Jokes about and with politics
A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving. " He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars. So he rolls down his window and asks,"Excuse me, Officer,what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies,"The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to the Congress and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How Much have you collected so far?"
"I've got a lot of folks still siphoning, but right now I have about three hundred gallons"
Let's Imagine . . . .
It's time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on three leading candidates.
+ Associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists.
+ He's had two mistresses.
+ He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
+ Was kicked out of office twice.
+ Sleeps until noon.
+ Used opium in college.
+ Drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
+ Is a decorated war hero.
+ He's a vegetarian
+ Doesn't smoke,
+ Drinks an occasional beer
+ Hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is your choice?
You don't really need any more information, do you?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT
December 17, 1998
'Twas The Night Before Impeachment, When all through the House,
All Congress was stirring, Even Conyers, the louse.
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.
The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.
When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.
With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!"
"From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!"
And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
They scratched their heads and were turning around
When resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.
No longer would he eat from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.
His eyes, how they twinkled!
His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses,
His nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.
The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.
And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.
He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe Mon had called him "The Jerk."
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose.
He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
"Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night."
In the weeks before Christmas the British ambassador in Canada received a phone call from the CBC (CBC Canadian Broadcasting Company, a Canadian TV station). The CBC representative on the other end of the line thanked the ambassador for his prompt arrival at interviews etc, and for a generally good year. The ambassador returned the thanks. The CBC representative then asked the ambassador what he wanted for Christmas.
Thinking that it might be inappropriate for him to accept a gift, the ambassador said that he didn't think that it was a very good idea. However, The CBC representative insisted, and in the end the ambassador said that he wanted a small box of crystallised fruits.
The CBC rep seemed a little puzzled at this answer, but they ended the conversation and the ambassador thought nothing more of it.
Later that month, on Boxing Day, the ambassador was sitting watching the news on TV with his family when he was treated to this item at the end:
"Before Christmas, we asked three foreign ambassadors what they wanted for Christmas. The French ambassador said that he wanted world peace and an end to suffering, the German ambassador said that he wanted a cure for cancer, and the British ambassador said that he wanted a small box of crystallised fruits...."
This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the "The Sound of Music"
The Bill Clinton version:
My Favorite Things
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk and requiring knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad
COUNTDOWN TO 2000
by Joe Lavin
To: The American People
From: The US Government
We here at the US Government realize that many are nervous about the Year 2000 Problem, and we would like to take this opportunity to inform you that there is no need to panic. Your friends here at the US Government have everything under control, and we fully expect that all our equipment will be completely Year 2000 compliant well within the next 18 years -- er, months. While there is still much work to be done, we would like to take a moment to recognize our accomplishments and update you on our progress so far.
Al Gore: We are happy to report that the circuitry used in the Vice President is now almost entirely Year 2000 compliant. Contrary to some reports, the Vice President will not spontaneously combust on January 1, 2000. There is a small possibility that he will lose full mobility, but as the Vice President has never previously operated at full mobility this should not be an issue.
Social Security: Our Social Security system, unfortunately, is not Year 2000 compliant. A task force was formed to look into this problem, and their report recommends that since the whole program is scheduled to collapse in a few years anyway our resources would be better focused elsewhere. We are sure you understand.
IRS Pit Bulls: All IRS pit bulls are now fully compliant. You should be relieved to know that IRS pit bulls will still be able to tear out the innards of all tax evaders in the year 2000. Because of problems with our programming code, there is the possibility that some citizens will be mistakenly labeled as tax evaders, but luckily the pit bulls will still be operational. Also, we are happy to report that the rack is fully Year 2000 compliant.
In other IRS news, our brand new tax collection system will be ready to begin operation well before 2000. This should mean no disruption in the collection of taxes. However, our new tax refund system is currently behind schedule, and we may be forced to continue using our current system (a non-compliant Pentium 386 that we keep in the IRS basement) past January 1, 2000. This may cause some delays in tax refunds, but luckily your refund should be delayed no more than six years.
Pentagon Toilet Seats: Unfortunately, the recently purchased Pentagon toilet seats are not fully Year 2000 compliant. Vinnie, our sales representative at Vinnie's Discount Toilet Seats Inc., confirmed that all toilet seats do need to be replaced. "Er, yeah, I'm afraid you'll have to replace all those because of that, er, whole computer thing. Right, the computer problem. That's it." Vinnie told us. Estimated cost of conversion: $17.6 trillion.
The Bridge to the 21st Century: We regret to inform you that the Bridge to the 21st Century is not Year 2000 compliant. We suggest you find another route.
Computer Systems: We are happy to report that we have made excellent progress towards our goal of making all government computer systems Year 2000 compliant. In fact, our second quarter 1998 project -- updating all mouse pads -- was completed a full month ahead of schedule. We have decided to take a few weeks off to celebrate this success, but soon we will be tackling our next project -- correcting the code for all copies of solitaire and minesweeper. Also, George from the FBI reports that all government computers will still be able to access porn in the year 2000.
Nuclear Warheads: We are happy to report that most of our nuclear warheads are Year 2000 compliant, and practically none will detonate at the turn of the century. We think.
The Clinton Legal Defense Fund: Luckily, the Clinton Legal Defense Fund has always been Year 2000 compliant. Even if no computers are operational, the Clinton Legal Defense Fund will still be accepting donations. To ensure a speedy delivery, carefully place your donation in a paper bag outside the White House. Please unmarked bills only!
The National Debt: Unfortunately, the computers used to determine the national debt are not Year 2000 compliant. It has come to our attention that these computers will crash and cause the entire world economy to grind to a complete halt on January 1, 2000. Our best recommendation is for everyone owed money by the United States to immediately cancel the debt in the interest of world stability.
We have set up a special toll free number for this purpose. Those entities wishing to cancel our debt should please call 1-888-NO-DEBT. Operators are standing by, and as luck would have it the computers for the No Debt Project are fully Year 2000 compliant.
Thank you for your time, and we wish you a happy millennium.
Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin
The memo no one saw...
Federal Bureau of Investigation
Crime Lab 2A-3356N
RE: DNA Test Results for Clinton, William Jefferson.
Dear Judge Starr,
The test on the dress stain came back, but unfortunately the results are inconclusive. Apparently, everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
FBI Crime Lab
Life In Hell
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell.
In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
The Top 13 Changes Under a Government Run by Pro Wrestlers
13.Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
12.President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
11.IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
10.Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute...
9. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
8. Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
7. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies
January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids
6. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.
5. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.
4. Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
3. Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
2. Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
1. Before: Mr. Vice President
After: Stone Cold Al Gore
Nominated for quote of the year is this statement made by Dick Armey, R-Texas.
When asked if he were in the President's place, would he resign, he responded:
"If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood, hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?"
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Sadam Hussein phoned President Clinton and told him: "Bill, I just call to tell you I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole America, and it was beautiful, on each house I saw a banner."
Clinton asked: "Sadam, what could you see on the banner?"
Sadam replied: "Allah is God, God is Allah."
Clinton said: "You know, Sadam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see Bagdad, the whole Bagdad, and it was more beautiful than ever, after the war it had been rebuilt completely and each house had a banner on top."
Sadam asked: "Say, Bill, what could you see on the banner?"
Clinton replied: "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew."
Chelsea wasn't feeling well at her private school. She went to the infirmary to get some aspirin. The nurse discovered that nobody had ever signed a parental consent form to authorize the school to dispense medicine to the First Kid.
The nurse told Chelsea that they needed to contact one of her parents for permission to give her aspirin. Chelsea told her, "Oh, please call Daddy. Mom's far too busy."
After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
"Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people were feeling bored!"
The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3 copies of the speech."
The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.
Q: Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwartzenegger?
A: They're trying to create a bullet-proof Kennedy.
Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute.
Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."
"Yes sir. I see the pigs Sir!" says the Marine.
"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," said Clinton.
"Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!" replied the Marine.
A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.
"What's the matter" he asked.
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Bill just got hold of some Viagra."
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it."
"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam's chair has three buttons on the armrest.
They begin talking but after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Clinton's chair and bashes him on his face.
Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the groin.
Clinton is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin.
Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "'We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the President. Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.
A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair.
As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button,and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing... really loudly.
After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing.
Saddam doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing.
Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad"
(Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "Baghdad?.....what Baghdad?"