married couple walks in. The Pakistani man says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife, after hearing this, is really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the sex god he is.
The husband tells the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replies "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally concedes to try them on. The husband puts them on and gets this wild look in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years, raw sexual power.
In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani man, throws him on a table and starts tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man is screaming, "No, no, no! You've got them on the wrong feet!"
A man suspected his young wife of being too friendly with another man, so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Won-Long Pan, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later he received this report:
Honorable Sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she get off train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree, look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree.
No see.
No fee.
A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.' "
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice that she's going to quit. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" He asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all." She said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a rise."
"No." She said.
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." Said the girl, she took off her underwear and point to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't got this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!!" The girl cried with a sob, "I can't wait two weeks, I gonna quit now, not only you got the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaa", then rejoined the flock.
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man....
"But it's startin' to twitch."
Three bulls heard through the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion amongst them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know were this newcomer is going to get his cows from, but I'm not giving him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me too. I've been here 3 years and have earned the right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight till I run him off or kill him, but I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I must keep all my cows."
They had just finished their talk when an eighteen wheeler pulls in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it; the biggest son-of-a-bull these guys have ever seen. At 4700 pounds each step he took towards the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ah-hem.........You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice. Perhaps I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for a confrontation.
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all the cows, I just making sure he knows I'm a bull.
An elderly Irving Schwartz and the widow Esther Cohen were sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.
The Mr. Schwartz, a widower himself, says to Esther, "For five dollars,I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars,I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."
The Esther considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The Irving says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
The Esther says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
A married couple was having a quiet dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked by their table and winked at the husband. "Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"Well, if you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress!? You bastard! I want a divorce!" the wife screamed.
Looking directly into her eyes, her husband calmly replied, "Are you saying you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your maid, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman cleared her throat and said, "Isn't that your boss Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband said.
"Hmmmph." she said, taking another bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
When I was in Jr. High, all I wanted was a girlfriend with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. I got excited about anything and decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.
"We're newlyweds, and we'd like a suite," said the groom to the hotel clerk.
"Bridal?" inquired the clerk.
"Oh, no!" blurted out the bride.
"I'll just hang on to his ears until I get used to it."
The farmer finds his son behind the barn pulling his pud, and the old man exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough to get married."
The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father.
The next morning, the farmer father comes behind the barn and discovers his son flailing away, just as before. "Son, I got you married so you wouldn't have to do that!"
"Ah, pa, she ain't got no grip at all!!!"
The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "I cut. I cut."
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"- it rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"
Team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again. It now says, "'HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!'"
'"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, "What happened?"
Tommy replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man: "Ok, but that's not so bad."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened then?"
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
Man: "and then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man: "Again?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do then?"
Farmer: "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
Man: "and then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
Man: "Hmmm..."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in....."
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Eeeew! Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"There are three types," replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused, the man asks, "What is the difference in them?"
The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro.
The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said only once and he replied that that was all it took. Well, when the Dr. held it upside down and slapped it's bottom to make it cry.
"Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepherd?
The Stones say "Hey you! Get off of my Cloud." and The Scottish Shepherd says "Hey McCleod! Get off of my ewe.
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.
"Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."
"For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of German fighter plane."
"Vell .ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers were Messerschmitt's."
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. Saying "Go put this on and come down to model it for me"
His wife goes upstairs opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference.
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing.
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said " Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
Clinton was walking around the white house with a pair of ladies panties on his arm.
Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was doing now.
After about an hour one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties on his arm and Clinton replied:
"It's the patch, I'm trying to quit !!"
Her young bosom heaving in chagrin, Susan confessed her tearful tidings to her Mother.
"Oh Mom !" she sobbed, "I'm pregnant!"
"Ye gads!!!" screamed the Mother. "And just who is the Father?"
The daughter lifted up her weeping face and wailed "How the hell would I know. You're the one who would never let me go steady."
There once was a little blonde girl who wore a dress to school every day and really loved jelly beans more than anything. The boys at her school decided to take full advantage of this and one day approached her and offered to give her a bag filled with 50 jelly beans if she would climb the schoolyard flagpole. She did and came back down so the boys gave her the jelly beans.
That day she came running home and yelled to her mom "Mommy! Mommy! Today the boys at school gave me 50 jelly beans to climb the flagpole at school!"
The mother shook her head and replied "Oh no! They just did that so they could see up your dress and see your panties! I don't want you to ever do this again!"
So the next day the boys offered her 100 jelly beans to climb the flag pole. She did, they gave her the jelly beans and she ran home again and said to her mother "Mommy! Look! Today the gave me 100 jelly beans for climbing the flagpole!"
The mother got upset and told her "They just did that so they could see your panties!!! Listen to me! I don't want you to ever let this happen again!"
So the next day the boys offered her 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did without haste and ran home again and shouted with a wide smile on her face "Mommy! Look! I got 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole today!"
The mother said "What have I been telling you the past couple days?! They're just doing that to see your panties!"
The little girl replied still smiling widely "I know! I know! But this time I tricked them! I didn't wear any!"
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans to race next season. When he gets her home his old stallion spots her and starts kicking up dust and raising all sorts of hell.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked up because he won't be able to race her, so he calls the vet for advice.
The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around the horse's rump to keep the stallion away.
The next day the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the neighbor's kid out by the barn.
"Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her rump?" the farmer asks.
The kid replies, "No sir, but I saw one dash by with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass!"
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history. "So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got to the University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I'd been at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believe when, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was even more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have a clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my....
-- She stopped.
"Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just like CHOCOLATE!"
Melanie (her name) wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she'd bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet.
"It does!", she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!!"
Two weeks into college I was still a virgin. I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as 'incredible', 'amazing', `Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed by mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor rubbed off. It didn't.
I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve.
Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn't know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he got?", they seemed to ask themselves.
But when the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen. And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob.
When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me Willy Wonka.
Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one.
I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything. Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I did well and then I went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Fantastic!
It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out. I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point.
"Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallus only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you."
She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her.
Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field...
"No!" she said.
She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!"
I stopped.
"Why not?", I asked.
"I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't. Not..."
"I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you to do it to me, ever."
"You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen..."
I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if she wanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them apart slightly. She resisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I --
I lifted my head up.
"Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!!"
Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO !!!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
A mother and her son were flying TWA from Indianapolis to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So the stewardess said, "Go tell your mother that TWA always pulls out on time."
One day about a month ago, President Reagan was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge--a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She replied, "$200."
To the brunette he made a similar proposition. Her reply was "$200."
He made the same offer to the redhead. Her reply was:"Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, keep it as high as the gas prices, keep me warmer than my apartment, and screw me the way you do the public, believe me, Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a damn cent..."
Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
-Bill Ward
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
--Martha Thorrens
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
--David Dieckmann
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" And Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you". Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?" The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."
Snow White and the seven dwarfs went down to the pond. Snow White was starting to undress to take a bath when she realized the dwarfs looking at her. She said, "turn around and when you hear the water splash, you can turn around and look." They turned around, she undressed and as she stepped into the pond, a frog jumped in and splashed the water. The dwarfs turned around...
If this were a commercial for a product ad, what would the product be?
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing rockin....
Pa says to Ma ....Screw you Ma
a minute goes by.
Ma says to Pa .....Screw you Pa
a minute goes by.
Pa says to Ma ... Screw you Ma
a minute goes by.
Ma says to Pa.... Screw you Pa
another minute goes by.
Pa says to Ma.... Screw you Ma
a minute later
Ma says to Pa.... Screw you Pa
a couple of minutes go by......
Pa says to Ma: I don't know about you Ma...but I just don't get too much out of this Oral Sex stuff!
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinese man runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,...and......finds four chinese men!
An RCMP officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie the carburetor was frozen. "Well, piss on it," the Mountie said. "Can't," replied the rider. The helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.
A few days later the local detachment received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.
A guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar.
He walked up to her and said "Can I buy you a drink?"
She replied "Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me."
"And why not?" replied the guy.
"Because I'm a lesbian." she replied.
"Oh, so you're from Lebanon."
"You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?"
"No, I can't say I do." replied the guy.
"Let me try to explain." said the blonde.
"You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long."
She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably.
"What's the matter with you?!"
The guy slowly looked up at her and said "My GOD...I think I'm a lesbian, too!"
A Navy Admiral (*which Navy will go unspecified) was being courtmartialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform."
The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."
The Admiral was acquitted.
The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.
The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room.
This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"
"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..........
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said....
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
A carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist had a mutual friend who was getting married, and in keeping with the custom, each was determined to play a practical joke on the newlyweds.
The electrician decided to wire up the marriage bed so that when the two bodies touched, they got a shock.
The carpenter planned to saw partly through the bed frame so that it would collapse when the shocked newlyweds jumped apart.
And as the wedding approached, the dentist was still scratching his head and trying to come up with something.
After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends:
"I didn't mind too much when we got zapped," he told them, "and we both had a good laugh when the bed fell down. But who in hell put Novocain in the Vaseline?"
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean... Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British."
A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."
"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!'
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pull his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.
All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. The man rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "f--- you".
The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted his revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The gorilla did the same. Then the man picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next the man whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hair hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked & very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"
"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.
After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."
"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up."
So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.
After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.
Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my asshole as your scoreboard?"
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he smirked. "Yes!", said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!", he cried. "But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do. He's in too far."
Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified...
"Only twenty years of normal sex life?" Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.
Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But, I don't need twenty years," protested the monkey. "Ten years is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.
Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?" The lion graciously agreed.
Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"
And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.
"Members of Congress, people of America, I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary, I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine."
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the chemist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the chemist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
In Melbourne Australia, one of the radio stations pay money, ($100-500), for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This mornings one netted the proud owner $300 AUD.
As the lady said... "I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 09:30. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about thirty five minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed up stairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the flannel and gave myself a wash in front of the basin taking extra care to make sure I was presentable. Threw the flannel in the wash basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said, "my.. we have taken a little extra effort this morning haven't we?"
The appointment over I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning the evening meal etc.... At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, "Mum - where's my flannel?" I called back for her to get another from the linen cupboard, she called back,
"No - I need my one that was here by the basin. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."

There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
  When in bed with a lay
  He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.

There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
  The result, as you'd guess,
  Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
  Oh, the Vicar is quicker
  And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.

Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallis.
  They found her vagina
  In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
  When she shouted for more,
  Said he from the floor,
The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson.

Said a woman with open delight,
My pubic hair's perfectly white.
  I admit there's a glare,
  But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night,

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
A traveling salesman, in the middle of his 2 week stint on the road, walks into a WhoreHouse. The salesman whips out $300.00 and hands it to the Madam of the house.
"Give me the WORST lay you have here." he says.
The Madam, looking confused, says "But sir, for this kind of money, you can have one of my very BEST girls."
The salesman, not to be discouraged, says, "Please, I just want the WORST piece of ass in the house."
The Madam, now getting a bit upset replies "Sir, for $300.00, you could get the best lay of your life."
Sheepishly the salesman says, "I don' want the best lay of my life, I'm not horny, I'm HOMESICK!"
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
Little Johnny is sleeping in bed, when his mother comes along and says: "Rise and shine Johnny, time to wake up." Johnny replies, like any normal kid, "5 more minutes mum." Little Johnny's mother decides to give Johnny 5 more minutes, so she goes down the stairs and starts cooking breakfast.
5 minutes Johnny comes down the stairs and is crying uncontrollably. "What's wrong Johnny?" asks Johnny's mother.
"I had a wet dream last night," Johnny replied. His mother is surprised, but keeps her composure.
"That's nothing to cry over, is it Johnny?" she says.
"Of course it bloody is," says Johnny. "Now whenever anyone asks me what the first thing I said after my first orgasm is, I'll have to tell them '5 more minutes mum!'"
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?"
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."
"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?"
"Yes, Johnny, He did."
Again the answer was, "Yes, Johnny, He did."
Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?!?!? No wonder everyone is so cranky!"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Little Johnny And The Substitute Teacher
Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says "hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"
The entire class says" Hello Mrs. Prussy"
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick When Johny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher"I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter".
"That's right" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God".
The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world ."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first guy says: "Guys, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."
Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, its okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy asked: "I told you before we got married; why did you still faint?" The girl said; "You told me it was just like a baby".
The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches"
"Why are you in this particular line of work?" a sociology researcher asked the massage-parlor girl.
"I'm trying to pay back this loan shark named Paul something or other," she said. "So I'm literally rubbing peters to pay Paul."
An old woman in the West Virginia hills received a letter from her grandneice, who'd gone off to the big city to seek her fortune. Puzzled by the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, "Judi says here that she's got herself a job in a . . . a . . . a . . . well, it must be a *message* parlor."
"I reckon city folks must leave word there fer their neighbors and kinfolk. Them not having back fences and all," her husband said. "Does Judi say how much they's a payin' her?"
"Well, that's the part I can't make out. For the life of me, Paw, she says she gets some $35 for a hand delivered message and $60 if she *blows* it to them!"
As the groom was walking down the aisle of the church to take his place at the altar, the best man and the maid of honor notice that he has a pretty contented smile on his face. Smiling back, the best man asked, "I know you're happy to be getting married, but aren't you a just little bit nervous?"
"Well," the groom replies, "it's not that. To tell you the truth, I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life!"
Looking over they see the bride walking down the aisle and she, too, has a pretty contented smile on her face. The maid of honor smiles back, and ask, "So, and why are you so happy?"
"Well," the bride replies, "you see, I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year..... maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom....
And she yells, 'Fuck You!!!!!' and I holler back, 'Fuck You too.'"
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Monica Fights Back
In response to President Clinton's firm denial, Monica Lewinsky released a statement through her Lawyer.
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when times are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard times in the past and I know what is coming...
I will meet this challenge the only way I know how...head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a fighter, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non stop and fight this blow by blow until I am whipped clean of this dirty affair. Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free."
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.
She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked.
He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."
This is a true story. I heard it from a friend of a friend whose sisters friend cousins friend nephews brother-in-laws uncles friend told. It is totally true.
There was two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to acollege on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return her letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didnt take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did is this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading,
"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
Tune: Supercallifragilisticxpialidosious
Queers like to take it up the bum from dildoes, dicks, or fingers,
Lesbians like their tonguing slow to make the climax linger,
But Supercallousflagellisticexpectcunnilingus,
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye
My fat Auntie Ethel was into suits of rubber,
Then she met the Michelin Man and took him as a lover,
But they used a diesel tube for enemas on each other,
The explosion rocked the city hall and covered it in blubber.
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye
Uncle John likes whips and knives and ladies to disfigure,
Auntie Kath liked to be tied and whipped with bamboo canes or wicker,
She said, "Whip me, whip me, and make me writhe and slither,"
He said, "No, I'll tickle you, that will make my dick get stiffer."
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye
Uncle Cyril, we always knew, was into brown hattery,
He stuck a dildo up his boyfriend's bum with lots of beer and flattery,
"Take it out and I'll give you dick," he said quite matter of factly,
"Oh no, please don't take it out but kindly change the battery!"
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye
Mary Jane looks like a man but on little girls she's keener,
Thought she'd take a virgin home and try to get between her,
The virgin said, "Oh no please sir,
I don't know where it's been, sir,"
Mary Jane said, "It's factory fresh," and introduced a wiener.
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"
A guy asks a LA girl out on a date after meeting her in a bar. She says, "What kind of car do you drive?"
He replies "A VW Bug."
She scornfully says, "That's awfully small!"
He replies, "Don't worry, I'm not going to screw you with the car."
An elderly priest was upset with the things he was hearing during Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me 'I have cheated with Anthony...I have cheated with Mary...I have cheated with Frankie.' I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when you come into my confessional, you will say 'I have fallen with Anthony, or with Mary, or with Frankie.' No more the word CHEAT. It will be FALL."
About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions, the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, "Mr. Mayor, you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they are falling all over the place."
The mayor immediately understood the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and laughed.
The priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr. Mayor, you shouldn't be laughing! Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times.!"
A woman is picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the famous basketball player, known for the wildly changing color and style of his hair. They liked each other and the women went back with him to his hotel room. He removed his shirt revealing all of his tattoos and she saw that on his right arm was a tatoo which said, "Reebok". She thought that was a bit odd and asked him about it.
Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bitlater, his pants came off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to the corner of the room.
Rodman said, "What's wrong?"
The woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tatoo on his penis which read "AIDS" . Finally she said, "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He said, "It's cool baby, don't worry, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry."
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out!
A few minutes later, two old ladies weere strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up from the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to her friend she said "There's no justice in the world". Her friend asked what she meant?
She replied:"When I was 20. I was curious about it,
 when I was 30, I enjoyed it!
 when I was 40, I asked for it,
 when I was 50, I paid for it,
 when I was 60, I prayed for it,
 when I was 70, I forgot about it,
 now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm to old to squat! "

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the almost beautiful girl in town. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman."
After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women alot. Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was brokenhearted. After eight months he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hah," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!"
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!"
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to histable.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him... Is he still wrong?
A Knackers Wedding Story
Breif History; In Ireland..A 'Knacker' is considerd a Gypsie. People who travel around in Caravans and decend upon roadsides,vegitate and occasionally share intimancy with other family members..'Know what I mean?'.
Anyway...A Knackers wedding occured, just outside Cavan town in Ireland. To keep the tradition going everyone got Pissed and the Opposite familiies have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other.
The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of a little hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".
The court room goes silent and Timmy (the best man) stand up and say's. "Judge..I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened!.". The Judge agrees and asks Timmy to take the stand.
Timmy begins his explanition by telling the court that it is traditional in a Knackers wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK". Well said Timmy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song and after this the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song..when all of a sudden the Groom Lept over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an umerciful Kick in the Cunt".
The Judge instanly responded..."God.. that must of Hurt!"
Timmy said: "HURT...He broke three of my fingers!."
A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.
Blonde: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Blonde: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me."
The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.
Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Huge Man: "You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, and it implies you called for me."
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him.
The new man rushes back to the receptionist...
New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...."
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
Jay Leno has just married to a frivolous blond that likes to get it on. She finds out too late that Jay is a slowcoach and after some weeks of few conjugal bliss she drags him to the doctor and explains the problem. The doctor talks to Jay and tells him what's expected from his as a married man. But Jay just doesn't seem to understand. In the end the doctor decides to give him a demonstration with the gorgeous blonde. Afterwards and still gasping for breath he says: "This is what I mean and at least ten times a month." Jay yawns and says: "OK, as long as I don't have to come along each time."
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.
Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells,,,,,, "They're going to shore. Let's go gobble them up!" Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "HEY!" she says, "I agreed to the blowjob, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Ed!" she hearkened."The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-stepprocedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known...
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look long."
An eighty year old man visits the doctor and tells him he is about to be married to a 25 year old, wants to start a family, and needs something to make him virile. The doctor gives him a prescription but says he also wants to make a suggestion. 'I think you you should take in a young boarder.' Several months go by and the old man visits the doctor again. 'How are you?' says the doctor. 'I'm fine!' says the patient. 'And how is your wife?' says the doctor. 'She's pregnant!' says the old man. 'Did you take in a young boarder like I suggested?' says the doctor. 'Yes I did!' says the patient. 'And how is the boarder?' says the doctor. 'Oh!' says the patient, 'She's pregnant too!'
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.
As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?"
"Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep around 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha."
"Then, where are you?"
"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!"
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later.Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton"
Two researches at Rutgers University recently announced that they may have found a way to produce an "orgasm pill," a drug that can actually simulate an orgasm.
Personally, I think they're faking it.
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Editor's note: Ouch. Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly ..."
"Peter Peter, something or other...."
A philandering pres named Bill,
Was married to a lawyer named "Hill",
  He played on the side,
  And repeatedly lied,
'Cuz his female intern said "I will"
This one mouse in the zoo has a crush on the giraffe. One night he builds up enough courage to visit the giraffe and things go pretty well. Soon one thing leads to another, and they end up spending a passionate night together.
The next morning the baboon walks past the mouse, and sees the poor little guy exhausted on the floor.
"How did it go with giraffe last night?" he asks
The mouse, barely able to lift his head, replies: "I'll tell you one thing, between the french kissing and the sex, I must have ran about a hundred miles last night!"
Sick and tired of their history professor's lewd jokes and sexual innuendo, a group of girls decided that the next time he uttered an inappropriate remark they would get up and leave in protest. However, overhearing their plan and looking to score some points with the proffessor, a fellow student informed him of their scheme.
The next day, after chatting about current events for a few minutes, the teacher suddenly smiled and, making a clever segue, said, "You know, I hear there's a shortage of whores in Paris."
Exchanging resolute looks, the girls rose as one and started to leave the room. Following them with innocent eyes, the professor said, "Ladies, where are you going? The next plane doesn't leave until tonight."
A Polish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him.
"What is it?" the President yells..
"It's the abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks..
"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
White House Intern Application
Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
* "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at
1. Name: _____________________________________
2. Hometown: _________________________________
3. Sex: F__ Age: ___
4. Measurements: (required for medical purposes) _______
6. How many beers it takes to get you:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
* Quick quiz:
1. You've always considered the White House:
a)a monument to democracy
b)the place where great leaders meet
c)vaguely erotic
d)extremely erotic
2. Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a)model wife and mother
b)icon of late 20th century femininity
c)an obstacle
d)inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
3. You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a)Israeli policies
b)childhood in Hope, Ark.
c)romper room
d)"monument to democracy"
4. My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a)hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b)reading, study
c)late nights working at the White House
d)late nights working the White House
1 point for each a,
2 for each b,
3 for each c,
4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow.
Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Scores of 10 and below, you are not qualified, sorry.
Uncle Sam wants you.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives' tails...
Q: How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler has shaved legs.
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.
Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on TV?
A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
Q: Do you know why it's called sex?
A: No one can spell "Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!"
Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something.
Q: What is 69 squared?
A: Dinner for 4.
Q: What is 68?
A: You do me and I owe you one.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A tea bag.
Q: If you go to bed 8 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 7 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!
Now that the President of the United States has been fitted with a hearing aid, he has already stepped into deep @#$%.
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the playoffs. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, and suddently Bill Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field.
The stunned umpire shouts, "No Mr. President!!! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available..
Lady - "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..."
Man - "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"
Lady- "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses..."
Man- "It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do a thing over and over again... until you're perfect at it !!"
A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests. The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room. Inside, he found an eldery man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.
"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."
"Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep."
A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an emu, the other a cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking.
A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his head away and ignored the bartender, so the man reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the bartender.
After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink. This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued drinking.
This continued all night, each time it came to the cat, the cat continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required. Finally, with the man in tears, crying harder each time it was the cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked the man what the situation was - he'd been in the bar all night drinking with an emu and a cat, and each time it was the cat's turn, it turned away, yet the emu paid up with no problems.
"Well", says the man "I found this lamp washed up on the beach, as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I thought long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
Tonight was another terrible night, with a ghastly nightmare. I'll never sleep again, at least not without having drunk so much that I am shure not to be able to dream anything making sense. That's because I dreamt that my wife was chasing me, with a bloodthirsty dragon on a leash she hunted me. Gleaming yellow eyes stared at me. Three rows of razor sharp aslant teeth, ready to tear me into pieces. The heavy pace of the short legs boomed in my ears. The bulky body slowly approached, blocking all exits. Ugly scaly skin, a bristly patch of short hair on the small skull. Malicious eyes staring at me, the slime of greed dripping out of the inflamed nostrils, octopus arms trying to catch me, I already feel the hot stinking breath in my neck... Now please spare me to describe that dragon on the leash, too.
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
A guy is sitting at the bar drinking to drown his sorrows. A beautiful woman sits down next to him, orders a double, and sighs deeply. He turns to her and asks her, "So what's wrong in your life?"
She hardly glances at him and says, "My husband left me today."
He says, "What a coincidence. My wife left me today."
They keep drinking for a few minutes and then he asks her, "So why did he leave you?"
She looks at him and says, "He said he couldn't stand living with me anymore."
He says, "What a coincidence! My wife said she couldn't stand living with me anymore, too."
They drink some more and then he asks her, "So what couldn't he stand about living with you?"
She smiles at him a little and says, "Well, I like really kinky sex and he didn't, so he left."
The guy shakes his head in disbelief and says, "This is incredible! *I* like really kinky sex and that's why my wife left."
They drink some more, exchanging sidelong glances, and he finally says, "Well, seeing as we're both alone now, and seeing as we both have similar interests..."
"Yes," she quickly says, "my apartment is right around the corner."
So they head over to her apartment. Once inside, she says, "I'm going to slip into something a little more comfortable. I'll be right back."
She goes into her bedroom and gets undressed, then puts on a studded leather collar, black lace split-crotch panties, a leather bustier, fishnet stockings and spike heels, the whole setup.
She comes out of the bedroom to find the guy heading out the door. "Why are you leaving?" she asks him, "You just got here. I thought we were going to have some kinky sex."
He looks at her and shrugs, "Hey, I fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. He comes running up to his mom and says.."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobs a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says "the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says.."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
Mom says.."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says.."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill.
He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over...
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches?" the surprised doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said nervously, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you? "
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy.
"You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips mean You're above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm just me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
"Very sporting of your mother," the Englishman replied.
A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house.
He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was.
The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now."
"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already!"
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you everytime!"
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
There was this man with a beautiful wife and all he wanted to do was make his wife happy. One day the wife tells her husband, "I want a ranch. And on my ranch I want roosters, hens and donkeys."
Being the loving, devoted husband, he bought her a farm. Next he needed to buy her the animals. So, a week later, he went to town and met with a fellow rancher and he told the rancher, "My wife wants a rooster." The rancher says, "I have roosters but around here we call them cocks."
Then the husband says, "My wife wants a hen." The rancher then replies, "I have hens but around here we call them pullets."
Once again the husband says, "My wife wants a donkey." The rancher then states, "Well I only have one donkey and around here we call them asses. The problem with this ass is when he sees a pretty woman he sits down, so you have to scratch him under his chin to get him going again."
The husband thought for a moment and said, "Fine. I will take him."
On his way home he sees one of the most beautiful women he has ever seen. The donkey sees her too, so the donkey sits down. So politely the man asks the woman, "Excuse me, but could you hold my cock and pullet so I can scratch my ass?"
While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage. The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After nearly two days of looking no-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the White House. The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young." A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old." Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!"
A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at down they tear off a piece and when he returns home at evening they have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day: the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do. "Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?" "Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go back home." "So what's the problem?" "Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the huntin' season got started..."
Buckwheat Joke
The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and who could spell it. Alfalfa raises his hand and he says d-i-k-t-a-t-e-. Teacher says sorry that's wrong and calls on Buckwheat. Buckwheat says d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e. Sorry says the teracher, that's not right. She calls on Darla and Darla says d-i-c-t-a-t-e. Very good Darla,says the teacher, that's correct. Now, says the teacher, who can use this word in a sentence? Buckwheat raises his hand I know-Iknow, he says. OK says the teacher, please use the word Buckwheat. Buckwheat says: How did my dictate last night, Darla?
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
A tomcat told a female cat, "For you, I would die."
The female asked, "How many times?"
Then there was the young female dinosaur who became a "woman."
She had her first century.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
A young teen sent his girlfriend a dozen long stemmed roses. It had the following note on the attached card: "With all my love, and most of my allowance."
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away." The other lady asked, "What did they do for their livings?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, I see: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Wife: you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby: Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife: Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?
A construction company is putting up a skyscraper in downtown New York. It's Hard-hat Joey's first day working on the fifty-third floor. At about 11:30, after a morning of riveting, he starts to feel nature calling. He finds his foreman and asks "Hey boss jew think I can go down and take a piss real quick" "Hey Joey, ya know I can't do dat" his boss replies, "It'll take ya 10 minutes to get down, and another ten to get back up. That's 20 minutes I just can't spare. Ya know we gotta get this job done by next week" "Itell ya what" says the foreman. "I'll stick this here plank out da window, you go out dere and uh do what ya gotta do" Joey inches his way out on to the plank, unzips his pants and starts to piss. Meanwhile the phone rings inside. The foreman, forgetting he was holding the plank for Joey and not wanting to miss the call runs over to answer it. Needless to say Joey falls and dies. The next week there is an inquiry into Joey's death and the foreman gets brought up on charges of murder. The prosecution has one witness that was on the 25th floor. When asked to give his view of what happened, the witness looks around, leans forward and says, "you know what I think? I think it had to do with sex. Maybe they were quarreling lovers" The foreman incensed, stands up and yells "what the hell kinda crap is that?" "Well," says the witness, "when the deceased passed the 25th floor he was holding his dick and screaming where'd that cock sucker go?!'"
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.
The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response...
The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response...
The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!" At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...
The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?"
The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear.
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho-Ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."
Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried.
Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho-Ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."
Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly, "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"
With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho-Ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.
"Santa -- you decided to stay??" she asked.
Santa grinned and said "Hey-Hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:
"Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality... "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if--"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year". The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this".
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah"' said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him", said the guy.
"I caught him in bed with my board" was the reply.
Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment to define and subsequently explain the difference between potential and reality. After getting nowhere on it for 2 hours he finally asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully and then says, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister, Suzie if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what they said."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to follow his father's guidance. He goes downstairs to the kitchen and asks his mother, "Mom, if Robert Redford gave you a million dollars to sleep with him would you?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Yes, I would."
Then he goes back upstairs to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if Brad Pitt gave you a million dollars to sleep with him would you?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his room and tells his father, "Dad, they both said Yes."
The father sits back and says "Now son, potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, what we have is a couple of whores."
My husband told me that so many houses are robbed out during the summer holidays because those people just talk too much about their going away. I agree with him completely. To tell someone you are leaving your house vacant for two weeks is like printing invitation cards for all those burglars.
Just as I told my husband I kept silent about our holiday. With one exception, the neighbour whom I told to water our plants and to pull the roller blinds up and down. And I'm not so stupid to let the newspapers pile in front of our door, so I advised the paper boy not to deliver any newspapers those two weeks. You just have to imagine: the more people know you are leaving the bigger is the chance you get robbed.
Just as I told the woman in the veterinarian's waiting room, where I booked a place for our dog: "You have to make sure your house still has the appearance of beeing occupied while you're not there". She told me that uncut grass is another sign of absence. If she hadn't told me that I wouldn't have searched the blackboard in the supermarket for an advertisement of a boy to mow our lawn.
When I told the postman that we're going away so he should hold back the mail he said: "You can trust nobody with such a secret." He recommended to tell his nephew to get our second car out of the garage from time to time and park it in front of our house. His nephew agreed and said, if he hadn't the time to do it he would ask another of the guys in the gas station.
When I came home, my husband asked me: "And, tell me, how many people have you told of our holiday?" I answered that I have told it to nobody, just as he had recommended, perhaps with the exception of the lady in the travel agency when I fetched our tickets and of course at the dry cleaners, when the woman there wondered about the amount of clothes I had to wash.
Perhaps I told it to the shop assistent where I bought my new bag, otherwise I remained silent. Surely I had to tell it the people in the beauty parlour where I go regularly. I can't leave them just like that. That would be silly. We're all grown up. And I gave the door key to the heating engineer who had to clean our heating systen. But that one never talks much.
My husband took a deep breath and silently asked me: "Now just count it up, how many people have you told that we're going on holiday?"
"Oh, about twentyfive to thirty, apart from the nice lady in the bank where I fetched our traveller's cheques, the women at the fitness club and the tennis club," I replied, "but I never told them where we're going!"
A young couple were on their honeymoon in New England and decided to stop at a historic graveyard to look around. After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and went at it on a tomb.
The next day, the wife had a backache from her adventures and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her. "How old are you my dear" the doctor asked.
"I am 22 replied the wife, why?" The doctor replied, "Because on your ass it says that you died in 1755."

Marijuana Linked to Sitting Around and Getting High

The National Institute of Health released the results of a controversial new study today, one that links the drug marijuana to sitting around and getting high. The study, a comprehensive five-year survey of drug use among Americans, also suggests a possible connection between marijuana and getting baked off your ass.
"We have found that where there's marijuana," explained Institute spokesperson Roger Krell, "there's also a good chance of finding stoners on a couch passing around a bong." Krell added that in such situations, "There is also a strong likelihood of finding incense, a TV, and some chips, usually Ruffles."
Krell would neither confirm nor deny the alleged link between marijuana and Pink Floyd's The Wall. He would confirm, however, that the album rules. "There is some seriously fucked-up shit on that album," he said. "Especially side two."
Not everyone agrees with the survey's findings. "Getting high is the least of marijuana's uses," said Matt Henner, President of Hemp For Victory. "The ancient Egyptians used hemp to build the pyramids. In the 1930s, the WPA used it to construct bridges and dams. Today it is used for medicine and as a non-polluting alternative to gasoline." Henner then admitted he was "seriously wasted, dude."
According to experts, drug use among 15-24 year olds is cool. "That's really the cool age to do drugs," said U.S. Drug Czar Bertrand Seaver. "When you're young, that's the thing to do. In fact, studies show that teenagers who smoke pot are far more likely to be accepted by the in kids."
While there is virtually unanimous agreement that drug use among young people is cool, most experts say older people who still do drugs are losers. "A young person who does drugs is healthy and normal," said Harvard sociologist Beth Henterpen. "But if a guy's like 45, and he's still getting high, it's pretty bogus."
Marijuana, known by users as "pot," may also enhance sexual sensations, enabling some users to achieve transcendental states of erotic bliss. The study found that this link, however, was severely limited in many subjects because they had limited exposure to members of the opposite sex. But should they encounter the rare subgroup "stoner chicks," Krell added, "it would be totally awesome."
So far, the study has met with formal protest from the Alabama-based Center for the Christian Family, which claimed the findings to be terribly inaccurate, noting that no mention was made of marijuana's known tendency to "make users think they can fly and jump out of buildings, like on that one episode of Quincy, as well as its tendency to induce demonic possession, homicidal rampages, and homosexuality."
This is a true story. While visiting a local junk yard, looking for a part, the owner related this event to me.
A well endowed, scantly dressed young woman came in to the yard one day, looking for a part for her car. A younger, country raised, not to worldly, employe went to help her.
While she was looking over his car parts, he was looking over hers. His eyes were open with wonderment, examining all her pierced body parts. When her eyes returned to his, she found him staring, open mouthed, at her bare midriff, and a large gold ring piercing her navel.
She calmly said, "That's where I hang my air freshener."
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
There was this couple about to be married. The groom had never been with a woman before and was a bit nervous about their wedding night. He went to his best man, and asked for advice.
"I'm afraid I wont know what to do!" he revealed. "Look, tell me where you are going to spend the honeymoon, and I'll be in the next room. If you get stuck, and need help or advice, I'll be right there for you."
So, after the wedding, the groom and bride left for the honeymoon hotel. The best man rented the room next to theirs.
The bride was laying on the bed, in all her glory, ready for the event. The groom excused himself to use the bathroom and freshen up. While in there the bride's stomach got all in knots, and started to cramp up. She needed to take a dump, and did'nt want to disturb her new husband. She looked around, and found a shoe box. She ever so carefully squatted and relieved herself, thinking that she could just dispose of the box as soon as was possible.
A few minutes later, the groom exited the bathroom, and walked towards the bed. Ready to consumate their marriage. In the few steps that he had to take from the bathroom to the bed, he stepped right into that box with the little "present".
Angered at what had just happened, the groom yelled out, "Damn! There's shit in this box!"
Just then, there was a knock on the wall, and a voice yelling, "Turn her over! Turn her over!"
A old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!"
I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.
Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat.
"My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle. "There's no sense in separating us now."
During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's Grandfather slipped her a $500 bill which she concealed in her glove, since he told her to keep it for "mad money".
By tradition, the couple spent their first night together in the historic house. The bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs later that night, and asked where she was going.
"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that thing with your bare hands just as I did your Grandfather's."
Something short and sweet for a start of the week. Hope it won't be another dready week.
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Q. What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
A. The balls are just there for decoration.
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless.
A man & wife having finished foreplay when she asks the dreaded question. "Darling would you use a condom?"
Reluctantly he leaves the bed, goes to the dresser and fetches one, is putting it on when he sees the bedroom door open & his seven year old boy is saying goodnight to his mother. (Late trip to the bathroom)
Mom has pulled the covers over her head and pretends to be sleeping. Dad with nowhere to hide falls to the floor on all fours and tries to coverup as best as he can.
The boy looks at Dad and asks, "Goodnight Dad... Uhh what are you doing?"
Dad says, "Ohh... ahhh... Just looking for a mouse."
The child says, "Oh Cool!! When you catch him, what are you going to do, Fuck him?"
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas.At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however,as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO,THREE...HUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"
President Boris Yeltsin called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.
When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"
In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female {FRESHMAN} raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add Statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session,she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
"Wow, how did you guess?" asks the male doctor.
"I didn't feel a thing."
This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday Afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off. A fine specimen,this bull reproduced 60 times last year. The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments:"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold:Another fine specimen.this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.Again the wife bugs her husband."Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison...
The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year! The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "Thats once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!"
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John,came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time!"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, "Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me."
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's 'business end'. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife.
Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour. The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!"
Little Johnny was 8 years old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc). After a few days of recovery the boy went back to school.
After about an hour the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse. He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was. She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him.
The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes Little Johnny came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants. She said "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that"
He replied "Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then"
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright, shoot his penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Alright, burn his penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year."
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family."
The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.
"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing."
Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say, "What?"
This guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.
Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here, shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
A woman had been dating a doctor for a short while when she became pregnant. The couple didn't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest went into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor told the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asked the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he said.
So the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation he went in to the priest and said, "Father, you're not going to believe this!"
"What?" asked the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" cried the priest.
"I just did the operation," insisted the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and one day the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son,
I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son said, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replied, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc".
"Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and the again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc.
"No, hang on", said the young man," see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
" I see", said the quack.
"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
" I see", said the quack.
"No no no", said the randy old bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.
"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have e or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".
"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc.
"Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I wank".
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is better than sex
  1. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
  2. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
  3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
  4. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
  5. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
  6. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
  7. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
  8. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
  9. Less guilt the next morning.
  10. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door

After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the Doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!," the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
There are these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they found an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven-pound baby boy. They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying the row upon row of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle.
"Gee," said one of them to the nurse, "he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?"
"Oh, he's quiet now," said the nurse, "but he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass."
Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all his crime.
When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and talk to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful. "
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, Lord will forgive you. "
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happen between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realise the mistake. "
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except one of her colleague, I slept with her too. "
"That's not very good of you. "
"Father, before last month, I went to her uncle house to look for her, nobody was around except her auntie, and I slept with her too. "
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realise that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.. and he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly, I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago-or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "Forty years go that fence wasn't electrified!"
A Singapore Ah Beng Joke
Long time ago in the western part of Malaysia, a rich tycoon wanted to know how happy a man can be if you can give him one wish . After many advises from his "Kay-Po" friends, he decided to select 3 people to test out his experiment.
The rules are :
  1. The person can only have 1 wish.
  2. The person will be put on a deserted island for 30 years.
  3. They have to come back after the experiment to tell the world about their experiences.
  4. Food (not liquor) will be provided.
After shortlisting 3 person from a possible pool of 3,000,000 ; they were given a press conference to say what they want to bring along to the island for 30 years.
Contestant #1 : Billy Klinton (USA)
"I want to have the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefold girls so that I can make the most beautiful babies in the world!"
Contestant #2 : Jon Mayjor (UK)
"I want to have 30 years supplies of Booze!"
Contestant #3 : Ah Beng (SGP)
"I want Saa-Lim (Salim in English) Cigarettes. 30 years supplies so I can smoke until I song!"
30 long years later, the 3 heros came back from their long adventure.
The world is eager to hear what the 3 men have to say ...
  1. Billy was at the press conference with close to 200 children and 30 estranged women. His first remark to the press : "It has been a long sexual experience for me and I am just wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the Mother for Free".
  2. Jon was still suffering from the hangovers of the booze he had the night before BUT managed to muster enough effort to shout "God save the BEER. The Queen can drink the seawater".
  3. Surprisingly, Ah Beng brought back all his cigarettes and on first sight of the people, his first remarks were "$%^*#?x!! (Very vulgar Hokkien Words) Buay Kee Tua lighter leh !! (I Forget my lighter!)"

A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.
"I can't figure it out Doc, my testicles are turning blue."
The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed ?"
"Yes." she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using ?" the doctor then asked.
"Grape." she said.
The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.
Then her husband spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"
"Of course, dear; every single detail!"
"Good. Henceforth that's how I want my breakfast served every morning."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy some condoms. He tells the pharmacist that he wants the biggest pack of them. The pharmacist says "Must be a big night for you." The young man replies "First time I am going out with this girl but I hear she fucks like a mink."
That evening the young man goes over to the new date's place to have dinner and meet her parents. She introduces him to her parents then turns around to notice the young man on his knees praying. "I never knew that you were so religious." she said. He replied " And I never knew your father was a pharmacist"
Billy-Bob and Joey-Joe, two hillbillies are in town to do some shopping. They go to a restaurant for a bite to eat and as they are sitting there wolfing down their food, a woman at the table next to them starts to choke on a fish bone. Immediately Billy-Bob hops up and drops his pants and underpants and Joey-Joe jumps behind and starts running his tongue up and down the cleft of Billy-Bob's arse. The choking woman seeing this happening right in front of her is revolted and throws up fishbone and all onto the restaurant floor. Billy-Bob, pulling back up his trousers, says to Joey-Joe: "Wow, that hind lick maneuver works every time".
A pretty young woman was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand.
He immediately draw back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible wisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yeah, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"
One day, Justin dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Justin: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Justin: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Coke... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Justin: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Justin: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Justin: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Justin: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Justin: Gosh I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Justin: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Justin: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Justin: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh. You're gonna hate Fridays...
Sally and Eric were in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage. Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed--I've had sex with one other man before I met you. "
Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"
"Tiger Woods."
Sally and Eric jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd get dressed and get some coffee.
"Sally says, "Tiger wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Tiger have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
"All right!" says Eric, "let's go."
They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."
Sally says, "Tiger wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Tiger have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I'm gonna get dressed and have some coffee."
Sally says, "Tiger wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Tiger have done N-O-W?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone. "Who are you calling?" Sally asks.
"Tiger Woods. I want to find out exactly what par IS on this goddamn hole!"
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.
They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got strength but no length." Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"
I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."
A couple of women, Janice and Sherrill, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Sherill, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
Sherrill rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.
"Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied.
"But my thumb still hurts like hell!!!
Man and his date are driving out of town and into the country, they get to secluded lane and park. Things start hotting up when the woman stops him and says: "I have to confess I'm really a prostitute and it'll cost you $20.....".
By now the man is really hot so he hands over the cash and they carry on their business. After they have finished, he lights a cigarette and just sits there.
The woman looks at him and says:" What's the matter, why aren't we moving?".
To which the man says: "I have to confess I'm really a cabbie and it'll cost you $25 to get back into town...".
A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.
"Yeah right, you've got to be shitting me!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the sales guy says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars for the system," the sales guy says. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Yes," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars," the salesman says. "I'll take that too!" the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
Some thoughts on marriage:
Dear Sir,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having got seven children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with a clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy...but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours Sincerely,
Bubba Brickhead
This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
Wally loved Wendy, so he decided to prove it by having her name tattooed on his penis for her birthday. After dinner, he showed it to her in all its glory; "WENDY", tattooed along the length of it.
Wendy thought it was beaut. Even when it was detumescent and all you could see was "WY".
Later on, Wally was in a public loo when he noticed that the bloke peeing beside him also had "WY" tattooed on his dick. Wally was at once suspicious and curious. "Is your girlfriend's name Wendy?"
"No," said the other bloke, "I've never had a sheila called Wendy. Why?"
"Well, it's your tattoo," said Wally as he rather shyly revealed his own.
"Great," said the bloke. "Very impressive."
"You can only see 'WY'," said Wally, "but when I get an erection it says 'WENDY'. What does yours say?"
"Well, it's a bit of a mouthful. It says 'WELCOME TO WOOLLOOMOOLOO AND HAVE A NICE DAY'."
Men often find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now. E-mail. That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers. The text of the letter follows.
The verbiage can be altered to fit both men and women....
- Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified canditates such as yourself also failed tomake the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply) Sincerely,
Your Name (Optional)
The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. "Do you like to screw?" he asked.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised date.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. You and her should go screw," explained the father.
Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!"
Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed,
"Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"
One day a little boy came home from school to find his parents were arguing fiercely. Not realizing the child was present, they were throwing profanities at each other. Mom said "Get out you bastard." Dad said "Shut up you Bitch!" The son looked at his parents and said, "what do Bitch and Bastard mean". Surprised to see their son, Dad said, "Bitch and Bastard is just another name for Ladies and Gentlemen." Satisfied with his answer, the little boy went happily to his room.
A few weeks later, he awoke in the middle of the night to hear a racket coming from his parents bedroom. He went to investigate. Mom said "Oh suck my tits!" Dad said "Oh lick my Balls!" The little boy said "What does tits and balls mean?" Surprised to see their son standing in the doorway, Mom said " Tits and Balls is just another name for hats and coats." Satisfied with the answer, the little boy went back to bed.
The next day, the little boy was in the kitchen while his mother was cutting up a turkey for dinner. She accidentally cut her thumb with the knife, and forgetting that the boy was there, she screamed "FUCK!" The little boy asked " Mom what does FUCK mean?" Not wanting to be a bad mother she said "It's just another word for cutting turkey." Satisfied with the answer, the little boy went to find his father. His father was in the bathroom shaving and suddenly cut his face with the razor. Not realizing that his son was watching him, he said "SHIT!" The little boy said "Dad what does SHIT! mean?" Dad, realizing the boy was there, said "It's just another word for shaving cream." The boy, satisfied with the answer, left to go watch T.V.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. The family's dinner guests had arrived. Knowing that his parents were busy, the little boy answered the door. He also wanted to show the company what a smart little boy he was. When he opened the door he exclaimed, " Come in BITCHES AND BASTARDS, hang upyour TITS AND BALLS, Dad's in the bathroom shaving the SHIT off his face and Mom's in the kitchen FUCKING the turkey."
Three women were at the world feminist conference. One was a Pom, one was from the US and one was an Aussie. The English chick got on stage to speak to the crowd. She said "after last years conference I went home and told my husband that I was never going to cook for him ever again". There were gasps in the crowd. She continued -"For the first day I didnt see anything, for the second day I didnt see anything, but on the third day I came home and there was a lovely dinner on the table." The crowd erupted into applause and she recieved a standing ovation.
The American chick got up and said "after last years conference I went home and told my husband that I was never going to clean for him again" The crowd gasped again. She continued, "For the first day I didnt see anything, for the second day I didnt see anything, but on the third day I came home and the house was spotless". The crowd erupted into applause and she recieved a standing ovation.
The Aussie chick then got up on stage and said "after last years conference I went home and told my husband that I was never going to do the shopping for him ever again" There were gasps in the crowd. She continued -"For the first day I didnt see anything, for the second day I didnt see anything, but on the third day the swelling went down in my eye and I could see a little bit!
A guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V.
The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city. He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune. He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door. The guy opened it to find the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walked into the room. The guy went to the bar and fixed two drinks; he gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself.
"Now, down to business," he began, "how much for a hand job?"
The hooker said, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What, that's outrageous!" he said.
"Come over here," she said walking towards one of the windows, "see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good. "
"All right, screw it, money is no object," our lonely friend replied. A half hour after she's done, the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and made two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"
She replied, "Honey, a blow job is $5,000."
"What, that's outrageous!" he exclaimed.
"Come over here," she said walking towards another one of the windows, "see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good."
"Oh, all right, screw it, money is no object," he said, giving her $5 grand. An hour after she's done, the guy was laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He got up, barely able to stand, staggered over to the bar, mixed two more drinks, gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself.
"My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker looked at him and replied, "Honey, if I had a pussy, I would OWN this whole city!"
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. "And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly , but Fr.John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the "statue". Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he said to the 'statue'. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says "Oh, shit! It's so late, my wife is going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams, "You &%@&%!* liar! You went bowling again!!!"
Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
The train is leaving the station. A man yells through an open window to another man, still standing on the platform: "Thank you for a wonderful weekend. And tell your wife she's better in bed than anyone else".
Another passenger then says:' Excuse me, how can you tell someone that his wife is better in bed than any other woman?"
"Well, it isn't true, but Jones is a nice man, I just wanted to be polite."
A fish is swimming in a pond and spots a fly caught in a spider's web. The fish thinks to himself, "If that fly drops six inches I could jump up and grab it and have me some lunch."
What the fish doesn't know is there's a bear in the bushes at the water's edge thinking to himself, "I that fly drops six inches, that fish is gonna jump out of the water and I can grab him and have me some lunch."
What the bear doesn't know is that there's a hunter behind a tree munchin on a sandwhich thinking to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, that fish is gonna jump out of the water and the bear's gonna go for the fish which will give me a clean shot to shoot that bear."
Now, watching the hunter is a mouse thinking to himself, "If that fish drops six inches, the fish will jump up, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter's gonna drop that sandwhich to shoot the bear and I can get some lunch."
What the mouse doens't know is there's a cat thinking to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump up, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter's gonna drop that sandwhich, the mouse will go for the sandwhich and I'm gonna pounce on that mouse and have me some lunch."
As nature would have it, the fly drops six inches, the fish catches the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter drops his sandwhich so he can shoot the bear, the mouse grabs that sandwhich, and the cat now in a freanzy rushes the mouse, over shoots his target and lands *SPLASH* in the pond.
The moral of the story is:
This woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the problem she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes my nipples get hard."
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath then asked, "Your nipples get hard?"
"Yes," quite innocently came her reply.
"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc.
So she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell contagious!"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Two fellows were talking in a bar when the first fellow says "Hey, what you just said was a Freudian slip!"
The second fellow said "What? I don't know what you mean."
The first fellow said "You know, when you say what you are thinking instead of what you wanted to."
The second fellow says "I still don't know what you mean.."
So the first fellow says "You know, like when you are standing at an airline ticket counter being helped by a beautiful buxom blonde and you say 'I'd like two pickets to Titsburg.'"
The second fellow says "Oh! Now I understand! That happens to me all the time. As a matter of fact, it happened to me yesterday when my wife and I were at the breakfast table and I meant to say 'Please pass the milk' but what actually came out was...
'You lousy bitch, you've ruined my life!'"
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman, go out to dinner one night with there wives. There all sitting around the table chatting and laughing when Paddy Englishman drops his fork, so he bends down to pick up his fork when he looks up his wife's skirt and sees that she's wearing no knickers, he gets up and whispers too her in an angry tone, "what are you trying to do? You're wearing no knickers for god's sake!!!", and she replies "well you never give me any money so I can buy some", so Paddy Englishman pulls out a tenner and gives it to her saying "Well buy yourself some knickers for god sake!!"
So they carry on with there dinner, when Paddy Scotsman drops his fork, and again bends over to pick it up and looks up his wife's skirt and see's she is also wearing no knickers, Paddy Scotsman gets up and says to her "For god sake women.. what are you trying to do??? You're wearing no knickers!!!", and again the reply is "well you never give me any money to buy some", so Paddy Scotsman digs into his pocket and pulls out a tenner and gives it to her, "Well buy some knickers for god sake"..
And again they proceed with dinner, when Paddy Irishman drops his fork, and he bends over to pick it up and looks up his wife's skirt and see's she is wearing no knickers.. Paddy jumps up in a fit of rage.. and shouts "FOR GOD SAKE WOMEN, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO??? YOU'RE WEARING NO KNICKERS!!!!", his wife replies "Well you never gimme any money to buy some"... Paddy digs into his pocket and pulls out a Comb and says "Well! Tidy yourself up for fuck's sake".
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!"
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and tells the chief, "this is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "this is a rock." At which the chief looks and grunts, "rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people?
The chief replied, "my bike."
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words:
"Honey, before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about." The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift." "She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast you didn't like in the refrigerator. She had only some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes you had discarded simply because they were out of style." "She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered... "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?"
The husband replied, "Well, that's simple...see, as she was about to leave the house she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore??"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini. Thirty seconds later a lady walks in and ordered a triple martini. The bartender says "Wow! Two back-to-back triple martini's!! Are you celebrating anything??" She says "Yes, for ten years, I've been trying to get pregnant and this morning I left the doctors office and he said I was pregnant!"
The bartender looks at the guy and says "Are you celebrating anything?" And the guy says "Yes. I breed peacocks. And for ten years, I've been trying to breed a peacock with blue eyes. I walked out from the birdhouse this morning and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!!"
The bartender says "Congratulations!! How'd ja do it??"
He said "I changed cocks."
She said, "Me, too!!"
Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.
As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.
The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly.
On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone....
And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard........

New Priest In The Parish

A young priest just out of seminary school was assigned to his first parish. Unfortunately it was in a very seedy section of town. As there happened to be a convent just outside of town, the priest thought it would be best if he went there first to get some information on his new parish.
"Sister," he inquired of the Mother Superior, "What can you tell me about my new parish?"
"Well, Father", she replied, "the good Lord has seen fit to challenge you, your strength and your faith. It is a very rough neighborhood. I've been there and it seems to corrupt everyone who goes there."
"Not to worry. If the Lord has given me a challenge, well... I'm up for that challenge! As a matter of fact, I'm going to grab a bus right now and head into town."
"Oh no, Father!" replied Mother Superior. "It will be getting dark soon and..."
"The good Lord will guide me and protect me." said the priest. "I am in good hands."
"Of course, Father." said Mother Superior. "But we do have a car here. If you need help, please call and I will come and get you."
"Fair enough" said the priest. And he strode out the door and hopped the next bus to town. Now everything he had heard about the parish was right. It was an old, run-down neighborhood with drug pushers, pimps and hookers on every corner. As a matter of fact, the priest had hardly set foot off the bus when a hooker called out, "Father! How 'bout a blow job? Only 20! Just like heaven on earth!"
Well this reception startled the priest so, that he had no response. He simply smiled and walked on. But it wasn't long before he was set upon once more. "Hey Father! I can give you a blow job that'll send you to heaven. Only 20."
The priest was not as prepared for the onslaught as he had thought. He shied away and quickly crossed the street to try to regain his composure. There he happened upon a very nice looking young man who said, "Father, would you be out looking for donations for the church?" Thinking he'd finally made some headway into this den of inequity, the priest replied "Wonderful! What type of donation did you have in mind?" "Blow me and I'll give you 20." snickered the young man, and he walked away now roaring with laughter.
Now the priest knew he was in over his head and it was probably best to leave. But his first meeting with is 'flock' was so befuddling that he had lost his way and his bus pass. He new he had to call the Mother Superior to pick him up, which she did.
"I hope you're all right," said Mother Superior as he climbed into her car. "Yes," replied the priest. "But I must give this experience much thought." No more words were exchanged until the pair was inside the safety of the convent, when the Mother Superior said, "Father, is there anything I can help you with?"
"Yes Sister, there is..." he said pensively. "What's a blow job?"
"Why Father!" she replied, " 20, same as in town!"
A man was walking across the road when he met an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he finally regained consciousness.
When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully :
"You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..."
She squeezed his hands as he continued :
"When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..."
He continued :
"Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."
"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me..."
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband :
"And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...There's something I'll really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion.
He said, "I think you bring me bad luck..."
A man's business trip gets cancelled so he is at home instead, with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but at about midnight the phone rings. Before the wife can get it, the man rolls over and answers it....."Hello?"
"What?" "How the hell should I know.... I live in Phoenix." He slams the phone down, and rolls over grumbling. His wife asks, somewhat nervously, "Who was it dear?"
"I don't know," the man replied, "Some idiot.....wanted to know if the coast was clear."
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues.
She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation...
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard!" He screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard! You've been playing off the women's tees all week!!"
An English taxidermist, is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and, in his well educated voice, asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."
One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?"
Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?"
"Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist."
"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist, then?"
"I mount d..d..dead animals."
"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "he's one of us!"
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she pissed!
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!"
The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience.
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him.
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"
A young man and woman have only been married for two days. One night, just as they are getting ready to go to bed, they hear a noise in the backyard, kind of like a vacuum cleaner in reverse. They put on their robes and run outside, there, hovering over the lawn is a flying saucer. It lands, and two tall, beautiful silver aliens get out. Obviously a male and a female, and according to earth standard, quite beautiful.
They explain to the newlyweds that they need to stay overnight to effect repairs to their ship. The young couple agrees, and invite the aliens in for a snack. The aliens agree, but say that it would only be sociable to then invite the newlyweds for a snack. "We will invite you aboard our spacecraft, but you must abide by our customs. You must stay the night, and it is only courteous that we change partners for the night." The newlyweds talk it over and agree.
That night, the wife is with the male alien. He undresses and she stares at his perfect body. Then her gaze crosses his groin, and a look of disappointment comes over her. "Is there something wrong?" asks the alien. "Well, you seem so ... uh... small." "No problem," replies the alien, he twists his ear and his organ grows longer. The woman still seems disappointed. She indicates shewould like the alien to be "wider." He twists the other ear and grows wider.
The next morning over breakfast, the wife tells her husband what a wonderful night she had with the alien, and that she can hardly wait to share some of the techniques with her husband the next night. "Honey, how was your night?" she asks. "Terrible." he said."The female alien was truly beautiful, but all she did was twist my ears all night long."
Two fellows were in hospital beds awaiting plastic surgery. One said to the other "Gee , your face is a mess. What happened ?".
The other bloke replied "Car accident. Anyway you're no oil painting yourself what happened to you ?".
The second patient said "Honeymoon". The first fella said "How did you do that on your honeymoon ?".
The damaged groom said "Well it was the third day of our post nuptials so we decided to leave the suite and check out the resort we were staying at. The new wife is quite a keen golfer so we elected to play 18 holes".
"Did she belt you with the club ?" asked the inquisitive patient.
"No , No " said the husband "Everything was just fine until we arrived at the 16th tee. The wife hit a terrible hook shot over the boundary fence and into this cattle stud next door. Well, she wanted to look for the ball so we both jumped the fence and started looking for it. Anyway after ten minutes searching we still hadn't found it. So I started poking around in the cow pats that were lying everywhere".
"Did you find it then" his mate asked.
"Not immediately , but I noticed one cow was not swishing its tail. So I thought I'd check it out. I lifted the tail of the cow and there was a golf ball jammed right in the crack of the cows bum. It was the same number as the wife was playing. I pointed at the cows bum and yelled to the wife 'This looks like yours darling', and I woke up here in hospital".
For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentuous of all questions.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor ," he began,"but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute property; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows - "
To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.
She replied," I think its a great idea... I would help you choose your pet dog."
Two Pakistani women are at the supermarket. The first one picks up a potato from the vegetable aisle, and says, "This reminds me of my husband's balls."
The second woman replies, with amazement, "Your husbands balls are that big!"
"No, they're that dirty."
Has anyone heard of rodeo sex?
That is where you start making love to your wife in the doggy - style position. Then you tell her that this is the position that your girlfriend prefers. Now you have to try and hold on for six seconds.
A 70 year old bloke decides that he is only mortal after all, and seeing how his wife had passed on a few years before it was only right that he should treat himself to one final roll in the hay.
So he gets dressed up in his finest gear and goes out on the town. He finally ends up in a high class wine bar, where he meets a nice looking nubile young nymph. As the story goes, he wines her and dines her and goes home with her to her place, and proceeds to do the right thing and gets into her pants.
About a week later he notices this discharge from his old fella and quickly attends his local GP. After the examination the doctor asked a few questions. "Do you remember this young lady's name?" "Yes", replied the old bloke. "And do you remember where she lives?" "Yes", replied the old bloke again.
"Well", said the doctor, "It is my professional opinion that you should race back and see her, because I believe that your just about to come".
Thought for the week:
The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. :)
Her Majesty the Queen was being shown round a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant they passed a room where you could see a man masturbating wildy through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.
"Ah." said the Doctor. "Now although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much sperm that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."
"Oh." said her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose I can understand."
A little further on down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open, and through it you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient a blow job.
"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked HM. "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid goings-on!"
"Ah". Said the Doctor. "Same problem, better health plan."
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the house keeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional".
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came for dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying that you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.
"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That's should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.
When they come to the extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Big Dog is showing Little Dog around the block. "Sniff, sniff. Smell that?" asks Big Dog.
"Sniff, sniff. Sure do," says Little Dog, "what is it?"
"Fifi's in heat, come on, I'll show you what to do."
So Big Dog shows Little Dog how to hump Fifi.
"Sniff, sniff. Smell that?" asks Big Dog.
"Sniff, sniff. Sure do, what's that?" asks Little Dog.
"Garbage. Come on, I'll show you what to do."
So Big Dog shows Little Dog how to raid the garbage can. Pretty soon, Big Dog goes over to the fire hydrant and takes a leak on it.
"Wait a minute," says Little Dog, "I understand about Fifi and I understand about the garbage, but what is this hiking on the hydrant thing?"
"Hey," says Big Dog, "if you can't screw it and you can't eat it, piss on it!"
A proper man met a beautiful woman and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his administrative assistant write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his administrative assistant send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all,
I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady!!
I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her to a McDonald's.
To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both in line.
Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting and all though !
And we did make eye contact several times. Well, not eye contact exactly. She sort of caught me staring at her, got that frightened lil' bird look in her eyes, and got up and ran out of the place.
I would have caught up with her too, had she not flagged down that Police car. I fail to see how all this constitutes "stalking" though. I mean, come on, give me a break here.
But anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here, I should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120 days; the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess.
A man walked into a doctor's office with a troubled look on his face. He sat down and said to the doctor, "Doc, I've got a steering wheel on the end of my penis!" The doctor looked at him with a shocked expression and said, "It must be driving ya nuts!"
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card / bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."
Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

The Pretzel Hold

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer fromthe crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!"
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill ye!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.
"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"
"But....." says the driver.
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again" says the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.
"All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness".
A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagon." His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."
Girl goes into a Tattooist to have her muff tattooed.
"Excuse me sir, could you please pu a tattoo on my erm...vagina ?"
"Ooh! I don't know. Its very sensitive down there you know" came the reply
"I don't mind, really I don't" she replies.
"Ok, pull your knickers down and let me have a look"
Shyly, she pulls them down
He gets down and has a look and says, "Yes, yes I think it's possible, but first, I have to numb it, Is that Ok?"
"Yes, thats fine" she replies
"numb, numb, numb, numb, numb............" (Yum, yum, yum, yum)
You know you're an E-mail Junkie when.......
1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. ...And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your cat has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at ""
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. Shesaid, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
The good news is I can cure your headaches. . ." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,"I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . .size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." said the salesman.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . . 34 sleeve and . . . 16 and neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . . size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he's in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes, it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain,sits down, and says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
To which the priest exclaims, "Don't you start that shit in here."
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth." "Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived.
When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first.
Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch.
You go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough
to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol. You party.
You get ready for high school. You go to grade school.
You become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby. You go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating
.... you finish off as an orgasm.
A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 years old son waiting for him at the door.
"Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man.
"Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"
"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.
"If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."
"Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please?"
The father was furious. "If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't have time for such childish games."
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning.
How dare he ask such questions only to get some money. After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often.
The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you asleep son?" he asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man. "It's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for."
The little boy sat straight up, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.
The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.
"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied. "Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "This shows the town your bride is pure."
Thoughtful, the lad goes to his father and asks. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at the son in surprise -- "All domestic appliances are white!"
10. Cats' facial expressions
09. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
08. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
07. Fat clothes
06. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
05. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
04. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
03. Eyelash curlers
02. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
George looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she sunbathed topless.
The next day, George corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday." Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told George he planned revenge.
That very evening, Fred noticed that George's bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices George's wife in the act of performing oral sex.
The very next day Fred calls out to George, "Hey, George, I saw your wife giving you a blow-job last night."
George replies, "Hahaha. Liar! I wasn't home last night."
A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to get in.
"Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled man.
"Shertainly," said the drunk, "an' if you'll jesh open the door f'me, I'll prove it to you."
"You shee that piano?" the drunk began. "Thash mine. You shee that TV? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me."
The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.
"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee that bed? Thash my bed. Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. And shee that guy lying next to her?"
"Yeah," said the cop suspiciously.
"Thash me!"
Irv Cohen was tired of the rat race of New York City. He decided to move to the peace and quiet of the country. He bought a small farm and moved away from the big city. Not knowing what to do with the farm, he talked to his neighbors. They suggested going to the local auction and buying some live stock. Irv did just that. In fact, he got a good deal on a dozen pigs at the auction. When he got them home he realized they were all females so he talked to his neighbor to see if he could bring his girls pigs over to meet with his boy pigs so this man could get some babies. The neighbor agreed and so Irv, the new farmer, loaded the girl pigs in his truck to visit the neighbors pigs.
That night he went back to pick them up and he asked his neighbor "How will I know if they are going to have little pigs?" The neighbor said that they would start acting real different and that he could just tell. So next morning he went and checked his pigs and they were just acting normal so he took them back to the neighbors again. Next morning same thing no change so he took them back.
Next morning he was sitting at the table and he said to his wife "Honey, look out the window and see if the pigs are acting different." She looked out the window and said "well I don't know how different you mean but 11 of them are in the back of the truck and one is in the front honking the horn!!!!!"
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"
I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.
Now I ride on escalators all the time.
Three Inches too much
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my Dick. Just send the wine back."

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

Take notes, all you Casanovas...

  1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
  2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
  3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
  4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
  5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
  6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
  7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
  8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
  9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
  10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
  11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
  12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
  13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
  14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
  15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
  16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
  17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.
  18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
  19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
  20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
  21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
  22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
  23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
  24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
  25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
  26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
  27. TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
  28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
  29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
  30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
  31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
  32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
  33. ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
  34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
  35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
  36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
  37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
  38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
  39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
  40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.